Title: Doing Right By Letting Go
Author: Nobody's Angel
Posted: 06-17-2003
Email: lilyana_vamp@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: Post Season 4, Angst
Content:
Summary:
Spoilers: Up through Season 4
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: JF anywhere else just ask!
Notes: Okay, this is sad and dark and I'm already being harrassed by Sunscorched. If I get enough inspiration, I might consider a sequel. Just be prepared for it to be sad. No happy endings in this one. This is me dealing with my anger at Angel's cluelessness.
Feedback:
Thanks/Dedication:Angel looked at his employees with an empty expression. He thought they had once been friends, but he wasn’t sure anymore. He wasn’t sure of anything except that he felt dead inside. His heart, a place that had once been filled with a life, with a laughter that resonated throughout his existence, was now cold and dark. It was empty. Empty like the expression he looked at his employees with.
Not one of them remembered. They didn’t remember the boy. The boy had been so lost and angry. It was better for him now. He could be happy. Angel would never be happy again. He’d made his sacrifice. He’d made his bed and now he had to lay in it.
Not one of them remembered the full extent of her role. They didn’t remember the events. Not all of them. They knew she was in a coma. She was gone. Her smile was only a fading memory now. He’d left her there. He knew she’d never come back. He’d turned his back on her. His soul was there, but it was empty. He’d given up on her. He’d made his bed and now he had to lay in it.
Angel stood and walked to the window. He looked out into the sunshine, remembering how she made him feel the sunshine. She was his sunshine. He’d never need anything more as long as she was around. But she wasn’t. He yanked the curtains closed; he didn’t want to see the sunshine. He didn’t deserve to see the sunshine, not without her. He belonged in the dark. He deserved only the dark.
He could hear them talking to him, but he wasn’t listening. He didn’t want to listen. He didn’t care about the Monster of the Week. He cared about his son, the son that would never remember him as his father, the son that was finally happy. He cared about his Seer, the Seer that would never see for him again, the Seer that had made him drown with one look into her eyes, the Seer that he had loved.
He finally pushed past them all, unable to listen to their talk of work. He needed to see her. He needed to be by her side, to touch her and smell her. He needed to hold her in his arms because it was the only thing that made him feel alive. Even though she was barely there, she was the only link he had left to humanity. That was why she’d been kept there for so long now.
He knew if she woke up, it would all be over. She would hate him for letting all of those horrible things happen to her. She’d hate him for not realizing that it wasn’t her in control.
”How could you not know?!”
He sat beside her, holding her frail hand gently and traced the lines of her face. She looked so small and fragile against the starch white pillows, her hair limp and lifeless, her skin dry and brittle. He could hear the rage if she saw the state they had left her in.
”Hello?! Has no one heard of a deep conditioning treatment?! And body wash people!”
He looked at the make-up that had been applied hurriedly and frowned. If she saw the bubble-gum pink lipstick, she’d have been livid.
”You bet your vampire ass!”
He walked to the adjoining bathroom and returned with a wet cloth. He gently began washing the layer of color off of her face. Underneath he found more of the pale, papery flesh to which he applied the make-up she would have approved of. He smiled when he was finished and sat back to admire his work.
”Not bad for a manpire.”
“Cor, I’m sorry for letting all of this happen. Some champion I am.”
"Apologies later. Wake me up now.”
“I’ve been selfish, making you exist like this. It’s not living.”
”Damn straight it’s not.”
“That’s why I’ve made the decision to let you go.”
”’Bout time—huh?!”
“It’s unfair to keep you here. I know now that I need to let you go.”
“No, no letting go!”
“They said that since you’re brain dead, there’s no chance. I have to accept it.”
”Accepting is bad! Rebel! Don’t accept!”
He touched her newly painted lips and kissed her cheek tenderly. He wanted nothing more than to kiss those lips, but the ventilator was in the way. “I wanted you to be beautiful the last time I saw you. Not that you aren’t always beautiful.”
”Don’t babble Angel. And what do you mean last time?!”
“I’m babbling aren’t I? Guess I’m just prolonging the inevitable.”
”What inevitable? Nothing’s inevitable! Go with the evitable!”
“I just want you to know that you’re the one that I love.”
”Did you finally say it?!”
“I should have told you before, when you could hear me, but better late than never, right?”
”No! Better late and awake than never!”
“Cordelia, I hope you’re someplace better. As hard as it is for me to admit, I know you’re not in there anymore.”
”In here! Come on Angel, wake up and smell the…wake ME up so I can smell the hair gel!”
“This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.” His finger rested on the power button of the machine.
”Then don’t do it Angel! Please, there’s more for us! There has to be!”
“I always feared I’d be the one to take your life. I just never imagined it would be like this.”
”No. Please don’t kill me. I’m not done living yet.”
“I hope you forgive me for not protecting you like I told you I would. I know what I have to do. I have to do right by you.”
"Forgiven! Protect me now! You don’t have to do this! You have to wake me up! Do wrong by me dammit! I need to tell you that I love you!”
“Goodbye Cordy. I love you.”
”No…”
He pressed the button down and listened as the hum of the machines ceased, as did the rhythmic beeping. He pulled out the ventilator tube to give her a soft, tender, loving kill before walking out the door and closing it behind him.End.