Title: Everything
Author: Melissa
Posted: 04-15-2002
Email: Mel5432@aol.com
Rating: Pg-13, maybe, for occasional language
Disclaimer: Not mine. Enough said. All hail Joss and David Greenwalt.
Song credits: "Everything," by Lifehouse
Cordelia clung onto the purse she held in her lap for dear life, knuckles white, muscles straining, as she stared out at the passing scenery illuminated by the dissipating California sunset. Barely moving, she simply stared as the sun set and the sky quickly clouded over, a spring storm setting in. Blinking wearily, she didn't really see what was passing in front of her eyes, but she saw faces. Angel. Connor. Wesley. Gunn. Fred. Lorne. Her family, back in L.A., which had evidently fallen apart in her absence, a vacation she had taken to satisfy her own selfish wants and desires.
She let loose a hardly audible sigh, shaking her head slightly. No, it hadn't been selfish. Hell, Angel had practically made her leave. And while for the past two weeks Cordy had conveniently been able to ignore the real reason she knew why Angel had wanted her to leave, it had all come slamming back at her full force. She had started sobbing after she had a vision of the vampire she loved - in some confusing way or another - breaking down crying, in the middle of a deserted street, after his baby (their baby) was taken from him and whisked off by the enemy.
Cordy brushed a piece of hair that had fallen into her eyes, and closed her eyes briefly, willing them to be in L.A. instantly…
"Princess, I'm sorry that our vacation had to be interrupted by your vision. I hope that Angel will be okay. He's a true champion, and I wish for his well-being," Groo broke in suddenly, glancing over at her as he continued to drive.
She smiled weakly. "Thanks, Groo." She paused for a second.
"You're ready to be home?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yeah, I am," she replied quietly. "Groo, these people - they're my family, and when I left? Everything went to little bitty pieces. It made me realize that despite sometimes only being vision-girl, and researching about or fighting ugly demons 'til 4 in the morning, dealing with Angel's absolute dorkiness and Fred's wackiness and Gunn and Wes' stupid arguments-" She broke off, a small smile on her face. "I realized how much I need them, and since the definition of chaos ensued when I left, they obviously can't get by without me."
Groo looked surprised. "They have always needed you. Especially Angel. You're his link to the powers, but you're also his friend. Without you, Cordelia… he'd be nowhere. You make his life have meaning."
Cordy rolled her eyes slightly. "Blah blah blah, link to his humanity, vision girl…" she broke off, realizing, and raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, 'have meaning?'"
Groo looked serious, but smiled a little bit. "He's learned many things from you. How to live, how to have more fun in his life, how to take care of his son and have a true friendship with someone…"
She smiled to herself. "Yeah, I guess so."
He kind of shrugged, smiling slightly, almost sadly. "And most importantly of all, you've taught him how to love."
Oh.
She slowly faced the window again, noticing the scenery to be getting more familiar, and raised her eyebrows slightly - not in surprise at what Groo had said, but in surprise that he'd actually said it. She'd always assumed he was kind of oblivious to her and Angel's bond - the way he was kind of oblivious to a lot of things - but she had forgotten that in matters of the heart, Groo had always been pretty on-target.
"Cordelia-"
"Groo?"
They smiled cautiously, and Groo nodded, indicating that she should speak.
Cordy sighed, reaching over to lay her hand on his for a second, and took a deep breath. "Groo, I had a great time with you on the trip. Really. It was a much-needed vacation, and I definitely can't say that the events taking up the time were lacking in interest, or in any way not fun," she said, smiling shyly. "But my home is in L.A. Permanently, at least for now… if that makes sense at all. And while you're a great guy and everything, and I really like you…"
He nodded, a trace of sadness crossing his features. "Cutting my hair didn't make you like me any more," he finished, echoing her earlier words, giving her hand a slight squeeze before letting go.
She reddened slightly, putting her hand in her lap. "I-"
"No," he broke in. "There's no need for explanation. I told Angel that I could sense your heart was not free." Groo paused for a second, watching the road, and then gave her a sideways glance and a small smile. "I didn't know at the time that he was the one your heart belonged to."
Cordelia's eyes flashed for a second, in pure shock, before she looked away, her hazel orbs quickly filling with salty tears that threatened to spill over any second.
What if he's not okay when I get there, and it's all my fault?
She caught her reflection in the mirror, and was startled to see herself look simultaneously so sad, worried, apprehensive… and relieved.
She turned back to Groo, and smiled. "Thank you," she whispered.
"You're welcome, Princess."
The sky had grown darker through the course of their conversation, almost as a sign that bad things were to occur. Cordy winced, facing the window, and let out a small sigh. She didn't really believe in omens, but a part of her trembled, thinking… wondering if the decision she had just made would come back to haunt her in the form of the inevitable downpour they were about to experience, sort of a symbolic darkening of her future.
They drove in silence for a few more minutes, as the rain began to fall rather quickly, suddenly, and Groo soon pulled to a stop in front of a familiar hotel. He eased the car to a stop, and the pair sat in silence for a few seconds before Cordy slowly opened the door, went around to the back, and retrieved her suitcase.
The Groosalug sat in silence for a minute before he took a deep breath, braced himself for the rain, and got out of the car to join her on the curb.
Cordy took a deep breath as well, brushed her wet hair out of her eyes, and suddenly leaned forward to kiss Groo gently on the cheek. He looked startled, gazing into her eyes, and she smiled back wistfully.
"I'm sorry," she said softly, almost being drowned out by the downpour. "It means a lot that you came all the way from Pylea to see me, but you deserve someone who can give you her heart, with no strings attached, and I can't do that, Groo." She paused, an ironic smile on her face. "My strings kinda belong elsewhere."
He smiled at that, and shook his head. "But Princess, it is you who deserves better. You deserve someone in your own dimension - a true champion and friend, someone who would lay down his life for you… someone who saves you from other dimensions and considers you the mother of his child." At the mention of Connor, Cordelia's eyes welled up, and he nodded, reaching out to touch her cheek, resting it against his palm. "Go find him, and together you'll see everything will be alright."
Cordelia lunged forward, giving him a grateful hug, and then stepped back to pick up her luggage. "Bye, Groo."
He nodded again, and smiled bravely. "Goodbye, Cordelia."
In one swift movement, he went toward the rental car, got in, and drove off, waving a hand in goodbye.
Cordelia stood still, feeling numbness slowly overtaking her like a sickness. She stood there on the curb, watching the taillights disappear, not even bothering to get out of the rain. The dark of the moonless night enfolded her, wrapped itself around her, making her feel very much alone, and wet, and cold, standing out on a barren street all by herself.
She took a deep breath, and slowly turned around, picking up her suitcase, and climbed the steps to the Hyperion.
************
When she tentatively opened the door to the hotel, the last thing she expected to see were Gunn and Fred, making out like there was no tomorrow… or even more, like tomorrow
was this impossible-to-achieve, abstract idea that had never been born.
"Ahem."
"Oh! Cordy!" Fred exclaimed, jumping back in a fluster. Realization then dawned on her, and her mood jumped the scale from ten to one in about 2 seconds, her eyes filling with tears. "Oh. Cordy…" she murmured, and came forward awkwardly, moving to give her a hug.
Cordelia hugged the smaller girl back, feeling the pain in both their bodies combining, trying to be lessened in the simplest gesture of affection, of physical comfort, that the arms of friendship could offer. It wasn't much, but it helped.
Cordy pulled back, and Gunn nodded. "I take it from your expression that you already know what happened."
She nodded. "I had a vision," she replied, somewhat coldly. "Funny how that vision was the first indication I had at all that things weren't exactly going peachy over here."
"We, uh, we tried to call you," Fred offered. "Well, once… before all this started
happening so fast. And then I was gonna try to call you again, but Angel said not to bother you on your vacation."
Cordy nodded. "Right," she said softly.
Gunn frowned. "Where's the Groosalug, anyway?"
"He left," she replied simply. "He knew I had stuff to take care of here. Besides, I think it's kind of over between us."
He nodded. "Sorry."
"It's okay."
The trio was silent for a few seconds, until Cordelia sighed. "How's Wesley doing."
Gunn nodded solemnly. "Fred and I found him on the ground, bleeding, his neck slit open-" Both girls winced, and he shook his head as if trying to rid himself of the image. "Luckily, the hospital was only a minute away, so we found him and got him there in time."
"The doctor said if we'd been ten minutes later, he wouldn't've made it," Fred said quietly, looking down.
Cordy sighed again, smoothing her wet hair back. "And the question I don't want to ask - how's Angel," she said, knowing the answer already.
Gunn shrugged. "Like you'd expect," he responded. "Hasn't come out of his room hardly at all. We put blood outside his door, but he doesn't drink it. Yesterday we made the mistake of knocking on his door, and he yelled for us to 'get the hell away,' so we did that for fear he'd try to stake us instead of-"
"Instead of himself, like he could be doing right now?!" Cordy broke in, suddenly furious. "You guys just left him alone in his room for the past almost 48 hours, when he just lost his son to evil… people-slash-demons?!"
Fred blinked at her sudden outburst. "Cordy, we tried-"
"Well, try harder," she snapped, making Fred shrink back. "Maybe if you two had been a little less absorbed into your lusty fling or whatever, you'd have seen Wesley slowly spiraling into a confused depression where he didn't know what to do. I saw it all in my vision. He read a prophecy that Angel would kill his son - who wouldn't go insane with worry? Couldn't you guys, some of his closest friends, have been able to tell what was going ON with him?" she burst out, eyes flashing.
Fred stood, unwavering, suddenly brave. "We were fighting demons and helping Angel the best we could. Wesley was avoiding us too much for us to know what was going on."
Cordy nodded, sarcastically. "Oh, spending time with Angel, then. I wonder whose lack of observance it was that didn't notice Angel's bloodlust dip into insanity until he started throwing glasses of blood all over the place?"
Gunn's eyes were narrowed and cold. "I don't see you as having the right to say anything, seeing as how you left-"
"I LEFT because Angel told me to! Because I was being too damn self-absorbed in my own stupid lusting fantasy that I couldn't focus on the job here to do," she yelled, furious, shaking her head in disbelief. "And Gunn - I have every right to say something, because Angel and Connor are--" she broke off, unable to go on, tears forming in her eyes, and lowered her voice to the point of sounding eerily calm. "I'm going to see my best friend now, 'cause he's probably depressed to the point of being suicidal, and God knows no one else around here has even really tried to help him."
With a dramatic, angry flourish, Cordelia turned on her heel, and walked quickly up the stairs.
Fred turned to Gunn timidly. "That wasn't too fun."
"Nuh-uh," he replied, eyes lingering on where Cordy had run up the stairs. "You think she's alright up there?"
"If we hear screaming, that's probably a clue that she's not," she replied simply, and Gunn nodded wisely.
Posted by Melissa on 04-15-2002 03:31 PM:
She was angry as hell, and the rhythm of her breathing showed it. Taking deep breaths to alleviate the pit of nervousness in her stomach, and calm her down in general, Cordelia leaned against the wall of the hallway, suddenly exhausted, trying to catch her breath.
She sighed, straightening herself, and slowly walked until she reached Angel's room.
Her eyes filled with tears, yet again, as she thought of him alone in there with no one to talk to - only the walls of his room to share his grief and offer him comfort - as he sat in the darkness, probably not even fully dressed, and his eyes red, vacant, and hollow from what had to have been 3 days of crying and no sleeping.
Timidly, she reached out and knocked on the door.
Silence.
She waited until about 10 seconds had passed, and then she knocked again.
"Go away," she heard a faint voice say gruffly.
"No," she called, her voice coming out hoarse and not sounding very much like her at all.
"Fred, I don't want anything to drink, I said just go away."
Cordelia was silent for a few minutes, and, hand trembling, slowly reached for the doorknob. Finding it unlocked, she turned the knob silently, and stepped into the room.
He was sitting on the edge of bed, facing the door, holding Connor's favorite teddy bear tightly in his hands. His head turned down towards the floor, bending over so he couldn't see the door, Angel was the portrait of despair, and Cordelia's heart broke at the sight of him.
Him having not looked up, Cordy took a deep breath and cleared her throat.
"Fred's downstairs," she said softly, and Angel slowly, almost disbelievingly, raised his head.
Their eyes met, and in his eyes Cordy could see years of pain all coming back to him, leaving him torn, solemn, and desperate for human touch - aching and longing for love, longing for someone to tell him all would be okay. His eyes flashed with shock for a mere instant, shock at seeing her, maybe - or shock that maybe, just maybe, everything would be alright now that she was here with him.
The initial shock faded from his eyes, though, and Cordelia saw the despair sink back in, a slow, heavy despair that seemed to originate from his very soul. He was trembling, Cordy saw, holding the teddy bear as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did. Maybe if he let go of the tangible proof that his son existed, he would simply die on the spot of a broken heart.
Cordy felt her eyes filling with tears as she watched this man she loved just sit there, clearly unable to really formulate words, or form a conscious thought beyond 'my son is gone.' Her heart continued to break, and she took a tentative step further into the room.
"Cordy."
His voice was soft, almost a whisper. In that one word, saying her name, Cordy heard it all - utter despair, loneliness, and confusion, at a loss of what to do - but more importantly, hope. She was his only hope. And in that touch of hope, the way he said her name so carefully, and so gracefully… did she really hear what she thought she heard? The way he was looking at her right now, earnestly, pleading her to fix it all…
find me here
speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
For the first time, Cordelia saw how much he loved her, and the realization of it almost made her fall over. She grasped onto the door handle tightly, suddenly needing it to hold herself up.
She nodded, once she had regained her balance. "Yeah," she replied softly, a kind, slight smile on her face.
He stood up then, painfully, not looking at her, and walked over to Connor's crib. Carefully placing the teddy bear in it, he braced his hands onto the crib as he leaned forward, his eyes staring at the place where a few days before, his son must have laid.
Cordelia remained rooted in place at the doorway, unsure what to do next. Seeing no reason why she shouldn't enter, she silently stepped forward, until she stood next to Angel by the crib.
She just stood there for a moment, looking down into the empty crib, and then turned to glance at Angel. His face was blank and drawn, eyes not really seeing, staring straight down into the crib.
"Angel…" Cordy nearly whispered, and he turned his head sort of in her direction, unable to look at her.
"I'm so sorry…" she let out, voice shaking, eyes tearing up yet again as she faced Angel with concern, willing him to face her.
Cordelia reached her hand out, and gently laid a hand on his left shoulder, the one nearest her, urging him to face her, squeezing the muscle slightly. He finally turned a little bit, and she reached up to stroke the side of his face, gently caressing his jawline.
You are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
I find peace again
To her surprise, he sharply turned away at that, and faced straight forward again. Cordy's eyes flashed with surprise, and she withdrew her hand.
"I can't do this right now," he said in a low voice, not quite looking at her.
She looked puzzled. "I was just trying to-"
"I know," he broke in. "I'm sorry, I just can't - I need to be alone right now."
Cordy started to shake her head. "Angel…" she said, almost warningly.
"Cordelia… please, just - leave me alone," he pleaded tersely, still staring straight ahead.
"No."
"Cordy…"
"I'm not leaving you here like this!" she burst out suddenly. "Angel, you lost your son. Your SON. Connor is GONE, and I am not leaving you hear to deal with it alone, do you hear me? The others may be intimidated by you, so they leave you up here to deal with it all by yourself, but I'm not gonna do that. I know you. I know you're not angry right now. You're not mad at me, you're not mad at Fred and Gunn… you may be mad as hell at Wesley for his betrayal, which was really all a misunderstanding that I'm sure we'll settle later, violence or no violence, but that's beside the point," she broke off, breathing hard.
He didn't move, barely blinked in response to her words. Desperate, she shook her head, willing herself to continue.
"You can't do this," Cordy pleaded more quietly. "We already did the despair-secluding yourself from the world thing, remember? It didn't turn out well. I know you're mad at yourself for letting this happen, but it was NOT your fault. Screw the anger, Angel. Above all else, you're feeling unbearable pain. All of us are. You lost your son, and you're feeling horrible sadness right now, and guilt, and suffering that after your long life you don't deserve to feel any more of, but you do - so much that it's breaking your heart. You can't go on like this, Angel. Please… just talk to me…" she broke off, pleading with him to try, to live, to simply need her.
He was silent for a split second, and then turned his dark eyes on her, staring at her intently, straightening himself up from bending over Connor's crib. "Fine, Cordelia. What do you want me to say?" he asked, his voice low and dangerous. "I was a bad father. I was a bad friend. I didn't notice what was going on with Wesley, I let my SON get taken from me because of it, and I couldn't protect him. The one good thing I've done in this world, and I let it slip away-"
"The one good thing?" Cordy broke in, crying out, standing up to match his level. "What about the hundreds of people you've saved, Angel? Myself included?"
"Cordy, Connor was mine. I somehow created a child, who I loved like I've never loved anything else before. He was my responsibility, Cordelia, and now he's gone and I may never see him again." Choking back a sob, Angel's eyes filled with tears, and he turned around, unable to face her. "Wolfram and Hart's goal in life is to make me suffer. They've tried time and time again, and finally figured out people to associate with to make that happen. And it worked. They know now that the only way to get to me is to go after people I love." He was silent for a minute and then turned back around, gazing at her calm face intently. "Unless you want to be next, I suggest you get out of town. Go back to the Groosalug, go anywhere. You can't be here right now."
Her hazel eyes quickly darkened again. "Angel-"
"Don't you GET it, Cordelia?" he burst out, throwing his arms up angrily, sounding for all the world like he was about to lose control, borderline-being Angelus. "If you stay here, Holtz will find you somehow. He'll find you, and torture you, and probably kill you. He can see things, Cordy - he knows how much you mean to me," he said matter-of-factly, not even bothering to care how she took that statement. "I don't want to make you leave again, but if you don't go soon, somewhere far away where you're safe - you better be sure that I will make you. I'm not letting you get hurt or possibly killed because of my past. This is MY fight."
That was it.
"THIS IS NOT YOUR FIGHT!" Cordelia yelled at the top of her lungs, bordering hysteria. She saw red - red swirls, spinning before her eyes as she felt pure anger - pure, beyond belief, anger and frustration. She whirled around, insanely picking up a small lamp from a table and threw it as hard as she could. It hit the wall with a loud thump and crack, sending shards of ceramic all over the room.
Angel barely blinked at her outburst, and she turned violently to face him, livid. "YOU are the one who doesn't get it, Angel. I am NOT leaving you here. I am NOT giving up on you. You're my best friend and I love you and I am not going to LOSE you to despair and seclusion again. You can't do this alone, Angel! God DAMN it, get that through your head! You mean too much to me to see you suffer and do this alone and go on a psycho-mission by YOURSELF - forget it. It's NOT going to happen. We're a family, remember? All of us - you, me, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Connor, Lorne - but more importantly, you and I. We help each other; we don't go through things alone. Which, by the way, reminds me - why the HELL didn't you call me and tell me what the fuck was going ON over here?!" she finished, breathing hard, face flushed.
His eyes narrowed. "You were on vacation with the almighty Groosalug, remember?"
"Why doesn't anyone remember that you TOLD me to leave?" she retorted, eyes flaring up again. Cordelia rolled her eyes, letting out a groan of frustration. "Angel-"
"I know, Cordy," he broke in, his voice eerily calming, eyes semi-returning to their normal state, facing the crib again. "I know."
She faltered slightly at his change of tone, her eyes losing some of their venom. Savoring the silence for a moment, the pair paused, each thinking their own thoughts.
Finally, Angel sighed, exhausted beyond belief. "I understand that you want to help, and I appreciate it," he began in a low, serious tone. "But I have to do this alone, Cor. It's not something I can afford to-"
Cordelia's eyes widened in utter disbelief. "Did you not just hear anything I said?" she asked incredulously, weary.
"Fine, Cordelia," he spat out. "Stay here. Stay, and be first in line to be killed when Lilah somehow figures out how to get Angelus back," he snapped, stepping forward, inches from her, almost dangerously. "I can't get close to people. I've been fooling myself all along with this 'family' thing. Everytime I start feeling like a normal man, something happens to bring it all down and remind me of who I really am. I can't do that, Cordy. I'd see you and Connor together, and feel so happy, and have to watch myself. I can't allow myself to feel so much, to get close to people. My closeness gets people killed. I'm a vampire, and you don't remember that, Cordelia. You forget all the time, who I really am-"
"I forget who you really ARE?!" Cordy interrupted angrily. "Are you insane? Pardon me for changing the subject, Angel, but you being who you really are is the only reason that until now, I haven't been able to admit to myself that I-" she broke off abruptly, shutting herself up, realizing she may have said too much.
Angel, however, didn't get it. "Admit what, that you only stay here out of sympathy for me? Or for protection?" he asked in a low voice. "You stay here because you think I can protect you from evil, that I could save you if I had to, anytime. Don't rely on me, Cordy. I'm not your hero," he spat out. "I'm not a champion. I can barely get by in this human world, dealing with demons, friends and family, a son, being in love again…" he trailed off, and Cordelia's eyes became as large as hazel saucers. "I put you and everyone around me in danger. One day, they're gonna find you, and hurt you, and it'll be all my fault…" His voice grew weaker, face changing from angry determination to one of worry and quiet, intense sadness.
Cordy drew a sharp intake of breath, pausing. "I…"
As she was silent, unable to speak, she watched in disbelief as his eyes suddenly filled with tears from pure exhaustion, frustration, and emotion. He turned around, taking the single stride he needed to sit down on his bed, and collapsed on it, leaning forward, burying his head in his hands.
Oh, God.
Cordelia didn't move for a minute, and then took a tentative step forward. She walked forward until she joined him on the bed, sitting down carefully next to him, putting a safe distance between them.
It was only a few seconds after she sat gingerly next to him that his body started to shake and tremble. Puzzled at first, Cordy raised an eyebrow, and then realized he was crying… silent, heartwrenching sobs filling his chest, threatening to burst out at any moment.
When he finally let loose, filling the room with sounds of complete anguish and absolute heartbreaking, torturous agony, Cordelia was already there, lifting her arms to pull his weak form to her chest, holding him so tightly she was worried about hurting him.
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity. Cordy was aware that time passed, but she wasn't sure how much - minutes, hours, days. She merely sat there, holding this man - this vampire - who she loved so dearly, desperately trying to ease his pain simply by being there, simply by holding him and letting him know that someone in this world was there for him.
After forever, Angel's sobs gradually slowed down until they stopped. He continued breathing heavily, still in Cordelia's arms, as she stroked his hair gently with her fingers, murmuring incomprehensible whispers of comfort.
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
Angel slowly raised his head, and looked up into her eyes. His normally deep brown eyes had turned red from crying so much, and a look of disbelief flickered across his face as she maintained his gaze, hazel burning into brown, sharing a silent moment.
They remained in their semi-awkward embrace, Cordy tightly holding Angel in her arms - roles reversed for now as the typical comforter in the situation was being comforted instead. He rose up slightly, remaining close to her, but backed away, beginning to shake his head, releasing somewhat from her grip.
"You're still here," he said, little more than a whisper. "I yelled at you, and told you to leave, and you know that I…" he broke off, almost unable to continue. "Why are you still here?" he asked, pleading, on the verge of another breakdown, tears still in his eyes as he desperately tried to hide his shaky voice and how much this was affecting him.
Cordelia smiled slowly, a small smile that spread across her face, lighting up her eyes that were full of innocence, full of slight bewilderment. She shook her head a little before she reached out, stroking his jawline gently. "Where else would I be?"
Angel drew a quick, unnecessary breath, shuddering, and closed his eyes briefly in relief as she continued gently stroking his face. He had her - she was really there - she wasn't leaving…
and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this?
He opened his eyes, and reached up to lay his hand overtop of hers, stilling her motions. Slowly, he brought her hand to his mouth, and kissed it gently before letting go.
She withdrew her now tingling hand, bringing it back to her lap. Angel reached out, gently wiping the tears from her eyes, and she shivered at his touch, his cool hands sending chills down her spine as she stared into his brown eyes.
"They know," he murmured.
Cordelia shook her head slightly. "Who knows what?"
"Wolfram and Hart. They have microphones and cameras here - they've been watching us - they know now, Cordy, they're gonna come after you."
She reached up to his jawline again, caressing it gently. "Shhh…"
"No. You have to leave. They know, they're gonna come here… Cordy, you have to leave, go somewhere… I can't lose you too. You're all I have left… you're all that matters now…" he rambled insanely, as her eyes re-filled with salty tears. "I love you, Cordelia… please leave me and go somewhere safe… if I lose you too, there's no point to my shanshu - I can't - I can't do it without you…"
you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
A lone tear ran down Cordelia's cheek as she gently cupped his chin, willing him to stop rambling insanely, to stop shaking, and look at her. Hazel met brown in a moment that was sparked with anticipation, sparked with a sudden sad, poignant tension, a moment that they'd each remember forever as one of the most defining moments of their lives.
Cordelia looked into his eyes intently for a split second, shaking her head slightly. Much like her weird alternate reality birthday experience, she opened her mouth and murmured, "Angel… it's gonna be okay…"
She leaned forward, tentatively pressing her lips against his in a movement that she felt him slightly flinch at, and then he relaxed, kissing her back, sweetly, gently. She continued cupping his chin, tracing his profile, and he slowly moved his hands up so he was caressing her back, running his hands through her hair, as their lips dueled with bittersweet passion.
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
They broke apart after a few seconds, staring into each other's eyes. Both pairs of eyes held slight shock, and disbelief, and then Cordy relaxed, leaning forward to place another quick kiss on Angel's lips.
She pulled back oh-so-slightly, staying close to him and breathing heavily as their foreheads touched, their hands around each other's necks and backs, locked in a tight embrace, their lips millimeters apart.
Angel withdrew a quick, unnecessary breath. This was real - this was Cordy, and she had just kissed him, for real, and they weren't possessed, it was them. But it was comfort; it didn't mean anything, but oh God - kissing her… kissing his Cordelia…
Barely moving from her position, Cordelia moved her head just a little bit off to one side, barely kissing his cheek, and then her lips were positioned right next to his ear. She opened her mouth, and proceeded to whisper five words that changed Angel's life forever.
"I love you so much."
Angel took a second to contemplate her words, and then kissed the easily accessible patch of her skin, right along her jawline. She whimpered slightly as he traced his lips back up her cheek until they were on her mouth, gently kissing her, hungrily pouring all his passion into her.
After a few seconds, she pulled back, breathing heavily. "Angel…"
"Cordy, I'm sorry, I-"
"Don't apologize," she interrupted, shaking her head dazedly, trying to clear all lusty thoughts from her head. "Don't apologize unless you didn't mean it."
"If you think I didn't mean that, you don't know me at all," Angel said in a low tone, reaching up to stroke her cheek.
They were silent for a few seconds, gazing tentatively into each other's eyes - scared beyond belief at what had just happened, that they had finally crossed that line - but also overjoyed, and wanting nothing else but to be lost in each other, kissing, holding each other like there was no tomorrow.
And for them, maybe there wasn't.
The thought flitted through Cordelia's head, and she shuddered, leaning up to pull Angel into another kiss.
"Your fear about me staying here, and getting hurt?" Cordelia asked quietly. "It goes two ways, Angel. I'm so - horribly afraid of losing you that I cannot leave you here alone to fight this without me or anyone by your side. You can't get rid of me." She paused, leaning in to place another passionate, brief kiss on his lips, her hand placed back on his cheek and jawline. "We're going to find Connor. You have to believe that. I'm not saying it'll be easy - hell, it'll probably be one of the hardest things we've ever done, but I'm gonna to help you. There may be pain, and it may be harder than we'd expect, but that's what happens when two people fall in love… everything gets more complicated."
Angel had to smile, if only briefly. "You're-"
"In love with you?" Cordelia asked, a smile on her lips as well. "Should I answer that with a 'yes,' or just kiss you again?"
He leaned in to kiss her, very lightly, on the lips. "I love you, Cordelia."
She nodded. "I know. I love you too."
The pair wrapped their arms around each other and sat there on the edge of the bed for the longest time, barely moving, simply holding each other as Cordy snuggled up to Angel's shoulder, him gently caressing her hair. After some time had passed, they laid down and fell asleep, holding each other all night long, arms instinctively tightening around each other as they slept peacefully, waiting for tomorrow.
'cause you're all I want
you are all I need
you are everything
everything
End.