Title: The Cycle of Shanshu
Author: Illusion
Posted: 5-19-2002
Email: alliekat17@hotmail.com
Rating: PG 15 for angst
Category:
Content:
Summary: Wesley translated Angel’s prophecy to mean that he was going to become human once he’d fulfilled his destiny, right? Well, he only came to that conclusion when he realized that the Proto-Bantu regarded ‘Shanshu’, or life and death, as the same thing. It’s all one big never ending cycle. So who says that Angel’s reward ends at becoming human again? Why was he such a scoundrel when he was first human? And exactly what drew Darla to him?
Spoilers: End of Season Two ‘ANGEL’, and Season Five ‘BtVS’
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
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Thanks/Dedication:Part 11
Cordelia stood in the doorway to Angel’s private room, just watching him sleep. He seemed so peaceful, so content… It was hard to believe that he had less than a couple of days left. Cordelia had barely heard the sad congratulations of the gang after Willow had told them what she’d just told Cordelia herself, and she’d silently waited for Julia to return, before asking the doctor to let her see Angel. Thankfully, Julia had let her through without protest, somehow sensing how important this was to Cordelia.
Slowly, she stepped into the room, silently closing the door behind her, before moving to Angel’s bedside and gently sitting on the edge. Despite her care, Angel stirred, probably more having sensed her presence even without his vampiric senses and roused himself from sleep, rather than her having accidentally awoken him. “Hey,” he whispered, his voice hoarse and weak.
“Hey yourself,” Cordelia said softly with a gentle smile, slipping her hand into his. “You scared me. I thought I’d lost you,” she whispered, fighting back more tears unsuccessfully.
Angel offered her a weak smile, trying to comfort her. “You know me. I’m not going to give up without a fight. And I wasn’t about to let Lilah and Wilson win completely,” he reminded her, struggling to sit up. Cordelia didn’t try to talk him out of it, and helped him into a sitting position on the bed, not commenting on the pain and weariness that flashed in his eyes at that simple movement.
“Yeah,” Cordelia said quietly. “You stubborn oaf,” she teased lovingly. Angel didn’t smile, and instead drew her closer to his side, wrapping his arms around her. Cordelia felt more tears fall as his hands settled over her lower stomach, over her womb. Somehow he knew, probably deep in his heart, but she still had to tell him for herself, even though he had probably read it in her eyes, or felt it in her touch. He’d always known exactly what she was thinking, and she’d never been able to hide a thing from him. She lifted her head from his chest, snuggling closer and letting one of her hands fall to cover his over her stomach, seeing tears already welling in his eyes. “I… I’m pregnant,” she whispered. “Willow and Tara sensed it. Will told me in the waiting room.”
Angel clenched his eyes shut in a futile attempt to stop his tears, but they slipped out the corners of his eyes anyway. He let out a combination of an overjoyed laugh and a grief-stricken sob as Cordelia leant up, kissing away the tears lovingly, and he hugged her to him tightly. He never knew he could be so overwhelmed with joy and grief at the same time. She was pregnant… carrying their child… a…
Son.
Their son. He didn’t stop to think how he could possibly know, but he knew it in his heart to be true, just as he had somehow known she was pregnant, even before she’d spoken the words. But he would never get the chance to raise his son. At the same time, he wasn’t leaving Cordelia alone anymore - she would have their son - but she would be even more alone than ever, trying to raise him without his father. Angel knew their friends would be there for her whenever she needed them, but it wouldn’t be the same.
“Oh God… I… I love you, Cordelia… I’m so proud of you… And I’m sor--” he started to say, but Cordelia silenced his apology with her lips on his, tenderly kissing away the words.
“Only apologize to me if you regret it,” she whispered as they broke away, repeating the words she had said after they’d first made love all those months ago. She’d had a chance to tell him she loved him then, before he’d asked her to promise that she never would, but even then, she hadn’t said it. Even then, she’d known Angel couldn’t hear it without hating himself for taking that from her, and she couldn’t do that to him.
Angel shook his head, tears falling steadily, but a beautiful smile adorning his face. “I don’t. I could never regret what we’ve had,” he assured her. “I love you and our son, and I’ll never forget either of you. I’ll never forget the time you’ve allowed me to love you,” he whispered.
Cordelia hugged him fiercely, laying her head against his chest once more. It was still painful, to know that she would have to raise their son without him, that he wouldn’t even get the chance to see him, but for now, they could allow themselves to be happy. They were having a baby together, and for a little while longer, they could enjoy their time knowing that, and knowing how much they loved each other. “Tell me you know, Angel,” she said quietly.
Angel nodded, lifting her face tenderly to meet his lips again, kissing her with more passion than she ever could have believed possible. They slowly broke away, and Angel just gazed at her for several long moments, his hand cupping the side of her face lovingly, and a contented happy smile on his lips, his eyes free of all pain for the first time in his entire long life, just because he knew that she loved him. “I know, Cordelia,” he promised her. “And I’ll always know.”
She kissed him softly once more, before snuggling back down against his chest, and they stayed that way in comfortable silence until there was a light knock at the door. Cordelia didn’t lift her head, only turned enough to face the door as it opened tentatively, and Wesley’s face peeked in, Gunn trying to look over his shoulder. “Cordelia? Angel? Is it okay if--?” he began to ask.
“Come in, Wes,” Angel called quietly, but Cordelia could feel his uncertainty when his arms tightened around her slightly.
Cordelia nuzzled her cheek against his chest in reassurance, having already spoken to the gang, knowing they accepted the situation. “Lilah and Wilson didn’t win at all, Angel,” she told him, giggling softly at his stunned silence as Wesley opened the door wider and Gunn walked in, followed by everyone else, before the ex-Watcher closed the door again.
The room was a little overcrowded with everyone in there at once, and for a brief moment Cordelia wonder how much of a fight there had been just to get Julia to let them all in at once, but it didn’t matter at the moment. What mattered right now was Angel, and making sure he knew that nothing had been ruined. In fact, his friends’ devotion and love towards him had only been strengthened, and he needed to realize that before it was too late.
Willow stepped up first, taking Angel in a tight hug when Cordelia sat back enough to allow her to do so, whispered a soft sad congratulations in his ear, before separating from him. Soon after, everyone had given him a quick hug each, some murmuring congratulations, others just showing it with a clap on the back, no-one wanting to remind him that his time for congratulations would be brief. Buffy hugged him lastly, kissing his cheek lightly and smiling between him and Cordelia, letting him know that she was extremely happy for them, before stepping back again.
Wesley and Gunn sat in the two chairs in the room, drawn up beside Angel’s bed, while the others stood around behind them. “So how’re ya feelin’?” Gunn asked with a reassuring smile, leaning forward a little in his seat.
Angel smiled slightly, if a little bitterly. “I’ve been better,” he understated lightly. “But at the same time this is the best day of my life, even if it is probably the last,” he quipped, his hand tenderly caressing over Cordelia’s womb, his lover resting on her side curled up to his chest, both of her hands now resting over his, their fingers lightly interlocked.
“Yeah, well, hopefully Julia will get back soon with the papers to let you outta here so we can get you home,” Xander said with a smile.
Angel was silent for a moment, his gaze drifting over the whole group. His family. “You know,” he finally spoke, “I feel like I already am home,” he said softly, unable to help but grin when all of their eyes misted over once more, even though his did the same. He didn’t need for them to say any more, because he already knew that they had accepted that he didn’t have much longer, and they were at peace with his decision.
Cordelia was right. In the end, they had won.
He had won.
There was another soft knock at the door, and it opened to reveal Julia, carrying a clipboard with the release papers Cordelia needed to sign, and pushing a wheelchair before her.
“Let’s get you back to your place then,” Wesley said.
Wesley and Gunn helped Angel into the chair, despite his joking comments that he didn’t need it. He hadn’t even been able to sit up properly without a little help. Cordelia quickly signed the papers that required her signature, and Julia gave Angel a hug, while he thanked her for everything.
Gunn had quickly called a couple of the boys from his gang earlier and gotten them to bring Angel’s car to the hospital, and Willow offered to drive, the guys helping Angel into the backseat, while Tara rode up front with Willow. Cordelia of course sat in the back with Angel, telling him to rest for the short journey from the hospital to home, getting him to stretch out on the back seat and lay his head in her lap.
Cordelia didn’t cry, only held him close, one hand wrapped in his, the other lovingly caressing his brow. Now that he was out of the hospital and off the medication that would have kept him alive for another day or so, they all knew he wouldn’t last the night, but no-one said it. Now, all they could do was get him back to the Hyperion so that he would be comfortable, and among family. That’s all he wanted.
Willow pulled up out front and they waited while Gunn pulled up his truck behind them, Wesley beside him in the cab and everyone else riding in the bed of the truck. They didn’t rush, but they didn’t waste any time, knowing Angel didn’t have much of it left. Buffy and Spike helped Angel upstairs to his room, and eased him down to sit on the edge of his bed.
“You just… get some rest,” Wesley said in a forced neutral voice.
“Yeah. We’ll see you when you wake up,” Gunn added, everyone knowing it was a lie. Even so, no-one pointed it out, all quickly saying similar goodbyes, as if they *would* talk to him again tomorrow, knowing Angel didn’t want any fuss or awkwardness, before they left Cordelia and Angel alone in Angel’s room.
They all knew they would never talk to him again.
Cordelia smiled gently as she helped Angel lay down on the bed, curling up against his side and drawing the covers up over them. For a long while, they were silent, enjoying their last few moments together. Cordelia’s head lay pillowed against Angel’s shoulder, her fingertips lightly tracing small patterns over his chest where his heart beat, slowing as if he was falling peacefully into a deep sleep, while his arms were wrapped around her waist once more, hands resting over her belly.
Cordelia stopped her fingers’ movements, laying her palm flat against his chest, looking up into his face as she finally spoke. “You were wrong, you know,” she commented almost inaudibly. “ ‘Shanshu’ is a cycle, of life and death, but it never ends. Not completely. I mean… You were alive before you died and became a vampire, then you were alive again, and then…” She trailed off, unable to say it even though it was mere minutes away. “And now… a part of you will still live on,” she whispered, laying her other hand over his on her stomach. “In our son… and in me…”
Angel just held her close, unable to say anything but “Thank you,”, even the effort of trying to keep his eyes open draining him.
She eased herself up over him, kissing him lightly, and smiling down at him lovingly as they broke away. “Shh. Just sleep,” Cordelia whispered, choking back her tears.
Slowly, Angel nodded, drawing her back down against his side. His eyes slid closed and Cordelia bit her lip, the hand on his chest grasping at his shirt over his heart, as if to hold onto the last threads of his life, but they continued to slip through her fingers, and there was nothing at all she could. His heart beat slowed further, but his breathing remaining deep and even, as he slowly allowed himself to let go. “I love you, Cordelia…” he whispered with his final breath.
Angel’s heart stopped.
For a long time, Cordelia simply lay next to him, slowly feeling the heat of his body slip away, just as his life had all those moments ago. On trembling arms, she pushed herself up from the bed once more, brushing one last, loving kiss to his cool lips, then slipped numbly out of the bed. Somehow without consciously thinking it, she managed to make it downstairs, her entire body seeming cold and numb, her mind and heart lost. She slowly became aware of the others in the room, some holding each other, some standing or sitting by themselves, all silent.
Cordelia felt warm tears burn her cheeks, as if the numbness in her body had stolen all the heat from it, just as it had been stolen from Angel’s.
“He’s gone,” she whispered, and collapsed brokenly to the floor. Her mind didn’t register Willow running over to her, tears streaming down her own face, taking her in a fierce hug. She didn’t register all the other crying faces anymore, or the silence broken by sobs and desperate cries of resistance and frustration and grief.
All she could think about was the cold numbness…
Epilogue
Cordelia lay on her side in the darkened room, hot tears slipping down her cheeks in a combination of joy and sadness, and a sweet exhilarated smile on her lips. Her comfy private hospital room was lit only by the moonlight streaming through the window, but she could clearly see the tiny form of her and Angel’s newborn son lying peacefully in the baby cot beside her bed.
Her fingertips were pressed against the clear plastic side in wonder, as little Liam Corey Chase cooed softly in his sleep, a dramatic change from the few hours before when he had entered the world screaming and crying.
Cordelia couldn’t take her eyes off her little baby son, even though Willow, who had at her request delivered Liam, had insisted she get some rest. She could only lie there, staring at the miracle she and Angel had brought into the world, and wish that Angel was there to share in it.
She’d desperately wanted for her son to have Angel’s last name of Callahan, but legally that wasn’t possible, since she couldn’t even prove Angel had existed during her lifetime. Or even the last two centuries. According to his own birth, and death, certificate, he was born in 1727, and had officially died in 1753, and there was no way she could explain how he’d fathered her child here in 2008. They’d had to fake a few dates when they’d filled out his details for Julia almost two years ago. So Cordelia had settled for naming him Liam, Angel’s real name, and giving him the middle name Corey, which was as close a boy’s name to Kathy, Angel’s sister, as she could get and have his name still sound okay.
Liam Corey.
“Hey,” a soft voice said, a hint of amusement and pride evident, and Cordelia froze, not daring to look up and discover she’d been hearing things. She only *did* tentatively turn to look when she felt someone sit on the edge of her bed beside her, and her breath caught in her throat at the figure before her. “Hey,” Angel said gently again, smiling at her reaction.
Cordelia’s voice was lost in her throat, and her entire body was trembling as she fumbled to sit up. She gasped as Angel reached out and held her, helping her sit up, then didn’t move his hands from behind her.
He was… solid. If he was a ghost, he shouldn’t be…
What was going on?
“Angel…?” Cordelia whimpered in confusion, desperately searching his eyes for any kind of explanation.
Angel chuckled lovingly at her, drawing her closer, one hand coming up to cup her cheek and brush away her fresh tears. “I’m here, Cordy,” he assured her, seeing her doubt and incomprehension. “Not for long, but I’m here. I had to see you and our son,” he whispered, tears glimmering in his own eyes.
“The Powers…?” she asked hoarsely, trying to keep up. Her mind couldn’t seem to get past the fact that she was in Angel’s arms again, no matter how temporary it was.
Angel smiled and nodded. “They let me come back for a few minutes to see you both. After that, I have to wait until you both join me to see you both again,” he told her gently.
Cordelia’s heart fell slightly, but nothing could erase the pure joy she felt at being able to see him again, even if it was only for a couple of minutes. This would be the only time she’d be with him, and with their son, until she and Liam both passed on, and that could be a long time in the future. A lifetime. “I’m glad you came,” Cordelia finally managed to say with an ecstatic smile, her voice still hoarse from raw emotion, her throat constricted and her heart thudding so hard in her chest, she was sure he could hear it.
“How could I not?” Angel teased her playfully, grinning at her, and she suddenly felt like he’d never left her. Physically, he had, eight months ago, and in that time she’d brought their baby to term and given birth to a gorgeous little boy. It had been beyond hard, almost impossible, without him, but Willow and Tara had moved to LA and transferred to St. Matthews Hospital, to help her out and support her, and Wesley and Gunn had been there for her of course. Julia stopped by frequently to see how she was going as well. All the others visited constantly, and called almost every day.
But through it all, though Angel was gone physically, she knew he’d always been there, watching over her, loving her and their child, and never missing a moment. In spirit, he had never left her, and never would.
And someday, she would be with him again.
Cordelia smiled up at him, leaning forward and capturing his lips in a deeply passionate kiss full of longing and love, and yet desperation and sadness, knowing she wouldn’t be able to do this again for a long time to come. They kissed until Cordelia was breathless, and then clung to each other as she gasped to fill her burning lungs with air again, not wanting the moment to end.
But they both knew they didn’t have much time together, and Cordelia grinned, despite her tears. “I’d like you to meet someone,” she said playfully. “I’ve found a man who I can tell him that I love him for the rest of my life,” she giggled, looking over at baby Liam.
Angel grinned widely, laughing softly at her, gazing at their son as well. “He’s perfect,” he whispered hoarsely, his eyes misting over at the sight of the son he’d never thought he’d get the chance to see. Little baby Liam. Some how, he’d known Cordelia would name their little boy after him, and he was honored and proud. “Can I…?” he began to ask, then blushed slightly as Cordelia just giggled at him.
“Of course! Liam’s *your* son too!” she teased lightly. A fresh arsenal of tears came to her eyes as she watched Angel stand and walk over to the plastic baby crib, carefully lifting his son in his arms. She quickly wiped the tears away, not wanting them to obscure the perfect image she was seeing, knowing she’d never be able to see them together like this again in this world. “You look perfect together,” she said, holding back a sob of joy.
Angel grinned at her as he sat back on the edge of the bed holding their son, who had by now woken up, but wasn’t crying. Instead, Liam was gazing up at his father with a look Cordelia was certain was love and sadness mixed together. Somehow, the hours old little boy knew who Angel was, and yet, knew he’d never see him again. Not in person at least, but Cordelia would make sure there were at least a dozen photos of Angel all around Liam’s room, and one close by his crib, so he’d know his father was always with him. She’d tell Liam every day that his Daddy loved him more than life itself, and had died to save his Mommy and him, and all their friends, and would never stop loving them. Angel was crying even while smiling at Liam, leaning down to press a loving kiss to his son’s forehead, then his cheek, amazed beyond words by the small bundle of new life in his arms that he and Cordelia had created together out of their love.
Cordelia bit her lip as her tears fell down her cheeks, watching the only two men in her life that she loved more than life itself, and the only two men she would ever love that deeply. She knew, deep in her heart, that she would never be able to love another. She would never be more happy or more content than she was at that moment. “I love you, Angel,” she told him, without an ounce of regret. She sobbed in relief and happiness, that she’d finally been given the chance to tell him those words. “I love you so much.”
Angel’s own tears fell more steadily at her words, but she could tell that he was overjoyed to finally be able to hear them freely and without regret or self-loathing. Cordelia shook her head in amusement at him, always amazed at the depths of his selflessness. How could he possibly regret her giving her love to him and only him forever, when he’d given her the most incredible gift of his love to her, and their son? “I love you too,” Angel replied, reaching one hand back up to her cheek and cradling Liam close to his chest with his other arm. “You and our son.”
Life was perfect for a brief moment as Angel kissed her again, holding their son carefully between them, not breaking away from Cordelia until she was breathless again. His eyes seemed to glaze over a little distractedly, and Cordelia knew their time was up. “Thank you… for everything…” Cordelia whispered, as Angel carefully placed their son in her arms, kissing her lightly again.
“I… I have to go,” he said regretfully. “But, believe me, I’ll never be far… I’m always with you both, and I will be until we’re together again. I love you both so much, and I’m so proud of you Cordelia,” he whispered hoarsely, tears falling freely down his face, while his solid image seemed to dim.
“We love you too,” finally able to rejoice in saying the words she had longed to say to him for months since she’d made her promise to him not to. Even years before that.
Angel’s hands came up to cup her cheeks as he kissed her passionately one last time, almost desperately, before he was finally gone.
When Cordelia opened her eyes, the room was dark and empty apart from her and Liam, and her cheeks were wet with her tears and Angel’s. Liam was asleep in her arms again, and she carefully slipped out of bed and placed him back in his crib, standing there watching him silently for a long time after that.
She expected to feel the same heartache, the same overwhelming loneliness, the same numb emptiness, that she had felt when Angel had peacefully slipped away in her arms, having lost him a second time tonight, but she realized she hadn’t lost him at all. Angel was gone, had passed on eight months ago, but he was always with her, her and Liam, just as he had promised.
And someday, she knew they’d be together again.
End.