Title: This Time It’s Real
Author: Anne
Posted: 04-30-2002
Disclaimers: ATS, BTVS not mine never mine, I bow to Joss and Co. imagination and ownership.
Spoilers: up to Sleep Tight. (maybe some mention of Cordy’s new powers) Oh, Groo doesn’t exist in the story for now, and if he gets mentioned, I’ll warn you and any mention will be a passing reference only.
Couples: Read the challenge, but also know I’ve never written anything but C/A and happy endings and I don’t plan to start now.
Comments: none really except this is an answer to a challenge posted by Muff – April 2002 posted at Stranger Things. Oh, thanks to everyone that read VampSmack Down and gave feed back. And now it’s Muff’s turn to take the blame for one of my stories.
Challenge: Issued by Muff
Cordelia dies
Buffy and Angel get back together but Angel is not happy
Cordelia comes back from the dead
Buffy and Cordelia fight over Angel but have to work together to save the world
Scooby gang accepts Cordy back while the fang gang is hesitant on her return: reason for this must be revealed
Optional:
Connor
Fred
Take place in either LA or Sunnydale
Big bad is your choice
Chapter 27
Gunn slapped his phone closed. “Angel and Cordy are on their way.” His words were to the room at large, but his smile was directed to his girlfriend and Crystal. Both women lit up.
“Told you Cordy be back,” Fred said to the young demon.
“I know. I just…She saved my life and is nice, that’s all.” Crystal shrugged, blushing a little.
Fred smiled. “I think you have a case of hero worship, its okay. Cordy is a hero.” Fred nudged at her whispering conspiratorially. “I had it too, but then…well, Cordy became my friend. She’s easy like that. And well, she’s our heart. She’s special. Hero worship is okay.”
Crystal gave a shy smile then looked over her shoulder. “She isn’t very friendly,” looking at Buffy. The blonde was off alone just staring at Lorne and Connor, the scowl on her face marring her prettiness.
Fred shrugged. “Don’t know her that well. Seemed nice enough at the funeral when she thought Cordy was dead and Angel did loved her at one time - so she can’t be TOO bad, but then again, Angel’s other old girl friend was really evil, she was blonde too, so who can tell? Though, we have to give her credit she did stake herself for Connor.” Fred shrugged.
“Her?”
“Oh, gosh no. Buffy’s a slayer, silly name if you ask me, Darla was a vampire, no soul, not like Angel, but she did stake herself for Connor. But, Cordy says Buffy’s a champion and Darla, while evil, was Connor’s mother." Fred shrugged. “ I’m not sure about it, usually, I agree with Cordy, but Darla tried to kill her and Buffy threw Connor out in the middle of the night and has been just horrid to Cordy since she’s returned. Those aren't very nice things to do. But, Darla was Connor’s mother, though she didn’t really like the idea. It was a pregnancy by prophecy not by choice, but she came through in the end.”
“I thought Cordy was Connor’s mother.”
“Oh, she is- definitely heart wise, just not blood wise. Which is more important.”
Crystal nodded and scrunched up her face looking over her other shoulder.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s Wesley. He seemed disappointed in me because I don’t know enough Drakkus to translate the disc.”
Fred looked towards the former watcher hunched over more books. “He’s not disappointed in you. Wesley just gets really involved in his research. And you did help him by giving him all that information about Drakkus, plus by explaining the Glisterian language and what Drakkus your familiar with, you gave us a root structure to work with. Between his books and my language program, we'll figure it out. Don’t worry. This is what we do.”
"Save the world AND the 'helpless'." Crystal grinned.
"Kinda of a one for all type of thing. Two tacos for the price of one," smiling in return. Now, what's wrong," noticing the change in Crystal's expression.
“It’s just that when you all came back from the cavern that last time, Gunn said that the vortexes were growing and multiplying. I’m not sure how much more time we have left.”
"I know but will figure it out. We always do. Well, almost always. But, at least our record for saving the world is 100 percent, look around. It's still here. And the Apocalypse- there tons of them- big words and great effects, but we've always won. World still here."
Fred stalled in her reassurances, her eyes widened along with her smile. "Angel, Cordy!"
Fred got up from her computer going straight for the couple. She hesitated slightly her arms bobbing in the air. Fred wanted to hug Cordy, but it hurt before when her friend brushed her off.
Fred’s decision was made when Cordelia engulfed the other woman in a big hug. “Hey. Missed you.” Cordelia whispered pulling at one of Fred’s long pigtails.
“Cordy,” Fred squealed, bouncing on her toes hugging back. “Me, too." She jumped back shooting over her shoulder to the room at large. "I knew Angel would fix it. I knew it," hugging again.
“Not all, but he fixed a lot.” Cordy held the young woman tightly.
Gunn practically fell off the counter as Wesley slowly stood. Gunn moved quickly at the young women’s display, hurrying to get in line.
Gunn shifted back and forth waiting for Fred to release Cordelia.
Cordelia smiled.
“Hey,” Gunn slouched his tall frame over and around the young woman.
“Hey, yourself."
Gunn looked up at Fred as Cordelia squeezed tight. “Cordy, man, my girl’s watching.”
“Hmmph.” Cordelia leaned back slapping his wide shoulders. “She’d be smart to get rid of you, you’re an idiot. Where’s the other one?” She pulled out of Gunn’s embrace.
“There you are.” Cordelia walked up to Wesley. “So you missed me, uh.” Cordelia gave a soft smile to her friend.
Wesley reached immediately for her. “I’m sorry…”
“Wes,” Cordelia leaned up. “It wasn’t your fault. Okay, so stop trying to take the master title from Mr. Guilt and Brood.”
“Ah, Princess.” Lorne stood, Connor in his arms. Angel was standing next to his son, playing with the small fingers watching as Cordelia let all of her family back in. He frowned when she got to Wesley. Angel sighed. He might have to reevaluate his hatred of the other man. Cordelia hadn't been pleased when he tried to choke Wesley that last time.
“I hope you’re offering me Connor and not a hug.”
“You’re still mad at me, aren’t you? I only read ‘em like I see’em, sweetcakes.”
“Right,” Cordelia leaned up kissing the green demon on the cheek and grabbing for the small baby.
“Mama,” Connor turned from Angel to yank on Cordelia’s hair.
Cordelia embraced the small boy to her chest. “So, all bad stuff solved, world saving plan figured out?” She said over Connor’s happy baby talk.
Buffy squeezed her fists to her sides, ignoring Dawn’s gentle tugging. The unease and fear that had begun to form at Lorne’s confirmation that Cordelia was alive started gnawing and eating away at her. Anger, bright and bubbling was churning inside at the sight of Cordelia holding Connor close and Angel hovering protectively over each with a rare beautiful smile on his face. Cordelia couldn’t be alive because if she was Buffy might have to accept that Angel would leave her.
“You’re dead and going back to heaven.” Buffy demanded, jerking away form Willow’s restraining hand.
Fred jumped as Gunn held her back, but the expression on his face was the same. He wanted to throttle the blonde. Gunn glanced over at Angel and Cordelia noting the scowl on the vampire’s face. It looked like he wouldn’t have to. Angel growled moving towards Buffy.
“Angel.” Cordelia placed a small hand on the vampire. She stared at Buffy stilling her own anger. It was not a pleasant feeling knowing that someone wanted you dead. But, Cordelia could understand Buffy. She felt Cordelia was a threat to her future with Angel. Still it didn’t make Cordelia any less mad or sad at the half-truth of Buffy’s statement.
“I’m alive, but don’t get all broken up about it, I’m still going to die again.”
“Cordy.” Angel’s growl now focused on the brunette.
“NO.” Fred protested pulling at Gunn’s arms. “Man.” Gunn added his voice to her yell. Wesley slumped back into his chair.
“Angel.”
Angel growled and turned sharply away from Cordelia striding over to Buffy pulling her into one of the back rooms, slamming the door.
Cordelia started to follow, then stopped. “Somebody was going to tell me what you’ll found out.”
“Cordy.” Fred ran up to the young woman.
“It’s okay, Fred.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“No, it isn't,” Cordy, admitted softly. “But it is going to happen, so let’s not dwell on it, please.”
Fred bit back her tears, slowly nodding.
***********
Buffy gulped her anger dispelling at the obvious evidence of Angel’s. “Angel, I…” she stopped at the vampire’s growl.
“I don’t know what your problem is….”
“You don’t?” Buffy’s anger flared back. “How about the fact that you are supposed to love me, but you’re all over her- how about you refuse to accept the fact that she is going to die. You smiled. You’re being blind and destroying us with this guilt ridden obsession with a dead person.”
Angel’s eyes narrowed any feeling he ever had for Buffy disappeared as the angry words spewed from her mouth. He didn’t see her pain, didn’t care about it, not anymore. Not while she stood in front of him saying that Cordelia was going to die, wanting her to die.
“Us? There is no US. There hasn’t been an US in over five years, if there ever was. Get it through your head- I love Cordy. I was just using you, understand.” Angel’s glower remanded at the shock on Buffy’s face, unaffected by the tears pooling in her blue eyes. “Good, you do, finally. And Buffy, don’t ever raise your voice to Cordy. Don’t ever upset her or Connor again.” Angel stalked out going back into the main room straight towards Cordy.
Cordelia was on the couch soothing Connor. She looked up as Angel stormed back. Damn, Buffy. Angel was enraged again. Would any of this be easy?
“Angel, Wesley was about to tell us what they found out,” patting the space next to her.
Angel resisted not wanting to hear what Wesley had to say. He growled and sat down at Cordy’s insistent urging, ignoring the hateful situation wouldn’t make it go away no matter how much he wanted it too.
Cordelia reached out and grasped at the vampire’s hand squeezing tightly.
Wesley pushed at his glasses and cleared his throat. The tension in the room was palatable. Wesley was somewhat surprised that Buffy came back into the room and not left the store slamming the door after her. Whatever Angel had said to Buffy hadn’t eased anything but made it worst. Wesley shrugged. Buffy’s feelings weren’t his concern.
“Crystal has been able to give us some very helpful information about the Drakkus.”
“Told you he wasn’t disappointed.” Fred whispered to the young demon.
Crystal squirmed and smiled.
“Yes, well. Drakkus was not the original name of the dimension that is opening and the ‘Drakkus’- the demons that we encountered are not ingenious to that dimension. It seems that Glisterains were once the predominant demon species on Glistra, but the years of the Drakkus overwhelming presence on the dimension as led to the renaming."
“Ego much?”
“Actually Cordelia, it doesn’t appear that the Drakkus’ psyche includes an individual concept of self- but rather more of a hive mentality that have a collective id psyche. Operating, living purely on instinctual needs and drives, their consciousness actions and decisions driven by those unconscious needs.”
“Oh, my mistake- ID-iot, much.” Cordelia rolled her eyes at Wesley long-winded response to her quip.
Wesley cleared his throat with a disapproving look at the young woman, but he couldn’t stop the twinkle in his eyes. God. He had missed her. He had missed this, helping his family. “As I was saying the Drakkus infiltrated the dimension in an attempt to acquire the resources available there, primarily it's life energy. The Glisterains have been fighting the occupations for centuries. Using their power, their life energies- the white light, to combat the vortex that the Drakkus use as weapons and gathering devices. At this time, though, the Glisterains have been all but obliterated. As a consequence, the dimension is dying as their individual life forces sustained the dimension’s, hence the Drakkus' need to find another dimension."
“Yoa, Wes man, those unconscious needs- they would be?”
Wesley turned to Gunn. “Why to survive, of course, by any means necessary.”
“Uhuh, why am I thinking ‘Independence Day?".
“Actually, I was thinking more ‘First Contact.” Xander piped in. “Assimilation and all that.”
“Nay, man, ‘Independence Day’”. Gunn shook his head. “Big ass exterminating locust.” Gunn shivered exaggeratedly.
Wesley took an exasperated breath. “Drakkus are not aliens from outer space.”
“Couldn’t have that could we, must stick to demons from another dimension, it so much easier to defeat and believe in.” Cordelia said.
“Well, if there are like the Borg or the ‘big ass’ locust then all we need to do is to blow up the Queen or mother ship.” Xander said.
“There is no mother ship…”
“Right, like you know what’s parked on the other side of that black hole.”
“They are not aliens trying to take over the earth,” Wesley said again.
“Right,” Cordelia agreed. “They're demons trying to take over the earth. Geez, see the difference.” The sarcasm clear in her tone.
“There is a leader, not a queen, but he’s a head ruler.” Crystal added.
“There you go - get the leader that’s probably hanging out in the ‘mother’ ship parked outside the black hole.”
Wesley slammed his book down, stopping all comments. “To attack the ‘leader’ we must enter into the other dimension. That it not advisable. What we must do is close the portal permanently.”
“Can we do that?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Dawg, not the answer we wanted to hear. Hate to say, it but I’m with Xandman, here- let’s blow the ‘mother’ up.” Gunn said.
“Entering the other dimension is unwise as well as impossible since we don’t know how to open the portal, either. ” Wesley rubbed his head again. “I do believe the Drakkus were beginning the ritual that would have opened the Portal completely by the attempted sacrifice of Crystal and the words chanted from this disc. I believe that the key to the closing is also contained on it.”
Wesley held up the stone object. “However, the language is unfamiliar to any known demon text that I can find.”
Wesley ignored the groans coming from the room. They came from everyone but Fred, the pretty pig tailed physicist was smiling.
“With Crystal’s help though, Fred has designed a program that should be able to generate a base language.”
“That’s my girl.” Gunn looped a proud arm around Fred.
“While the program is running we need to stall the growth of the portal and make sure that no more Drakkus appear.” Wesley continued.
“Ooh, ooh,” Cordy waived her arm frantically in the air.
“You have a question, Cordelia? Please share with the class.” Wesley said dryly.
“Wes, you weren’t planning to sacrifice Crystal, were you? Cuz that would be a big no no,”
“What?” Crystal cried out.
“What? Of course not.” Wesley exclaimed. “Cordy.” He rubbed at his head, completely shocked and appalled.
“Just checking.” Cordelia grinned and stuck her tongue out.
Wesley glared at the young woman. She was teasing him again. God, he loved it.
Cordelia’s smile remained on her face as she leaned back into Angel. She didn’t understand why the Powers thought she was needed for this. Sure, Cordelia could help with stalling and fighting, but the closing of the portal was definitely Wesley’s area of expertise. Cordelia glanced over to Buffy. Even the slayer’s role would be regulated to just stalling and fighting; it didn’t make much sense that the Powers needed her to help Buffy in that aspect. Cordelia wondered if her death would be at the hands of the slayer, because if looks could kill, Cordelia would definitely be dead as a doorknob on the couch. Cordelia sighed
Buffy glared at the brunette. Did Cordelia actually have the nerve to give her a sympathetic look? Buffy couldn’t stand it. Angel hadn’t even looked at her since their confrontation. It wasn’t even as if he was trying to ignore her, rather it was like Angel was no longer aware of her existence. Angel's concentration was totally focused on the brunette, smiling at Cordelia's stupid interruptions. Angel was smiling at her dumb jokes. Buffy gritted her teeth. Not only were they still holding hands, but also now Angel was twirling his fingers in her hair. Angel couldn't stop touching Cordelia. Buffy had to get out of there. She didn’t need to listen to Wesley drone on and on. Someone would tell her when and where to kill the demons.
Buffy left the main room, heading for the back training room. Powerful blows smacked into the punching bag. Smashing images of Angel and Cordelia together. How had everything gone so completely wrong? Yesterday morning, Angel loved Buffy, this evening he hated her and loved Cordelia. It was all the other woman's fault. If Cordelia hadn't come back from the dead, Angel wouldn't be confusing all of his guilt feelings for love. Death had turned Queen C into Saint Cordy. Buffy was sick of it. So maybe Cordelia did change from high school, but Buffy didn't see it. So, maybe she died to save Connor. Who wouldn't? And now, Cordelia was supposed to be on some mission for the Powers. Well, Buffy didn't see why she was needed. Buffy could handle any stupid old Armageddon without her help. God, Buffy wished Cordelia had just remained dead. The punches threatened to tear the bag from its bracings.
"You rang, or wished rather." Anya tapped on Buffy's shoulder.
"Anya!" Buffy grabbed the bag, keeping it from knocking into the young woman. "When did you get back? Does Xander know? What?" Buffy exclaimed, surprised by sudden appearance of the ex-demon.
Except Anya wasn't an ex-demon anymore. Anya had resumed her status as a vengeance demon not long after Xander had left her at the altar. She had left town frustrated and angry that neither Buffy nor Willow would help her wish something terrible on the young man. Buffy, Willow and Xander had waited anxiously for something horrible to befall Xander, but months had passed and nothing, just infrequent calls too Willow to make sure that the Magic Shoppe was still generating a profit.
"Not really a social call, Buffy. Though, I had planned on coming back soon. Have to make sure that you'll aren't running the Shoppe into the ground. Even demons need money, you know."
"Why..."
Anya cocked her brow puzzled by the question "For food, clothes, shelter, pretty things, the standards, of course."
"Why are you here?" Buffy rolled her eyes.
"Oh." Anya settled back on her heels. "You wished...I came. Feeling a bit scorned are you? Love getting you down? Feeling betrayed?"
"I didn't..."
"Yes, heard it clearly. You wished Cordelia never came back from the dead, accompanied by an impressive amount of bitterness."
"You're here because of me?"
"Yep, though finding it a bit ironic, you who were SO against me wishing Xander's penis to explode are now wishing Cordelia dead because you're boyfriend dumped you. I got left at the altar, but I guess it not the same."
Buffy took a deep breath. "I don't wish her dead. Cordelia was already dead and is going to die again. I just wish the unnecessary middle part were gone. I don’t want to hurt anyone. It’s just that her being here is confusing Angel."
"Uhuh." Anya responded, clearly not getting the distinction.
“You don’t understand.”
“Right, I’m just a demon can’t comprehend human emotions, silly me. Look, do you want me to do the wish or not. Time is as valuable as money. I've got a house wife in Santa Barbara that just found out that her husband is two timing her with their pool boy. She's pissed."
"I..." The imagines of Cordelia, Angel and Connor lying on the bed, them snuggled on the couch together flashed through Buffy's mind. It should be her. "Yes."
"Uhuh, ironic or is it just hypocrisy? I get those two mixed up, the demon thing and all. Oh well. Done." Anya disappeared with a flash, the beautiful vengeance demon's head still shaking as she vanished.
Chapter 28
About five months before....
Angel stood beside the crib, his strong finger clasped by tiny little ones. He had done it. Angel had taken what Buffy offered, her love, her home and now the comfort of her body. Angel knew it was wrong to let her think that his soul was permanent. But, it really hadn't been a lie. He had told her that it would be impossible for Angelus to return since Quor-toth. Angel just hadn't told her that it was because any chance of his true happiness had been lost in that battle.
Angel smiled a soft smile at his son. He had Connor so it was still possible for him to have joy and a future. Cordelia gave him that. Angel closed his eyes, imagines of the young woman flashing in his mind, memories of every other thing she gave him. God, it still hurt.
"Angel."
The dark vampire turned to the beautiful blonde.
"Come back to bed," holding her hand out.
Angel nodded. It really hadn't been all a lie. He did love Buffy. She had been his dream for so long. She just wasn't Cordy, but that dream was buried deep underneath dirt in LA.
Buffy smiled as she experienced a deja vu. Her wish was granted. She and Angel were starting from the moment they first made love after he came back to her. They would have their future together without any interruption from a ghost.
***********
about three months later....
Angel's first thought as he awakened was one of annoyance at the body draped over him. Buffy knew he didn't like closeness after sex, he may have never actually told her that or the reason, but she knew he would rather leave the bed than endure it- his annoyance was followed quickly by quilt. He couldn't do this much more longer- taking Buffy's love and using it for comfort. It wasn't working now, if it ever had and it wasn't fair to her. If Angel wasn't lying to her in words, he was in thoughts and dreams. The guilt was real, but so was the annoyance and it was stronger, Buffy was interrupting his dream. Angel gently pulled away from the warmth, going to Connor's room to see his son and recapture his dreams as he had done every night for the last three months.
***********
”Connor, you need to sleep.” Angel signed at the crying young boy. Connor's eyes were red and his cries muffled by the small fist shoved in his mouth.
The small boy just stared at his father a little hand pounded on the side of the crib, his body swaying and leaning into the plastic bars.
“Come here, I know what you need, what we both need.” Angel picked up his son and settled him on his lap, his hand reaching in between the mattress and the box springs. Connor stopped his sniffling and watched with interest. Connor squealed when he saw the leather bound sketchbook.
“Mama.” He banged at the book.
“Yes, Connor, Mama,” opening to the first drawing.
Connor grabbed at the drawing, “Want.” He hit the picture again.
Angel traced the penciled lines of Cordelia’s features. “Me, too, baby, me too,” slowly turning to the next portrait and the next.
Angel closed the book as Connor’s eyelids fluttered. He slid the book back into his hiding place and let Connor’s small breaths and heart beat lull him too sleep. Angel’s hand rubbing his child’s back, trying to make up for his own lack of a beating heart wishing for the sound of another.
***********
Buffy stretched out and felt the empty side of her bed, again. She pushed the blonde strains away from her face. Angel was following the same patterns has before. She didn't understand it. Buffy was trying to be the most loving girlfriend in the world, understanding and patient. But, there was nothing she could do to keep him from leaving her bed, shutting her out and shutting her friends out. Still, she sighed, Cordelia wouldn't be coming back and Angel wouldn't leave her. Buffy had time to be even more patient.
"Angel."
"Good morning."
"How long have you been up?"
Angel shrugged. "I heard Connor cry. He still hasn't been sleeping well."
"Angel, the doctor said he was fine."
"He can't sleep through the night, Buffy, that's not fine."
Buffy started to say something at his sharp tone but stopped herself. The familiarity of the conversation was making her uneasy. She shook off the feeling; she had been having a lot of that lately. Buffy was just experiencing memories of what had happened before, but this time it would have a different ending- A happy one for Angel and her. She just had to remember that.
"I'm sure it's normal one year-old stuff." She smiled encouragingly. "I'm going to get breakfast for Dawn, okay."
Angel didn't even look up, his eyes back on his son.
Buffy turned and glanced back once more. She should've added a wish that Angel would be a happy vampire as well as the one she had made or better yet she should've wished him human. Oh well. Human would really be nice, but she hadn’t really had the time to think it all through.
Buffy sighed, as much as she hated it, she knew that Angel had loved Cordelia. He, obviously, was still brooding, but Angel would move on. And Cordelia wouldn't show up to ruin it.
***********
Angel waited until he sensed Buffy downstairs. He lay back down on the bed, the memories of his dream flashing through his thoughts. It had been so vivid and real...yells, snippets of conversation, words of encouragement, promises and beautiful smiles, all tumbled around him. Cordelia, so beautiful, so full of life...long hair, short hair, brunette, blonde. Why did she do that to her gorgeous hair? Angel never got the chance to get his fingers lost in its richness. Still, brunette, blonde, or purple she was the most beautiful woman he ever knew.... The memories were no longer those of a dream but of real events, real words, real beauty, real pain.
You're cut off from life, but don't worry, I'm gonna help with that!
Angel couldn't help but grin. Cordelia had had the biggest smile, practically bobbing up and down with encouragement and promise. He had almost smiled then, almost had shocked both Wesley and Cordy by laughing out loud at her offering to get him a puppy or had it been the ant farm that had made him want to break a century old habit of frowning.
Angel cringed. That feeling hadn’t lasted very long. The memory of Cordelia so young, so pale, the tears pouring from sightless eyes lying strapped to a hospital bed still had the power to terrify him. He had taken it for granted that he would always keep Cordy safe, it was his job. But it had been then that Angel had realized with sudden clarity that it wasn't just a job and Cordelia wasn't just an employee. He knew then that he needed that young woman with a power that was frightening. Killing Vocah and taking Lindsey's hand had been so satisfying.
What had Cordy said when she finally woke from her endless nightmares of the helpless?
I saw them all…there’s so much pain…we have to help them.
And Angel had vowed to her then that they would.
Angel’s head hit the pillow. Just like Cordy broke her promise to stay with him always, he broke his vow to her
More words tumbled through his brain, damning his actions.
If you were a loser, if you were a sick obsessed vampire, you’d go to a snod demon or whatever and get your heart cut out. But you’re not. You’re a living, breathing- well a living, anyway-good guy who’s still fighting and trying to help people. That’s not betraying her. That’s honoring her.
Cordelia had said those words to convince him that he shouldn’t feel guilty for being able to move on after Buffy’s death. And she had. But, she had been so wrong. Angel was a sick obsessed vampire. He may not have gone to a slog demon and literally gotten his heart cut out, but Angel had cut himself off from the heart that Cordelia had created for him. Angel had taken Connor and ran away from the family that she had lived for, suffered for and died for, just like Angel turned away from the fight, not continuing on the mission that had been so important to her. One that Cordelia had given up a normal life for, one that she had given up part of her humanity for.
Hello, Angel's Investigations, we help the helpless.
God, how many times had Angel heard her say that in her optimistic, joyful voice? Angel closed his eyes. He failed Cordelia. He not only didn’t save her, but he betrayed who she was.
Angel sat up, his decision made. “Connor, we’re going home.”
Chapter 29
Buffy had made Dawn’s breakfast in rote habit not hearing her younger sister or Willow’s comments, her eyes fastening on the calendar that hung on the refrigerator and the big red X centered on the day's date. She couldn't get over the feeling that it was important. Oh well. It must not have been, if she couldn't remember. Buffy's thoughts went back up to the vampire upstairs. She nodded absentmindedly as Dawn said good-bye.
Buffy had thought patience would be enough. But, Buffy didn’t know anymore if that was the right course of action. Maybe, it was time for her confront the vampire about his real feelings for Cordelia. Buffy hadn't wanted to, wanting nature to take it's course. But, this couldn’t go on- Angel hiding in Connor’s room, avoiding her friends. Hell, practically avoiding her. Angel wouldn’t even stay in bed with her through the night.
Sure. Angel went on patrols with her. But, where those times together had once been special - ‘their’ time in high school, they seemed like a nothing more like a chore to Angel now. Angel would fight whatever foe they found with viciousness that almost scared Buffy. Then he would want to make love, but sometimes Buffy wasn’t even sure if Angel knew who she was. He never said her name. Then Angel would leave.
This was not the fairytale Buffy imagined in her dreams or in her wish.
Buffy got up. She would ask Angel about Cordelia, she would listen to him say that he loved her, she wouldn't get mad, she would be understanding. Because once it was out in the open, Angel would have no reason to still feel guilty. Buffy would convince him of that.
Buffy paused at the bottom of the stairs. The deja vu feelings were worse today than ever. The day just didn't feel right. Buffy braced her shoulders up; she was just reluctant to hear about Angel's love for Cordelia. But, Buffy was positive that once they dealt with it, things would be better.
***********
“What are you doing?” Buffy asked, staring as Angel packed up Connor’s things.
Angel stilled, not turning. He took a deep breath and continued packing.
“Angel.”
Angel didn’t want to do this, but he had to. He put down the bag and faced Buffy.
“Connor and I are leaving, going back to LA.”
“What? Why? You can't” Buffy’s chest constricted as her panic rose. "You can't. There's no reason too. Cordy's dead."
Angel closed his eyes. "Yes, I know Cordy's dead and that's my reason."
"What that doesn't make any sense. Angel, she's dead, not in LA, not here, she's not coming back. There's no reason for you to go. You love me. She's dead."
Angel paused angered and confused by Buffy's panicked assertions that Cordelia was dead. He knew that dead or not Cordelia was the reason he was leaving but how did Buffy?
"I know she's dead." A low growl escaped his throat. Angel took a deep breath. "I know, but I have to go to LA. That's where my home is that..."
Buffy grabbed his arm. "You're home's here with me. I can be Connor's mother. Cordy's dead. How can she be his mother? She can't."
Angel jerked his arm away. "What..." Angel was pretty sure that Connor only spoke of his Mama in front of him. But Buffy must've heard it and understood. Angel started to feel guilty. Had Buffy found his sketches? No matter. He wouldn't deny the truth any longer. "Cordy is Connor's mother. He will always remember that,” he said softly but firmly.
Buffy's panic was turning into anger and frustration. "Fine, let him remember a dead woman. But, why do you have to leave.
"I have to." Angel frowned at her tone, trying to remain focused on what he needed to tell Buffy. But, how do you tell someone that you love that you don’t love them enough, that you were using them to hide from your life to hide from dreams that won’t go away.
"No you don't, you can't"
Angel took another deep breath. “Buffy, I don’t belong here with you. My home is in LA…I just forgot.”
Buffy blinked. “Angel, of course, you belong with me. We love each other. This is your home. You can't be with Cordy. She's..."
"Damn't, STOP saying that I know it. God, I know it." Angel growled.
"Okay." Buffy stepped back. "But....Angel, this is your home."
“No,” shaking his head. “My home is in LA, where my mission is, where my family is.”
“I’m your family.”
“Buffy, I do love you. But I don’t belong here.”
“I…you love me, you belong with me.....this can't be happening. This can't be happening." Buffy repeated, rubbing her head. "You can't leave me. Why? Cordy's not here. ”
Angel shook his head. “I don’t belong with you.”
“Yes, you do. It’s been our dream for so long. And we made it. Angel, I know you loved Cordelia, okay. I can understand and accept that. But, she’s dead, not coming back. You’ve moved on. You have to stay with me.”
Angel stared at the slayer. Angel expected that Buffy would be upset, mad even, but he hadn’t expected this desperation or her realization that he loved Cordelia. But he was glad that it was out in the open. He should’ve never hid the truth in the first place. But it had been too painful to even think about. “I do love Cordy.”
“Did, Angel, DID. She’s…..”
“STOP SAYING THAT.” Angel yelled.
“Angel, you have to accept it, deal with it. I can help you.”
“NO, Buffy, you can’t. Nothing can, except maybe going back to LA where I belong and honoring Cordy.”
“Honor? How’s going back to LA honoring her. Angel, I’m sure she wanted you too be happy. We can be happy.”
“No, Buffy, I can’t be happy, I can’t move on. But, I will go back to my family and continue the life I started to have there, helping the helpless, working towards my redemption, something that I can’t do here. I’ll will do it to honor Cordelia…she told me by her words, actions and sacrifices how important that was to her. I failed her when I couldn’t save her, I won’t betray her anymore by turning my back on the mission and family that she suffered and died for. I won’t. She gave up part of her humanity for me, for the visions. I love her. I have to go.”
Buffy stumbled back, Angel was leaving her. She could see his determination. There was nothing she could do.
Angel had said visions. Oh God. She hadn’t thought about it once, except when she marked today’s date with a big fat X three months ago. She left out the ‘end of the world’ part. It would’ve raised questions that she wasn’t prepared to answer. But, Buffy knew she would remember, who forgot something like that.
“Angel, we have to go, NOW.” All the moments of the deja vu, the image of the big red X on the calendar banged together forming one horrify picture. Today was the day Cordelia would’ve returned to warn them, to have the vision of the start of the Apocalypse. They had to get to the cave.
“BUFFY, BUFFY”, Willow, Xander and Dawn ran up the stairs.
Chapter 30
Buffy turned towards her friends, tendrils of fear spread through out her nerve endings.
All three started talking at once. “Park gone.” “No, entirely just disappearing.” “Demons, no face.” “Swirling black holes.”
“NO.” Buffy ran; pushing past them, fear flooding her. She couldn’t be too late. Buffy tore out of the house. She had to get the disc.
“What the hell is going on?” Angel ordered.
“We have to go help Buffy.” Xander yelled heading back the way he came.
“Help her do what?” Angel grabbed at Xander.
“I don’t know, kill the demons, stop the swirling black hole from swallowing the whole town, that.”
Willow and Dawn nodded frantically.
Angel growled. “Get the car,” grabbing a blanket.
“Don’t bother, dead boy.” Xander ran to the window ripping down the heavy cho cho train curtains. “No sun.”
The afternoon sun had disappeared or rather was hidden by a dark mist coating the air and reaching to the horizon.
“Dawn, stay with Connor.” Angel switched the blanket for his coat and sword.
***********
Buffy just ran, praying that it wasn’t too late. It couldn’t be. She ran faster, her heart in her throat. The fear causing it to beat harshly almost choking her, it made her run even faster.
Buffy stumbled falling to the ground at the sight before her. There was no disc, because there was no cave and there was no cave because there was no park. The street surrounding it was gone. The demons were spreading out in a circular motion, heralding the growing void, sparks shot out of the nothingness and with each spark came a vortex swirling and expanding to make the blackness larger.
Buffy watched in terrified fascination as the encroaching demons and blackness ate away at the town. Swallowing up people and things.
Buffy did this. Her inability to see beyond her own pain brought this on. Her fear at losing Angel, blinded her too the importance of Cordelia’s presence.
“Buffy,” Angel cried, swing his sword at an approaching demon. “Buffy.”
Buffy blinked looking up. “It won’t do any good. Kill one another comes. We can’t stop them or it.”
“We can fight.”
“We don’t have the disc. We lost before we even began.” Buffy got up, standing motionless, as more demons appeared moving closer. Her heart had stopped its frantic beating. She felt nothing just like the void in front of her.
Angel grabbed the shocked young woman carrying away from the demons. “Buffy, what disc?” yelling as he ran.
“Put me down.” Buffy started to struggle.
“Not if you’re just going to stand there.”
“Put me down.” Buffy yelled kicking out with her strength.
Buffy picked herself up, glaring at the vampire that saved her.
“Buffy, they’re coming too fast, we have to go.”
“Go, where, it’s eating the town. We can’t stop it.”
“Buffy….you said something about a disc. What disc?”
“Guys,” Xander ran up out breath, his car in the background. “Staying here doesn’t seem to be a good idea,” pointing behind Angel and Buffy.
The demons were claiming the distance that Angel had put between them.
“Time for the classic fast retreat. Willow and Dawn went to the Magic Shoppe. Connor’s with them.” Xander added at Angel’s growl.
“Won’t do any good, Drakkus isn't in the books.” Buffy shook her head vigorously, the feelings cascading back into her being, as her tears poured.
“Drakkus?”
“The demons, the dimension. It’s too late.”
“Buffy,” Angel shook the woman by her shoulders. “If you know what it is, we can find out how to stop it.”
The slayer shook her head again. “I know how to stop it. Do the ritual on the disc but we don’t have the disc.” Her voice numb at the shock of what she had let happen.
“What disc?”
“The disc..the disc that told how too close the damn portal, the one I didn’t get, the one that Cordelia told Wesley was important. The one that he was translating with the help…Oh god.” Buffy slumped. “Cordelia didn’t save Crystal…she was killed that’s why the portal is growing so quickly. Oh god, what have I done?”
“Cordy…Wesley…Buffy, you’re not making sense.” Angel said, holding her still.
Buffy stared. Her love for the vampire was destroying the world. Love or had it just been desperation and jealousy. Buffy closed her eyes, squeezing her tears to a stop.
“Buffy.”
“I know how to stop this.” She said suddenly taking off running.
Angel paused. Cordy? Cordy told Wesley about a disc? A disc that he was translating? About this? Who was Crystal? And Buffy knew? When? How? Angel started running; his answers wouldn’t be found there.
“Running is good, but car is better, well at least for those with out supernatural powers.” Xander stared after Buffy and Angel, both running at an inhuman speed.
Chapter 31
Buffy barged into the magic Shoppe. “Willow.”
The redhead shot up from the pile of books. “I’ve…”
“We need Anya.”
“Anya?”
“Anya?” Xander repeated coming in behind Buffy and the vampire. Angel had already gone to Connor.
“We need to summon her.”
“Buffy, she’s out of town, who knows where. How can she help?”
“Not call,” Buffy shook her head. “Summons her, summons Anyanka. Giles has the book, right?”
“I…Anyanka?”
“Buffy, unless one of those demons screwed you over, a vengeance demon can’t help.” Xander said.
“No, this is the wish, this isn’t real. She has to stop it.”
“Anya wished this? I knew she hated me, but I always thought she liked the world.” Xander said. “Isn’t this just a little ‘over kill’ I thought she wanted to blow up my….Mr. Peter…not the world.”
“Mr. Peter.” Angel raised a brow.
“Hey.”
“Willow, look for it.” Buffy called ignoring Xander and Angel.
“Uh, Buffy, I’m with Xander, this doesn’t really sound like a wish Anya would do.”
“It wasn’t her wish. Find it.”
“Whose was it?”
“Willow, please.”
“Okay, okay.”
“Okay, I’ll ask whose was it?”
“Mine.” Buffy said staring straight at Angel, guilt and regret clear on her wet face.
“What?” The room cried out.
“Buffy, you’re with Angel, not that I wouldn’t mind deadboy out of the picture, but he’s in it. Why would you make a wish to a vengeance demon?”
“Angel left me.” Buffy tore her eyes from the vampire.
“He’s right there.” Xander pointed.
“He was going to leave me, go back to LA.”
“Buffy, you wished the end of the world because I told you I was leaving this morning.” Angel was incredulous.
“You broke up with Buffy,” Xander, Dawn and Willow said stunned.
“No.” Buffy said softly, not wanting to admit what she had done.
“He didn’t? I’m confused.” Xander said.
“I didn’t wish the world to end and I didn’t wish it this morning,” tears were falling freely down Buffy’s face, blurring her vision. She was grateful; she didn’t want to see Angel’s eyes on her. As it was his gaze was burning holes in her heart.
“Buffy,” Angel took a step closer to the crying young woman.
Buffy stepped back, her head shaking. “Angel…I’m sorry…I just…you were leaving me for her and she was still going to die. The Powers only sent her back for…to warn us about this and to get you to go back to LA to fight…for your soul’s redemption.” Buffy gave a small choked chuckle. “You figured that on your own, didn’t you, for her.”
“Who, Buffy, who,” Angel stepped closer, his soft voice losing any signs of gentleness, strains of coldness seeping in as a glimmering of Buffy’s meaning reached him.
The tears in her throat coated Buffy’s bitter laugh, her head lowered in shame at the jealousy that was still present, even now. “Who do you think? Connor’s Mama.”
Angel stilled, his body tensing.
“Darla?” Xander squeaked. “How many lives does the nasty evil bitch get? And why? You left Buffy for Darla? Okay, I’m down with the vengeance thing, but Buffy, the world?”
“Not, Darla.” Dawn said in sad realization. “Cordelia.” Dawn had seen the sketchbook, realizing right away what her sister had been blind too. Dawn hadn’t said anything because Angel was with Buffy and Cordelia had been dead. Dawn had wanted her sister to be happy. Though, seeing how things were turning out maybe she should have said something sooner.
Buffy brushed harshly at the moisture trailing down her face, ignoring the others. “Angel..I…I’m sorry. I just couldn’t see it anymore…She came…you forgot all about ‘US’…you wouldn’t listen…the three of you…in my house, MY house…together sleeping like a family. She had my family and she wasn’t even going to stay alive…but you wouldn’t…I just….” Buffy closed her eyes in attempt to shut out the imagines and Angel’s expression.
The astonished joy at the thought of Connor AND Cordelia in his arms disappeared as quickly as it had come as Angel realized all of what Buffy was saying. “You wished Cordy away- dead.” The coldness had taken over the vampire’s words leaving nothing for Buffy.
“Angel…”
Buffy’s plea grated on Angel’s control. Another person he had trusted had destroyed his dream.
“Whoa, vamp boy,” Xander grabbed at Angel’s arm, trying to break his grip on Buffy’s neck. “Willow, Dawn somebody, stake. Buffy, slayer power ignite.”
“Angel, no” “Stop.” Dawn and Willow ran up.
Buffy gasped, her slayer self-preservation instincts kicked in, her hands slammed into either side of Angel’s head. Angel was pushed back as Buffy fell to the ground.
Xander, Willow and Buffy quickly moved in between the slayer and vampire.
“Back off, deadboy,” Xander held up a stake that Willow immediately pushed down.
“Stop.” Willow turned to the slayer. “Buffy, are you saying that Cordelia came back from the dead, prevented all this and you still wished her away?” Willow was amazed. Sure, she went on a couple of magical power trips before, but Buffy? Buffy had disapproved of Willow’s ego trips and how they had put others in danger. Geez. Buffy was really a more of the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ type of gal. The world was ending.
“I thought I could…”
“But, you didn’t, did you.” Angel said coldly. “Cordy is my seer, a link to the Powers…If they brought her back from the dead there was a reason.”
“I thought…”
“You didn’t think. You just reacted like a spoiled little girl.”
“Hey, dead boy, don’t sound so high and mighty- you cheated on the love of your life, behind her back.”
Angel’s cold gaze pierced the young man. “Never.”
“Buffy said she saw you.”
“I don’t know what Buffy saw, I could only dream. But, if Cordy was here, I was with her AND it wasn’t behind anyone’s back.” Angel knew with a certainty if Cordelia had returned from the dead, nothing would have prevented him from being at her side. “ Stop the wish, Buffy,” he growled.
“Buffy, you have, too. The void.”
Buffy brushed at her tears. “I would…but I don’t know how. That’s why we need to summon Anya.”
“I’m here.” Buffy jumped as the pretty vengeance demon tapped her on the shoulder.
“Anya.” Xander squeaked.
“Still miserable, freaked, waiting for your penis to fall off.”
“Shit.” Xander winced.
“I take that as a yes.” Anya smiled.
“Stop the wish,” Angel growled. “Give me back Cordy.”
“It doesn’t work that way. I can’t just turn off a wish just because the betrayed woman doesn’t like how it turned out. And I sure can’t do it when the unfaithful man wants me too.” Anya studied the growling vampire. “Unfaithful in the heart counts, too,” waving her finger disapprovingly at Angel. “But, then you aren’t really a betrayed woman are you, Buffy? You knew it was coming, you just didn’t want to see it or accept it.”
“Shut up and stop the wish.”
“Okay.”
“Just like that? You said…”
Anya shrugged. “Seems an in the know important upper middle management type demon named Skip called in a favor with my boss. The Powers aren’t real pleased that their plans were interfered with. Geez, they want their warriors to at least have a shot at stopping the end of the world.”
“A shot? Cordelia’s presence doesn’t stop all this.”
“No guarantees but the odds are definitely better than what’s happening outside.” Anya turned to Buffy. “They also want me to let you retain your memory of this wish, hoping I guess that you’ll learn from it.” Anya cocked her pretty head. “Can you do that, Buffy?” Anya shook her head. "Nevermind, for your own safety,” Anya looked pointedly at Angel. “Everyone else will forget. You’ll begin where you wished. Now, go guys, go save the world.”
“WAIT,” Xander shouted. “My…”
“Mr. Peter is fine for now,” Anya smiled and in a flash was gone.
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