Title: The Cycle of Shanshu
Author: Illusion
Posted: 5-19-2002
Email: alliekat17@hotmail.com
Rating: PG 15 for angst
Category:
Content:
Summary: Wesley translated Angel’s prophecy to mean that he was going to become human once he’d fulfilled his destiny, right? Well, he only came to that conclusion when he realized that the Proto-Bantu regarded ‘Shanshu’, or life and death, as the same thing. It’s all one big never ending cycle. So who says that Angel’s reward ends at becoming human again? Why was he such a scoundrel when he was first human? And exactly what drew Darla to him?
Spoilers: End of Season Two ‘ANGEL’, and Season Five ‘BtVS’
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
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Thanks/Dedication:Part 8
When Cordelia awoke, head spinning, the last person she expected to see was… “Willow…?” she murmured, confused. She tried to remember where she was, and what had happened before she had fallen asleep, when she remembered the attack. “Angel!” she called out for him, abruptly trying to sit up and feeling a new wave of dizziness, before she realized she already was sitting up, and her hands were clamped in manacles that were anchored deeply with short lengths of chain into the wall behind her.
Willow’s face peered intently at her… from behind bars. “Are you okay, Cordy?” she asked her gently, trying to soothe the disoriented young woman.
Cordelia ignored the question, looking around her for a moment as her mind went over the events that she last remembered. Gunn and Wesley had gone out to get some takeaway food for the evening - a suggestion of Cordelia’s so as to get a little alone time with Angel, and the couple had just been about to try Gunn’s cell phone, as neither man had returned. It should have only taken them fifteen minutes to drive down to the store and back to pick up the food they’d already ordered, and Angel and Cordelia had already given them twice that long.
Then, they had heard a crash from upstairs, which Cordelia now realized had been a distraction. She remembered seeing a deadly dark figure slip stealthily up behind Angel, and she’d been about to shout a warning, when a sharp pain had filled her head, and the world had turned black, as she too had been hit from behind. She stayed conscious only long enough to hear Angel’s cry of her name, before he crumpled to the floor with her.
The chains of her cuffs gave her enough free movement to reach behind her head, tentatively feeling the tender lump at the base of her skull with a wince, and her fingertips came away sticky with blood from the slight split the impact of the weapon had opened up. Testing the slack, she found that unfortunately, there wasn’t enough to allow her to take hold of either chain with both hands, and give her enough leverage to try and pry them free of the wall. She doubted she had enough strength alone to do so even if she tried.
Beside her directly to her right stood a cage that consisted of bars that ran right across the small room she was now in, and she could see where someone had dug a deep trench into the marble stone work that had original formed the room in both the floor and ceiling, and placed the bars upright to make the caged off area, five of the thick bars holding a sturdy looking door, before the trenches had been filled in with concrete to hold the bars in place to make it an excellent prison.
On her left, was Angel.
He was conscious, and watching her with a concerned gaze, obviously relieved now that she was conscious again, but she shuddered to think how worried he’d been. She knew that he was already in a little pain, but not enough to worry about. Yet. His jaw was set tight and his eyes were slightly glazed over with the effort to keep himself calm in the unknown situation, along with its unknown danger, that they were now in. With one look though, Cordelia could see that Angel’s chains didn’t have as much slack as hers, and there was no way he could reach the pills in his inside coat pocket should the pain get any worse.
With a quick scan, Cordelia could see that while they were all, in one way or another, trapped and restricted from doing anything productive towards escape, they weren’t guarded. For now, their captors were nowhere in sight.
Beside her in the cage, Willow was trying to get her attention again, and behind her stood Tara and Buffy. Dawn was seated with Anya on the ground beyond them, their backs against the wall, while Giles, Xander, Gunn, Wesley and Spike were collectively testing the strength of the bars down the other end, finding them immovable, even for the five of them at once.
Without hesitation of the consequences, Cordelia quickly took advantage of the extra slack on her chains and reached inside her jacket, which was actually one of Angel’s which he had given her, retrieving the extra bottle of pills Angel might need. She knew it would do no good to toss them to Angel, and hearing sounds of movement outside the chamber, turned and threw them to Willow, knowing the ‘witch-doctor’ would know exactly what they were for, but under the circumstances, that couldn’t be helped.
Reacting on instinct Willow caught the small bottle, quickly scanning the label, her eyes widening in shock as she recognized its purpose. Somehow, her already wide eyes seemed to grow even wider, as she took in the name on the prescription label, and she looked up in horror at Angel, who merely nodded silently. Though in shock, Willow thrust the small container into the pocket of her long skirt, just as two people entered the chamber with a bright flash.
A man and a woman. Cordelia instantly recognized Lilah Morgan and….
Wilson Christopher.
The son-of-a-bitch that had knocked her up with those seven hacksaw demon spawn. He was going to pay for all this. Before Cordelia could cry out in outrage, Lilah laughed, her attention shifting between Angel and Cordelia, and both instantly realized she knew everything.
“I never realized getting rid of you would be so easy, Angel. If I had known all those years ago that all I had to do was let nature run its course, I wouldn’t have even bothered trying,” she said mock sweetly as she crouched down in front of where Angel knelt on the cold stone floor. His wrists were chained up by his head with a pair of long-chained manacles, another chain extending from the center of the chain that bound his wrists, to an anchor point in the wall, unlike Cordelia two separate manacles and anchor points. “All I have to do is wait!” she laughed gleefully. “What have you got? A week or two, tops?”
Buffy scoffed. “Someone will notice we’re all missing before you kill us then, sister,” she told her confidently, “at which point you’re seriously going to get your ass kicked.”
“No-one will notice we’re gone, Buffy,” Angel told her quietly, his angry glare focused on Lilah’s triumphant face the whole time. “We’re in the old temple of the Oracles. No time passes in our world while we’re here. We could be down here for millennia, and no-one would know it.”
Lilah nodded in confirmation. “Nifty, ain’t it?” she quipped. “All we had to do was rig up enough bonds to keep you all here, and we kill *eleven* birds with one stone! You’ll even be forced to dust the vamp long before then, or he’ll eat you,” she commented absently to the group in the cage.
“Oh,” Buffy said weakly. “So you plan to starve us to death. Now that’s just pathetic. What? Can’t handle the job yourself?” she taunted, hoping to find a weakness by goading Lilah. She might let something slip in an outburst if she got angry enough.
Unfortunately, Lilah merely shrugged. “Perhaps, but you’re not the aim of all this. None of this is needed at all to get rid of Angel. It just makes it all the more fun! He’ll get everything he deserves for what he’s done to me and the firm,” she said menacingly, her attention now back on Angel. “And after all this, we’ll probably be rid of you sooner, won’t we?” she taunted, standing again.
“You kill him, and I swear to God it won’t matter how thick these bars are!” Gunn threatened. “I’ll bust outta here and bust your head in!” Lilah laughed, stepping back from Angel and walking slowly over to the makeshift cage area, taking a thick folder from the low table placed against the wall she passed, before stopping a few meters from the bars. Gunn smirked. “Afraid to come a little closer?” he mocked.
Lilah simply smirked. “Your threat is empty,” she told him, not a thread of concern in her voice, “because I don’t plan on killing Angel,” she finished, shocking them all. Even Willow, who now understood her plans, couldn’t help but be shocked by the cold-blooded horror of it all. “I’m going to let him kill himself,” Lilah informed them all.
In the momentary shocked confusion, in which Gunn let loose a very fluent string of insults and profanities, Willow slipped her hand into her pocket, now knowing what Cordelia’s intention had been in giving her the bottle of meds. In her pocket, she unscrewed the cap, letting two of the pills fall out, keeping them at the ready. She slipped inconspicuously back behind the others until it was time, hoping they would be enough distraction for her when she needed to act, and she waited.
Cordelia struggled uselessly against her bonds, terrified of what was to come. She knew what Lilah planned to do was to provoke Angel enough to give him a heart-attack, finishing him off nice and quick. But she knew that wouldn’t be enough for Lilah. Whatever she had in the folder, wasn’t good, and obviously had something to do with Lilah’s comment that he deserved to pay for all the times he had screwed up Wolfram and Hart’s plans in the past.
So what was Wilson’s part in all this?
That question was answered when Lilah withdrew a stack of photos from her folder, large ones that had clearly been developed in a personal darkroom… like one a professional photographer for the famous would own. One like Wilson would own. Cordelia could only guess at what was in the pictures, but surprisingly felt no mortification. Only all-consuming fury. “You sick twisted *perverted* son-of-a-bitch!” she whispered, her voice quavering with intense disgust, only making Wilson’s smug grin broaden.
“What? What are you talking about, Cordelia?” Giles asked her, but Lilah answered first.
“Why don’t you take a look and see for yourselves?” the woman suggested with a laugh, tossing the photos through the bars so that they scattered to the floor everywhere, letting them all see their subjects at once. A few of the photos slipped along the floor back past the bars, far enough for Cordelia to get a glimpse of one photo that stopped just beyond her feet - her and Angel clearly making love in his bed, though she couldn’t help the brief surge of relief she felt that at least this one was tastefully blocked, and she could only hope all the rest lying at the gang’s feet were taken similarly.
When she thought about that a little longer, her relief was replaced with white hot anger once more. Wilson must have been watching them for a *long* time, to get some decent shots like this. Every private moment that she and Angel had shared, and that arrogant smiling sicko standing just beyond Lilah had watched every single second, and captured it on film! “I’m going to kill you, Wilson,” she said icily.
“ ‘Wilson’?” Lilah repeated in confusion, looking over at the only other person in the room that Cordelia could possibly be threatening. Dean didn’t look at her, his gaze remaining on Cordelia, and Lilah briefly realized that she had never done a full background check on the man. She’d stopped bothering at the fourth replacement partner, since they normally didn’t last long enough for her to have to worry about. Did Cordelia know something she didn’t?
“Get on with it, Lilah,” he said simply, mocking Cordelia with his haughty grin, while she could do absolutely nothing to stop him.
“I should have killed you when I had the chance,” Angel said coldly from behind them. He could see enough of the pictures now spread out across the floor of the chamber to know their content, and even if he couldn’t see them himself, Cordelia’s reaction to them was enough to know how explicit they were. “Believe me when I say I’ll fix that mistake soon enough.”
Wilson laughed, but he wasn’t able to hide the slight tremor of uncertainty in his voice when he next spoke. “Y-You’re hardly in any position to make threats. Or in any state of health to be able to carry them out without straining yourself. Get on with it, Lilah!” he said to her, almost as if he wanted to get this over with before Angel had the chance to prove him wrong.
“How long has this been going on, Angel? Cordelia?” Wesley asked them softly. Sensing something unexpected in his tone of voice, Lilah and Wilson turned to look at them, finding that every photograph within reach of the cage had been picked up and stacked face *down*, and Dawn was holding them tightly away from prying eyes on her lap. Cordelia couldn’t help but laugh, catching a brief amused raised eyebrow each from Buffy and Gunn, and Wesley, who had spoken, was even smiling slightly.
“T-ten months,” Lilah stammered, trying to make that news sound devastating. They were supposed to be outraged! “Wh-what? Why aren’t you… I don’t know! Furious?!” she shouted. It seemed *she* was the only one that was outraged.
Wesley smiled, only looking between Cordelia and Angel as he gave his answer. “I think I speak for all of us when I say that while we’re probably somewhat surprised that they kept this from us, I don’t think any of us even has the right to be furious,” he said simply, mockingly, as Lilah’s angry glare turned into a feral grimace. “Their personal life is just that. *Theirs* and *personal*. What they do is their own business.”
“We’re more furious that you were obviously *intruding* on that personal business,” Xander told them angrily, glaring at Wilson. From Cordelia’s outburst, it was obvious who the author of the photographs were.
Lilah spun angrily to face Wilson, pointing a finger accusingly at him. “You said this would work, Dean, or whatever your real name is!” she said through clenched teeth, as if that would prevent the group being held prisoner from hearing the failure. *None* of them had reacted the way they had been supposed to, so what did it matter?
Now what was she going to do?!
Part 9
Wilson met Lilah’s blazing look with his own calm one, unfazed, and held up his hands in a soothing gesture, speaking to her as if she were just a spoilt child having a tantrum, which only enraged Lilah further. “Calm down. That was only the beginning. They won’t be so understanding with the next part, and that will completely override their acceptance of this,” he assured her, almost as if he had expected this reaction to the photographs. He, however, was the one who had controlled the information concerning this particular project, and there were a lot of things Lilah didn’t know about it. He couldn’t have her knowing enough to take over control of it herself. This way, he ensured that he had the leverage he needed to keep both their captives *and* stupid Lilah Morgan under his own control. He’d been planning this for months, and he wasn’t about to let an idiot like Lilah let it all slip away in front of them by being overconfident, nor was he going to let her take all the credit. She couldn’t do either when she wasn’t completely in the loop of it all.
Lilah’s anger seemed to calm, and she smiled evilly once more. “Right. You’re right. I don’t think they’ll be too understanding when we tell them exactly how long you’ve got left to live, will they, Angel?” she asked, regaining her former cocky composure as she walked back over to him, crouching in front of him again, trying not to be unnerved by his stubborn smile. There was something about the glint in his eyes, his seemingly unworried exterior, that just didn’t make her feel as confident about this whole set up as she had initially been. Why had she let Dean-or-whoever-he-was talk her into this? All they’d had to do was wait another week or two, and Angel would have kicked the bucket on his own. She was playing with fire here, just to get a little revenge.
“You think we won’t be understanding that you’re going to kill him once you’re done? Oh… Well, maybe so, but it won’t be directed at him,” Anya said, quickly covering her slip, hoping they knew what she had meant by her retort. Next to her, Xander lay a reassuring hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently.
“Au contraire,” Lilah said with a smirk. “Don’t forget, he’s going to kill himself,” she reminded them, only bringing back their previous confusion. “Getting good and agitated there yet, Angel?” she quipped. “Now don’t go giving yourself a heart-attack too soon. There’s still more to come,” she promised mock sweetly.
To her horror, Angel laughed. “Lilah, if you want to give me a heart-attack, give me a good look at your face! That’ll finish me off for sure!” he taunted, laughing smugly again as she stumbled back in shock.
“That’s enough!” she shouted at him, whirling back around to the caged gang. “Maybe you can accept him banging his secretary without telling you, but I don’t think you’ll be able to accept that he’s *dying*, and he hasn’t told any of you!” she blurted out, not caring how desperate it sounded. This needed to work. She needed to get her revenge at Angel for everything he’d put her through, because if this didn’t work, she was dead, one way or another.
For several long moments, there was total silence throughout the room as Lilah’s words registered with the others, stunning them completely. Their gazes flickered uncertainly toward Angel, not knowing if there was any truth to the words, but one look at Angel, and they knew Lilah wasn’t lying to them. They could see the truth in his eyes.
“Yeah, that’s right!” Lilah said, trying to keep hold of her smug attitude. “The guy’s dying! And he and that little bitch of his have known for months! Now, one good heart-attack, and he’s a goner! Tell them, Angel! What was the prognosis for you life expectancy when you found out you had a weak ticker, huh?” Lilah mocked, keeping her gaze on the gang. *Now* they were devastated. Horrified. She *had* to see their reactions to this!
“Six months,” Angel said simply, without protest. “Eight months if I was extremely lucky.”
Lilah grinned in triumph at the distraught expressions of his dearest friends. “See?” she gloated. “Obviously, he didn’t even think you were important enough to tell! He…” Her words trailed off again, when Angel began to laugh at her. Again.
“God, you’re some piece of work, Lilah!” he commented in amusement. “How much of this have you actually been in control of? I mean, if you’d actually set any of this up yourself, I would have thought you’d have a little better information than this. That little ‘eight months max’ prognosis I got?” he reminded her, “The doctor happened to tell me that *ten* months ago. Now, I wonder if your math is good enough to figure out that puts me in the grave two months ago!”
Lilah was speechless, her gaze again turning to… Wilson, that Cordelia girl Angel was sleeping with had called him. Now, she was fuming, while Wilson just shrugged mock innocently. “So he’s been a little lucky. Lilah, that doesn’t change the fact that when the next attack hits, he’s dead.”
“*When* it hits?” she griped angrily. “Are you even so sure he *is* sick now, Wilson?” she taunted sarcastically, not at all confident with this situation any more.
Wilson’s smirk took on a deadly evil quality. “Turn around and take a look for yourself,” he told her silkily.
To Lilah’s surprise, when she looked back at Angel, her blinding anger now under enough control so that she could see clearly, his appearance didn’t look good at all. Her own smug grin was in place once more. She’d done enough damage. Angel’s hope of going out on good terms with all his friends, under his circumstances, was gone. No matter what happened now, Angel would die with the final memory that his friends would never forgive him for this lie, and that’s exactly what she had wanted, despite Wilson’s own plans. Her revenge against Angel was complete. Now, to let him die.
Lilah knelt in front of Angel again, taking in the taught muscles of his face, neck and chest. His forehead was clammy, his face pale, and his eyes were unfocused from the pain and constriction in his chest. He was trying to take deep breaths to calm himself, but it wasn’t helping. His jaw was set firm, his teeth clenched together in the effort to unsuccessfully hide the pain he was in from the imminent heart attack. Lilah didn’t know if it would be enough to finish him, but at least it would be one step closer. Maybe he’d be too weak to even beg those so-called friends of his for their forgiveness, which would be even better. Seeing them again before he went would draw out his suffering, let him feel their hurt and betrayal all the more deeply before he died, and there would be nothing he could do to fix it.
Grinning like a moron, Lilah reached inside Angel’s coat, quickly withdrawing the container of pills that would save his life, at least for now. He may not be able to reach them, but she wasn’t going to take any chances. She quickly frisked Cordelia, ensuring that she hadn’t been carrying any as well. She stood and turned just in time to hear Wilson’s enraged cry of “No!”, and see the two small white pills flying through the air to land snuggly in Angel’s palm. She instantly ran towards him with the intent of knocking the life-saving pills from his hand, even as she knew she’d never reach him in time, realizing too late that there was enough slack in Angel’s chains for him to bring his hand, and the pills, to his mouth, swallowing the smalls tablets dry.
“No!” she screamed, echoing Wilson as she finally reached Angel, punching him across the face in frustration and helplessness.
Wilson went over to the cage, grabbing Willow before she could step back and out of his reach. He’d followed the trajectory of the pills back, realizing that the little witch had levitated them telekinetically at the first chance she’d gotten. Sure enough, before she herself or her friends could pull her from his grasp, he found the bottle of pills in her pocket.
Lilah went to hit Angel across the face again, but Wilson grabbed her hand, grabbing the second bottle of pills from her as well and tossing them to the floor, crunching them underfoot and twisting to ensure that every single last pill was destroyed and useless. “Enough, Lilah! They saved him now, but he’ll still be dead within a couple of weeks!” he reminded her. “We just have to wait a little longer!”
The woman stopped struggling in his grip, but even at his reassurance, her smugness didn’t return. “Tell me everything you know,” Lilah demanded angrily. “Don’t you dare surprise me like this again!” she hissed in warning.
“How’s this for a surprise?” Angel quipped as, with his failing strength, he tore his chains from their anchoring point, before the drugs could kick in. He had nothing left to lose now, knowing the pills had been too late, and he had to take advantage of the limited strength the adrenalin in his system provided before the medication reversed it.
Before Lilah could even turn around, Angel brought his hands with the chain between them over his head, straight down in front of Lilah and wrapped the chain around her neck, squeezing tightly as he jerked it to the side, instantly snapping her neck. Lilah’s body collapsed to the ground, even as Angel forced his own body up from it, lunging for Wilson before the man could even realize what had happened. The chain was around his neck before he could move, and for a few seconds, Wilson found himself face to face with the man, once vampire, that had ruined his life, and broken his nose too while he was at it. He’d saved Cordelia, and she’d killed the demon that would have provided him with enough money to be rich and comfortable for the rest of his life, without him having to lift a finger. Angel was the reason Cordelia had survived the demon surrogacy, and shattered all his dreams. Literally.
“I told you I’d kill you for hurting Cor,” Angel hissed in a deadly voice, before twisting the chains, almost tearing Wilson’s head from his shoulders from the sheer force, and letting the man’s lifeless body crumple to the floor next to Lilah’s.
Willow and Tara’s combined efforts had managed to yank out the last bolt anchoring one of Cordelia’s manacles to the wall by the time Wilson’s body hit the floor. Cordelia wrapped both of her hands around the remaining chain she could now reach, yanking it free from its anchorage in the wall with telekinetic help from Willow and Tara. Leaping up, she barely took the time to grab the keys to unlock the gang’s cage from the belt of Wilson’s dead body and toss them towards the barred prison as she rushed toward Angel, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. She felt him trembling against her in pain, and his arms weakly came down around her, his legs unsteady beneath him. “Angel!” she cried out in distress, easing him to the ground as he collapsed against her, unable to hold himself up, and she knew in that instant that the pills had been too late.
Spike had just gotten the cage unlocked, and the group rushed over to where Cordelia sat in the center of the chamber, Angel’s head resting in her lap, tears streaming freely down her face.
“Get help!” she shouted to no-one in particular. “Call an ambulance or something! Help me!” she begged, turning to look at Buffy or one of the guys who could help get him out of here. “Don’t just stan--!” She forgot everything she was saying as Angel weakly reached up, taking her hand in his, interlocking their fingers, and she shook her head. “No! Not yet! Not like this!” she cried desperately, holding tightly to his hand as if to anchor him to this world.
“I love you, Cordelia,” Angel whispered, and in that instant Cordelia wanted to break her promise to him, just to tell him once, that she loved him, so that he’d have the memory of hearing it at least once. Yet somehow, she managed to stop herself, and she sobbed openly with the realization that she could never betray him, not even now. Angel knew her inner turmoil, and with his remaining strength squeezed her hand tightly. “Don’t worry… I know…” he promised her. “Thank you…”
Angel closed his eyes.
Part 10
Cordelia sat in a chair in the St. Matthews waiting room once more, burrowed deeply into Angel’s jacket that she’d been wearing, her knees curled up tightly against her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. Gunn and Wesley sat on either side of her in silence, having given up trying to… well, they didn’t know what they’d been trying to do. They couldn’t cheer her up, or tell her everything was going to be fine.
Angel was *dying*. How could anything be ‘fine’?
Buffy and Xander had also been trying to comfort Cordelia somehow, all knowing there was no such thing as comfort. Dawn had quickly unlocked Angel and Cordelia’s manacles with Wilson’s keys, and her sister and Xander had helped get Angel out of the old temple of the Oracles, while Spike had hotwired a car nearby, taking Angel, Cordelia, Xander and Buffy to the hospital. The rest of them had gotten there soon after in Gunn’s truck, which they’d found abandoned a few blocks away on their way back to the Hyperion to get Angel’s car.
Spike and Dawn sat silently together a few chairs down, Buffy now standing helplessly near them, and Xander had gone to his wife, sitting with her quietly. Further down, Willow had asked Cordelia’s permission to have a look at Angel’s medical files that had been in Lilah’s folder as well, and was now going over them with Giles and Tara, who now held all of the photographs, hidden away in a large envelope she had gotten from the hospital administration staff intending to return them to Cordelia to do with as she pleased… after all of this was over. They’d be a treasured memory of the time she had shared with Angel, and how he’d sacrificed what little life he had left to save them all tonight. Or she could burn them, to get back at Wilson for having looked in on almost every precious moment she’d spent with her lover.
Finally, after almost an hour of waiting, Julia entered the waiting room, and Cordelia leapt up, startling her friends with her sudden movement since she hadn’t moved since they’d gotten there, and had barely said a word, other than to give Willow her permission to look at the files. Cordelia didn’t ask if Angel was okay, and couldn’t bring herself to ask how long he had left, but Julia knew what she needed to tell them.
While surprised by all the people in the waiting room looking up at her for an answer, so used to it just being Cordelia, Julia didn’t hesitate, and as always, didn’t sugarcoat it. “The attack was bad, Cordelia. If you hadn’t rushed him here, he wouldn’t have made it. We’ve got him stabilized, and he’s resting for the moment, but his heart is too weakened. Even if he doesn’t have another attack soon, his heart will fail in a couple of days. Three or four at most. Without the medication we’ve currently got him on, even less,” she informed her, remembering the promise she’d made to Angel on his last visit here.
“What? There’s nothing you can do?” Gunn demanded in protest. “There’s gotta be something! You can’t just let him die!”
“Gunn--” Willow began to say, having now looked over the files a dozen times, knowing there was nothing that could have saved Angel, but Cordelia stopped them all with a look, which told them there was no point arguing.
“This is what he wanted,” she told them all softly. “He’s happy. Finally. For the first time in his life, he’s been truly happy, knowing all of us, and being able to share in a part of our lives. He’s content. After all he’s been through, don’t you think he deserves a little peace?”
Gunn glared angrily, angry with the world and The Powers That Be for having done this to their friend. “He doesn’t deserve to *die*, Cordy,” he said through clenched teeth, even though he understood what she was saying. He wasn’t one to just give up though. There had to be something, anything, he could do. He couldn’t just sit around and wait for his friend, the first person he had truly been able to trust and rely on to always be there, part of his family, to die.
Cordelia shook her head. “Maybe not, but he wants to. You know his past. You know what he’s been through. He’s accepted this, because he knows he’ll finally have some peace, and he’s content that he’s lived his life. A life you’ve all been a part of, which is why he’s happy.” She sighed softly, looking down for a moment, before her eyes returned to theirs, drifting over the motley crew before her that had come together and become a very unconventional family, but a family nonetheless. Angel’s family as much as all of them. “One of the reasons we didn’t tell you about this is because Angel wanted to pass on, knowing he’d spent his last few months with all of you freely, without pity, or sympathy, or anger, or regret… Without a lot of things. He just wanted everything to be normal, so that he could have his memories of finally having a normal happy life with the people he loves,” she finished, her voice almost a whisper, and tears falling down her face, just as they were for almost every one of her friends.
Slowly, Gunn nodded, stubbornly wiping tears from his eyes before they could fall. “Yeah. I can understand that,” he told her, letting her breathe a sigh of relief. To some degree, Lilah and Wilson’s plan had worked - they’d be rid of Angel. But they hadn’t ruined Angel’s life in the end. His friends didn’t hate him for not telling them. They understood the reasons, and they accepted this. It was no secret that everyone wished circumstances were different, or that there was something they could do to stop Angel from dying, but they all realized that there was no point wishing for things to be different. Things were how they were, and they just had to accept it, and make sure Angel knew that they did, and that they understood.
And that they loved him.
Julia nodded, not trying to hide her own tears. “I want Angel to rest a little longer, but I’ll get the release forms ready for you. He can be out of here tonight within the hour,” she told Cordelia, before leaving them again.
Willow and Tara shared a quick heartbreaking look, and before Willow nodded and stood, walking over to Cordelia and touching her shoulder tenderly to get her attention. “I think we should talk in private,” she told the young brunette,
Concerned, Cordelia could only follow her numbly out of hearing range of the others, ignoring their confused looks. “What? What’s wrong, Will? Did you find something in Angel’s files?” she asked, worried. But what could there possibly be to find out that would change anything?
“No, actually… I found something in *you*,” Willow said cryptically, a sad smile on her face. “Cordelia… When was the last time you and Angel made love?”
At first, Cordelia didn’t catch on, and was confused by Willow’s question. “Wh-what? Will… we… A month or so… I mean… we had to be careful… you know, with his condition…” Cordelia’s words trailed off as it dawned on her what Willow had meant, and she shook her head slowly. “No…” she whispered brokenly, leaning heavily against the wall behind her and shakily easing herself to the floor. “Please, no… Willow…”
Willow crouched before her, taking her in a tight hug. “You’re pregnant, Cordelia,” she told her needlessly. “I can sense it. But, if you want, I can run the tests to know for certain…” she offered the distraught woman.
Cordelia pulled away from Willow, hastily brushing away her tears, and the witch couldn’t help but grin happily, seeing the bitter-sweet smile on Cordelia’s face. It was heart-wrenching to find out, especially now, but how could she not be happy to find out she was pregnant with Angel’s child? “Have you ever been wrong before?” Cordelia asked her, her voice holding more worry that it might not be true, rather than hope that it wasn’t.
“Never, I--”
“Then I believe you,” Cordelia interrupted her, needing nothing more. “Thank you, Willow.” Willow blushed, about to remind Cordelia that she hadn’t done anything, but Cordelia just smiled sadly at her, hugging her again as her tears started falling once more, even more freely. “I just don’t know if I can do this without him…” she whispered brokenly.
“Cordy, I can’t lie to you and say that everything will be okay. I couldn’t possibly know that it will be. And I can’t tell you that you can bring up your and Angel’s child without him. But I can promise you, that every one of us will be here for you for whatever you need,” Willow vowed truthfully, knowing her and all her friends would do whatever they could to help Cordelia through this.
Cordelia’s tears seemed to fall more heavily, but Willow was glad to see her smiling again, no matter how pain-filled her smile was. “Thank you, Willow.” She sniffled, wiping at her tears uselessly, before accepting Willow’s help to get back to her feet, looking over at the beyond confused gang. “I need to tell Angel. Can you tell them for me?” she asked quietly. “Otherwise, it’d be a while before I’d be able to tell them myself,” she whispered, fresh tears falling at her own words and what they implied.
“Of course,” Willow told her immediately, but hesitated slightly before she spoke again. “Are you sure Angel would want to know this? I mean… You know…”
Cordelia didn’t hesitate in her answer though. “I know he’ll just want now more than ever for things to be different, and wish that he could be here to raise our son,” she said without pause, knowing without a doubt in her heart that she was carrying Angel’s *son*, and smiled softly at Willow’s startled and a little skeptical expression. Cordelia didn’t question how she knew though. She just did. “But he’ll want to know. He’s so afraid that he’s leaving me alone. This will help. And besides,” she giggled, even if it was a little forced, “there’s no way I could ever keep this from him. He has to know, no matter how much it might hurt now. He’ll be grateful that I told him. He’ll even be more content, knowing there’ll be something here that will show what we had together.”
Willow was crying freely when Cordelia finished, and hugged her one last time, before they rejoined the others
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