Title: Watching
Author: lonely Brit.
Posted: 10-14-2003
Email: zcapw87@ucl.ac.uk
Rating: PG-13
Category: Drama, future AU
Content: C/A, W/L
Summary: Set post-Home. Cordelia watches events unfold.
Spoilers: Season 4
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: If you want, take. Just tell me where.
Notes: Late night drabble. I'm not sure how coherent it is, it was just a thought running through my head that kept me up. Inspired by Impress' challange, although I do deviate quite a bit. Sorry!
Feedback: I will love you for it.
Thanks/Dedication:

---

You know, when it happened, I thought I’d died. Not trying to sound all dramatic or anything, but that’s what it felt like. This horrible wrenching inside, everything rushing away from you. Then nothing.

Of course I figured it out quite quickly. The fact that I opened my eyes kind of put shot to the whole dead idea. Admittedly at the time I didn’t have clue who or where I was, but there you go.

Then all hell broke loose. I don’t remember much of it, not clearly I mean. Just flashes. Memories of emotion. It was like trying to remember a dream, living a dream. Or a nightmare. Sometimes they were they were real but she would push me down again before I realised that I had briefly regained control.

And then it was over. A bit like the visions, the old visions. The kind that fill your head with burning coals and try to melt your skull from the inside out. Only this time it was everywhere. Nasty.

But at least it set me free.

Took me a while to piece myself back together. My mind was all over the place, shattered and trembling.

When I finally sorted myself out, I found myself here. Just watching. Feeling what’s going on, listening in on conversations that I suppose might have been considered private. For a while I did try to talk to them, I really did. Especially Angel. He was the only one who still seemed to be fully himself.

I didn’t understand it. Of course I eventually found out what had happened, in glorious Technicolor. But at the time I’ll admit I was a little confused by seeing my old friends working in Wolfram and Hart. Maybe even a little hurt.

It was during one particularly frustrating session of yelling at my monochromatic vampire that she turned up.

“Ah, I was wondering when you’d find your way here,” she said with a sweet smile. “Nice to see a familiar face.”

“Wish I could say the same.”

Lilah just bowed her head like I’d just paid her some gushing compliment. She was as carefully dressed as always, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d looked at her watch and gone ‘well, must dash, I’m expected in court.’ Except the well-placed scarf around her throat made it clear she wasn’t going anywhere.

If it had been anyone else I might have asked questions. Why are you here? How are you? The usual. If it had been anyone other than Lilah. Frankly I was disappointed she wasn’t frying away somewhere down in the bowels of the earth.

“Angel keeps calling me back up,” she explained when we met up again a few days later. I hadn’t asked but she told me anyway. “It was decided it’s cheaper keeping me at the halfway house rather than pulling me all the way back from down under every time. So here I am.”

“I can see that.”

We hated each other, despised everything that the other stood for. It gave us so much pleasure to bring up painful memories and criticise bad shoes. Neither of us gave a damn what the other thought.

Which is why we told each other everything. Looking back, we may even have begun to bond. Ick.

She explained everything. I think she was hoping I’d go off the deep end. Her eyes were like a cat's, full of light and watchful. Never leaving my face as the whole tale came out.

I just felt sad.

When we went to see Connor, I did begin to feel some twinge of anger as we walked through the pines, the moist, woody scent of the trees surrounding us like smoke.

Then I saw the family.

I saw him.

I think it was only when I saw how happy he was that I realised just what a huge change had taken place. And my heart bled for him. And I hated Jasmine.

She had taken everything from that boy. His father, his family, his hope. She took the most precious gift of human nature and twisted it, dragging him and me through hellfire just so she could live out her dream.

I never went back after that one time. I hope I’ll never need to.

Since then we’ve been chilling out back here, sweet home sweet home.

“Is it me or has Fred just discovered she’s a woman?” I ask one day when Fred again comes to work dressed to kill.

Lilah snorts.

“Like being back in high school,” she sneers, eyeing the skirt with disdain even though it’s only an inch shorter than her own. “Just begging the men to pay attention.”

“And it’s working,” I point out sweetly. “Wasn’t it nice of Wesley to help her with those books?”

She shoots me a poisonous look and I laugh.

My best times are spent with Angel. He is trying so hard to be the big chief of the firm, all with the power suits and hair you could crack a nut on. Just adorable really. Well, except for the killing part. That has got me kind of freaked. I know they were bad guys, but they were human and well…

“Brings a warm glow to the heart, doesn’t it,” says Lilah fondly as he ends another meeting and the trembling employees flee out the door. “I’ve never seen people that intimidated since I announced my promotion.”

“Well you had just decapitated their boss in front of them,” I point out, making it clear that I am not and never will be impressed by her tales of death and carnage.

It’s Wesley who keeps him tied down. The one good thing, other than Connor, that came out of this stupid deal Angel signed. I’m still hurt over his taking Connor, but the past couple of months have given me a lot of perspective. Sometimes I wonder if I would have done the same thing if I’d been in the same situation. When I’m with Angel I know the answer is yes. I think I’d do pretty much anything to keep Mr Black and Brooding safe.

“I don’t get why you still love him,” Lilah says one day, quite bluntly.

We’re sitting on the steps outside, enjoying the midday sun. The people walking through us does dampen the mood a little but we’re used to it.

“You don’t get love full stop,” I snap back, refusing to look at her. “I guess that’s one of the side-effects of being an evil soulless hell-bitch.”

“Please stop, you’re making me blush.”

We soak up the cancer-inducing rays for a few minutes longer before I relent.

“I don’t know either,” I admit. “But that’s life. I do and that’s all there is to it.”

“Never simple, is it?”

There’s something in her tone that makes me turn to look at her. But she’s getting to her feet and moving back inside.

The months continue to go by without much change. I learn some new tricks though, which is plain cool.

It’s like being at the centre of huge cobweb. Sometimes when one of them feels something really strong, there’s this pull inside me. Just a small tug, a news flash. I used to just have to wait for these little calls, but now I just…know. Reach out and it’s an instant window to who I want. I can’t read their minds or anything, that would be weird. I just feel enough to know that they’re okay, which is good since I can’t be in two places at the same time.

Then there’s the teleporting. I used to have to hope Lilah would find it in her cold un-beating heart to let me tag along with her whenever she went on one of her ‘outings.’ Eventually she got so fed up of me bullying her into taking me wherever I wanted that she agreed to teach me how to do it for myself. Beats taking the bus.
I started off keeping an eye on everyone. Fred, Gunn, Lorne, Wesley, Angel.

Then I sort of stopped.

Fred and Lorne took to their new positions like a pair of ducks to water. It’s great seeing them like this, so happy. They refuse to do the evil stuff, and they’re not important enough for that to really be an issue. In the end I just let them get on with their lives. I place my fingers on the invisible threads all the time of course, but I’ve stopped shadowing them like a modern day guardian angel.

Gunn I just couldn’t take anymore. When I reach out for him, it’s not the guy I used to know. Something’s changed inside him, something deep and it creeps me out. I’ve had it with friends changing and me being able to do absolutely nothing about it. Hopefully Angel or someone will figure this out before anything big happens.

So now it’s just me, Angel and Wes. Kind of like the old days.

Except for that grinning harpy that keeps popping up whenever I really don’t want her around. Still, she’s company I guess.

Angel seems to be coping quite well. Well, apart from the whole loneliness and broken-hearted thing. That is still cutting him up inside, and thank goodness Wesley seems to have noticed. He’s always nearby, and while his efforts to get Angel to talk are as successful of his earlier attempts to dress like a human being, I can tell Angel appreciates the concern.

In fact, I was beginning to think things were healing over.

Until Buffy called.

Turns out Sunnydale is no more. The hellmouth is shut forever and Buffy has decided to drop by and say ‘Hi.’

It’s only a few days, but she waltzes in, turns Angel’s world upside-down, and leaves everyone else to pick up the pieces.

“Wow, that girl has really done a number on him,” says Lilah, impressed, as the saviour of the world tosses her hair and walks out into the sun. “Now if I could do that to every man who had the foolish urge to fall in love with me, I might really have had some fun.”

“Shut up, Lilah.”

I hate it. I hate how she just walks back in here and acts as though the rest of us don’t exist. The moment she and Angel are in the room, everyone knows that if they’re there too then they’re intruding.

“You’re just jealous,” Lilah says cattily.

Angel’s sitting behind his desk, hands laid flat on the wood, staring darkly at something only he can see. He’s been doing this a lot since she left.

“I am not jealous,” I snap back. “I’m angry. Every time she comes, she acts like they’ve just broken up and this is the most important, heart-wrenching moment of their lives.”

“Maybe it is. They were in love.”

“If she loved him she wouldn’t act like that. She wouldn’t put him through this.”

I stay with him pretty much 24/7. I like to imagine that he feels something when I’m there, he certainly seems to turn the lights back on if I sit and glare at him for five minutes.

I stay with him so much that I’m as surprised as everyone else when they realise Wesley’s missing.

I suppose the good thing was it snapped Angel out of his post-Buffy depression.

He turns the city upside down looking for him. No one is allowed any sleep for a week. Teams are sent out, the helicopters patrol, every snitch in town is dragged in and interrogated. Not all the interviewees make it out again. They find a few dark art suppliers who admit to selling very illegal things to him over the past few weeks, the closest we get to a break is a bookkeeper who admits that Wesley often came in and browsed through his stock. That’s it.

I want to ask Lilah, but typically she’s never around when I actually want her.

It’s Fred who suggests going to Willow. It’s Angel who agrees and says that he will be going alone.

Like hell he is.

We arrive at Sunnydale later that evening. He goes by air, I just snap my fingers. Well, more like twitch the air aside and step through, but you get the picture.

It really is just a massive crater. I do cry a little. It was my home after all.

Willow and Buffy are waiting in an abandoned barn. There are hundreds of tiny pale gold lights that swarm in the air above us, like the stars decided to come down and play with us for a while. Seems like lamps are just too old-fashioned for Will’s taste these days.

I get there a few minutes before Angel, so I see what’s it’s like before he walks in.

Buffy is sitting with her back against the wall, chatting easily to Willow. About milkshakes.

I blink in disbelief.

She looks completely at ease, laughing and wrinkling her nose in disgust when Will suggests coffee and melon would be a good combo.

It’s the frigging last straw.

I saw Angel earlier. I saw him pulling together every shred of self-will and courage in preparation for this meeting. He looked like he was going to face the end of the world when he left the offices. This was a big deal, this was the deal. This meeting would wipe him out for days.

And she’s talking about milkshakes. She’s laughing. Like this was just another, normal evening patrol.

Of course she changes the moment he walks in.

I don’t think she even realises she’s doing it. The softening of the eyes. The sad tone in the voice. Never holding his gaze for too long, like it hurts.

I think it did once. Hurt that is. No one could deny they were in love. But I finally realised what it is tonight. It’s old love. It’s memories of love. That’s what she had and I’m not going to slam her for it. I can remember that cold buzz that zipped through me when I saw Doyle again, even if only for a few seconds. Everything flaring as it remembers. Still able to take your breath away.

“But it’s not like that anymore!” I cry furiously to her back. “Can’t you see you’ve moved on? It’s just fond memories for you, just something familiar you know you can fall back on.”

She can’t hear me of course.

Willow and Angel are talking. He’s explaining what happened in LA, that he needs to find him, that he’s not asking. His eyes keep flickering to Buffy and every time they do I can see another part of him splinter and bleed.

“Stop doing this to him! Stop making him think you’re still his.”

Because as long as he thinks that how she feels, he’ll never let go. I just know it. He couldn’t bear to leave her alone like that. He’d think it unfair. If she suffers like that then so must he. Bloody stupid heroes.

I want to storm out, stop watching. But I can’t.

He used to visit me you know. Come to my bedside and talk, give me updates. I used to smile because often I knew more than he did. In the end I asked Lilah to stop him.

“Why?” she asked, puzzled. “I’d have thought you’d love having some handsome, broody, dark, vampire with gravity-defying hair pining after you.”

I didn’t give her an answer. She would probably have just made some snide comment like ‘how sweet’ or ‘so considerate.’ I didn’t think I needed to either. I was causing the person I loved pain. Why on earth would I want that to continue? What kind of person wouldn’t want that to stop?

She understood, I think. Anyway, they moved me after she was called back for another little meeting. Angel was livid. I think he would have literally fired several of the unfortunate staff he cornered if Wesley hadn’t intervened. When Lilah next went back, she promised him I was safe. That calmed him a little. He then threatened to have her sent back to hell permanently if she ever let anything happen to me. After that he got sent regular reports from the people looking after the body I’m still hoping I’ll one day reclaim. He used to read them cover to cover. Now he just checks the main summary, smiles, and puts them in their file.

I prefer it that way.

I didn’t realise I’d become ‘lost in my thoughts’ until the barn is suddenly filled with blinding, silvery light.

Willow is standing apart from Buffy and Angel, and…wow.

She reminds me a little of the creatures I used to hang out before it all went so wrong. Full of light and warmth. And so much power it’s quite scary.

Angel and Buffy are shielding their eyes as the light grows. The air starting to crackle and spit like fat on a stove. Starting to shred and tear.

At the same time, something pulls hard on my insides, a bloom of electricity though my veins.

Fred.

I know it’s her. A bubble of sugar and spice that dances along that invisible thread. Pulls at me. Cries for my attention.

The light here is changing now. It’s becoming sickly and thick. I can feel the heat roaring on the other side.

And then I can’t think at all. Cold needles stabbing me through and through. Filling my ears with deafening silence. Insides turning. No sight. No feeling.

Nothing.

And then I wake up.

And I wake up screaming.

I don’t realise it straight away, there’s just the shock of feeling flesh and bone, of sheets and the smell of cotton. The ringing in my ears. The burning ache of my throat…

I stop at once. If anything I feel in serious need of oxygen.

“Well, kudos kid, looks like it worked.”

Lorne. At this moment I think I could write a sonnet on the glorious green of his face, the screamingly loud pink of his shirt, the sheer magnificence of his blue… No. It’s worn off now.

“Cordy!”

I barely get a glimpse of Fred, just a mouthful of hair as she throws her arms around me and hugs me like she’s trying to crack a rib.

“Fred,” I choke, about to lose my balance, “air…need…air…”

She draws back, looks into my face and promptly bursts into tears.

“Fred?”

She shakes her head and tries a rather pathetic smile.

“Hey kitten.” Lorne takes over and pulls me into a more gentle and controlled embrace. “About time you woke up.”

“I have, haven’t I…”

I want to cry as I look over them both, over this cream room I’ve been trapped in, at my hands which feel so soft and look so pale after all these months. But this really isn’t the time.

“I need to speak to Angel,” I say firmly.

They exchange a worried look.

“He’s not here,” Fred says apologetically, her eyes starting to fill again. “Oh God, Cordy. I don’t’ know where to begin. It all went so wrong after you left.”

“I know, Lilah told me everything. When I have the strength, asses will be kicked.” I offer a small smile to show them I’m kidding. Least I think I am.

I pull back the covers, ready to go marching up to the nearest lawyer and threaten them with something sharp and pointy unless they tell me how to get in contact with Angel.

My heart nearly stops as I see the hideous flowers on the nightshirt some sadist seems to have dressed me in. As if things couldn’t get any worse.

“Where are you going?”

They don’t’ seem to understand, fluttering round me, trying to urge me to stay in bed until I get better. I try to point out nicely that I have really had enough of the bed. I have had enough of this room.
And I need to find Angel.

The room tilts and wobbles as I finally get to my feet. Fred starts making worried squeaking noises.

Outside the door are two security guards who nearly die of fright when they see me. They look surprised to see Fred and Lorne too.

Later I must ask those two how they found me.

Turns out that most people still remember me as the Mother. The fact that they now remember Jasmine as a monster might explain why they treat me like a bomb about to go off. I think they’re expecting me to turn them into a slug or something. I don’t even have to ask them nicely and they’re running off to do my bidding.

They can’t find Angel. He’s turned his cell-phone off again.

Fred, and I love her for it, brought some of my old clothes with her when she came to try this new serum she’d patented. The colours weren’t fantastic, but they were mine and I gratefully retreat to the bathroom to change.

It’s odd having a reflection again. Seeing my face the right way round, where left is right and right is left. Lilah kept her promise about looking after me it seems too. The dreaded bed-hair is not actually that bad, barely a few brushes and it falls into place, sleek and shiny like I’ve just come from the hairdresser.

“Cordy!!”

The banging on the door makes me jump.

“Cordy, he’s just come back. Willow just brought them back.”

We leave in such a hurry that I barely even look at my surroundings. It’s only as the car screeches away down the avenue that I think to turn and see where I’ve been sleeping for the past couple of months.

All I see is white brick, large windows and a few staring faces before the view is snatched away. I realise that I really don’t mind that much. I’m not going back there. Ever.

The drive takes forever, at least it feels that way. Occasionally Fred shifts like she’s about to say something. I keep staring at the back of the driver’s head. I keep feeling the heat starting to build as Willow worked her charms. I keep seeing the way he just seemed to crumble every time she looked at him. The way she laughed at the idea of melon and coffee.

We don’t go to the main offices, but to the small private hospital where I used to sleep. My heart sinks as we’re ushered inside and taken up to the top floor. I swear I can feel it freeze when the lift doors open and I see the hive of activity as people in the typical white coats swarm in and out of the ward at the end of the corridor.

Please let him be all right.

The staff part like water when they see me, which is just as well because if anyone got in my way now…

The ward has its lights dimmed, curtains drawn. But I see him straight away.

Angel is towering over someone who I guess is the chief consultant or something.

“I don’t care what it costs,” he snarls, causing the balding man in front of him to shrink back nervously. “It’s your job. Fix him or face the consequences.”

Willow puts her hand on Angel’s arm.

“I already told you,” she says reprovingly, “he’s going to be fine. Just give him a few day…”

He suddenly stiffens, I see the shock go through him and he breaks away from them. He’s calling before he even sees me.

“Cordy.”

The breath goes out of me at his tone. Everything still and running through me with fire. I can’t say anything, just give a faint smile. He only stops long enough to look me though and through, like I’m a book he can read. Eyes more alive than I’ve seen them in months.

I guess I really hadn’t realised just how much I was still in love with him.

Then he kisses me. Just the once, soft like roses, just long enough to know I’m not pulling away, just long enough for me to respond. Just long enough for me to know that we are in serious trouble when we get out of here. Because he loves me too. He doesn’t need to say it although, later, he does. He’ll say it just the once, and he’ll be smiling, and then I’ll ruin it all by bringing up the curse. I’ll also start wondering if maybe there was a reason he fell so easily back into the memories of loving Buffy. Maybe she wasn’t the only one in need of something comforting even if it was old. But of course, I’m not thinking of that now. Neither of us is.

It seems like forever but when we draw apart, it’s only been a few seconds. Which is good, because I didn’t rush here only for Angel.

“Wesley?”

I’ve braced myself for the worst and I feel the tension shattering when Angel merely nods silently. He pulls me fully into the room and I finally see the bed set up behind the door.

Wesley looks like hell. His skin is covered with scratches, bruises and burns. The bones stand out harshly even in this soft light, his face too shadowed and drawn. Even from this distance I can feel the echo of that hellish heat back in the barn still radiating off him.

“What happened?” I ask quietly.

“She did.” He doesn’t bother hiding the disgust in his voice.

Of course, I hadn’t seen her when I first walked in. She’s standing in the shadows, her eyes still cat bright, her poise perfect despite her own battered appearance. When our eyes meet there is a moment when I see something there, then it’s gone and instead she smiles that feline smile.

Angel growls.

“Oh don’t take it so hard,” Lilah drawls softly. “I didn’t ask him to do this. Some people would find it sweet.”

“He is the only reason I’m not sending you back there right now.”

“Ooh,” Lilah fixes me with a conspiratorial grin, “he really doesn’t like people playing with his property, does he?”

I merely arch one eyebrow. If I am shocked that Wesley took himself off down to hell to rescue his evil girlfriend then there is no way I’m letting her know it.

“What exactly did he do?” I ask flatly.

“Other than come down to hell to try and destroy the original contract?” Lilah shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s an idiot in any case. If he’d asked anyone could have told him I wasn’t down there. Still, down he went and…well, I know Angel is rather fond of him so I followed. Didn’t want him wondering round looking for someone who wasn’t there. By the time I found him he’d been there a while, but it seems he’s a good negotiator. Contract revoked, life restored. On the condition we could get back out alive. Which is where your little red-headed genie came in.” She beamed in the direction of Willow who bristled. “Oh, and in case you’re wondering,” Lilah turned her attention back to Angel, “there is no way in hell I am working for you. My contract’s gone. I quit. So does he incidentally, but I’m sure he’ll tell you himself later when he wakes up. Apparently he found a few old memories lying around. Or something like that.”

My blood boils at the smugness in her voice. A small part of me can’t help but applaud.

The coldness coming off Angel is starting to make the people near us shiver. I have a nasty suspicion that if I looked right now, his eyes would be gold and blazing. He starts when I put my hand in his but some of the ice in him melts.

“Let her have her moment,” I suggest wearily, my body starting to twinge and remind me that it has been sleeping for quite a long time. “Does it really matter? Look on the bright side, she’s leaving.”

“Who said anything about leaving.”

I ignore the goad, we both know if she really does go through with this, there’s no way she’ll stick around here to be laughed at.

Angel seems to have noticed my tiredness. His hand is suddenly at my elbow, one arm gently round my waist. I feel like an old woman being walked across the road as he guides me out of the room. Lilah’s gaze prickles on the back of my neck as I leave her and a somewhat awkward problem for the future behind.

“Do you want something to eat?” he asks anxiously, “Coffee? Tea? Doughnut? Bath? Kitten?”

I open my mouth to tell him to quit worrying but…

“Right, sorry, you’re probably tired.”

What?!

“Maybe you should take a rest, a lie-down. How about a nap?”

“?”

He grip on me suddenly tightens and he won’t meet my eye. “I didn’t realise… Fred told me she was following a lead, but I had no idea it was so close. There’ve been so many.”

“I know.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“I know.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“I know.”

We reach the lift and he’s starting to look behind him, back towards the ward. I think part of him wants to go back, throw her out, stop her from trying to break us all apart again. “Things have changed so much since you left, Cordy.”

I squeeze his hand lightly.

“Only some things, Angel, not everything.”

And despite everything, that earns me a smile.

End.