Title: A Moment Lost In Time
Author: LondnRain
Posted: 01-25-2002
Disclaimer's: Don't Own, Don't Sue
Spoiler's: Up to and including Provider, I guess
Feedback: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! You don't know how much feedback makes my day!!
Authors Note: Ok I was sitting in class and well was bored out of my mind (there is only so many times a Comm class can go over the Knowledge Gap Hypothesis without you rolling your eyes...geez...I know it already!!)...anyway...I was thinking of C/A (best thing to do when you are bored) and came up with this idea for a really depressing and angsty fic...I hope...I've never been real good with Angst, so I thought I'd give it a try...tell me how I do!
Inspiration: "Hush" by Angie Stone, a beautiful song and it's what I'm basing this fic on.
Part 1 (of 7)
She got it all
The boys they would crawl
Away from her door
And they come back again
Don't let 'em in
Smoking that gin
Leaving their best foot
Out in the cold
I'm a waste of a momma's boy
It's a shame they say theres so much
You know we'll never enjoy
All the love we've come to destroy
There's a moment lost in time
When she says "hush I'm on your side
It's just the two of us you know that I
You know I'll never say goodbye"
She smiles for me
It don't mean a thing
It don't take away
The way it was before
I'm foolish and grown
I should of known
Hers was a world
Made of just one throne
I'm a waste of a momma's boy
It's a shame they say theres so much
You know we'll never enjoy
All the love we've come to destroy
There's a moment lost in time
When she says "hush I'm on your side
It's just the two of us you know that I---
How many days can you waste it boy
It's a shame they say theres so much
you know he'll never enjoy
All the love we've come to destroy
There's a moment lost in time
When she says "hush I'm on your side
It's just the two of us
Though they might try"
There's a moment lost in time
When she says "hush I'm on your side
It's just the two of us you know that I
You know I'll never say goodbye"
********************************************
"Promise me that you'll always be here. I don't think I can do this without you." She put a finger to his lips silencing him.
"Shh, Angel, I'm here, I'm with you. Good or bad, I'm not gonna leave." She stated firmly
"I know, I just need to be reminded from time to time."
"Well, everyday you look in my eyes, you'll remember this moment and my promise to you." He threw his arms around her, a single tear rolling down his cheek as he crushed her to him. She sighed contently and rested her head on his chest returning the embrace.
*******************************************
Angel shook his head trying to rid himself of that memory. It had been 5 months since she made that promise and already it was broken. It wasn't her fault, as much as he wished he could blame her, he couldn't. It was him. He knew he had driven away his only chance at redemption, the reason for his redemption in the first place. He stared at the wall watching a spider crawl across it. He made no attempt to move to squash the arachnid, he just watched. A light knock came on the door and his eyes moved from the spider to where the noise was coming from.
"Angel, I know you can hear me, vampire hearing and everything. If you want to come down later...Angel, please it's been weeks and you haven't left your room. I'm gonna leave a mug of blood out here incase your thirst-I mean hungry. Angel..." Fred's voice trailed off as he heard a slight sniffle then her soft footprints leave the vicinity. His eyes went back to the spider who had made it's way halfway up the wall now. Angel got up and went to the door retrieving the mug of blood. He looked at the crimson contents and walked back to his bed and into his former position. Again his eyes went back to the little spider trying his hardest to get to the corner of the wall to build his web. Angel watched a moment more before throwing the mug at the wall and watched as the blood dripped down the wall halting the spider's movements, permanently.
********************************************
Fred jumped at the loud crash and got up to go investigate, a hand reached out to stop her.
"Wesley, he could be hurt or in trouble."
"He just needs to be alone."
"For 3 weeks he's been up there, 3 WEEKS! Wesley we have to do something. I've given him enough space."
"Fred, no, he's got to work through this. I know we're all upset right now..."
"Upset, this goes way beyond upset. It's all his fault that she's gone."
"Don't you think he knows that!" He stood up and yelled, then quickly regretted it when he saw a look of fear in Fred's eyes. "I'm sorry." She nodded. "I just think assigning blame, no matter how rightfully so, is not going to solve anything." Fred nodded again sadly as she glanced up the stairs.
*********************************************
"Angel, it's just one date, what's the harm in one date?"
"What do we know about this guy anyway?"
"I appreciate the concern, really, it's sweet and all, but I'm a big girl I can take care of myself."
"What if you get a vision?"
"I'll call, and they are hardly noticeable anymore, so I don't think my date will think I'm a freak and call the nut house or anything." She put in one earring then the other.
"What if..."
"Angel, stop it, ok, I'm going and that's final. I just need one more dose of normalcy incase this part demon thing really starts to manifest itself."
"What if the demon manifests itself in the middle of appetizers?"
"ANGEL! Please, I just need this one night, then I'm all yours." She smiled and kissed him gently on the cheek. "Now will you help me with this necklace?" She pulled the necklace he had given her after his retreat. He smiled knowing that she would have a piece of him with her. He fastened the piece of jewelry around her neck and stared at her in the mirror, wishing that he could see himself in it as well. He wanted to know if they looked like the perfect couple he had dreamed about every night for the past few months.
"You look beautiful."
"I know." She laughed and the doorbell rang.
"Don't stay out too late."
"I won't, I'll be back in time to read Connor a bed time story, promise." She went over to the crib and kissed the baby's forehead then did the same to his father. She walked out of the room and rushed downstairs. Angel watched from the top of the stairs as she greeted her date with a chaste hug and a smile. He envied the guy and vowed if he hurt her in anyway that he would rip out all his vital organs one by one.
********************************************
Angel opened his eyes feeling more alone then ever. He forced her away and now there was no going back. He heard the distant cries of his son and wiped tears away from his eyes at the notion that she wouldn't be around for Connor. He felt guilty that he couldn't be there for his son at that moment. He wondered if he would ever know how to love again. Everything he ever felt seemed to die in him the moment she slammed the door.
Part 2 (of 7)
Angel layed Connor in his crib and hummed softly to the baby who was slowly drifting off to sleep. The baby cooed and then yawned before finally falling asleep.
"So much for reading him a story." He muttered to himself. He smiled down at his sleeping son and quietly crept out of the room and downstairs carrying the baby moniter with him. He sat on the couch and staired at the door waiting for the moment it would be open and she would be safe with him again. He had worried constantly about her and what she and her "date" were doing. Connor had gotten an ear full about just how much he didn't like the idea of her dating. Every hour that passed he grew more and more concerned, why hadn't she at least called to check up on Connor? A few hours later the door finally opened and she smiled as she saw him waiting up for her.
"You know, you didn't have to wait up."
"I wanted to see how your date," he almost choked on the word "date", "went."
"It was fine."
"Did he hurt you? Did he try anything? Cuz I swear I'll kill him."
"That's sweet and all, but no he was a complete gentleman. He was such a nice guy and I'll never see him again."
"Oh, really, why not?" He tried to hide his relief.
"I told you I just needed one night of normalcy before I settle into a life of visions, demons and death."
"So you're in it for the long hall."
"Looks like it." There was a long silence as they just staired at each other.
"Promise me that you'll always be here. I don't think I can do this without you." She put a finger to his lips silencing him.
"Shh, Angel, I'm here, I'm with you. Good or bad, I'm not gonna leave." She stated firmly
"I know, I just need to be reminded from time to time."
"Well, everyday you look in my eyes, you'll remember this moment and my promise to you."
*******************************************
The words echoed in his mind as the night played in his head over and over again like some sick rerun. The memory taunted him and made him feel like he had lost her all over again. He didn't know how to make it stop. He grabbed his head and screamed out in frustration and anguish. How could this of happened, how could a night of utter joy turn into something that made him cringe. He tried to shake the once happy memory from his mind again, but to no avail. It was as if it was laughing at him telling him that he would never know that feeling of completeness ever again. He had destroyed every chance he ever had at love when he had destroyed the most precious thing in the world to him. He heard his son crying again and looked in the direction of the door feeling so helpless. He knew that Connor needed him, but how can you be there for something when you've forgotten how to care, and your not sure if you can ever remember, not without her.
*******************************************
"Shh, Connor it's alright, Auntie Fred is here, you can stop crying, please." Fred bounced the baby up and down in her arms trying to quiet the wailing baby. She looked over at Wesley who was trying to cover his ears as he staired at the pages of a new book he had recieved. "Wesley, I wish Cordy was here, she'd know what to do." Wesley took his hands off his ears, stood up and put a hand on Fred's shouldar.
"Come here, give the baby to me, let me have a go."
"Alright Connor, go to Uncle Wesley." She handed the screaming child to him. He tried everything he could to get the baby to stop crying, but nothing worked.
"Maybe we should put him back in his crib and let him cry himself to sleep."
"He's been crying himself to sleep ever since she left. I think he misses not only Angel, but Cordy as well."
"Yeah, well hopefully he'll have his father back soon."
"You really think he'll come around."
"For all our sakes I hope so, I really hope so."
*******************************************
Angel watched her curled on the bed with Connor next to her. The baby fully awake and gurgling happily. Angel couldn't help but smile at the picture he saw before him. He grabbed a sketching pad and pencil and started to draw what he saw, not wanting to ever forget this moment. He was at peace with himself and everything around him for the first time he could remember. He was almost done with the drawing as she started to stir.
"Stay where you are." He whispered and she complyed, not really sure why she did so.
"Why am I staying where I am?"
"Just a minute longer." He concentrated hard and put the last finishing touches to the sketch. "Now you can move."
"What are you doing?" She smiled at him.
"Drawing the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." He turned the pad around showing it to her. She put a hand to her mouth and tried her best not to cry at the intesity of it all.
"Angel, I don't look like this. I'm a mess, I have no makeup and I'm all bed head right now, but you make me look beautiful."
"That's because you are." He sat down on the bed next to her and lightly carressed her cheek.
"Angel what are we doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"Us, what we are to each other, it's become so complicated."
"How so?"
"I shouldn't feel like I feel."
"And how do you feel?"
"Like I'm right where I'm supposed to be, like I belong, like i'm in love and it's wrong."
"What's so wrong about it?"
"Us, we can't happen, and you know it. I see how you look at me and I know you want what I want, and it's just not possible."
"Oh, you know what I want now?" He felt anger build up inside him.
"More than anyone." She pushed past him and got off the bed not wanting to look at him.
"Then what do I want?" Their eyes locked and she reached for the sketch pad stairing at the picture a second more before turning it back to him.
"This." she stated simply. "I want it too, honest I do, but it comes at too high a price."
"Which is?"
"You. I'm not risking what we have or what you could have."
"I want you."
"I know, but you'll lose everything, your soul, your redemption."
"I don't give a damn about my redemption."
"Don't, don't say that, your redemption is everything!"
"NO IT'S NOT!" Connor started to cry as the voices that he had come to grow dependent on grew louder and more angry. "And I'll prove it." He said in a hushed whisper. She saw a flash of yellow in his eyes and backed away.
*******************************************
Angel paced the room trying despertly to forget what happened next, the moment that he regretted above all else. The moment that sealed his fate forever and ultimately cost him everything.
Part 3 (of 7)
Cordelia sat huddled in her apartment the television light flickered and made her feel more alone. She hadn't moved from that spot in 3 weeks. Dennis was growing increasingly worried with each passing day. He would make her food which she ate in bits and peices only at his insistance. Nobody knew that she was still in town, everyone had just assumed she'd packed and moved on, but for some reason she couldn't leave. She sure as hell couldn't leave Dennis, the ghost would kill her, not literally, she hoped. A glass of water floated her way and she took it and offered a half smile to her invisable roomate as thanks. She knew he knew something was up, but she couldn't tell him what happened, she could barely admit it to herself. It still hadn't sunk in, all she knew is that she left him and she couldn't go back. No matter how many times she wanted to get up and go to him, it wasn't possible, not after what had happened. She knew she should blame him, hate him, but for some reason she couldn't seem to grasp those emotions. She couldn't feel anything, she felt numb inside. It was his fault.
*******************************************
She backed up further until her back hit the wall stopping her from going further. She silently wished one of her powers was to walk through walls, but no such luck. She looked into the cold yellow eyes that only a few moments ago were brown and full of emotion. She was scared, of him, and she didn't know why. She had never been afraid of him, except for when he was Angelus. Maybe that's why she was cowering now as he aproached her, his demenor was not unlike that of his evil side.
"Angel, don't."
"Don't what? You know me so well, what am I going to do, huh?"
"This isn't you, you not him."
"I'm who I am, this is me, I'm part demon, just like you."
"No, your nice and Angel."
"Aw, honey, you know what, maybe you don't know me as well as you thought."
"Angelus?"
"No, not quite, I'm still with soul, for now."
"Then how can you look at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like your him."
"I don't know, you do something to me, make me hungary." His eyes set to her neck and he could hear the soft beat of her pulse signaling warm blood pumping. He swallowed hard and forced himself not to look her in the eyes. If she wouldn't give him what he wanted, he would take it. Before she knew what was going on he was infront of her forcing her on her feet and pinning her hands above her head.
"Fine, you want it rough, huh, go ahead." She spat. He kissed her hard, she moaned into his mouth. When they finally pulled apart her lips were bruised and a little blood tricked out. He licked his lips savoring the taste of her life force.
"Now, you got what you wanted, happy now."
"Not even close, that was just a taste."
"How can you be so cruel and in front of your son, not setting a good example now are we?" She crossed her arms, trying not to let her fear show. Angel's eyes softened as he looked over at his son who had stopped crying, and instead stared at him in fear. Angel cradled the baby to his chest and kissed the baby's head as he put the baby in his crib. She came up behind him placing a comforting hand on his shouldar.
"I'm so sorry, I don't know what got into me."
"I know, it's ok."
"No, it's not, I don't want to hurt you, I swear it."
"Shh, I know." He faced her, her smile warming him again. He crushed her to his chest murmering soft apologies in her ear. She cradled his head and tried to calm him.
*******************************************
Angel layed back down on his bed wiping a tear from his eyes. He wished that night never happened. It was the catalyst that started everything. He knew something was happening to him, an urge he couldn't control and still he didn't stop it, he welcomed it. He embraced the darkness and ended up hurting the person that he cared more about, loved, in this world. The one person who believed in him, trusted him and he let her slip away because of something he should've harbored. It was a taste of blood that woke up his most basic of urges, ones that he thought he burried long ago.
*******************************************
Cordelia's hands traced her lips remembering the pain and pleasure that came from the contact. She remembered how afraid she truly was, but it was nothing compared to what happened later, the one moment that everything in her world shattered around her. The moment when everything that made sense to her were ripped from her. One moment that changed her life forever. She thought that one time would calm his urge and everything would go back to how it was before, but boy was she wrong.
*******************************************
"So what now."
"We could watch TV?"
"Yeah, we could. It's so quiet here without Connor, did Fred say how long she was gonna be with him?"
"Angel, calm down, you are so overprotective. They just went to the park, Connor is probably having so much fun he'll never want to leave."
"I just worry." He looked at her, his eyes settling on her neck the pulsing was louder and louder and rang in his ears. He tried to quell the demon threatening to come out. With Connor gone, he had nothing to remind him that his thoughts were wrong, nothing to pull him back to reality. He shouldn't want what he wanted. She looked at him with trusting and adoring eyes, he felt sick to his stomach if only she knew what was going on in his twisted head. She rolled over unconciously giving him a better look at the neck that seemed to taunt him. He knew he shouldn't, but one taste wouldn't hurt. One more taste and then everything would be ok, the craving would be gone. Just one sip of the sweetest blood he had ever tasted.
"Angel, whatch thinking." She gently stroked his face and he jerked his head away from her touch and leaped off the bed putting as much distance from her as possible.
"Cordy I think you should leave."
"Angel? What is it, what's wrong, you don't look to good." He paced back in forth running his hands through his hair trying hard not lunge at her and satisfy his craving.
"Cordy, go, or...too late." His eyes glowed yellow and he slipped into vamp face. She rushed to the door, but he cornered her. He absorbed her fear, it was intoxicating as he let his fangs dip into her. A light gasp escaped her lips as she tried to scream. Angel closed his eyes savoring the succulent warm nector that seemed to flow from her body down his throat.
*******************************************
Angel ran to the nearest trashcan as he retched into it trying to purge himself of the memory of what he had done.
Part 4 (of 7)
Everything seemed to disappear as he slowly drained as much of her as he could. All that mattered was the hunger
"Angel" the weak gasp was a last attempt to get him to realize what he was doing.
The voice took a moment to register through the trance like state he felt he was in. Relization of what was happening passed over him as he pushed her away. A gutteral growl emitted from his throat. He was ashamed, angry at himself, but a part of him wanted to still go to her and finish what he had started. He turned around to face her, in his human guise, his eyes sincerely apologetic. She tried to look at him, but could only see the monster he was a few moments ago. She touched her neck and a few drops of blood coated her finger tips as a reminder. Her knuckles were turning white at the forcefull grip on the doorknob, her only reason for staying upright. She was angry, weak and nautious from the blood loss.
"I'm sorry" He finally spoke breaking the tense silence
"No, I can't do this, I can't look at you and see my best friend, the man that saved me countless times, now in his place is an animal who let his thirst for blood consume him."
"Cordy, I don't know what came over me, but I can control it, I swear. I just...I can't stand to see you afraid of me."
"Well you should've thought of that before you went all Dracula on me. Geez, Angel, you could've killed me, you almost did, does that even register?" Her voice broke and so did his heart as he heard her words and saw her body tremble, tears streaming from her eyes. "You have no idea how much I dispise and can't stand to look at you."
"Cordy, I'm..." he advanced closer to her, but she held up a hand to stop him.
"Come near me again and I swear I'll stake you." SHe turned the knob and ran out slamming the door hard as she left. Angel blinked at the closed door trying despertly to wake up from this obvious nightmare. Silence echoed in the now seemingly empty room, until Connor started crying. Angel turned to his son, writhing and screaming on the bed. He blinked again trying to remember what he was supposed to do. He felt lost and helpless. The baby's crys floated to the back of his mind where he could easily forget about them. He slid down on the floor and layed his head on the side of the bed curling his knees up to his chest stairing at the door, willing it to open and his life to enter again.
*******************************************
Fred placed Connor in the crib, now located in the office of the Hyperion. He had finally tired himself out as well as the rest of the AI gang. Fred slumped down on the couch and put her heand over her eyes in pure exhaustion.
"I didn't know it was possible for something so little to have such...such stamina." Wesley said as he sat next to her.
"How did Angel and Cordy do it?"
"I don't suppose they had to deal with this much crying. I do fear that the reason for Connor's constant fussing is because the two most pivitol figures in his short life have been absent for some time."
"English, do you always have to complicate things? Just say the little guy misses Angel and Cordy." Gunn came out of the kitchen and handed Fred and Wesley each a soft drink.
"I thought that was what I said." He looked at Fred for conformation, she just shrugged.
"I'm way too tired to think." The shrill sound of the phone ringing could be heard through the hotel. The 3 of the remaining AI team groaned as they all looked at each other wondering whose turn it was to get it. Fred finally wearily got up and answered the phone.
"Angel Investigations, we...we...we do something." The exhaustion catching up with her.
"Fred? Is...is that you?"
"Cordy, oh my god, guys it's Cordy." Fred perked up and the other two men rushed up and gathered around Fred trying to hear what was being said.
"Ask her when she's coming back." Gunn told Fred eagerly. Fred waved her hand telling him to shush and continued the conversation.
"We miss you, Cordy."
"I miss you guys too."
"So you're coming back right, you have to."
"I don't know if I can."
"Of course you can, this place isn't the same with out you."
"Too quiet?" She tried to laugh, but all that came out was a half snicker.
"Not quite, Connor keeps us pretty active."
"Connor? How is he?" Her voice softened severely as she remembered the sweet baby face that always looked up at her so adoringly, lovingly.
"He's got a great set of lungs, he rarely stops crying since, well since you left."
"So what is this guilt trip Cordy till she comes back."
"No, not at all, just stating facts is all. Where are you anyway?"
"At my apartment."
"I thought for sure you would've left town."
"I tried, Dennis wouldn't let me."
"So you've been all alone in your apartment for 3 weeks?"
"Not alone per se, Dennis is great company. He gets me all the tissues and chocolate a girl could want. Fred, actually there is a reason I called, besides to check up on you guys."
"What is it?"
"Vision, I guess the Powers don't realize that the tie between seer and warrior, if you can even call him that, has been severely severed."
"So you want us to rely messages to Angel?"
"I guess, I just get them, it's up to you guys to decide how to handle them. Anyway, there's a couple down near the peir about to get devored by a two-headed snake looking thing. You have a few hours."
"Thanks, I'll tell Wesley. Is that it?"
"Yeah, I guess it is."
"Cordy, we miss and love you."
"I miss and love you guys too, send Wes and Gunn my love and give Connor a kiss for me."
"I will, thanks for calling, please don't think you can't talk to us."
"I know, I'll keep in touch I promise."
"You better, bye Cordy."
"Bye..." Fred was about to hang up the phone. "Wait Fred."
"What?" She quickly put the receiver back to her ear.
"How is he?"
"Not good."
"I keep telling myself that I shouldn't care, but I can't not ya know? I keep thinking about him and how he's holding up and I shouldn't. I have never in my life seen him like that, so cold, cruel, Angelus like, but different. I guess, cuz I knew he was still Angel and that made it worse. Am I making any sense?"
"It'll be ok, you are not wrong for still caring about him. He has been a constant in your life for just shy of 3 years now, it would be wrong if you didn't still care. He hasn't left his room in 3 weeks."
"But what about Connor?"
"Hasn't seen him till after you left. He told me to take him and his stuff out of the room. He wanted to be alone. Connor crys all the time now, like I said. He crys himself to sleep everynight and only sleeps a few hours. He misses you two terribly."
"I miss, Connor, too."
"Then come over, Angel won't come out of his room, I promise, just too see Connor and us, Please!"
"I don't know."
"At least say you'll think about it."
"I'll think about it. Ok i'm really gonna hang up now. Bye Fred."
"Bye Cordy, again." She laughed. There was a click on the other end of the line and Fred hung up her end.
*******************************************
Angel sat with the receiver still to his ear hoping to hear her voice again. The phone had rang and he on instinct picked it up, he was about to speak when he heard Fred answer and that the voice belonged to Cordy. She sounded defeated and sad, which broke Angel's heart all over again. He laid the phone back on the cradle and closed his eyes and took comfort that she still cared. For the first time in 3 weeks he felt a glimmer of hope.
Part 5 (of 7)
A few days had passed since her phone call to Fred and he was beginning to give up any hope of hearing from her again. Time passed slowly as days and weeks blended together and with each passing moment the more his dispare would grow. The only thing that let him go on was the small sliver of hope that she would come back to him. He would hold on to it until the time came when he would completely give up and allow Angelus to emerge or find the courage to stake himself. But until then he just waited, listened and brooded. Everything around him seemed so insignifagant without her. When she was with him she made everything brighter somehow and now he looked around the room to see just darkness. He wanted his light back.
*******************************************
Fred sat at the computer trying to upload some new stuff to the website when Connor started his bawling all over again.
"Well it was good why it lasted." she sighed. She got up and went over to the screaming baby and picked him up. "Come on Connor, you want to stop crying I know it. Please for Auntie Fred. Connor..." She put the baby up to her shouldar and rubbed his back soothingly, but nothing would work.
"Can I try?" Fred looked up at the fimiliar voice.
"You're here, that's great."
"Just for a short visit, I had to see my Connor."
"Please, take him, maybe you'll have better luck with him." Fred handed the wailing child over to Cordelia who took him with open arms. The second Connor was in her arms he stopped crying and made happy gurgling noises.
"Hey there little guy, did you miss me." Connor smiled and gurgled in response. "I missed you, yes I did." She kissed his forehead. "Fred, um..."
"He's upstairs, he hasn't come down since you left."
"Ok then." She sat down on the couch cradling the baby closer to her chest.
"You wanna know what I think."
"If you say what I think you are going to say, then save it, I don't wanna know."
"Well you should, I hate to see both of you in so much pain."
"Fred, ok so I said I still care a little about him, but that doesn't change what he did."
"I'm not condoning what he did, I think he was in the wrong..."
"Totally."
"But he's blaming himself enough for all of us don't you think he's suffered enough?"
"Fred?! I can't, he...I...I just can't."
"It won't go away until you at least talk to him, what's the harm in talking."
"Hello, see neck and two holes, blood loss galore. He almost killed me Fred, how can I forgive and forget."
"Fine, don't talk it out and you both can be misarable until one of you really goes off the deep end."
"Fred?"
"I'm done trying to help clean up ya'lls messes, I have a life too ya know? And all I've been doing is taking care of Angel and Connor and I'm tired, how did you do it?"
"It was natural, I didn't think about it. Besides, I loved taking care of Connor and helping Angel, but I can't go back to that, everythings changed."
"Things change, but that doesn't mean they can't change again. At least try, don't you miss how things used to be?"
"More than anything."
"Then go to him, and work this out." Cordelia looked down at Connor and smiled, she really did miss seeing that sweet baby face every day, he really did look a lot like his father. Maybe that's why she loved him so much. Cordelia looked up tears in her eyes at Fred.
"I'm scared." she choked out.
"I know, but even hero's get scared, they just have to face their fears." Cordelia nodded. "Besides, I'm right here, if you need back up just yell and I'll be there with a hurling axe and a cross." Cordelia laughed through her tears at that image.
"You are a great friend you know that." Fred looked down shyly. "Take Connor."
"Sure." Cordelia kissed his forehead one more time before handing the child to Fred and headed up the stairs. As soon as Connor felt Cordelia's presence gone he went back to his earlier fit. Fred let out an exasperated sigh.
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Angel sat on the bed, he smelled her so vividly and could even hear her voice. It was so real, but impossable, she wouldn't set foot back here, not with him so close. He wiped at his eyes, a fresh set of tears forming. A knock came at his door, he wished Fred would leave him alone. The knock came again louder and more insistant. There was something off, that wasn't Fred's scent.
"Angel, please open up, I think we need to talk." It was her, he could of sworn he felt his unbeating heart leap. He rushed to the door and swung it open. He blinked as he saw her and stared at her in awe, if it was possible she had grown even more beautiful over there time apart. He tried not to get his hopes up, but seeing her there and wanting to talk was a good sign, he hoped. He stood aside and allowed her to enter the room. He cringed when he got a glimpse of the bandage on her neck and then again when he saw the pain and fear reflected in her eyes as she turned to face him again.
Part 6 (of 7)
"Cordy?" His voice was hoarse from lack of use.
"Angel." She stated matter of factly.
"I'm surprised your here."
"Trust me not nearly as surprised as I am."
"But..."
"It was Fred's idea, she suggested I come up here and I think she might be right. I need this. I just don't want to feel like this anymore."
"Like what?"
"Lost, scared to death, like I lost my best friend."
"You didn't lose me."
"Yes, yes I did, a part of you anyway. A part that I'm not sure if I ever can get back, I'm not even sure if I want it back."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't, don't say you're sorry, it won't fix anything."
"What do you want from me? Tell me and I'll do it, I just hate not having you in my life."
"Well, you should've thought about that before."
"I know and I wish I could take it back, you know I would if I could."
"Yeah, but you can't. It happened and you can't change that. Do you even know how much you hurt me." He looked at her neck and then turned away. "I don't mean physically, although that did hurt, you took away from me the most precious thing in my life, my best friend and my trust in him."
"You can trust me."
"No I can't! Don't you get that?"
"It won't happen again."
"How can you be sure?"
"'Cause I won't let it."
"Like you were so good at controling it before? God, I wish you had turned into Angelus at least than you'd have an excuse at least then it would be justifiable."
"And why is that? Why can you excuse Angelus and not me?"
"Because you two aren't the same at least that's what I thought."
"Well you thought wrong."
"What?"
"Angelus is inside me all the time, he is me, you just always chose to ignore that."
"So you're blaming me?"
"No, that's not what I'm saying at all, I'm just saying you don't understand. You think you do, but you don't."
"Then make me understand, that's what I want, to understand."
"You don't know how the hunger is, how it pounds inside you and doesn't let you rest. You think pig's blood quenches that hunger? Not even close. I crave it somedays are worse than others, but I can usuallly control those urges."
"That's because you have a soul and that's the reason it makes it all the more harder to forgive, Angelus is souless."
"Just because I have a soul doesn't stop me from killing, it just makes me feel guilty afterwords. I'm a vampire, Cordelia, my first instinct has always been to kill and drain life, I just choose not to act on it. I guess it's only so long until those desires and that instinct builds to the breaking point."
"So what are you telling me?"
"I can control it, at least until it starts to control me."
"I don't understand."
"You can't, it's something I have to deal with. Another one of the perks of the pesky little curse. I have to live with the consequences of my actions."
"Why me, why did you bite me?"
"I wish I could tell you." He looked apologetic as if he was hiding something that he knew something she didn't.
"Tell me, I can handle it."
"I'm not sure you can."
"Try me. If there is a chance of us regaining our friendship than we have to be honest and figure out what happend that night. I have to know."
"Fine, you asked for it. There is something else besides my vampire tendencies that I've been pushing down. I've kept my true feelings buried deep inside along with the instict to kill and I think somehow they meshed."
"What kinda feelings?"
"Somewhere in our turbulent relationship, I fell in love with you. I knew that it never could happen, so I just kept those feelings hidden."
"So you bit me because you love me? That's twisted."
"I told you you wouldn't like it, you wouldn't understand."
"Oh I understand alright, you are a sick sick creature. I'm going to say goodbye to Connor, poor kid has to grow up with a...a...thing like you for a father." She turned to leave and he grabbed her by the arm.
"We're not finished here." She glared at him and tryed to remove his hand from her arm.
"Yes we are, so let go." She gave him her hardest most determened look, but he didn't relent. He tossed her on the bed and made her sit.
"No, you can attack me all you want, just leave my son out of it."
"Why, you haven't even layed eyes on him in weeks."
"I love Connor."
"Yeah, like you love me, what a lucky boy he is. What would stop you from doing the same thing to Connor?"
"I would never hurt my son."
"You said you'd never hurt me, but look where that got you."
"I didn't want to hurt you, don't you see that, what happened was beyond my control."
"Then how can you control yourself around Connor?"
"Because, when I look at that face it makes me remember my soul and what I am, what I'm fighting for."
"And me?"
"You help me forget. You make me feel almost human and I think that some part of me got confused. Instead of me forgeting my vampire side it forgot the human side. I've wanted you for so long I cracked and I just took what I wanted and it was wrong. Really wrong. Maybe I can't promise with 100% certainty that it won't happen again, but I can promise that I will try my best. If you just help me remember my soul and what I'm here for, I'm sure I'll be fine."
"I want to believe you. I want my friend, my life back."
"Then trust me again."
"I don't know if I can, you've let me down so many times. How many times can I go on forgiving you."
"One more, that's all I ask, just one more chance and I won't let you down this time."
"I just don't know." She turned away from him.
"You know you promised me that you would never leave me and that all I had to do to remember that fact was look into your eyes to know it was true."
"That seems like a lifetime ago."
"But does it still hold true?" She looked down still not facing him, considering her options.
"You tell me." She turned around letting him for the first time that night to look into the depths of her eyes. I let out an unneeded breath and a smile curled on his lips and a tear rolled down his cheek."
"So, does this mean what I think it does?"
"I don't know if things can ever go back the way they were and it will take a long time for my trust and faith in you to fully return, but I'm not gonna leave you. Besides I miss Connor terribly."
"Do you mind if I go with you to check on him and maybe you can help me move his stuff back up here?"
"Yeah that sounds good." She gave him an awkward smile. She tried her hardest not to be afraid of him, but there was still a part of her that was terrified of him, but she was more terrified to be without him and she couldn't explain why.
TBC