Title: Advice from the Expert
Author: Wren
Rating: PG
Spoilers: every episode of ANGEL, EVER ( and a couple BTVS’s)
Distribution: Stranger Things and Wren’s Tales
Feedback: this is something different for me; so let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: This fic is written tongue-in - cheek . It is not meant to be used as real advice.
Note: This is a bit of a tongue-in-cheek fic written from my obsession with Angel;s cluelessness on Medical stuff.
Angel sat in front of the computer; furiously typing. Occasionally, he looked over his shoulder to make sure Cordy wasn’t watching him. She’d never let him hear the end of this if she found out. But he figured he had to support her- and Connor- and Notre Dame was getting more expensive by the day. So he decided to write an advice manual based on his 250+ years of unlife. Y’know. For other vamps, good demons and creatures to read and follow. And maybe some humans could even benefit from his wisdom. Angel cracked his knuckles in satisfaction and started to type using the “ hunt and peck” method.
“Advice for the Clueless from the Expert- Taking Care of Your Human Friends while Still Remaining Cool"
by Angel
It is best to display as little knowledge of how to care for humans as possible. That way, when something bad happens; no one will expect you to have an intelligent idea. But pick up just a few ideas here and there to keep people guessing and maintain your coolness.I have spent about 4 years now living amongst and interacting with humans and I have gleaned some powerful knowledge of many difficult situations. Here, based on my actual experiences, is some advice on how to do this; in many common human medical situations.
1.) When a girl you are dating drowns in a puddle and dies; avoid having to admit that you are clueless what to do. Make it a coolness issue. Tell her human friend that you “have no breath” so that HE will have to do the CPR; but revel in the knowledge that if you had just taken the stupid class you could do it WAAAYYY better than any human. Let him do it and watch intently so you will remember for next time. Be sure he isn’t actually feeling her up under the premise of saving her. Remember that you look way cooler than he does. Be relieved when it works. Vow that any time you go looking for a missing friend you will take a human with you in case CPR needs done. Never actually read about the correct way to do it because that would affect your coolness and means you might actually HAVE to do it should the situation again arise. And that wouldn’t be cool.
2.) When your sweet secretary/girl Friday mysteriously becomes heavily pregnant overnight; take charge. After all, you want to break the face of anyone who hurt her; and you want to look like you are in control. Luckily, you have been watching Oprah during those long daylight hours; so you know all about a prenatal exam. Of, course, you have no idea what that involves; just that pregnant women need them. When your other co-worker shows you an ultrasound; look at it and pretend you can read it. Buy your pregnant seer a pizza; since pregnant women should NEVER drink blood. It looks gross.
Angel broke his tableau at the typewriter. This book was going to be a best seller!! He licked his lips and listened as Cordy sang a lullaby to Connor upstairs and he continued writing.
Chapter 3: How To Rescue A Human Friend Who IS Committing Suicide
When an acquaintance/friend/sometime ally calls you to tell you that she is giving up and committing suicide; do not pay any attention. Do not send the police or an ambulance to her house. You have cooler things to do. Violently shag your evil ex-girlfriend repetedly during the night ( you stud, you) and wake up during a rainstorm. Have an arguement with your ex-girlfriend and threaten to kill her. Take a long time with this. Suddenly remember that you human friend is ready to commit suicide and snap into superhero mode. Do not send an ambulance or police car there. They can’t get there with lights and sirens any faster than you could in your cool convertible. When you find your friend unconscious on the floor from a drug and alcohol overdose; and by now close to death; take her in the shower. After all, she will want to show up at the coroner’s clean!! Be happy when she revives in the shower that your screwball plan worked. Pretend like you knew all along that it would.
Chapter 4- How To Help Your Seer/Friend when she is being killed by Visions
When your seer is having severe pain fro m visions. do not insist she see a physician. Continue to believe she is ok; even when it is kind of obvious that she isn’t. When she smashes hard into a glass cabinet and goes into a coma on the floor and is unresponsive; decide she is still breathing before you check. Vampires can do cool stuff like that. Pick her up off the floor haphazardly; allowing her head to flop all over and lay her on the couch. Tell your friends that she doesn’t need a hospital- they are for sick people. You can care for Cordy right here. Carry her upstairs and lay her in your bed with all her dirty grubby clothes and shoes still on. Don’t even think about taking her to a hospital since she may need an IV , monitors and other support. It is really just a misconception that people in comas need to be in hospitals; cooked up by those evil insurance companies. And who has money for them; I got a kid to feed. Cordy will come out of it on her own. So what if the CAT scans show her brain is dying and will eventually shut down totally and she will stop breathing etc. If that occurs, see #1 above. She’ll be fine in the bed.
Angel yawned and stretched. It was late at night and Cordy had already gone to bed after blowing him a kiss from the upstairs landing. Angel looked at his manuscript and smiled; before going up to join her. He couldn’t wait till the first check to come in. This book was going to be a best seller!!!!
The End