Title: When the Face of Evil Is the Face You Love
Author: Lilyana_vamp
Posted: 02-06-2003
Email: lilyana_vamp@yahoo.com
Rating: NC17
Category:
Content:
Summary: When the unpeakable happens, the unspeakable is brought about...but not without some complications.
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: If you want it, take it...just let me know where it went.
Notes:
Feedback:Part 1: Tragedy
"Angel, you can't really expect me to just wait here again! After last time—"
"Cordy, last time was different. We didn't know that demon was luring us away so that it could get to you." Angel was adamant that she would not come with them. How could he, in good conscience, put her in that kind of danger? What were the odds of that happening again? Besides, after what she had done with his son, he didn't want her there.
"Exactly! Luring you away! Hello!! Am I the only one actually looking at this clearly?"
The way she talked, like she knew what was best, annoyed him greatly. Didn't she realize that he knew what was best for her? He'd been around for over 250 years and he knew when it was too dangerous for her to come with them.
"It's out of the question Cordelia. I can't concentrate on stopping these demons with you tagging along. Now why don't you go do your nails or read a magazine or something…as long as it doesn't involve Connor," he muttered the last part and without giving her a chance to argue, he walked out the door.
Cordelia was speechless as she watched Angel walk out the door, leaving her alone in the big old hotel. Okay, so maybe not speechless, she had plenty to say and she was determined not to let him get away with this.
She grabbed her coat from the back of her chair and stood in the doorway. She was suddenly filled with dread, as if this were the last time she would see the Hyperion this way. But Cordy couldn't ignore her vision. Angel was going to need her help, whether he liked it or not.
***Angel lightly touched the next sketch on his wall. This one tore his soul to pieces, but he couldn't take it down. It wouldn't be right, for the very reason he'd forced himself to finish it, to never forget her devotion to him. He could never forget the night his life fell apart.***
Angel never saw it coming, nor did he have time to react, but someone else did. As the severed demon head fell to the ground, he heard the sound of a crossbow and felt something slam against his body.
"Angel! Cordelia! Are you both okay?" Wesley called.
"Cordelia?" Angel asked in astonishment and anger. "I thought I told you to stay…" his voice trailed off as he turned and looked at his seer. She was laying face down in the grass, not moving. He could barely hear her shallow breathing or weak heartbeat. "Cordy?" His anger was quickly turning to fear.
He carefully rolled her to her back and looked at her perfect, un-damaged face. Slowly, his gaze traveled down her body and fell upon her injury. Tucked neatly into her heart was a wooden stake. Angel's hands began to shake as he gently cradled her head in his lap. "Cordy? Can you hear me?"
Her eyelids fluttered open and her moan was too quiet for human ears. He brushed a dark lock from her face and looked into her eyes. Angel could see that were already starting to glaze over. "Please hang on Cordy. Please don't leave me. I don't think I can do this without you." He detected her breath becoming more shallow and labored before ceasing completely. He began to panic. There were so many things he needed to tell her, so many things he had to show her. Suddenly her actions with Connor seemed un- important and insignificant.
"Cor, I never wanted you to come with us because I was afraid this would happen. You weren't supposed to be here. I told you to stay at the hotel!" He could feel the tears forming in his eyes. "Dammit Cordelia! Why don't you ever listen to me? I'm just trying to keep you safe! To protect you!"
"Angel," Wesley whispered and placed a hand on his arm. "She's gone."
He threw Wesley's hand off him roughly. He knew Wesley was right, but he couldn't admit it. None of this could be true. Cordy couldn't have gone against him and followed them, she couldn't have taken the stake meant for him, and she couldn't be dead.
***What had happened next, Angel wished he could forget. He wished he could forget the whole ordeal, but that would mean forgetting Cordelia, and he could never do that.***
"Cor…" He caressed her face, searching for any spark of life whatsoever.
"Angel, come on. We have to take the body back—"
"No! It's not a body; it's Cordelia! Are you that quick to forget her?!" Angel could feel the anger rise inside of him.
"Of course not, I only meant—"
"I know what you meant Wesley. You meant that since the body's dead, she's not a person anymore! Well, what does that make me Wesley?!"
"I wasn't implying…" Wesley decided it would be better to not continue with the line of discussion. "Let's take her back now." He leaned down to help Angel pick Cordelia's body up.
"Get your hands off of here," Angel growled, gripping his seer tightly.
"Angel, please, it's over—"
"It's never over Wesley. There is always a way."
"What are you thinking? You can't possibly be thinking about turning her!" Wesley grabbed Angel's arm as the vampire stood up.
Still holding the body to his chest, he threw the Englishman against a nearby tree. "Can't I Wesley? I have the motive and the means to bring her back and no one would ever be able to hurt her again. I could keep her safe and teach her to defend herself in ways no human could. I could have her back!" Angel broke down, tears running down his face. "I need her back."
Wesley stumbled to Angel's side. "I know Angel. None of us ever wished for this or thought it would happen, but it did. You need to let her go. Let her rest."
"How can you expect me to do that? I would do anything for this woman!"
"And she for you. That's why she took that stake for you. She gave her life for you."
"Don't try to rationalize this Wesley. First I lost my son, no thanks to you, only for him to come back as a disgruntled teenager that hates me with ever fiber of his being, enough to sleep with the woman I love! The last thing I ever said to her was about that. I never got a chance to tell her that I love her more than I hate what she did. I need her with me. I need Cordelia. That's all there is to it." Angel tried to walk away from his one-time friend, but Wesley stopped him by hitting him with the blunt side of his battle- axe. Angel fell to the ground on top of Cordelia's body.
"I'm sorry Angel. I can't let you do this." He and Gunn, who had wisely chosen to remain silent through it all, carried him and Cordelia to the car.
Fred ran to the door when the group returned. "Oh my goodness… what happened?" She watched the now conscious Angel walk to Cordy's desk and sit down silently. "Oh, I'll get the medical kit!" she exclaimed when she saw Wesley carrying Cordelia in.
"Fred, Baby…" Gunn started, pulling her close to him and realization sunk in. Fred burst into tears as she looked at her friend's body.
"I'm so sorry…I…should have been here to stop her from leaving…"
"It's not your fault Fred," Wesley whispered as he laid Cordy's body on the couch. "She would have gone anyways. That's just how she was. You couldn't keep her from doing anything once she set her mind to it."
Angel jumped up and threw the computer to the floor in rage. "Don't talk about her that way! She's only been gone an hour and you're talking like she's been gone for years."
"Angel, you need to calm down. This isn't helping—"
"Nothing will help Wesley. Cordy is gone and I might as well be too."
***In all his years, he had never felt that lost. His Cordelia was gone. The sketch didn't do her beauty justice. She had been perfect, even in death. He traced the lines of her body and the lines of her face as he had that night. He remembered the image of her cold, lifeless body as Wesley prepared to take her to the morgue. They all talked in hushed tones as if to not upset him, and he simply stared at Cordelia, the sight burning into his memory for all eternity. He wondered if any one of them realized that Cordelia's wasn't the only soul lost that night.***
Angel sat for hours, staring at the now empty couch. Memories of her flashing through his mind; of her sitting on the couch thumbing through one of the many mindless magazines she left strewn across the lobby to "occupy the clients" she had once said; of her sitting at her computer complaining about filing or the weapons not being in order; of her holding Baby Connor and comforting his cries; of the smile that was beamed his way whenever he walked into the room. He wouldn't let himself think of what he had seen that night in Connor's loft. He wouldn't let his memory of her be tainted that way. He wondered if she had ever suspected his feelings for her.
He pulled off his sweater, soaked with her blood, and threw it at the couch. "Damn you!" He looked down at her desk, at the picture of Angel Investigations. It became painfully clear that she would never again be part of that picture. He hurled it toward the couch. It bounced off and shattered into a hundred pieces, as his heart had. "Damn you Cordelia Chase for making me love you and then leaving me!"
`So not my choice!'
He wasn't exactly sure when or how it had happened. There hadn't been any pain, not like before. It had just seemed like he slipped away and the demon took over, too overcome with grief and heartache to care. He had let go just enough. Angelus had the power now.
"Angel you dumbass!"
Cordelia opened her eyes as the sweater came flying at her. She ducked and looked up at Angel. "Do you mind not throwing your bloody, demon-rank clothing at me? Trying to sleep here!" she scowled at him. "Hello? Am I invisible or something….again? Oh great, deja vu much? Skip! This is getting lame!"
"Damn you!"
"Excuse me? Don't be throwing your `damns' around. Not looking to be `of the cursed'!" she yelled, hoping he might hear her.
"Damn you Cordelia Chase for making me love you and then leaving me!"
"So not my choice!" she screamed and instinctively ducked away from the airborne picture. "Hey! That's mine!" She looked up at her friend in disbelief and then opened her mouth in shock. As a look of utter despair took over Angel's face, something began to rise out of him. A white, glowing stream flowed from his body and climbed toward the ceiling. Cordy watched in wonder. It was the most beautiful sight she had ever witnessed. And then she realized it was the worst. Angel's body was now bathed in a blood red glow and the look in his eyes could only mean one thing: Angelus was back.
"Angel, you dumbass!"
Part 2: Realization
Angelus whirled around. He could have sworn he heard Cordelia's voice. "You fool, the little bitch is dead. She's not talking to anyone anymore." Her death was a bittersweet event; it gave him his opening to take over, but it deprived him of killing her himself. "The joy shoulda been mine."
"Dead?! What do you mean dead?! I don't remember any dying!" Cordy cried. She felt like jumping and screaming but didn't think she really wanted to attract the attention of Angelus.
She backed up out of natural reaction as he walked to the couch and picked up the sweater. "Mmmm...and she smelled so delicious. I bet she was spicy and sweet, like apples and cinnamon."
"She is standing right here, Psycho-Vamp!" Cordy closed her mouth quickly when he seemed to look right at her.
"Cor--"
"What happened? Angel, are you alright?" Fred asked as the remaining members of the Fang Gang returned from the morgue.
"Why hello Fred. Aren't we looking particularly delightful today," Angelus cooed sinisterly.
"Wes! Fred! Gunn! Stay away from him! That's not Angel! It's Angelus!!" Cordy shrieked at her family. When they failed to hear her, she stood on the couch and began jumping up and down. "Why don't you know I'm here?! He's gonna kill you all if you don't listen to me!!"
"What happened?" Wesley repeated, motioning to the broken picture frame at the vampire's feet.
"Freak attack I guess," Angelus shrugged non-chalantly and took one last smell of Cordy's blood on his sweater. "Souls make you do stupid shit."
"Angel, are you okay man? You're acting a little...strange," Gunn asked and sat on the couch.
"He's fucking acting like Angelus!!" Cordy looked down as Gunn sat precisely where she stood, their bodies never making the slightest of contact. "Eww...that's just freaky."
"The police are filing a report on Cordelia's case," Fred spoke quietly. "They won't find anything, but I think we should try and find out who did this ourselves."
"Yes! You're Angel Investigations! Go investigate! Go help the hopeless..namely me! Just get the hell out of here!" She took a step to her left and sat down next to Gunn. "How does Dennis do this?"
"Do what?" Gunn asked Fred.
"What?"
"You said, 'How does Dennis do this?'"
"No I didn't," Fred answered in confusion.
Cordy jumped up with hope. "I did! I said that! Hear me dammit!!"
"What did you hear Charles?"
"I heard someone talking. I thought it was you, but to tell the truth, it sounded like Cordy."
Fred gave Gunn a sympathetic hug, passing it off as his grieving imagination. "So, should we go look for who..."
"I'll go." Angelus walked to the door with determination. "Alone," he added and slammed the door behind him.
"He's in a peculiar state of mind, even with the given circumstances," Wesley commented, staring at the door.
"Open you're eyes!! He's not Angel! He's Angelus!! Argh!!" Cordelia threw her hands up in frustration. "You guys are impossible!" She reached for the doorknob and suddenly found herself in Lilah Morgan's office. "O--kay...disturbing much? Oh look, it's the uber-bitch."
"You tell me why and I might kill you quick. Fuck around with me and you'll learn what each of your internal organs look like before and after I'm done with you. Then I'll kill you," Angelus threatened.
"Tell you what Angel? I didn't do a thing."
"I find that hard to believe. You and I are more alike than you know Lilah. We both thirst for blood and will do whatever it takes." He circled the lawyer like a shark, speaking low and menacingly. "In fact, the more it takes, the more enjoyable it is, isn't that right?" He gripped her throat roughly. "Who pulled the trigger on that crossbow? Who took all my fun away?"
"I don't know about any crossbow. I didn't try to kill you Angel. I would have succeeded," she croaked as his grip tightened.
"You bore me," Angelus sighed and threw Lilah against the wall. He moved in, more than ready for his first kill in years, when someone interrupted him.
"Miss Morgan? Our contacts just informed us, it seems there is a..." The voice on the speaker seemed to address another before once again relaying the message. "Right...a lost soul in your office."
Angelus sneered at the telephone. "Fucking Soul-Boy. Never give up, do you?"
"Male or female?" Lilah asked, trying to force her voice back to normal.
"Female."
"What kind of game are you playing Lilah?" Angelus growled at her.
"I don't understand Angel."
"It's Angelus! And you know exactly what I'm talking about. Why do you want me to believe her soul is here?"
"Soul? Who's soul?" Lilah asked, shaking slightly.
"Yeah, who's soul? And, heaven help me, if you say Buffy's, I'll kill you myself..somehow!"
"Cordelia's."
"Are you saying Cordelia is..."
"If it's my soul, then I must be..."
"Dead," the two women finished together.
Cordy began shaking violently as it hit her. "Oh God, I'm dead. I'm dead, Angelus is loose, and I can't do a thing about it. He's going to kill everyone I love and I can't even warn them. I'm dead...I'm dead and Angel thought I was in love with Connor...Oh God...he hated me so much for what I did, my death made him happy enough to lose his soul. Well, doesn't that just make a girl all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm so sorry Angel! I never meant to hurt you! I love you!" She walked down the hall, leaving Angelus to do whatever he wanted with the Wicked Bitch of the West.
"Cordelia?" Angelus looked around the room and then turned back as Lilah tried to make her escape. "Nice try Bitch."
Part 3: Contact
Cordelia found herself back at the Hyperion and felt the desperation set in. It wouldn’t be long before Angelus was back. She needed to figure out a way to stop him or to warn the others. “Why can’t someone take a shower so I can write in the steam or something?”
“I still can’t believe Cordelia’s gone,” Fred sighed sadly, picking up the broken glass from the picture frame.
“You and me both sister,” Cordy agreed and sat down, passing through Fred’s arm as she did.
“It seems odd that the Powers let this happen,” Wesley said from behind and old book.
“Yeah, they really dropped the ball on this one.” As she spoke, Cordelia noticed Fred turn in her direction. Hope rose in her again. “Fred, can you hear me?”
“Cordelia?”
“Yes! It’s me Fred! If you can hear me, tell Wes I’m here!”
Fred ripped the book out of the man’s hands. “Wesley, Cordelia is here! I can hear her!”
“Fred…”
“Don’t Fred me! I’m not crazy!”
“No, you’re not Fred. I’m here. I’m sitting on the couch.”
“She’s on the couch. Wesley, I think something is terribly wrong.”
“Cordelia?” Wesley stared at the couch intently where Fred pointed. He reached out, trying to feel anything tangible.
“Hey! Watch the hands Research Guy!” Cordy scolded as his hand passed through her chest.
Wesley blushed and yanked his hand back. “My apologies,” he whispered.
“Wesley, oh you can hear me! Thank God! There’s something I need to tell you!”
“What is it Cordelia? What do you need to tell us?”
“Why do I feel like I’ve walked into and episode of ‘Crossing Over’?” Gunn asked as he walked into the room. “What’s Cordy got to say ‘John’?”
“Oh, you’re a barrel of laughs Charles Gunn.” Cordy stuck her tongue out at him, even though she knew he couldn’t see her.
“Cordelia, what’s wrong?” Fred asked, their arms still occupying the same space.
“Oh, I think I get it now! You can’t hear me unless we’re touching…er…well, not touching, but passing through…whatever! I don’t care! You can hear me and I don’t care how!”
“Cordelia!” Wes and Fred yelled at the same time.
“Oh, sorry. Just overflowing with the excitement. Tell Gunn to get over here and all of you put your hands on the arm of the couch.” She paused as Fred relayed the message and the three followed her directions. “It’s about Angel. There’s something you need to know.”
“Oh Cordelia, he’s been so devastated since you…well…left,” Fred said quietly.
“Oh yeah, real devastated,” Cordy grumbled. “So devastated he’s gone all—“
“Connor!” Gunn called out as the door opened.
“What are you guys doing?” the teenager asked flatly, looking at them standing around the couch.
“Connor, it seems that we have a visitor,” Wes began.
“What kind of visitor?”
“Cordelia has made contact with us. Her spirit is here.”
“IS this some kind of joke?” Connor asked coldly.
“Connor, come here,” Fred told him softly and led him to the couch. She put his hand down and the look on his face told Cordelia he felt her presence.
“Cordy?” he whispered, the sound catching in his throat.
“Hi Connor, how’s life…literally?”
“But you died…you’re gone…”
“Yeah, getting that a lot today. Listen you guys, there’s something you need to know about—“
“Angel! You’re back! Cordelia’s here!” Fred exclaimed as Angelus entered the hotel.
“No Fred! Don’t! Dammit!”
“Cordy?” Angelus moved to the couch and Wesley showed him where to set his hand. “I don’t hear anything.” Cordy moved away from the couch quickly, not wanting him to know about her.
“She was here. I heard her. I felt her,” Connor said.
“Yeah, you’ve felt a lot of her, haven’t you ‘Son’.”
“Angel…” Wes started.
“Oh, no one told you? Little Connor here had some fun with—“
“Dad—“
“Didn’t your mommy teach you that it’s not nice to interrupt your father? Oh, that’s right, she taught you something else. Tell me something Connor, what was it like fucking the only woman you’ve known as a mother? I’ve done some pretty sick and twisted things, but that’s just…wow.”
The group stood in shocked silence as Angelus laid the secret bare for all to see. “Connor?” Wesley asked and the look on the boy’s face said it all.
“Oh….” Fred started but was too shocked to say any more.
“Angelus stop!!!” Cordy screamed at the top of her lungs. She knew he was destroying any progress Angel had made with Connor.
“I do have to say, you are turning out to be quite a disappointment as a son. Guess you take after Daddy in that one. Too bad you only got one ride out of Cordy though. I bet if given the chance, I coulda got a whole lot more out of her. She was such a pretty little whore, she just never. Shut. Up.” Angelus accentuated the last three words.
“Shut up! Don’t talk about her that way! You don’t even deserve to say her name! It’s your fault she’s dead! It should have been you!” Connor yelled and lunged at Angelus.
He let himself be knocked to the ground and laughed. “Do you really think she loved you, Little Boy? You were just a substitute that night because she couldn’t have the real thing. You were nothing to her.” Connor began punching the Angelus blindly, only causing the vampire to laugh harder. “Is that all you got?!”
“Connor! Angel! Stop this!” Fred screamed, breaking the group’s silence. Gunn jumped into action and tried to pull Connor off Angelus.
“Connor, come on. It’s not worth it.” He grabbed one of Connor’s arms and Wesley grabbed the other. Together they pulled the boy up and Gunn led him upstairs.
“Angel, I don’t know what has gotten into you, but that was incredibly uncalled for. I know you’re having a difficult time with Cordelia’s death, but so is Connor. There is no reason for this.”
“But Wes, you know better than anyone what it’s like to know the woman you love slept with someone else. You know it eats you alive every time you see them together. It drives you crazy knowing he’s got what you think should be yours, so much so you started fucking Lilah Morgan. That’s pretty desperate, Watcher-Boy.”
Shocked silence washed over Fred once again and Cordelia could do nothing but watch as Angelus continued to berate and destroy each of them psychologically.
“But I guess you never could handle women, could you? As a watcher, you…well you royally sucked, and we all know how well you did with sweet little Fred here. And then there was Cordelia. Have you noticed how this keeps coming back to her? Weird huh?”
“At least I’m man enough to admit my failures and learn from them,” Wesley spoke, trying to keep his voice even and unemotional.
“Yeah, you must be a real expert, what with all the failures you’ve had.” He then turned to Fred. “And you. Everyone thinks you’re so sweet and innocent, but what would your parents say if they knew what you did to Professor Sidel? Would they be so proud of their little genius if they knew she helped murder a man?”
“Shut up!” she screamed at him. “He..he sent me…”
“Oh, I know, ‘he sent me to that horrible place and I couldn’t let him get away with it or do it to anyone else’,” Angelus cried, mimicking her voice. “Yeah, I hear you and Gunn talking at night…amongst other things. I don’t know how he does it; you yammer as much as Cordy did, even during sex!”
Fred turned bright red and ran up the stairs in tears. Wesley turned to Angelus and glared at him. “Only one thing could be this cruel and hurtful. How did you do it Angelus?”
“What? No hug or nice to see you? I’m insulted,” he grinned. He walked past Wesley and towards his room.
“I don’t think so Angelus.”
“What are you going to do Wesley, stare me to death? I’m going to bed. Don’t disturb me.”
Cordy followed him to Angel’s bedroom and watched him lock and barricade the door. He may be cruel and evil, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew they’d try to confine him while he slept. What he didn’t know was Cordelia was determined to stop him from doing any more damage.
“You are so screwed Angelus.”
Part 4: Dreams
Cordy decided it was time for a little damage control while Angelus was sleeping. She walked right through his barricades and door and into the hallway outside. “That’s gonna take some getting used to,” she shuddered and looked down the empty hall. There was no one in sight. She figured everyone was sleeping and decided to check in on Connor.
She sat next to his bed and watched him sleep as she had when he was a baby. He looked peaceful when he slept, something he never looked when awake. “I’m so sorry Connor. I really made a mess of things.” She tried to touch his face and was blinded by a bright light.
**“This is the most vivid vision I’ve ever had,” she commented, looking around Connor’s loft.
“Cordy, you came back,” Connor smiled at her.
“Connor, you know I can’t stay.”
“I know, but I need you. I need to feel you again.”
Cordy looked at him sadly. “That can’t happen again. We never should have—“
“No, don’t say it,” he snapped. “He was right, I’m nothing to you. You don’t love me.”
“That’s not true Connor; I do love you. But I’m in love with Angel. What happened that night was about something other than love and it was wrong.”
“For you maybe.”
“I came here to tell you to stay away from Angel, not to talk about that,” Cordy sighed, trying to change the subject.
“Why? Because you’re in love with him or you don’t want me to hurt him? He deserves it after the things he said about you.”
“Neither. Because he’s not you father. That man down there saying all those cruel and hurtful things was Angelus, not Angel.”
“And the difference is…?”
“Huge! Angel, your father, is a kind, decent being that has saved the world, and my ass, more times than I can count.”
“They why didn’t he save you this time? He should have saved you,” Connor whispered, trying to choke back tears.
Cordelia hugged him and held him tightly. “Please Connor, don’t blame Angel for what happened to me. He did everything he could to protect me, but I was too stubborn to listen and stay put. If you need to blame someone, blame me. Don’t blame your dad; he’s going to need you more than ever when this is through.”
“But he said I was a disappointment…”
“Listen to me, that thing is a monster wearing Angel’s face. You can’t listen to him or trust him. He’ll take any opportunity to get to you, no matter how small.” She touched his face tenderly, as a mother would and smiled sadly. “I have to go now Connor.”
“No, please stay,” the boy pleaded.
“I can’t Sweetie. I have to go, but I’ll try to come back tomorrow night. I’ll see you at dreamtime,” she whispered.**
Cordelia opened her eyes and realized she was still sitting by his bed at the Hyperion. “Did I just dream that?”
“Goodbye Cordy,” she heard Connor say in his sleep.
“Oh, he dreamed it. Sweet, I can make physical contact in their dreams. Dream invasion could be fun! Watch out, here comes Dream Cordy! Now, who should I visit next?”
Cordy peeked into Fred’s and Gunn’s room to make sure they weren’t doing anything she didn’t want to see and heard Fred crying in her sleep. She sat beside the girl and put a hand on her head.
**”Don’t cry Fred, please.”
“Oh Cordelia, he said such horrible things, about all of us. I-I’ve never seen Angel this way,” the girl sobbed into Cordy’s shoulder. “I-I can feel you!”
“Yeah, dream realm thing I guess. Back to the point, don’t listen to him Fred. Don’t let him get to you. That isn’t Angel, that is Angelus. That’s what I was trying to tell you all.”
“Angelus? But how? I thought he had to be—“
“Perfectly happy, yeah, I know. I’m not sure how because we definitely never made with the happies…I’d remember that! I can tell you when though.”
“When?”
“When you guys were taking me…my body to the morgue. He had his outburst, hurling my picture around and then poof, we have Angelus.”
“How do we make him Angel again?” Fred asked, still crying softly.
“You’ll have to talk to Wes on that one. Look Fred, I have to go find out what I can from Angelus’s subconscious. Tell Gunn and Wes what I’ve told you, okay?”
“Of course Cordelia. Cordy?”
“Yeah Fred?” Cordy turned back and asked.
“He loved you Cordy. He really did, despite the things he said to you. He was just upset and hurt.” Cordy smiled slightly. “And I miss you Cordy.”
“I miss you too Fred, and thank you. I needed to hear that…the missing and the loving. Now sleep well.”**
Cordelia observed that Fred seemed more at peace after their talk and walked to the door. “Now, let’s see what I can get out of Angelus.”
**”Cordy? But how?” Angelus looked at her in shock.
“Don’t give me that Angelus. Why are you here?”
Angelus was too stunned to say a word. He suddenly reached out and grabbed her by the back of the head.
“Get your paws off me!” she screamed and tried to push him away. He pulled her to him and kissed her passionately, his hands tenderly exploring her body. He made quick work of her top, revealing her red lace bra.
“Oh Cordy, I’ve dreamed of this,” he whispered between kisses. He trailed his lips down her neck and across the top of each breast. “Every time I see you, smell you, I dream of this. I want you Cordelia.”
Cordy closed her eyes and moaned as he laid an icy yet fiery kiss on her nipple, through her bra. “Angel,” she sighed at his touch and gasped as his hands gripped her hips and held tight.
“Yeah, he dreams of it too.”
“Angelus! No! Get off me!” she yelled out and pushed him back on the bed.
“Come on Cordy, you know you want me too,” he taunted seductively, lying back on the blood red sating sheets in an invitation.
For an instant, Cordelia wondered how it would feel to be pressed between those sheets and his cool skin. “I want that body, not you Angelus.”
He propped himself up on one elbow. “Well, that’s kinda shallow.”
“I never claimed to not be shallow.” She stood over the vampire with authority, ignoring her exposed state.
“Then why did you come to me Cor?”
“To tell you to stay the hell away from my friends.”
“And how do you expect to keep me from them? You’re not exactly doing too well in the living department.”
Cordy leaned over him, placing a hand on either side of his body. She could see the arousal in his eyes and she gave him a sexy smile. “I could keep you occupied in many wonderfully exciting ways,” she whispered and kissed him. She then grabbed his hair and pulled his head to one side violently. “Or I could just forget whose body you’re in and tear you apart, limb by limb. Do we have an understanding?”
“Cor, I never knew you liked to play that way,” Angelus grinned and she tightened her grip.
“I mean it Angelus. Stay away from them or next time, you won’t wake up.”**
Angelus opened his eyes and touched his head tenderly. “Dumb dead bitch thinks she can rattle me, she’s even more stupid than I thought. Besides, she can’t do anything; she’s dead and long gone.” He laughed and crumpled up one of Angel’s sketches of her. “Bye-bye Cordy.”
Part 5: Crazy
Angelus waltzed down the staircase with his confident, crazed smile and toward the waiting group, armed with crossbows, axes, and Gunn with his flame-thrower. He looked at Fred, holding a crossbow aimed directly at his heart. “Fred, what are you doing? You shouldn’t point that at someone. Your finger might slip and you could really get hurt,” he grinned.
“Don’t you mean YOU could get hurt Angelus?” she answered coldly.
“Aw, did Cordy come visit you and spoil my big surprise? She was never good at keeping her mouth shut, was she?” He continued smiling and walked to the kitchen. “Doesn’t he keep anything but fucking pig’s blood around here?” He turned to the team. “Oh, that’s right, he has friends…shall we have a snack?” Angelus lunged at them, game face on.
“One more step and we’re sweeping you up and taking you out with the garbage,” Gunn warned, training the flame-thrower at the vampire.
“Gunny-boy, you got the balls to do that? Don’t you know that you’ll be killing the being that saved your scrumptious little cake here from Pylea? How would she feel about you then? And then Wes, well, he’d be pissed at you because you upset Fred, who he’s madly in love with, and she’ll go running to him because he wasn’t the one to kill Angel. Of course, she always runs to Wes for some reason or another, doesn’t she? What is it about you that just isn’t good enough Gunn? What’s Wes got that you don’t?” Angelus kept picking away at Gunn’s resolve, trying to distract him. It was working.
Gunn looked at Fred. “What’s he talking about? When do you go to Wes? Why can’t I help you?”
Fred didn’t answer Gunn. Instead, she held still, eyeing Angelus angrily. “It’s not going to work Angelus. Cordy told me that you’d try to do something like this. You can’t get to me, not again.”
Angelus shrugged. “Oh well, it was worth a shot. The food always tastes better when you play with it first. That’s why mommies and daddies always tell their kids not to; they have to take all the fun out of life.”
“Angelus, you can make this easy. Let us restore your soul and you both stay alive. If you fight us, there’s no guarantee.” Wesley held his axe ready.
“You’re actually gonna kill your boss Wes? Wow, now that’s impressive. I always figured you to be just a pretty boy; a watcher who failed miserably at everything he attempted. But to kill your boss, now that’s a HUGE step in the other direction.”
“It’s what he would want,” Connor said from behind Angelus. “And believe me, I’d have no problem doing it.”
“Ah yes, the prodigal son. And what have we been up to today? Plotting to put me 20,000 leagues under the sea again? Or maybe trying to move in on Gunn’s girl. You’re pretty good at accomplishing both of those.”
Connor looked at him emotionless. “Goodnight Dad.” He swung the board and hit Angelus broadside in the head.
**Angelus looked at her in silence. She was absolutely perfect. Her dark hair, her dark eyes and that mega-watt smile. Only there was no smile on her face. She looked sad, so very sad. Something stirred in him, came over him, and he suddenly wanted to see her smile. He wanted to be the one to make her smile. He didn’t want her to be sad anymore. He needed her to be happy and needed to be the one to make her happy. He wanted her. He needed her.
“Only in your dreams Angelus.”**
Angelus’s eyes snapped open and he growled. What was it that made him feel that way about her in that dream? The only feelings he had for her was the disappointment that he wasn’t the one that had put her in the ground. He didn’t have any romantic feelings for Cordelia Chase, that was the pathetic one. “Fucking soul residue.” He looked at his surroundings and found himself caged like an animal.
“Fred…Wes…Connor…Gunn…” he called sinisterly. “Do you really think this is going to hold me long enough for you to put that wretched soul back in? It ain’t gonna happen!!” The vampire sat back on his heels to bide his time and began singing. “…Without a soul, my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold…” Something caught Angelus’s attention. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of light. “What kind of cheap scare tactic is that Wes?”
Cordelia tried to focus all of her paranormal energy on manifesting herself before Angelus. She knew he’d never willingly agree to be re-souled, but maybe with the right convincing, and a bit of his own medicine, he’d cave.
“…Without a soul, my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold…”
“Not for long buddy,” she fumed, more determined than ever to restore him to his souled, Angel-self again.
He looked in her direction and then called up the stairs, “What kind of cheap scare tactic is that Wes?”
She smiled and made another attempt. This time, she could see she was more successful.
“Trying to make me think I’m seeing Cordy I see,” he called out confidently. “What is it, some kind of spell? Can I touch her and hear here and all that too?” He looked back at her when he received no answer. “Yeah, yeah, it ain’t gonna work Wes. You can make her go away now.” Cordelia didn’t move. “Wes, enough already! If you don’t remove this image, I’m gonna kill you slow and painful and make you wish you were back in that rotten childhood with that father of yours again!!” Cordelia didn’t speak. “Go away. You aren’t real.” He turned away from her and back to the bars of the cage, looking for any weakness or means to escape.
Cordy smiled, seeing that her plan was working perfectly. If she couldn’t reason with the vampire, she’d drive him crazy, just like he had so many in his day. Besides, how many times had he complained that she’d never shut up?…
Angelus knew the image of Cordy was still behind him. For the first time, he wished that she would just say something, but she didn’t. Why would she, she wasn’t real. She was dead. She only existed in dreams now. She couldn’t be there behind him.
“Wesley, let me out of this cage or I’ll make you watch as I rip each of your friends limb from limb!!” Angelus gripped the bars tightly and began trying to shake them loose. “I swear I’ll make you all suffer and enjoy every bit of it!!!” he growled in rage.
Wesley came down the stairs slowly and emotionlessly. “I suggest that you settle down and be quiet. You’re interrupting our research,” he spoke evenly from the staircase.
“Make her go away, now,” Angelus growled, his eyes flashing yellow.
“Make who go away? There’s no one else down here besides you Angelus.”
“You know who I’m talking about Wesley. Get rid of that image.”
“You know, Angel always said you were a little mad. I always thought you were just ingenious, but I’m beginning to think he was right.” Wesley turned and walked back up the stairs. “You might as well rest up Angelus. Angel’s gonna want his body to be in top shape when he gets it back.”
“It’s MY body Watcher!” Angelus turned around angrily and found himself face to face with Cordy. “Get out of my mind whore!!” he yelled and waved his arm through her, making her form dissipate into mist. He sat on the floor of his cage with his head between his hands.
Fred looked at the monitor worriedly. “Are you sure he can’t get out of there? He looks REALLY mad now.”
“I can’t be sure of anything Fred. Never underestimate Angelus’s power, cunning, or strength. The only thing we can hope for is that we find a way of restoring his soul before he finds a way out.” He went back to his book, trying to ignore the glares he was receiving from Gunn. “Gunn, could you please concentrate on the matter at hand? We’ll deal with the other issues when there is time.”
“Whatever you say,” the young man snapped and flipped though a book of his own.
“Wesley, I’m not finding anything on here,” Fred sighed from her seat in front of Cordelia’s computer. “There’s stuff about the Orb of Thessula and the incantation, but it says that only pertains to if he lost his soul in a moment of pure happiness. I think we can safely rule that one out.”
“I agree, this is a completely different circumstance and there may not be any record of restoration for this. We may have to devise our own method.”
Angelus began pacing the cage, his hunger aching inside of him. “Somebody had better bring me something to eat!!” he yelled loud enough for them to hear him had they been on the top floor. He grinned when Fred and Gunn brought the blood down to him. “Mmm..such a sweet thing bringing me my dinner. A guy could get used to that.”
“Well don’t be getting any ideas because I would have no problem dusting your ass,” Gunn warned, crossbow ready.
“I’m insulted Gunn. Do you really think I’m that stupid?”
“Do you really want an answer?”
Fred cautiously approached the cage with the bag of blood in her hand. She moved her arm forward to throw it to him and in a flash he had hold of her.
“Charles!!” she screamed as he gripped her throat and moved his teeth to it.
“Let her go Angelus,” Gunn demanded.
“I’d say that you are in no position to make demands Charlie.” He could see the man’s anger at the use of that nickname and let out a low growl. “She smells so sweet, like an expensive piece of chocolate.”
“Let her go or I’ll put this arrow through you cold, dead heart.”
“And kill her in the process? You can’t shoot me without shooting her,” Angelus pointed out. “If you want her, come and get her.” He waited until Gunn was within reaching distance and pulled her against the bars violently. “Oh, there is a catch, you gotta let me out.”
“No way,” Gunn answered wide-eyed. “Fred baby…”
“Charles…” she whispered, petrified.
“You know, in a way, I was hoping you’d say that.” Angelus sunk his fangs into Fred’s tender flesh and felt the warm, human blood rush into his mouth. Nothing he could remember had tasted better, after all those years of rancid pig’s blood.
“Fred!! Angelus stop! Let her go and I’ll open the cage!” Gunn pleaded and caught Fred as Angelus ripped away.
“I thought you’d see it my way.”
“Fred, baby, are you alright? Fred?” Gunn held a hand tightly against the open wound on her neck and threw the keys to Angelus. “Get out of my sight before I change my mind,” he threatened and held Fred close.
Angelus walked up the stairs like nothing had happened and right past Wesley. “You might want to give Charlie-boy a hand with Sugar. She’s not feeling so well,” he stated simply and wiped a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.
Wesley stared at him, stunned for a moment. He contemplated going after the vampire but realized Fred might be in need of immediate medical attention. He raced down the stairs to find Gunn holding her in his arms, whispering to her lovingly. He couldn’t hear what the man was saying and couldn’t see Fred’s face or neck, but by the amount of blood pooled on the floor, he knew it wasn’t looking good.
Angelus walked into his room and found himself in front of Cordelia again. He froze, locked in her gaze for a few moments before looking away. “You aren’t here. You aren’t real.” He barricaded his door once again; feeling a little tired after his small meal, and lay on his bed. “Go away and let me rest.”
**Angelus reached out for her, trying to feel her, to see if she was really lying next to him in his bed. He touched her face tenderly and pulled her close to him. “Cordy, please don’t ..”
“Don’t what Angelus?”
“Don’t let me wake up from this. Don’t let me go back to a place where you are gone.”
“Why do you care Angelus? You would have killed me yourself, given the chance.”
“I don’t want to be in a world without you. Sure, I would have killed you, but I would have turned you. I would have let you live forever with me.”
“I wouldn’t want to live forever with you Angelus.”
“Please Cordy.”
“No Angelus, you’ll wake up and you’ll face the world without me. And you will get your soul back.” Cordelia pulled his lips down to hers and kissed him passionately. She ran her fingers through his hair and down his back. She grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. She kissed his neck and chest, hearing him moan at her touch. Shivers ran through her as he pressed his cold body against hers and she pulled him closer to her.
Angelus couldn’t believe what as happening and he didn’t care. He had Cordelia close to him. He could smell her and feel her. And he could kiss her. As she lay beside him, suddenly beautifully naked, he ceased to think. He crushed his lips to hers, kissing her with bruising strength. He explored her body with his lips, her delicious neck, her slender arms, her perfect breasts, her firm stomach, her long legs, and her hot core. He heard her shriek as his cold tongue slipped inside of her, pleasuring her in ways that no man had been able to. He could smell her getting closer to climax, her perfectly manicured nails digging into the back of his neck, drawing blood and he drove on. He felt her body tighten and tense as her fluid flowed freely into him, and his own arousal began to throb painfully. He settled himself between her legs and thrust into her. He didn’t hold back, driving into her over and over, watching her squirm and grip the headboard in pleasurable pain. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t control himself. It was all so primal at that point. There was only one purpose. Please the girl. Please himself. Angelus thrust into her harder and harder, bringing himself to the edge of his orgasm.
“Only in your dreams,” she whispered and was gone.**
Angelus opened his eyes once more and looked at the empty bed. He let out an unearthly sound and threw a lamp against the wall. He looked at the sketches and walked toward them, prepared to shred every single one, when he saw her. She stood by the bed silently, watching him with those big brown eyes.
“Cordy…” He approached her, but she didn’t move and didn’t speak. She just looked at him. “Cordy please, leave me alone. You’re gone. You’re dead. You need to leave me the hell alone.”
She said nothing.
“Get out! You aren’t real! Get the hell out of my room and stay the hell out of my dreams!” he yelled, trying to make her dissipate again, but failed.
She did not move.
“If I can’t touch you, if I can’t have you, I don’t want you around! Go away!”
Silence.
“You fucking bitch! Can’t you take a hint! You aren’t wanted here!”
Staring.
Angelus began to shake. “Please Cordelia, don’t do this. I can’t take it. I can’t take seeing you if I can’t have you.” The vampire sunk to his knees.
Watching.
“What do you want from me?”
Waiting.
“Please Cor, don’t do this to me. I’ll do anything.”
Cordelia smiled. Those were exactly the words she was waiting for.
Part 6: Bring Me To Life
“Please Cor, don’t do this to me. I’ll do anything.”
Cordelia smiled. Those were exactly the words she was waiting for. “Anything Angelus?”
“Yes.”
“Be Angel again.”
“What?”
“Let Angel come back. Be re-souled.”
Angelus looked at Cordelia in horror. How could he possibly let the souled one take over again? He had waited so long to be released and now she wanted him to give it up. “Never.”
“You said anything Angelus.”
“Anything but that. I refuse to lose this body again. It’s rightfully mine. He gave it up. You can’t really expect me to let him take it over to do ‘good’ things again!”
Cordelia looked at him seriously. “That’s exactly what I expect Angelus. If you refuse, you can expect to see a lot of me. Everywhere you turn, I’ll be standing there. Every time you close your eyes, I’ll be haunting your dreams. I will give you no rest. I’ll haunt you for the rest of your un-life. Let’s face it, I have nothing better to do.”
Angelus’s mind was reeling. He knew he’d never survive being haunted by her beautiful face, but he wouldn’t give in to Angel. He couldn’t. Not after tasting freedom again…and blood, human blood. Besides, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. At least he’d have her around. He could feel a horrendous aching in his heart. “Cordy…”
“The clock’s ticking Angelus. Make your decision. Are you going to give Angel his life back or am I going to terrorize the rest of yours?” She saw him go through every emotion possible, trying to make his choice. She looked into his eyes and saw something she never thought she would see…pain…anguish…love. She touched his face tenderly, seeing his expression soften. “Angelus, I know you care for me, but I can’t be with you, and I never could be.”
~*~ How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb~*~
“Cordy, I’ve never felt like this and it sickens me. It makes me feel human. I don’t want to feel human. I don’t want to love you. I need these feelings to go away.”
“So make them go away. Let Angel love me. You must understand Angelus that the feelings you have are because Angel loved me. You two share more than the same body.”
“You’re asking the impossible Cordelia,” he suddenly spoke with a smile. “The White Hats down there can’t re-soul me. The Orb won’t work. They couldn’t do it even if I agreed.”
“I tell you what Angelus; if I find a way, you agree to it and I’ll be history. If not, I’ll be following you forever. Deal?”
~*~Without a soul My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home.~*~
He wondered if the front he was putting on was fooling her. Angelus grinned sinisterly. “Sure Delia. It’s not like anyone will ever find a way anyways. What do I have to lose?”
“Nothing,” Cordy answered with a smile of her own. “You only have something to gain…a soul.”
She walked around, searching desperately. It was so cold, dark, and lonely there. There was nothing but darkness wherever she turned. Terror rose in her, threatening to take her over and drive her out of that place, but she was there for a purpose.
“Angel!” she called into the nothingness.
~*~(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become.~*~
“Cordelia?” she heard his voice whisper.
“Angel, where are you?”
“Cordy, how did you get here? You should be in—“
“Where? Heaven? Please, how am I supposed to hang out in heaven with your evil alter ego tormenting LA? Wings and harps and fluffy little clouds are not in my brochure until I fix the mess you created.”
Angel didn’t acknowledge her snide remarks; he could only feel his heart swell at seeing her, talking to her again. “Cordy, I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.”
“It wasn’t your fault Angel,” she spoke quietly and smiled slightly.
“I should have protected you. It was my job. I was suppose to be a champion and I let the woman I loved get killed.”
“Angel—“
“No Cordy, I have to tell you; I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, but I was scared to tell you. I was scared you’d reject me, and I was scared that I would lose control of the situation and what happened before, with Bu—“
“Say her name and I’ll kill you…or at least make you deader,” she smiled.
“Cordelia, I’m not joking.”
“Neither am I Angel, now shut up. I don’t want to hear anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because.” She pulled him against her and kissed him. It was the deepest, most loving kiss she had ever experienced. “I love you too Angel.”
Angel stared at her for a moment and then touched her face. The tears began rolling down his cheeks uncontrollably. “Oh Cordy, what have I done? I let him out.”
“You can fix it Angel.”
“How?”
“Go back. Take back control. Make things right.”
“But what about you? What will happen to you?”
“Wings, harps, fluffy white clouds I’d imagine.”
Angel’s face was suddenly serious. “No.”
“What? Angel, you can’t just let him kill everyone. You have to go back there and fix things. People need you. Our family needs you. Your son needs you.”
“Our son,” he whispered with a saddened expression on his face. He knew she was right, but how could he just go back, after everything that had happened?
“Our son. You have to go Angel. I’ll be fine.”
Angel wiped a stray tear from her cheek with his thumb. “I don’t think I can live without you Cor.”
She took his thumb and kissed the salty tear. “You’ll never be without me Angel. I promise you that. How could I abandon my champion?”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
Angel opened his eyes and feel the grief take him over again. He had had Cordelia in his arms and she was gone once again. He collapsed on the floor, shaking uncontrollably. “Cordy!!!” He didn’t even look up as Wesley and Gunn broke through the door and the barricades, ready to kill the beast that had been him. “Cordy…she said that I needed to come back…to make things right…”
“Angelus?”
“She said that only I could fix things…she called me her champion…” He held his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry…is Fred…?”
“In the hospital. They gave her a transfusion. We’re all hoping for the best.” Wesley spoke quietly, still unsure who he was speaking with.
“Are we gonna dust this bastard before he tries anything else or are we just gonna make small talk with him?” Gunn asked angrily.
“Gunn, those things I said…Fred loves you, I know she does. I don’t know how to apologize…”
“Angel?” Wesley asked.
“Wes, I know you must hate me for the things I did and said. I wouldn’t blame you if you never forgave me.”
“Angel, it wasn’t you,” Wesley told him softly and knelt beside the vampire. “We all know that Angelus is always a threat, and we all knew the risks of working with you. You are a vampire, but you are a good man. You are not Angelus. You are not responsible for the things he does.”
“Yes, I am responsible Wesley. I let him out. I let go.”
“Losing someone you love always brings out the worst in someone. For you, it was quite literal. But Cordelia was right Angel, you’re needed here.”
Gunn looked at Angel angrily. “You asshole,” he spoke evenly before punching Angel and walking out the door.
“Gunn!” Wesley called after the young man, but Angel stopped him.
“Let him go Wes. He needs time. I don’t blame him. I almost made him suffer the very thing that let Angelus loose. I almost killed the woman he loves. I’m sorry Wes…”
Wesley smiled slightly in acceptance. He looked at the sketches Angel had made throughout their years together and noticed that Cordelia was a popular subject. “How long have you been in love with her Angel?”
“Since before I met her I think,” Angel answered in a whisper. “I can’t imagine not ever loving her. She accepted me completely, even at my worst. She accepted me and the beast that lurks just beneath the surface. Even when I…he was terrorizing you all, she loved me. She loved me enough to realize that Angelus and I are not just two separate entities. We are the same person Wesley, just light and dark. She accepted the dark side of me, which is something nobody else has ever done. Cordelia…”
Wesley decided that Angel needed some time with his thoughts and to say his final goodbyes to his one true love. He slipped quietly out the door as Angel picked up his paper and pencil.
“How can I go on without you? I had you in my arms and now I’m alone again. Please don’t leave me…”
~*~ Now that I know what I'm without You can't just leave me Breathe into me and make me real Bring me to life~*~
“You were the one person that made me feel alive. You treated me like a normal man. You weren’t afraid to point out my faults or to stand up to me. You weren’t afraid of me…”
~*~ Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead~*~
“I’m just so sorry that I didn’t tell you that I love you before you went away…before you died. I tried to deny it because I was afraid, but I’m not afraid anymore of love anymore. The only thing I’m afraid of is facing life, or un-life, as you would say, without you. I love you Cordelia, and I’m not afraid of it…”
~*~All of this time I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you aint never followed me I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems got to open my eyes to everything~*~
Angel heard the phone ring downstairs in the lobby and heard Wesley talking to someone. “What? Are you certain? Yes, we’ll be right there.” He heard the former watcher climbing the stairs and walking towards his room. He waited for the knock.
~*~(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become~*~
“Angel, that was one of our contacts with the police. It seems there’s a Jane Doe at the hospital…he said that she uncannily resembles Cordelia,” Wesley told him quietly and Angel looked at his friend in disbelief. Could he really be telling him that Cordelia could possibly be alive?
Continue on...