Title: Practice, Practice, Practice
Author : Wren
Posted: 04-13-2001
Rating: R
Email: wrenpk@aol.com
Spoilers: Um, none. Takes place after “ Eternity.” Sometime.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Angel , Cordelia, or other associated characters. Joss can sue if he wants; but why?
Distribution: I now have a place to put this ( Thanks, CV- you are awesome!!)
Feedback: Please. This is just a sillyfic. I can take the criticism.
Note: I needed a little levity after the angst of Out with the Old. You all know I was bothered by the lack of Angel’s lack of knowledge Re: modern medical advances in the episode “ Epiphany.” I rewatched that episode this morning. Then, my twisted little mind thought this up while driving to LA. And then I decided to have a little fun with it. So, this is kind tongue in cheek. And pretty cheesy. So, what do you think?
Cheese alert. Read at your own risk.
Wesley shoved the book in front of Cordelia’s face. The words were there; clearly written in the Watcher’s Guide to Vampire Physiology. Vampyres do not have breath.
“ Look, I don’t care WHAT some stupid, ancient book says,” the seer replied, “ Angel can talk; he can smoke; and he can blow on things. So that means he can breathe.” “Well, yes, technically. But I think this passage means that Angel’s breath doesn’t have any line in it. He cannot give life to someone.” “ Oh, life, schmife! Life has nothing to do with it. He can take air into himself and blow it out. That’s all that is required. And Angel lives and works with humans who are always getting hurt. I mean, Angel learned to cook from a chef he met ; you’d think sometime in his eternal life he’d have met someone who knew and could teach him CPR. And he doesn’t even know when to call 911. He should know some things.
“ Look, all I’m saying is Angel saves people for a living. he needs to know how to save them. I mean, look how often we are hurt. And what if one of us isn’t around? I was in the hospital last year. You were shot. I hated that skanky Darla; but remember when she was human and had a concussion. Angel just brought her and put her on the couch. Like THAT would help. And that thing with Kate. She is practically dead and Angel doesn’t even call 911. He puts her in the shower. I mean, the SHOWER?? Where did he get THAT??? I know he doesn’t WANT to; but he’s going to have to. Is there some kind of “ Basic Human Physiology for Vampires” night class?
Angel listened from his position at the top of the stairs. Today had been wonderful. It had been wonderful because the kareoke demon had read Angel’s soul and determined that Angel really did love Cordy. Feelings he had buried down deep. And Angel had been so relieved to finally be able to admit it to himself. And the kareoke demon had let it slip that Cordy might have similar feelings for him.
Angel cringed as he heard their conversation. Cordy was right. He didn’t know anything about humans, really. He just knew they were more fragile than vampires and could die a lot more easily. His strategy when one of his friends was hurt was to have them “rest.” And taking KAte in the shower was just an impulse that came to him. He had been relieved and surprised when it had worked. But Angel’s human friends got hurt- A Lot. And they might need him to know how to save them.
Angel remembered a few years ago; Buffy had drowned in a puddle at the hands of the Master. Angel had believed her dead and was relieved when Xander had suggested that CPR would help. But Angel didn’t know how to do it. But he hadn’t wanted to admit that to Xander. So he fell back on the old tried and true “ vamps have no breath” excuse. And Xander had been the one to revive Buffy. If Xander wouldn’t have been there; Buffy would have died. Like Wes or Gunn or Kate or, oh, God, even Cordy could ANY day.
************
Three days later
Angel studied the diagrams in the book carefully; trying to remember what he had learned. The night class at the community college was two nights long and the test was tomorrow. He really wanted to learn this so he could save his human friends if they needed him. Also, maybe he could use it to impress Cordy.
He hid the book as she bustled into the room with a smile and a sheet of paper.
“ Angel. I kind of noticed how you don’t really deal well with humans in medical emergencies.” She was trying to be tactful and not hurt his feelings; but the instant dejection in his beautiful brown eyes was so... (Hey, wait a minute., she thought. When had she started noticing how beautiful his eyes are? never mind- back to the point. )
Cordy touched him under the chin and pulled his head up so their eyes met. “ It isn’t really your fault. For most of your existance; you haven’t HAD to deal with the annoying frailities of humans. Now you do. So, I made you a list. When people need to go to the hospital. If something happens to a human and its on the list; call 911 for them to go to a hospital. Um, you do know how to dial 911 on a phone, right? I put it on autodial on the cell .”
Angel sighed. “ Um, Cordelia.” I can punch three numbers on the phone.” He looked down at the list that was now crumpled in his hand. It was even alphabetical.
Allergic reaction, bullet wounds, decapitation, heart attack... and the numbers 911 written in big numbers at the top.
Angel was a bit insulted, but secretly relieved she had given him the list. He folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he smiled as an idea occurred to him.
“ Um, Cordy, will you help me with something?, “ he rushed on before he could think better of it. “ I have been taking this class. We aren’t really supposed to practice on live people, but... well, I need some practice.” Cordy looked up at him. Angel? Taking a class? At Vampire University? He had piqued her curiosity. “ Um, ok, what are you going to practice? What are you learning?”
Angel was embarrassed; but wanted to impress her. And he needed to practice. And he‘d get to touch her.
“ Well, I know I have not been as useful in the medical areas; so I wanted to, um, learn CPR. But the test is tomorrow and I need to practice. In class we practiced on mannequins. Except I just watched. I told the teacher I had a cold.“ Cordy laughed. Maybe Angel wasn’t as clueless as she thought.
We aren’t supposed to practice on live people; so I won’t really do it. Just practice the motions. Cordelia was pleased that he had taken her advice; so she lay down on the couch.
“ Um, ok; so, lemme see... Angel was leaning over her; she smelled his great musky, Angel-smell. She started to giggle as she thought of Angel touching her. He never really touched her all that much. She kinda wanted him to. But this was practice for an important skill. This was serious. She quit giggling.
“ Um, ok. I am supposed to pinch your nose. But that looks like it hurts. So I won’t do that part.” Cordelia said nothing; but she could feel her heart start to race at his nearness. His big brown eyes were getting closer to hers as he leaned over her. He was so sweet and handsome; why hadn’t she noticed that before? He gently opened her mouth and gently touched his lips on hers.
Cordelia wasn’t prepared for the sensations that shot through her when his lips touched hers. He wasn’t doing anything; just touching lips. But Cordelia felt sparks. She gently started to move her lips under his. Angel was startled at the sudden movement of Cordelia’s lips under his and the sensations it caused in him. He felt a little tug from the demon as his lips matched hers.
The two thrashed back and forth; kissing frantically and loudly. After several moments; Cordelia broke away; gasping for air. “ Oh, Angel. If that was your version of mouth-to-mouth; you can practice on me anyday.” She was flushed and her heart was racing in passion. “ Well, there is the other part. I can’t really do it on you because it would hurt you if you didn’t really need it. But I need to find the right hand position.”
He leaned down and put his right hand on her breastbone and his fingers were laying on her right breast. The contact between his fingers and her breast was electric and sent heat radiating up the both of them. Angel immediately jerked his hand back; but Cordy grabbed it and put it back where it had been. Angel was almost in pain at the desire that surfaced when he touched her. “ Um, Angel, she gasped rubbing his hand down her torso; that was great practice,, but, now I think it’s time for a lesson on other parts of human physiology.”
End.