Title: This Time It’s Real
Author: Anne
Posted: 04-30-2002
Disclaimers: ATS, BTVS not mine never mine, I bow to Joss and Co. imagination and ownership.
Spoilers: up to Sleep Tight. (maybe some mention of Cordy’s new powers) Oh, Groo doesn’t exist in the story for now, and if he gets mentioned, I’ll warn you and any mention will be a passing reference only.
Couples: Read the challenge, but also know I’ve never written anything but C/A and happy endings and I don’t plan to start now.
Comments: none really except this is an answer to a challenge posted by Muff – April 2002 posted at Stranger Things. Oh, thanks to everyone that read VampSmack Down and gave feed back. And now it’s Muff’s turn to take the blame for one of my stories.
Challenge: Issued by Muff
Cordelia dies
Buffy and Angel get back together but Angel is not happy
Cordelia comes back from the dead
Buffy and Cordelia fight over Angel but have to work together to save the world
Scooby gang accepts Cordy back while the fang gang is hesitant on her return: reason for this must be revealed
Optional:
Connor
Fred
Take place in either LA or Sunnydale
Big bad is your choice
Chapter 18
“Aw, shit,” Gunn quickly looked around the room for any signs of Cordelia.
“Where did she go,” Angel stalked up to Wesley. The former watcher stood rubbing his face. “I don’t know, Angel.”
Angel’s dark gaze bore into the man prepared to find fault with him.
“Angel, Wesley didn’t do anything,” Fred twisted her hands. “Cordy was just sitting her. Maybe she went out for some fresh air or something.”
“Yeah, right.” Xander answered. “Nothing like a midnight stroll on the Hellmouth, it can be so relaxing.”
“She took her sword.” Gunn called from the counter.
Angel’s low growl vibrated in his chest and throat. “Phone.” He held out his hand to Fred.
“Angel…” Fred bit her lip, shrugging, holding her palms up to the air. “It’s...still..um…at the house.”
Angel narrowed his eyes, growled again and turned to Wesley. “Phone.”
Wesley pulled out his cell phone and handed it to the vampire without a word. Angel nodded and headed for the door.
“Man, I’m with you.” Gunn picked up his axe.
“I’ll find her.” Angel disappeared into the night.
“I guess that was a no, then.” Gunn put the axe down. .
“Wesley, we should keep on…” Fred pointed to the books.
Wesley just stared at the door praying that nothing happened to Cordelia. Angel already blamed the former watcher for the young woman’s death that wouldn’t have a chance of changing if anything else happened. And the thing was Angel with all his anger couldn’t blame Wesley more than the former watcher blamed himself.
“Wesley,” Fred called again.
“Dawg Wes, Cordy said she needed your brains, so get brainin.” Gunn called. “Angel will call if he needs us.”
‘Us’. Wesley studied the black man. Gunn was including him. Wesley studied the two people that along with Angel, Connor and Cordelia once comprised his family. They’re expressions weren’t condemning. They hadn’t been since they all left Caritas together with Cordelia. They were opening the door to him. Wesley nodded taking the chance.
Crystal tugged at Wesley’s arm. “Is he always like this?”
Wesley adjusted his glasses. “Excuse me?”
“Angel- is he always so scary?”
“Oh no, Angel’s not scary, he’s sweet.” Fred went to reassure the young demon.
Even Gunn and Wesley’s jaws dropped at Fred’s comment. “What? He is. It’s just well you know, he gets….”
“Angry, scary and frequently violent when Connor or Cordelia are threatened.” Wesley finished for Fred, his voice free from any bitterness. It was the truth.
Fred shrugged, pushing at her glasses. “Like I said, it’s sweet how protective he is over them. Connor is his son and well..Cordy…well they have Kye-rumption.”
Wesley returned to his books and Gunn to his game knowing already where Fred was going. They both had heard it enough and didn’t need to be convinced.
“Kye-rumption?” Crystal asked.
“Kye-rumption, when two great heroes meet on the field of battle and recognize their mutual fate…”
“Sorry, having a hard time imagining Queen Cordy as any type of hero” Xander interrupted.
Xander’s comment brought both Wesley and Gunn’s heads back up. Gunn got ready to cut the young man a new asshole, but noticed Fred’s expression. His girl would take care of it.
“She’s a hero- all with the visions and the courage and it’s Princess not Queen.” She snapped.
“Cordy saved my life. She’s brave and she said she helped them,” pointing to Wesley, Gunn and Fred, “ help the helpless- and Angel too. She is a hero.” Crystal shot daggers at Xander.
Fred smiled at the young demon. At that moment, Fred really liked Crystal. She was smart.
Xander stepped back warding off the women’s glares with his hands. “Fine, fine, Cordy’s turned into Wonder Woman… but two heroes, fated, not that I’m big fan but that’s Buffy and Angel’s twisted star cross story, believe me I wish it wasn’t.”
Fred returned her glare to the young man. “You’ve never seen Angel and Cordy spar. Kye-rumption and MORIA. That’s the gut physical attraction between two larger than life souls. Angel and Cordy love each other, it’s destiny.” Fred claimed it utter confidence and belief.
At that moment, Buffy really hated Fred.
Chapter 19
“Lorne,” Angel said into the phone.
“Angelcakes, hello, no luck yet on the info gathering.”
“Have you heard from Cordy?”
“We’ve lost the princess again?”
“I’ll find her. Call if you hear anything. I’ve got Wesley’s phone.”
“Sure, lets try to keep this one in one piece okay, Angelcakes.”
Angel growled.
The vampire tried to think. Xander was right; Cordelia wouldn’t just go wandering out for a sight seeing tour of Sunnydale. Angel couldn’t imagine one place that Cordelia would want to revisit. There wasn’t much that she liked in her hometown. But she was on foot and somewhere with her sword.
Angel started his car. If Cordy had a vision and didn’t tell him or decided to go back to the portals by herself he would kill her.
***********
Cordelia stood outside the house. She could see Lorne through the kitchen window. Cordelia didn’t feel like being x-rayed from the inside out. Her eyes turned upwards to the darkened windows of the second floor. It was a pretty good guess that room with the choo choo train curtains was Connor's. Cordelia just hoped that the window wasn’t locked; she really didn’t want to break it. Cordelia’s body rose in the air.
***********
Angel stalked around the cavern, his eyes narrowing every once in awhile at the sparks of electricity emitting from the swirling black voids, trying to damn them back to their hell dimension with the force of his will. He growled as the swirling voids just crackled in response.
Angel jerked away disgusted. There was no sign of Cordelia. The only positive was the vortexes didn’t look big enough to suck anything in them but air and insects. Angel felt slightly more assured that she hadn’t disappeared into another dimension. But where was she?
***********
Lorne hummed to himself as he waited for someone, anyone to answer the phone. Angel was asking the impossible. His contacts just didn’t like phones.
Lorne hung up. Connor was crying again. Angel had been right. The little cutie pie couldn’t stay asleep. Lorne pushed his body from the chair, preparing another melody for the child. He stopped as the baby monitor spoke words of faith being restored and music that could lighten a sorry soul.
“Mama.”
“Hi, honey.”
Lorne sat back down and picked up the phone.
***********
Angel answered on the first ring.
“Angelcakes, she’s here.”
“Let me talk to her,” Angel growled in relief.
“She’s a tad busy and I don’t want to disturb her.”
“I don’t care.”
“Yes, actually you do, believe me crumbcake you don’t want me to disturb her and the little one definitely doesn’t want me too.”
“She’s with Connor.”
“Mama's with her baby. What’s missing from the picture, daddykins?”
Lorne looked at the phone, listening to the dial tone. Looked like Angel got that one right on the first try.
Chapter 20
“Wow, look at you. You’ve gotten so big.” Cordelia leaned over the crib.
“Mama,” Connor pulled his awkward chubby body up on the rails, his hand waving at Cordelia.
Cordelia caught the little hand bringing it to her lips. “I wish, honey, I wish,” smiling sadly. “Shouldn’t you be a sleep? Not tired? I’m tired. Hey, I can float. Watch.”
Connor giggled as Cordelia raised a few feet in the air. “Cool, uh. Much better than last time. Oh, Connor, I missed you,” putting her feet back on the ground, reaching into the crib to pick the baby up. “Wow, not only big, but heavy.”
Cordelia rubbed her tear stained face against the small child’s head. “What? Was that a yawn? I think it was. Come on, baby, let’s just lie down for a little while for some major baby snuggles. How about that?”
Cordelia curled her body around Connor. The small boy clutched on to Cordelia telling her everything in the secret language of babies, smiling as his eyes fluttered close. “Sleep, baby,” Cordelia yawned and squirmed deeper in the softness of the bed.
***********
Angel said nothing to Lorne as he took the stairs two at a time, pausing only when he got to the door of Connor’s room. He was about to call out for Cordelia but stopped her name choked in his throat. Angel stared. If he tried he could almost imagine that they were back in his suite in the Hyperion before everything went so horribly wrong.
Angel moved quietly not wanting to disturb either one. He couldn’t risk that a wide-awake Cordelia would push him away again. Say things that he didn’t want to hear and wouldn’t believe. This is what Angel would believe in, Connor and Cordelia, together, alive and with him.
The vampire dropped his coat on the chair and lay down next to Cordelia. He tensed as the young woman murmured and moved. Still sleeping, Cordelia scooted towards Angel’s body. Angel relaxed, gently pulling Cordelia and Connor into his embrace. Angel closed his eyes allowing the smells and sounds of the precious lives around him lull him to sleep.
***********
Cordelia stirred, feeling the hard big body behind her. She should get up and leave. She curled in closer pulling Angel’s arm tighter around her. She sighed as she felt his face nuzzle into her neck. Cordelia’s hand fluttered over Connor’s pouchy belly. Cordelia ignored the warnings of her waking brain and went back to sleep finding the peace and contentment that should’ve been only promised by heaven.
***********
Lorne gave a silent prayer that the Powers knew what they were doing. With one last look at the small family on the bed, Lorne closed the door.
Chapter 21
Buffy’s heart fluttered in hopeful beats. Angel’s car was there. That meant the vampire was there. She had been worried when Angel or Cordelia hadn’t returned. She had wanted to slap Fred again, when the young woman had pooh ha’d her concerns, saying that she was sure that Angel had found Cordelia. If Angel hadn’t by now, he would’ve called for help. No, Fred was confident that they were somewhere together talking and stuff. It was the ‘stuff’ part that had put an ache in Buffy’s chest.
But Angel was home, which meant that he hadn’t left her and he wasn’t off doing ‘stuff’ with Cordelia. Buffy ran past Willow and Dawn to get in the house. Maybe, Angel had listened to her and realized that she was right.
Buffy looked around the darkened living room. No vampire, just a demon sleeping on the couch. She ran upstairs, Willow and Dawn followed more slowly.
Angel wasn’t in their bedroom. She turned immediately to Connor’s room. Buffy stumbled back as she saw the sight before her. She couldn’t recognize the beauty of the scene all she saw was her pain and rage. Angel had left her; he just hadn’t left the house.
Buffy’s anger boiled. This was her house Angel was her boyfriend. That was her life that she saw on that small bed. Cordelia had no business being there, not with Angel’s body wrapped protectively around her and the small child.
“GET OUT”
Angel immediately rolled off the bed placing his body in between Cordelia and Connor and whatever threat that had awoken him.
Cordelia jumped up cradling Connor trying to soothe his cries.
“Get out,” Buffy repeated her eyes on Cordelia. “You don’t belong here.”
“Buffy, “ Willow pulled at the slayer.
Cordelia blinked biting down her retort. Buffy was right she didn’t. Cordelia nodded.
“Shh, honey.” Cordelia placed Connor back in his crib. “Shh,”
“GET Out.”
“Buffy,” Angel said moving to block the slayer’s path towards Cordelia and Connor.
Cordelia swung around. “Stop yelling. You’re upsetting Connor with your bellowing. I’ll leave, but not until he stops crying. So shut up.”
Buffy looked at the red-faced teary-eyed little boy. God, she wished the baby would stop crying ‘mama’ and reaching for Cordelia. It was unbearable.
“Buffy, go.” Angel said.
“This is my house.” Her eyes blazed.
“Yes, it is and we will leave as soon as you get out of this room,” Angel pushed the blonde woman, shutting the door with a slam.
Buffy stared. She let Willow and Dawn drag her back into her own bedroom and lead her to the bed. She blinked up at her friend and sister. “Oh god, what did I just do?” Covering her tears with her hands. Willow and Dawn slumped down on either side of Buffy holding the sobbing young woman.
***********
Cordelia leaned up as soon Connor cries had diminished to short little gasps, his tiny fist shoved in his mouth, his bleary wide eyes still fixed on Cordelia. “Honey, it’s okay.” She watched as Angel stuffed Connor’s baby bag.
“Angel, it’s late. Connor’s tired. Stay with him, here. Buffy only wants me gone not you and Connor. Angel,” She said again as the vampire kept packing. “Angel, she’s right- I don’t belong here.”
Angel raised his dark eyes, the silence and intensity of his stare was deafening. “Yes, but neither do Connor and I. So, we’re all going,” finally speaking.
“Angel,” she paused at the knock on the door.
“Angelcakes, Princess.”
Angel jerked open the door throwing the baby bag in Lorne’s arms.
“We’re leaving then?” Lorne readjusted his hold on the bag and took another bag from Angel.
“Yes.”
“Could see that one coming,” Lorne spared a glance for Cordelia. “Princess, careful your soul’s showing.” The demon left the room carrying his burdens to Angel’s car.
Cordelia’s gaze followed the demon out the door only to be dragged back to Angel’s dark eyes.
Cordelia blinked and picked up Connor. “So, where exactly are we supposed to go at this time of night,” refusing to acknowledge Lorne’s parting remark or the silent tears welling up in her hazel eyes.
“Hotel.”
“Fine, but it better have room service.” Cordelia strode past the vampire to follow Lorne.
***********
Lorne softly hummed to Connor, lulling the baby back to sleep. “Spoke to Gunn, they’re camping out at the Magic Shoppe. How about dropping the little one and me there, you kiddies need to have a talk. And then maybe, Princess you can tell all of us what the Powers are really up to.”
“I told you.” Cordelia stared out the window.
“Righto, except the part where your soul isn’t residing in heaven but swirling around in a broken live color show right here on earth.”
“Shut up, Lorne.”
“Nifty new power, but you need to practice more,” ignoring Cordelia’s demand.
Cordelia didn’t even bother to glare; she just curled her body up against the side of the car door. Wishing that she had resisted the impulse to see Connor or at least had listened to the warnings that had gone off when she realized that Angel had joined them in their sleep.
Angel said nothing, but turned down the street that led to the Magic Shoppe. His only thoughts were that he was going to get the truth out of Cordelia if he had to lock her up and keep her there until after the world ended.
Chapter 22
Cordelia stayed in the car while Angel got them a room. So much for room service. Oh, she didn’t care. All she wanted to do was run and hide from the vampire. The only problem was she knew it was too late. Angel hadn’t said a word to her since they left Buffy’s.
Cordelia wished that she could believe it was because the vampire hadn’t understood Lorne’s ‘soul’ statements. Cordelia damned herself for being weak. But, another part was grateful that Angel would force her the truth out of her. Cordelia really wanted his arms around her. It’s the only place that Cordelia truly felt safe.
***********
Cordelia glanced around the dingy room, not really seeing anything. She sat on the bed, her elbow on her knees, studying the ugly dull pattern of the bedspread and waited. She flinched as she heard the door lock. Cordelia half expected to hear the broken old dresser being shoved against the only means of escape.
Cordelia didn’t want angry Angel; she wanted the vampire that had held her and Connor. No, she didn’t want that one either. Cordelia bit her lips looking at the vampire, focusing on the mouth that cut into a straight angry line. Cordelia wanted the one that would kiss her and make love to her.
Cordelia was no longer fearful of a broken babbling champion. Angel was safe from the visions. Crystal was red marked for that fated smackroo. Hell, even if there was a risk, Cordelia might chance it. The heat that was growing in her belly was slowly taking form as slick moisture pooling between her legs. Cordelia squirmed. She didn’t have a clue if the onslaught was due from her finally allowing the acknowledgment of the realization that had hit her like a ton of bricks when Angel first held on to her so desperately or was it just a condemned man's last grasp for a piece of life before the cries ‘dead man walking’ pounded in his brain causing him to go numb, or was it both.
Cordelia didn’t know, all she knew was at that very moment she wanted Angel with a longing she only read about it in bad romance novels. Who knew that desire that ripped at your nerves, boiled your blood and made you dizzy was real. Cordelia sighed. She wasn’t going to get that Angel, not until she experienced angry Angel. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be for long. She wouldn’t fight him, so maybe it wouldn’t be. Cordelia waited for Angel to speak.
“You’re not dead.” Angel had never believed it, but now he had proof. Cordelia had lied.
Cordelia took a deep breath. “No.” she said in a small voice.
Angel stopped the growl that was forming. He had expected Cordelia to try to keep up the pretense.
“Why? Cordelia, look at me. Why, did you lie?”
Cordelia gave a long slow blink up to the vampire. “I though it would be easier.”
“Easier? Easier for who?”
Cordelia looked away. “For me, for you, for everyone.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Maybe.” Cordelia was so damn tired and she wanted him so much. “But, the lie doesn’t change anything, Angel. The Powers didn’t give me a second chance. I’m alive only because I screwed up.”
“What?”
“I was your seer, I was supposed to give my vision to someone before I died. I didn’t. It didn’t seem to matter to them that I didn’t know the rules or that there wasn’t exactly anybody around on Quor-toth to kiss,” she grumbled. “Like I would’ve kissed the demon that was trying to kill Connor. Great seer, it would’ve made. Geez,” rubbing her red eyes.
“You’re my seer, you had a vision.”
“Only to start the end of the world battle. Once done, I’m dead again after I transfer the visions to Crystal. But this time, Skip says I’ll get to go to heaven.”
“You weren’t in heaven? You lied about that too?” Angel turned suddenly. “Why weren’t you in heaven? You didn’t go to hell, you couldn’t have. I knew I should’ve made Willow do the spell.” Angel stood stunned from visions of Cordelia battling the horrors of hell. The Powers couldn’t have sent her there. She was a seer and champion. She was a heart full of goodness and love. They couldn’t have.
“No, Angel you shouldn’t have. And I wasn’t in hell, just limbo. Boring place.” Cordelia wished Angel would stop wearing a hole in the carpet or glaring and just kiss her. But at least he wasn’t growling anymore.
Angel’s renewed pacing stopped. “Tell me exactly what happened from the begining.”
Cordelia was lost in wonderings. What would Angel’s kisses feel like? Would they be different when she wasn’t possessed or completely clueless as to what he really meant to her. Would the knowledge of love make them even better? .
“Tell me.” Angel said again.
Cordelia blinked up bringing her hand down from her lips. What had Angel growled?
“Tell me,” this time even louder.
“I’m talking aren’t I, Geez.” Cordelia said in a building frustration. Cordelia dragged her hands once more across her face and told the vampire everything.
Angel sat on the bed as he listened. He stood up as soon as she stopped.
“You won’t give your visions to anyone and I’m not going back to LA. We’re taking Connor and leaving tonight for anywhere other than the Hellmouth or LA.”
“Angel, end of the world, your mission?” God, Angel was so stubborn.
“The world never ends and fuck my mission. You’re alive and you’re going to stay alive.”
“Angel, the Powers aren’t just going to let me stay alive because we refuse to do what they want. My fate is done- yours isn’t. You need to go back to LA. You need a new seer so your soul can be redeemed. Bigger picture, here, buster.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No. I won’t give you back.”
“You don’t have a choice on that issue, Angel, either do I. Skip says I won’t go to hell but that may change if I turn away from what they want.”
Cordelia saw the rage in the vampire build back up. Something in the room was about to be destroyed and it would take even longer for him to touch her. She had to end this somehow.
“Angel, the Power’s didn’t take me away from you and they’re not keeping me away. I died because I just did. I saw a way to save Connor and I took it. It was worth it, Angel. I don’t regret it and I would do it again.” Cordelia paused, taking an exhausted frustrated breath.
“It’s just now the knowing- knowing that I’m going to die, the knowing that you love me, seeing my family, feeling their love….I had to lie, Angel, I thought keeping everyone away would make it easier. But it hasn’t, it just makes me mad and scared, but mainly just tired,” and incredibly horny she wanted to add. “Angel, I don’t want to die again. I don’t want to leave you and Connor. But, I’m going to have to.”
Cordelia's eyes rose to the pacing vampire, her voice soft. "Please, Angel, I’ve wasted enough time. Don’t you waste more by being angry. We don’t have a future, but we can have now. Just love me, please.”
Angel stopped. The rage or the thoughts on how to prevent all that Cordelia had said didn’t disappear, but they were stalled and pushed aside as he heard her plea. Angel was on the bed in an instant, his arms engulfing the young woman, his lips descending on her face and mouth.
Angel drank at her lips as a man who had been traveling a desert dying, finally stumbling on a life giving spring. Cordelia’s lips attached on Angel’s giving and taking with the same need. Angel moved quickly, his hands raising and pulling her clothes away. He needed to lose his senses in the body under him. Angel leaned up, his eyes caressing every inch of the beautiful woman, slowly his fingers reached out to touch the path that his eyes had made.
Cordelia gasped at the chills that covered her body at his every touch. She pressed his hand closer into the soft flesh of her breast, the other hand reaching up to brush the strong planes of his face, gently tracing the full lips closed in concentration.
“It’s about damn time. Good thing about that pesky soul being bound, uh,” she said softly, jerking as Angel’s wide thumb stroked at the hardened tip of her breast.
Angel leaned further up, his thumb leaving her nipple to begin wide caresses along the length of her body. For a brief insane moment, Angel thought about it. Angelus would never let anyone or anything take this body from him. Angel knew that it was his soul that loved Cordelia beyond thought itself, just as he knew that his demon needed her scent as a mortal needed to breathe. Angelus wouldn’t kill her and the torture, pain and terror would only take as long as…Angel closed his eyes, Cordelia couldn’t be turned she already had her demon. The insane thought fled as quickly as it had come. Angelus wasn’t even a possibility in this lovemaking.
God, Angel wished he could bury himself in Cordelia’s body with joy. But, to do that he would have to be oblivious of everything Cordelia had said. He would have to be able to touch her and see dreams and hope, not the specter of broken dreams and promises. And while, Angel refused to accept that Cordelia’s fate was already decided, he couldn’t forget it. He would do what Cordelia asked and not waste anymore time. Then he would find a solution. Angel would find his hope and then he would have his joy. But for right now, he would just love the woman he needed to live.
Angel’s lips reached for the trail that his hands had left. Angel's mouth moved with an urgency, kissing, tasting, and swallowing. There had to be a way to take Cordelia fully into his body, to keep her there safe with him always. In a frantic push, Angel grabbed at his clothes ripping them away. He had to feel her warm ALIVE flesh up against his.
Cordelia moaned clutching on Angel’s shoulders as he thrust into her, claiming her to her core. Her long legs tightened, her hips jerking closer, her inner walls squeezing, her body doing everything to keep the vampire inside her, bringing him even deeper.
“I love you," whimpering, Cordelia's teeth clamping down on the cool flesh.
Angel growled wanting to cry out at the unfairness of it all. Words that should have brought his dead heart alive did nothing but make him move faster, burrow deeper, clutch tighter in desperate need to make this real and forever.
Cordelia’s nails pierced into the hard muscles that tensed and strained above her. Cordelia wanted to run her hands all over the cool skin but she had to hold on, so her lips did what her hands couldn’t. Her frantic kisses touched everywhere they could reach, her voice leaving moist low gasps along Angel’s chest and neck. Cordelia cried out as her body tensed pushed to the edge.
Angel cupped Cordelia’s ass jamming her hips while he thrust forcefully, pushing her the rest of the way. Angel caught her scream as her inner walls contracted rapidly around him, her body refusing to be alone in its release. Angel growled, this time Cordelia reached up pulling his lips and head back down. Angel tensed, his body shuddering as the warm depths squeezed and released, pumping until he exploded. Angel’s body continued to twitch and jerk as his dead seed filled Cordelia. He could almost imagine the cold lifeless semen coming to life warmed by the heat of Cordelia’s womb.
Their bodies lay tightly intertwined, still connected. Angel’s hands began to move again as the moist tears on Cordelia’s cheek rubbed and burnt his chest.
“Cordy,” Angel had to tell her that everything would be all right. This was forever.
“Shh, Angel,” whispering, her body now rubbing along Angel’s. “Just let me love you.” She leaned up still straddling his body.
“Don’t.” Angel grabbed at her hips refusing to let her break the connection of their bodies. He needed it.
Cordelia sat up further, her hands lightly on his, moving them off her. “I wasn’t planning on it.” Her tears still evident in her hazel eyes but a smile danced on her lips. She brought up his hands kissing each then leaning down taking both to the bed, her lips breezing over his chest, neck and chin, stopping only to take small teasing nicks and bites. Cordelia’s hips moved jerking further into Angel’s groin, her inner muscles claiming his body again.
Sparks teased along Angel as each touch and squeeze pumped life back into his gloved cock. With a groan, he wrapped his hands in her hair pulling Cordelia’s flushed face to his. His mouth swallowed her as his tongue searched to discover every nook and cranny. Angel expanded his fingers trying to grasp as much skin as they could, pressing and kneading along Cordelia’s spine.
Cordelia whimpered arching into his touch, her hips moving now in a rhythm, leading Angel in a slow dance. Angel trailed his hands to the small of her back pressing her closer changing the tempo. Cordelia moved faster, her toes clenched on the bed, her calves and knees scratching along Angel’s hips and side she as rose and fell. With each descent, Cordelia plunged further over Angel, taking him fully into her depths. Angel’s slid his hands around her belly, reveling in the gleam of moisture that covered her firm flesh, staying only for moment before ascending to the heavy full mounds swaying with the rhythm of her movements.
Angel reached up as Cordelia leaned down bringing her breast to his lips.
Cordelia keened as his tongue swirled and lapped at the hard tip of her nipple, she gasped as her hands trailed up his arms to splay against his hard chest. Angel’s lips moved higher resting on the delicate curve under her chin, he jerked and flipped them both. His thrust became deeper finding more purchase in Cordelia’s hidden depths, groans and growls escaping from the cool lips attached to the warm skin.
Cordelia tightened her grip as the spiral in her nerves reached their breaking point. Angel moved his finger to her clit, teasing and pushing with each thrust. Waves of heat and pleasure flowed upward taking Cordelia’s nerves beyond their limits. The pleasure stalled and stretched forcing tears to pool in the corner of her eyes. “Angel,” she whimpered waiting for that final touch that would cause everything to fall crashing down to her toes.
Angel growled giving her what they both needed. His growl became louder forming into a shout of her name as he shuddered collapsing on the soft cushion of Cordelia’s body. Cordelia’s release of breath came out at a strangled cry, her nerves imploding onto themselves. Tears and moist kisses traveled along Angel’s shoulders, chest and neck. Angel jerked to the side, his lips nudging at her until Cordelia raised her head and allowed him to capture her mouth. The kiss was deep, sweet and everything.
“Oh, god I need you, so much” Angel choked into her cheek.
Cordelia lifted the vampire’s head gazing at him with so much love it hurt even more for Angel to see it. “You’ll be okay, I promise.”
“You’re promise is to never leave me, that was your promise.” His choked whisper was coated in anger.
Cordelia held him, shaking her head at the flash of gold in his eyes. “I love you.” She said softly, curling her body up against his.
“That was your promise.” Angel whispered again, holding Cordy even tighter. “You promised.” The anger was gone only leaving naked fear that he might not be able to ever have his dream.
Cordelia held him closer, saying nothing. There was nothing more to say.
Chapter 23
Willow stood at the doorway of Connor’s room. “Buffy, are you okay?”
The pretty blonde turned clear-eyed from the empty crib and rumbled bed. “I have to apologize to him. I shouldn’t have acted like that not in front of the baby. Angel’s mad.”
“Buffy,” Willow took a deep breath. “That’s not why he left.”
“Of course it is."
“Buffy, Angel…”
“Willow, you’re going to say he left because he loves Cordelia.”
“Buffy, you can’t deny how he’s reacted since she’s come back. You can’t deny what you saw,” pointing to the bed. “Buffy, I’m sorry but Angel loves Cordelia.”
Buffy nodded. “That’s what he says but he also said he loves me. Of course, he chose Cordelia; she died to save Connor and just came back from the dead. He's all mixed up- feeling gratitude, shock, and guilt over her death and reappearance- of course, he thinks it's love. And he also probably feels guilty that he was with me. You know, it’s not a fair fight. How do you fight someone that has come back from the dead? Everyone is on their side. But, if Cordelia hadn’t died….“
“Buffy, if she hadn’t died then it’s very doubtful that Angel would’ve left Los Angeles.“
“He would’ve. His soul wasn’t bound until then. Angel couldn’t have come. The timing is the problem…If she had been alive when he did it-he wouldn’t have all these mixed up feelings.”
“Buffy, don‘t do this…”
“No, Willow, I’m right. Anyway, it’s all moot, Cordelia is dead…”
“Buffy.” Willow exclaimed.
“What? It‘s not like I‘m wishing she were dead or anything. She‘s already dead and going back to heaven. It’s a cool place she’ll like it there. Angel will need me then. I just have to apologize, let him know that I still love him and wait.” Buffy pushed past her friend. “Come on, maybe they found something out. The quicker this stupid apocalypse is over, the quicker I can have my life back.”
Willow glanced over to Dawn who had come out of her bedroom.
Dawn watched her sister go down the stairs. “You don’t think that Angel will come back to Buffy when this is all over.”
“I don’t think banking on Cordy’s being dead is a good thing for Buffy to base her happiness on. And what we've been seeing is a lot more than gratitude and guilt." Willow shook her head. “Let’s go.”
***********
Angel’s first thought as he awakened was one of annoyance at the body draped over him. Buffy knew he didn’t like closeness after sex, he may have never actually told her that or the reason, but she knew he would rather leave the bed than endure it- his annoyance was followed quickly by guilt. He couldn’t do this much longer- taking Buffy’s love and using it for comfort. It wasn’t working now, if it ever had and it wasn't fair to her. If Angel wasn’t lying to her in words, he was in thoughts and dreams. The guilt was real, but so was the annoyance and it was stronger, Buffy was interrupting his dream.
But before Angel could move the warmth off him, a third thought followed just as quickly as the other two- that thought was one of surprise that Angel’s body was responding quite actively and happily to the invasion of his space and dreams. His rock hard penis was straining to find an entrance to the warmth as his hands moved slowly along silky flesh.
Angel’s fourth thought which occurred exactly 2 seconds after the first was that he was an idiot as the warm blanket shifted and feathery touches glided on his shaft. His cock jumped into the finger’s touch, it’s brain obviously more alert than his big brain upon waking. Angel breathed in the scent that wasn’t a dream. His mind immediately joined his body in its desire, thoughts of Buffy and guilt completely gone.
“Cordelia Chase, are you trying to take advantage of me?” Angel’s eyes slowly opened into the face that comprised his dreams.
Two very beautiful hazel eyes greeted him. “I have no idea what you are talking about, Angel,” her face the picture of pure wide-eyed innocence as her hand took wicked strokes along the base of his shaft.
“Oh, I think you do,” chuckling, Angel’s finger’s slowing tracing down her skin, marveling at the tingling silk, his broad hand skimmed to her center gratified to find it already hot and moist. “I think you weren’t even going to wait for me.”
“You’re a slow poke, now this little guy does exactly what I want when I want it. Who needs you?” she grinned, her fingers becoming firm as she shifted her hips to embrace the tip of the said little guy.
“Little?” Angel raised his brows as he pushed her hips down fully encasing him.
Cordelia gasped her teeth clenching on her bottom lip. “That may have been a bad choice of word, yes, very bad,” moaning as her hips started to move.
“Slow poke, uh?” He grinned.
“Didn’t like that either?” Her grin wide as her eyes stared through heavy lids.
“You're just full of wrong vocabulary choices this morning, young lady.” He sat up withdrawing, hiding his cringe at the loss and the angry twitching of his cock.
“Angel.” Cordelia whined.
“So, the ‘little’ guy will do whatever you want when you want?” Angel’s brows raised the smirk was firmly in place. Ignoring the fact that if the ‘little’ guy could it would ram a stake in Angel’s chest, leaving the ‘little’ guy to dance merrily through the ashes straight back to Cordelia.
Cordelia leaned up her face a study of contemplation. “Are you daring to challenge my powers of seduction?”
Angel’s face remained passive as he stared at the beautiful body kneeling before him, loving every twinkle in the hazel eyes, the elegant brows raised in disdain and the determination forming on the pouty lips. Cordelia was so real and beautiful, so full of life. It had to be forever. Angel pushed down his fear, not wanting to feel it. He couldn’t.
God, Angel was an idiot. What was he doing all the way over there? His cock screamed the same question as it strained trying to leave Angel’s body to go back where it belonged. Who the fuck was he kidding? Angel lunged taking Cordelia’s body down driving his ‘little’ guy back home.
Cordelia laughed. “Without lifting a finger, I am so IT.” She giggled.
“Shut up and kiss me,” Angel growled.
Cordelia shook her head as Angel moved to seize her lips. “Say it. Come on. Admit it.”
Angel paused, the laughter gone from his eyes- only love showed. “You are so IT, Cordelia Chase,” he said huskily catching her lips.
Chapter 24
Cordelia couldn’t breathe. Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but not by much. She tried to lift up her body, but it was impossible. Cordelia’s upper body was trapped by an unmovable weight. She jerked her head, her eyes settling on the dark head firmly perched under her chin. Her brows rose at the slight slurping sound and the moist pockets left on her skin. Geez. The big badass vampire was worse than his son, dead to the world and sucking on her like she was a giant pacifier.
Cordelia tried to stretch, but the only part of her body that didn't seem to be held down by Angel was her big toe and that wasn't the part that needed to be stretched. She tried to wiggle her hands free, but failed miserably as her actions merely caused the vampire to tighten the steel band across her chest and the one across her legs, tucking her even closer into his body, her hips locked to his.
Damn, Cordelia's nose itched and she had to go to the bathroom. Oh and the breathing thing would be nice, too. Cordelia tried again nudging her hips and pushing at Angel's arms. Okay, that didn't work either. Swear to god, the vampire was trying to fold her up and scrunch her into a human body pillow. She bucked against him again. Damn, the only thing she awakened was the 'little' guy and the innocent sucking was becoming kisses and licks.
"Angel, stop. WAKE UP." Cordelia pushed.
"What? What's wrong?" The vampire jumped, trying to sense any danger.
Cordelia coughed, sitting up. "Nothing, except you were trying to smother me. Human-demon mix that needs to breathe, that’s me.
Angel blinked. "That's it?"
"Yeah” Cordelia shook her head. “And…”
"Oh, Okay." Angel got back in bed grabbing her this time pulling her up over his body, wiggling his back into the mattress and adjusting Cordelia's arms and legs over him, nuzzling back into her neck.
"Angel." Cordelia gritted her teeth. Talk about cuddly care bear with fangs. She didn't get it. He never was like this when Connor was in bed with them. Good thing too, the baby would’ve been smooshed. Sure, sometimes he would get close, their bodies touching and everything. But, Geez, the vampire was trying to crawl into her skin, not allowing for an inch between them. Which, Cordelia had to admit, she had enjoyed up until now. Her bladder was about to burst.
Angel opened a closed eye. "You can breath."
"I'm not your blanket, let me up."
"No." Angel circled his arms around her waist. "Sleep."
Oh no, he didn't. The damn vampire was back asleep or at least part of him was. Damn Mr. happy was doing the happy dance on her stomach.
"Angel, let me up," whacking the vampire’s head.
"Why?" whining.
"Angel, my nose itches, my arm's asleep waiting for the pins and needles to show up and I have to go to the BATHROOM. Let me up, Geez.”
“Oh.” Angel reluctantly released his hold.
“Geez, you need a teddy bear.”
Angel followed the young woman to the bathroom opening the door and going in.
“Angel.” Cordelia looked up. “Does the concept of ‘personal bubble’ no longer have any meaning for you. Get out.” She got up flushing the toilet, grumbling at her reflection in the mirror. “I'd kill for a toothbrush.” She turned. “Angel, you haven’t left.”
“Cordy, you don’t like cuddling with me?”
Cordelia blinked. The vampire actually said ‘cuddling’. Cordelia blinked again, Angel looked like she had just kicked his puppy or stolen the last piece of chocolate cake, if the vampire had a puppy or liked chocolate cake, that is.
Cordelia sighed. “Angel, I love ‘cuddling’ with you, I don’t even mind being squished and molded into your favorite pillow or blanket, hell, I don’t even mind being your pacifier, BUT I had to go to the bathroom. Bathroom, Angel, something that should be done alone…without an audience.”
“Pacifier?”
“Pacifier.” Cordelia repeated pointing to the hickie on her neck.
A slight smile formed on Angel’s face, his fingers brushing the mark. “You taste good.”
Cordelia let out a long drawn out sigh. “You are such a big baby, you know that. She turned back towards the shower.
“What are you doing?”
“Shower”,
“Why?”
“Cleanliness close to godliness, duh.”
“But, why?”
“Because...,” The word drawn out and said slowly. Damn, Cordelia never knew the vampire to be this dense. “That’s what people do when they get up, they go bathroom, take a shower, brush their teeth and put on clean clothes - if their lucky enough to have either,” she added grumbling, “ then, they start their day. Angel, we’re starting our day- you know getting up so we can go help our friends fight the powers of evil and darkness, save the world.”
“Not a day person. Can’t go anywhere.”
“We’ll take the ugly bedspread.”
“We can’t do that, Cordy, that’s stealing AND destruction of property.”
Cordelia blinked. The vampire actually said that ludicrous statement with a straight face. She'd have bought that he was serious too except that the ‘little’ guy was ‘raising the roof’. Cordelia's eyes traveled back up to Angel’s eyes. The brown eyes were no longer glazed with sleep or hurt feelings; they were just burning with a deep very dark want. Okay, Angel was serious.
“Hmmph. Oh, all right,” she grabbed Angel’s hand leading him back to bed. The smile on her face completely ruined the effect of her exasperated tone.
Chapter 25
Buffy's eyes went immediately to the sleeping baby on the couch snuggled in Fred's lap. She hadn't seen Angel's car outside, but if Connor was here than the vampire must be. She glanced around the main room of the Magic Shoppe but she didn't see Angel, her brow wrinkled, she didn't see Cordelia either.
"Where's..."
"Shh." Fred glared up from the couch towards the pretty blonde. "He's finally asleep. Poor baby has been cranky all night." Fred's tone and expression gave no room for doubt on who Fred blamed for Connor's restless night.
"Buffy, come on. Maybe Wesley has found out something." Willow nudged the irritated slayer away from the even more irritated woman on the couch.
With one another look towards the baby, Buffy followed. "I didn't kick Connor and Angel out."
"But you did kick Cordelia out, Buffy and well the result was..." Willow shrugged.
"That's because she's dead. He's just..."
"No, she's not." Fred glared, interrupting hearing Buffy's statements. Fred hadn’t been going to say anything else, even though, she really wanted to know what kind of person kicks a small child out of their house in the middle of the night. And like, Angel would have stayed without Cordelia. Buffy was high if she thought that would’ve happened. But, Fred still didn’t say anything because Willow had pointed out the idiocy of Buffy’s claim. But that last statement, Fred just couldn’t let it stand. It was SO wrong. Fred leaned over settling Connor on the cushions and headed purposely over to the two women.
"Cordy's not dead. Lorne read her soul. She's alive. Angel's going to fix whatever's wrong with her. That's where they are fixing it- together." Fred’s arms were across her chest, her eyes daring Buffy to argue with her.
"Kitten,” Lorne walked up. "Go do the computer whiz stuff, I'll watch the little one."
"Tell her, Lorne, tell her."
"I will," pushing Fred towards Wesley.
"Hmmph." Fred glared once more at Buffy and went to her laptop.
"Lorne?" Buffy turned to the demon.
"The Princess is alive. Her soul is definitely earthbound."
"But, she kept saying..."
Lorne looked sympathetically at the blonde. "Why she lied, I can't say, but Angelcakes will find out. Honey, I told you he loved her. It's the real thing." Lorne sighed at the angry look Buffy flashed him. The young woman was going to have to learn the hard way. Lorne picked up Connor and started humming.
***********
Cordelia leaned up, smiling as Angel tightened the hold on her waist. Angel seemed to finally realize even in his sleep that being a blanket was better for her breathing than a pillow, but he still wouldn’t let her move away from him.
She traced a finger along his face. He was so beautiful. God, she wished this was real. She damn while better be able to keep her memories in heaven. “Angel,” whispering.
“Bathroom, again?” whining.
“No, dork. Time to get up.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.” Angel growled, hugging her tighter.
“Angel, just like we can’t run, we can’t hide here. We have to go.”
Cordelia’s heart broke at the sudden vulnerability revealed in the vampire’s dark eyes as he stared at her. Why did she think that the last smiling hours would last?
Somehow, she had to make sure that Angel would be happy that he would continue on the mission that his soul would be redeemed. Otherwise, what had been the point of her life? Cordelia knew objectively that it wasn’t exactly healthy to intertwine yourself with other person so much that you lose track of where you begin and the other ends.
Cordelia smiled more to herself than to the vampire. It was a little late for her to worry about that one. Angel’s life had been her’s since…Cordelia couldn’t even remember, it just was. Oh well. Angel had been her priority in life, now he would be in death. She would figure it out.
“Angel.”
The vulnerability had disappeared, now all Cordelia saw was anger. She watched sadly as the vampire left her, slamming the bathroom door.
There had to be away to get Angel to realize that he would be okay. Make him see he didn’t really need her anymore. Angel had his own humanity now. He had grown so much in the last few years. Angel didn’t need hers. He just had to believe that and let his family help him. He had moved on. Angel just forgot.
Cordelia scrunched up her face. Angel had moved on. Cordelia leaned back on the bed trying to remember exactly what Skip had said about Buffy and Angel.
Chapter 26
Angel stood in the shower watching the spray of water spatter against the porcelain, not allowing any of the cleansing water to touch him. He couldn’t do it. What had Cordelia said, ‘cleanliness was close to godliness’? Well, he was a vampire not anywhere near godliness. And he didn’t want to be clean. Angel wanted to keep the scent and feel of Cordelia, her lips, her sweat, her every moisture on his body. He couldn’t take the chance that once they washed down the drain, he would ever get them back. Angel jerked at the nozzles getting out of the shower.
Angel stared at the closed door. He couldn’t go out there. Cordelia would be there, her beautiful eyes pleading with him to accept her fate. Her lips forming words of comfort, assurances that he would some how manage without her. Angel growled. The burning of his borrowed blood couldn’t be contained.
Cordelia thought she figured it out. Her nod to herself turned into a wild jerk. She ran from the bed going towards the sound of smashed glass and destruction.
“Angel.” She took the bloodied hand in hers immediately, grabbing for a thin motel towel.
Angel jerked his fist away and strode past her.
Cordelia glanced at the shattered mirror and broken sink. Porcelain, glass and blood littered the floor.
Had it been only a couple hours that Angel had stood before her in this room with the most pathetic manipulative puppy dog expression. Had it been that long since he smiled or laughed. Cordelia at that moment damned herself.
She should’ve never gone to see Connor, never let it get this far. How selfish could she be? Cordelia wasn’t making Angel happy and she wouldn’t be making Connor happy by making believe that she could be his mother. Cordelia glanced back at the signs of the vampire’s rage, she had done this but she would fix it.
Angel was jerking on his pants, the white towel around his fist was now soaked in red.
“I’m sorry.”
Angel ignored her.
“Angel, please. Listen to me. I can fix this. I can. I mean I figured it out.”
That stopped Angel. Was it possible? Could there be hope?
She nodded at Angel’s look. “Really, Angel.”
“How?”
“Angel, I know you love me but well…with the whole dying and coming back thing….you’ve lost perspective.”
“Don’t,” Angel slowly growled. The flash of hope smashed as easily as the mirror. There was no hope. Cordelia was going to try to convince him that everything was going to be okay.
“Angel, listen to me. You’ll be okay.”
Angel stilled completely motionless. “Cordelia, I mean it- don’t.”
Cordelia was oblivious to the signs, so concentrated on her revelation. She nodded quickly. “Angel, you will be, you just need to remember the place you were before I came back. You had moved on…back to Buffy. You got your soul permanent and you came here..to Sunnydale to be with her. I know I said that the Powers don’t want you two to be together, but you know thinking about it they didn’t actually say you couldn’t be together, just that your place was in LA and hers- here. But, Angel, LA and Sunnydale aren’t that far apart. Sure, long distance romances are a pain, but hey, you two love each other. The only reason it couldn’t work before was because of Angelus. Hard to maintain long distance love when there is no lovin’ but that obstacle is gone now. And, who knows, the quicker you get back to the mission, the quicker your soul can be redeemed and then there shouldn’t be any geographically barriers.” Cordleia smiled finally stopping to take a deep breath.
Angel seriously considered killing Cordelia to stop her from even attempting to say anything else. As it was he had to beat down the urge to destroy every thing in the room. Angel knew he couldn’t speak without yelling and shaking the woman until any margin of sense came out of her mouth. Hell, maybe he would just gag her. Angel just watched as the love of his entire being pushed him to the edge of his rage.
“So, you see, it will be okay. This,” she waved towards the bed and motioned to Angel then her, "didn’t happen. I mean it did, but it shouldn’t have….I’m sorry…I was being selfish, but…you can just tell Buffy that we talked about best friend stuff, you know, stuff. Um, she’ll believe…well, she’ll want to anyway. And then just tell her that you love her and when the apocalypse is over you have to go back to LA, but that you two can still see each other. See, that way, you’ll…you can be happy, maybe not as happy as you were living her, but still happy. I know you’ll be sad and broody when I die again, but with Buffy you can move on. You did it before. You love her.”
Angel’s growl vibrated through out the room. Cordelia finally noticed the absolute stillness of the vampire, the fists clenched at his sides ready to strike at any given provocation. She scrunched up her face at Angel’s battle to maintain his human face.
“Why are you getting grry?”
Angel stared at Cordelia forcing his demon down, he still wanted to shake her and gag her, but at least the swift thought of killing was gone.
“How fuckin’ blind can you be?”
“Angel.”
“No, Cordelia, tell me. You lived in the river of denial for how many months? Months of me following you around, stuttering, staring and manipulating you to stay in MY bed – using my own son to get you there, not to mention the years prior where I threatened and killed anything or anybody that hurt you. What? You’re knowledge of my love comes when you’re dead. And you still don’t understand it. This,” Angel waved his hand around mimicking Cordelia’s earlier actions. “Did happen, this has been my fuckin dream every night for over two years, alive or dead, I dreamed of you. And you still don’t get it.”
Cordelia refused to cry. She had to get Angel to accept it, to admit it. “Then stop dreaming, there’s no point to it. I’m going to die. I’m gone. Buffy’s here. And Angel, you can’t deny that you went straight to her when your soul became bound. You left," Cordelia tried to suppress all the bitterness and jealousy that had been shoved down deep when she found out that Buffy and Angel were together, but her emotions were too raw, Angel's denial and anger were bringing it all up to the surface. Fuck it. She wasn’t a saint, " YOU LEFT your mission, your home, your friends to move into HER fuckin’ house. Hell, you love me? Well, you love her, too, always have. And she’s not going to die, or at least not any time soon that we now of, hell, even if she’d does she’ll come back, she always does with no strings. Come on, Angel, admit it, you ran to Buffy, moving on as soon as you got the all clear on the soul thing, loving me or not. ” Cordelia shook her head turning away from the vampire. “I have to admit, I’m a little surprised that you even noticed I came back what with being able to ‘cuddle’ with the blonde love of your life.”
“You’re so stupid.” Angel said softly.
““What?” Cordelia swung around, her eyes flashing.
“My soul’s not bound, Cordy.” Angel said in the same soft tone.
“Yes, it is.” Cordelia narrowed her eyes. “It is. Skip said so, he said that you and Buffy were together, but Angelus wasn’t a problem, that’s what he said.”
“And he was right, but not because my soul was bound.”
“Yeah,” Cordelia scoffed drawing out her exclamation. “Joy, Buffy sex, I was there, who doesn’t know the story of the star crossed lovers and the big bad.”
“Cordy, the curse wasn’t- have sex with Buffy, orgasm, then lose soul. It was forgetting what I was in the love of another, experiencing joy and contentment during the act of that love. It happened with Buffy, because I did love her, she was the first person that I loved, I wanted to get lost in her and I did.”
“I don’t get your point. Nothing’s changed since that homicidal soap opera, except that your soul is bound. Yoowhoo, no danger. You still love her. Why else would you risk being with Buffy? You wouldn’t risk Connor, if Angelus came popping out. No, your soul is permanent.”
“I didn’t risk anything. I came here six months after you died. I couldn’t stay in LA any longer. Connor needed a home and I couldn’t stand to be in the hotel anymore. Everywhere I turned I smelled you, saw you, heard you. I was hurting Connor, I was shutting him in the darkness with me. He needed a home and I couldn’t give him one in LA, my home had disappeared under a pile of dirt in a graveyard. Buffy offered, I accepted for Connor. A month later, I slept with her. I did love her and I thought if I felt her warmth it would stop the dreams. But, it didn’t, the dreams kept coming, soon I resented Buffy, the moments of warmth were interfering with the dreams. I’d thought I wanted them to go away but I didn’t, they were all I had left. I used her, Cordy. I used a woman that I had loved with all my heart just to get rid of a dream that I never really had in the first place and then I resented her for it. Angelus wasn’t an issue because it was only that dream that could give me love, joy and contentment. Just like now, my dream is right in front of me and you won’t give it to me. I see it, taste it, feel it, I’ve clung on to it all night wanting to believe and have joy but you won’t let me. You broke your promise. Tell me how in the fuck Angelus will ever be a risk. Tell me.” All the rage in Angel was gone. The vampire slumped against the dresser sliding to the floor, his head in his hands. “Tell me, Cordy, tell me, how it’s going to be okay.”
Cordelia stood, tears falling freely, her fist clenched to her side. She didn’t know what to do. In the alternate life that the Powers had offered before her demonization, she had seen a broken vampire and she had known want to do. She had kissed him and took back the visions. But, now Cordelia couldn’t take back their life together, she couldn’t make their love go away. It was too late. She had been selfish and this is what happened. She had been unselfish and this is what happened. Finally, Cordelia understood. It didn’t matter what she did. Angel loved her, too damn much. God, Cordelia wished she could live to bask in it. Cordelia smiled, if nothing mattered, then it didn't matter what she did next.
Cordelia knelt down by the vampire. “Angel, I’ll stop telling you everything will be okay, if you promise me that you will fight for your redemption and that for as long as we have you will love me as gentle, as hard, as much as we can for as long we can. Please, we'll just take advantage of whatever piece of our dream we can have. And in that dream, you will smile and laugh, please.”
Angel slowly lifted his eyes, slumping his shoulders again. “I won’t give it up.”
“And you’re 'grry' stubborn enough to find a way.” Cordelia laughed softly. She wasn’t going to try to convince him anymore. She would just have to have faith that when the time came, Angel would do what she asked. Once back in LA fighting for the Powers, their family would help him. He would be okay. Cordelia just wouldn’t press it anymore. It was wasting their time together.
The sadness was still apparent in Angel's eyes, but his lips did quirk a bit upwards.
“Come on,” Cordelia got up. “Shower time. We do have to go.”
“Cordy.”
“Angel, I may have almost drowned in the river of denial but that doesn't mean that I didn’t have fantasies. There was one in paticular in the shower…oh, come on, I just show you.”
“Fantasies of me?”
“No, dork, Lorne.”
“What?”
“You are such a beautiful dense dork.” Cordelia dragged him into the bathroom.
Continue on...