Title: Cosmo’s Hands-On Guide To Solo Sex
Author: Kelly
Email: Click here
Rating: NC-17
Content: Cordelia, implied C/A
Warnings: toys, mast, f-solo, voy
Summary: Written for leobrat’s Sister’s Doing It For Themselves Ficathon (http://leobrat.livejournal.com/73799.html). ATS S3, pre-Birthday. Cordelia, desperate for release, turns to Cosmo’s advice.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. I do not own Cosmo, The Hearst Corporation does. I do not own the characters from Sex In The City, Darren Starr does. And I do not own the characters from The Loner by Lass Small. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: LJ, AO, FSB, ST. Any place that wants it can have it, just credit of course.
A/N: And a huge thanks to both Sarah (http://boy-named-susie.livejournal.com) and Fluffer/Shannon (http://diseased-inside.livejournal.com) for being fabulous betagirls.

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Cordelia stared at the plain brown box that was sitting on her coffee table. She still couldn’t believe that she had ordered it. After a night of one too many homemade margaritas and a marathon of Sex and the City with Dennis, she had gone online and ordered The Rabbit. The praises from the fictional women on the TV screen had pushed her over the edge.

She had to admit that she hadn’t been getting any lately. Or really, any at all since her last encounter had resulted in her getting knocked up with demon spawn. Every date she went on, she had to be extra cautious that he wasn’t a demon or working for a demon. There was also the fact that she was worried she would lose her visions. Groo had put the idea in her head when she was in Pylea and it was stuck there.

She poured over every single part of Cosmo’s article about self-gratification to no avail. She created an “atmosphere for arousal” with some soft music, soft lighting, and soft touching but nothing. She drank a glass of wine, as suggested, and ended up passing out on her couch. She woke the next morning with a headache, so that was out. She went into the bath and tried The Figure Eight, The Compass, and The Three-Fingers Thrill but still couldn’t get off. She was desperate. So it was onto the last suggestion...a vibrator.

The choice of which one to pick was easy after the girls had an intervention for Charlotte. Sex and the City and Cosmo had never steered her wrong before and she knew they wouldn’t now. She took a deep breath and opened the box. She peered over the edge. She was relieved to find that it looked exactly as it had appeared on the show and that it came in a shiny new package. She reached in to retrieve it and the batteries.

“Dennis, you better find something to do with yourself tonight. If I sense you in my bedroom, I will figure out how to bring you back and kill you again.” She lifted her head from reading the box as she spoke. It said to wash it with warm soapy water. She was sure as heck not going to put it on her girly parts without cleaning it first. She had images of all sorts of overweight, grubby factory workers putting their hands all over it. She got up from the couch to give it a proper cleaning in her bathroom sink.

She had the Cosmo article memorized by now, so she left it on the table next to the opened box. She would pick up the packing peanuts she had spilled later. She knew that she was just stalling as she cleaned the vibrator. She was spending a little too much time cleaning it. Truth was, she had never been one to even think about toys, but this dry spell was forcing her to think of whole new ways to get off.

“I am going to scrub the coloring right off if I keep this up.” She muttered to herself. She looked at The Rabbit more closely now that it was out of the packing and scrubbed clean. It was translucent with a bit of a pink tinge to it. Inside the top of the penis shaped head were little silver beads. She couldn’t quite figure out what those were for. She knew what the little silicone and rubber rabbit near the base was for though.

“Now or never, Chase.” She said to herself as she stepped out of the bathroom. She set the toy on the bedside while she changed. She remembered the advice from the article. First time users, keep your panties on. The buzz might be a bit intense. At least all her underwear was sexy. She figured if she was going to spend an evening sexing herself up, she might as well look hot for it.

She made her way to the stereo, dimming her bedroom lights on the way. She was hoping that if this worked as advertised, she would need something to cover up her noises. She pressed the power on. Barry White was a little too old school for her but she had foolishly ordered one of those Sexy Sounds of Soul and R&B CDs late one night. Somehow late night infomercial shopping was the perfect way to unwind from a night of killer visions, staking vampires, and slaughtering demons. Now it was time to put that purchase to good use.

With the lighting set, the music set, and her attire set, there were no more excuses. She even turned the phone off so she would have no distractions, just like Cosmo had said.

“Cosmo, don’t fail me now.” She said as she climbed onto her bed. She grabbed the vibrator, popping the batteries into the remote and then into the base of the toy. She took a deep breath before she set it aside for now. She knew, thanks to the article, she would never be able to get off if that was all she was thinking about. She laid on her bed, head on her pillows. What she needed to think about was her lover. The only problem was, she didn’t have one.

She closed her eyes because when in doubt, might as well just imagine Keanu or Brad. She had a pretty good imagination. She shifted on her bed as she imagined a scenario. There was always her favorite, the one in which she was a big Hollywood starlet and Keanu was coming back from shooting his latest movie. Or that Brad spotted her lounging at the beach and was instantly taken by her. But even these ones were so overused that they were no longer cutting it. She sighed and opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling.

She turned her head, seeing the well worn paperback romance sitting on her bedside stand. She picked it up. She already knew exactly what pages had the good stuff. This was one of the better ones. The Loner was about a lonely brooding mountain man who falls in love with a fiery young woman. They were brought together to stop a forest fire, to save countless people. She usually liked the ones with stable boys and rich society girls but this one was good at doing the job.

She turned on her side and flipped open to one of the dog eared pages. It wasn’t long into reading about reluctant Clayton giving into Shelley’s teasing before she found her hand slowly rubbing above her chest. She couldn’t ignore that there was just something about those two getting together that was just hot. She knew the passages all too well and once she felt that familiar bit of sensation between her legs, she put the book aside.

She laid on her back, her eyes closing as her hand moved over her own breast. She liked foreplay and if you were going to do it yourself, might as well do it right and do it how you like. She felt her nipple tighten and harden as her fingers passed over it. She moaned softly as took her nipple between two fingers, rolling and pulling gently. She brought her free hand up to her mouth, slipping her fingers past her lips to wet them. She ran her tongue over her own fingers before she pulled them free and moved them to her other breast. She drew in a sharp breath as her warm saliva touched her nipple, causing it to harden as the air dried it.

She could feel herself becoming more aroused as a light throbbing started in her center. She only wished she had a partner instead of this being a solo act. She pictured Clayton in her mind, the brooding loner who spent most of his time alone in his cabin. She couldn’t really stand the facial hair he had on the cover so that was gone in her mind’s eye. She imagined that her wet fingers were now his tongue, passing over her nipple, making it strain even further upwards. She could feel his strong hands surround her breast, squeezing it gently to push the nipple up to meet his eager tongue. She felt her body flush, streaming down her body and centering right in the middle of her sex.

The cabin thing though...that was really kind of a turn off. Sure, it was all romantic for a getaway but not for someone to be living there. No, they weren’t in his cabin. They were in his room. It was a hotel suite. Nothing too luxurious though. Part of his appeal was his brooding lonerness and a suite at the Hilton didn’t scream “I want to be left alone.” She could picture herself lying on his bed, his body covering hers. She could almost feel her lips tingle from his bruising, hungry kisses.

Her hand moved without thinking, sliding down the soft skin of her stomach. Her fingers paused long enough to trace little circles around her belly button. She drew in yet another sharp breath as her fingers moved past her belly button and over the waistband of her lacy panties. They were no longer her fingers but his fingers. His fingers pushing against her sex. Rubbing her through the thin covering of her panties until they were soaked with her arousal.

It was now or never for the vibrator. She’d gotten to this point before, only to work furiously for a half hour with no result. Her free hand grabbed the toy, pulling the remote along with it. Her other hand continued to work over her panties. She ground the material against her clit and the lips of her sex before moving to rub lower. She opened her eyes long enough to eye the remote, putting it on the lowest setting. She picked the vibrator up to look at it for a moment. She was just imagining that Clayton had left for the moment to get some protection. She had to keep herself in the scenario after all or she might lose all this sexual steam.

Even on the lowest setting, the little rabbit was quivering back and forth so quickly that she could hardly make out more than a blur. The head had begun to rotate and she could see now that the silver beads inside were moving like some kind of crazy sex toy lava lamp, passing over each other, up and down. She could only imagine what that was going to feel like on her g-spot. She looked at it for a few more seconds before she brought it down to touch her lips over her panties. She gasped at the first contact as a bolt of pleasure shocked her. It threw her out of whatever fantasy she was having and caused her to drop the vibrator between her thighs.

The little toy continued to hum and move, circling her bed from its programmed movements. She moved to sit up but that only caused the toy to once more bump against her sex and send another jolt through her. The girls on Sex and the City were right. She might never leave the house again if this was as good with her panties off! She pulled her legs up and yanked her panties down as quickly as she could. She was done playing around. She was ready for the main event. And that little toy plus her imagination were going to do it for her.

She grabbed the vibrator from between her legs and laid back down on her bed. She took the remote in her other hand in case she had to turn the juice up. For now, she left it on the lowest setting. She drew her legs up onto the bed, letting her knees fall slightly apart. She drew in a breath before she put the rotating head of the vibrator against her sex. Her eyes shut tighter at that first bare contact. The damp curls of her pubic hair were hardly enough to protect her from the sensations. The toy was cool after drying off and it gave an amazing sensation against her heat. She had to draw it away to keep herself from climaxing right then and there. She had never thought to put something cool against her skin like that.

It was a short lived hiatus though as she put the vibrator back against herself. She moved it slowly up and down, pushing it towards herself to part the lips of her sex. Each time the rotating head brushed against her clit, she couldn’t help but moan. She knew well enough that she had to make sure the head and shaft were nice and slick with her arousal before she tried to slip it inside. And it was more foreplay really, which she wasn’t complaining about.

Her mind easily slipped back into her fantasy. She was lying on his hotel bed, wanting and waiting for him. Instead of a humming toy between her legs, it was a pair of skilled hands and a tongue. A tongue that was cool and teasing as it occasionally brushed against her most sensitive nub. She could barely see the brown hair that belonged to her lover as he worked between her legs. This was the sort of fantasy she could get behind. She was the center of attention and he was loving just pleasuring her.

Her body bristled with excitement as she continued to move the vibrator up and down her glistening slit. She was getting wetter by the moment, coating the toy as she worked. Her hand slowly turned the dial up to the next setting. As soon as the vibrator increased intensity, she almost jumped. She could feel her thighs quivering. Her body was begging for her to just slip it in and screw herself blue. Who was she to deny herself?

She moved the vibrator now so that she could part her lips with it. She could picture her lover atop her now, shadows from the dim lighting in his room obscuring his face. She pushed the head past her lips, into her opening, imaging it was his cock pushing into her entrance. She shifted her butt up slightly as she tried to work more of the shaft into herself. It had been a while and she had never had something this size in her. It wasn’t overly huge, just bigger than she was used it. It was stretching her, but in a good kind of way.

The vibrator still hadn’t warmed much and she bit her lip as she felt the coolness pushing in, invading her warmth. For a brief moment, she wondered if this was how Angel would feel sliding into her. He would go slow, he would be gentle, and he would probably be room temperature. She had to push those thoughts out of her head and focus on the mysterious lover of her fantasies. At least she could bone him without fear of death in the morning.

She slipped the toy deeper and deeper within herself, stopping just before the small silicone rabbit could hit her clit. She wanted to enjoy this. She left the toy there for a moment, letting her body get used to it. Her fantasy lover understood that she needed time to adjust before he started to move in and out of her in a slow rhythm. Her hand pulled the base of the toy out slowly and pushed it back in to that just before the danger zone spot once more. She could almost feel the weight of her imagined lover above her, smell his scent as she drew in deep breaths.

She reached for the remote, turning the toy up once more. She gasped loudly as the toy increased not only its vibrations but the rotation of the head and the movement of the beads. She moaned as her now free hand moved from the remote to grasp her breast. She began to work it, kneading it with the type of nearly rough attention that a man would give it. She sped the rhythm of the vibrator up, pushing and pulling it faster in and out of herself.

Her legs curled and straightened as she continued to move it in and out of her red hot heat. The toy was starting to warm up now, getting almost as hot as she was. She felt a tingle, almost a pulling in her stomach, telling her she was getting closer. She gave the toy one final push and let the rabbit hit her clit.

She moaned loudly, her imagination telling her that those were the skilled fingers of her lover. He had slipped them down between them when she wasn’t looking. He wanted to get her off, make sure that she had her pleasure. She writhed on her bed, her hips pushing up against this fantasy. Her body tightened around the toy, just as they would around the cock of a real lover. She could feel the pleasure washing over her. It wouldn’t be long now.

Instead of focusing on that, she just focused on how her body was feeling. She was hot, flush with desire, her skin slicked with sweat. Her mouth felt a little dry as she kept it open, panting and moaning as the toy worked its magic. Or rather, as her fantasy lover worked his magic. She drew in a breath, her back arching up, body pulling the vibrator deeper into herself. It was then that in her fantasy, the face of her lover came into the light.

“Oh, god, Angel!” It wasn’t a cry of surprise or shock. It was a mixture of a groan of pleasure and words of satisfaction. Her hips continued to press up against nothing as she climaxed. Her thighs clenched around the toy. She grabbed the bed sheets, calling out his name once more.

As her orgasm subsided, she fumbled blindly for the remote to the toy. She flipped it off but let it stay inside of her. She collapsed on her bed. She was worn out. Her breathing came in short, heavy pants. Her body felt completely exhausted, her legs and thighs like jello, and her pussy was sore. But it was all a good kind of discomfort. She brought a hand up to her forehead to wipe away the moist hairs when she heard a throat clearing. Her eyes opened wide and she sat up to see who it was.

“Oh, god, Angel.”