Title: Fragile Memories
Author: Lilyana_vamp
Posted: 04-05-2003
Email: lilyana_vamp@yahoo.com
Rating: NC17
Category: BtVS 3.
Content: B/A (not for long, I promise!), C/A
Summary: Answer to a challenge given to me by tipdip. Cordy has a crush on Angel, but he and Buffy can barely tolerate her presence. Angel loses his memory and then the fun begins.
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution:
Notes:
Feedback:Part 10: Pain
Angel sat beside her, holding her hand tightly. “Cordelia, we’re going to make it go away, okay? We have an idea now of what might be going on.” He talked softly, hoping that his voice might be getting through to her. The thought of her seeing all of those horrible sights was heartbreaking to him. “From what Buffy and I learned, there’s been talk of a young woman that’s become a Seer. The problem is that she’s being overloaded with visions and she physically and emotionally can’t handle that.” He squeezed her hand slightly. “We think you’re that young woman Cordelia. And we’re going to do everything we can to get rid of the visions, to make them go away.”
“NO!!!!” Cordelia screamed and her eyes snapped to his.
“Cordelia?” Angel asked hopefully, a slight smile crossing his lips. “Cordelia, I was so worried.”
“No, you can’t take them away from me,” the girl told him firmly despite her small, shaky voice.
“But Cordelia-“
“No ‘buts’ Angel.” She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. “You can’t take away the visions. They’re all I have.”
“What are you talking about? You have me.” He squeezed her hand again and smoothed her hair with his free hand. “You need to get better, and to do that, we need to get rid-“
“I said no Angel. I’m keeping the visions.” Her voice told him that there was no room for argument. Cordelia’s lower lip quivered slightly as she looked at Angel, his face full of worry, but she saw the love too. The one thing that had been missing after what had happened with Connor. His eyes had looked dead and she couldn’t shake that vision. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered without realizing it.
“For what? You didn’t do anything wrong,” the vampire told her calmly and offered her a smile.
“Didn’t I?”
***
She laid in the darkness, as requested to her nurses and rubbed her raw wrists tenderly. She was glad to have the restraints off, but it didn’t take away the feeling of being trapped. She felt trapped by the visions that repeatedly flashed through her mind’s eye and she felt trapped by the knowledge of what she had done. Or would do? Or would she? Was it the same reality as she was in now?
She ground the heels of her palms into her temples, trying to make the pain in her head go away. She didn’t know which way was up and she didn’t know what vision was trying to tell her what. All she knew was that in some future reality, she had manipulated and destroyed everything that was precious and dear to her, and the worst thing was that she wasn’t even in control and Angel had never realized until it was too late.
Los Angeles, 2003
Angel looked at her still form and lowered his head. Things had gone from bad to worse in a matter of hours it seemed. He hated himself for not realizing that the woman that he loved had been taken over by an evil entity. He hated himself for not helping her when he had the chance. He hated himself for not saving her. But most of all, he hated himself for betraying her.
So many times, Cordelia had told him that she’d stand by his side, no matter what. She’d never leave him and he’d always have her to turn to. And then he had betrayed her trust in him. When things had looked hopeless, he had taken off to Sunnydale, and to Buffy. If she knew about any of that, she surely hated him now too.
When he had seen Buffy, he hadn’t felt the connection like he used to. He hadn’t felt anything except the pain of what had happened in LA and the longing to hold his Seer in his arms. But he had given up on her and dishonored her memory. As she lay, unmoving and helpless in LA, he had been in Sunnydale, trying to forget her.
But he could never forget her. No matter how hard he tried, her smile seemed to penetrate the deepest, darkest recesses of his being. He closed his eyes and she’d be there, waiting for him. She was always happy there, in his mind. That’s how he wanted her to be. He needed her to be happy.
Sunnydale, 1999
She opened her eyes again, holding her head tenderly and gasped for breath as her sight finally began to return to normal. She didn’t understand how a time so lengthy, in respect, could pass through her brain at such a rate and still retained each and every bit of it.
“Cordelia, how are you feeling?” Giles asked softly as he walked into the darkened room.
“Like I’m experiencing a million tortures and deaths without any way to fight,” she answered flatly without looking at him. “And before you say anything, I won’t let you take the visions away.”
“Cordelia, we’re only trying to-“
“Help? Yeah, I know, but I’ve made up my mind on this.” She looked at the Watcher and smiled slightly. “They’re part of me and I can’t give them up.”
“Are you certain? You didn’t have them before and you weren’t any less-“
“Please Giles, trust me on this. I was less before I had them. There’s too much to try and explain to you, and even if I did, I doubt you’d believe me.”
Giles had to laugh slightly, but it wasn’t a patronizing laugh, more of a warm, friendly laugh. “We live on the Hellmouth Cordelia. I’m not sure if there’s anything I wouldn’t believe.”
“Point taken,” she smiled and then looked at her hands. “I just need some time Giles. Maybe I’ll be able to tell you, but for now, these visions, they’re mine. They’re a part of me and they’re my contribution to the good fight.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I see the visions, they’re meant for Angel. He’s supposed to kill the big, evil thing before what happens in my vision comes to be. So that’s what we did last night. I sent him off to kill demons and my headache got a little better. That’s just how it’s suppose to be.”
Giles couldn’t ignore how much older Cordelia suddenly seemed to him, as if she’d lived beyond her years yet still looked to be the same 17 year old she had been just a few days before. Even in her eyes he saw a difference. Maybe it was the visions, but she looked to have seen more in the 24 hours since she had woken up than he had in his entire lifetime.
He jumped when he heard the shriek coming from her and stood helpless as she clutched her head tightly. “Cordelia? What can I do?”
“Get Angel…” she started, gasping for breath as the vision hit her in a full on assault. “Tell him…vampires…outside of the Bronze…around 11…” Her talking was halted by another scream and then, as quickly as she started screaming, she stopped. Her body heaved, trying to bring oxygen into herself. She looked up at Giles and frowned at him. “Hello, mind-splitting migraine not getting any better here. Go, find Angel! Tell him to dust his little heart out. Okay, poor choice of words, but you get the point.” She frowned inwardly and glared at him. “Not a word.”
***
Cordelia made her way carefully to the bathroom, pushing her IV cart in front of her. “Come on you stupid octopus, stop getting your damn feet caught on everything,” she muttered and then stood in front of the sink, staring at herself in the mirror. She stared at the girl, but she didn’t recognize her.
Her short, dark hair fell limply against her cheeks, and her eyes were dark and hollow. Her once tanned skin now seemed almost transparent, and her lips were dried and cracked. Cordelia tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it didn’t want to seem to give. She reached a frail hand out and touched the mirror, hoping to, in some way, comfort the stranger staring back at her. She looked so lost and alone.
Cordelia’s tears welled up and began spilling down her cheeks freely. She wiped at them with her hands and then looked in horror as she saw the red liquid covering her fingers. She watched as the blood dripped into the sink, running off her hands in an angry, accusing river and she began to shake. She knew whose blood was on her hands and she pressed her hands to her eyes, trying to rid herself of the memory and of the sight of Lilah’s blood covering her.
She stumbled back, away from the sink and mirror and slumped against the opposite wall, sliding to the floor and pulling her knees against her chest. All the things she had done, all of the people she had hurt, and they were all staring at her accusingly. She looked around the bathroom, at her friends, at Connor, at Lilah, and at Angel. They all returned her stare, their eyes empty and, simultaneously, full of hatred. She had killed them all in one way or another.
Now she only wished one of them had killed her. She didn’t want to see them anymore. She couldn’t handle the sight of them, their faces full of betrayal, distrust and sorrow. She knew she was the cause of it and she pressed her face into her bloodied hands, wishing them all away, wishing herself away.
“Cordelia.” She looked up to see Angel’s angry, hurt and betrayed eyes cutting into her. She wished they were really cutting into her. She didn’t want to hurt him anymore. Maybe if he hurt her, his pain would go away. She grabbed at the IV tubes and held them tightly in her hand. “Cordelia, you hurt me in ways that no one has ever hurt me before. I never want to see you again.” She nodded. Her eyes never left his as she tightly wound the tubes around her neck.
As her vision began to darken, the spots forming in her eyes, she never broke eye contact with Angel. Her eyes never left his until they didn’t see anymore. She didn’t thrash for the deprived oxygen. She didn’t try to scream. She listened to him tell her how she had killed any love that they had had. How he could never love someone who had killed a woman in cold blood and then turned his own son against him. She understood. She believed him. That’s exactly how she felt about herself. She just closed her eyes and waited for the pain to go away.
“Cordelia! No!”
Part 11: Prisoner
Angel was surprised to come into Cordelia’s room and find it empty. “Cordelia?” He saw the light glowing from under the bathroom door and knocked lightly on it. “Cordelia? Are you okay?”
When he didn’t receive an answer, he opened the door to find her slumped against the bathroom wall, her IV tubes wrapped tightly around her neck. Her eyes were glassy and the skin on her face was a sickly purple color. He stood in shock at the sight before snapping into action. “Cordelia! No!” He ran to her side and began to unwind the tubes frantically. As they loosened, he heard her involuntary gasp for breath and held her to his chest protectively. “Cordelia, what were you thinking?” he whispered, resting his cheek against the top of her head.
“I’m so sorry,” she gasped hoarsely.
“No, don’t. You need to rest.” He picked her up and carried her back into the main room, pulling her IV cart behind him. He set her on her bed and lay beside her, holding her to him tightly. He was afraid if he let go of her, he’d lose her for good. “You can’t leave me Cordelia. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Go back to Buffy,” she told him quietly.
“Why would I do that? It’s you that I love.”
“Now you say that. But when things get bad, you’ll go back to Buffy.”
“You don’t know that,” he told her, tilting her face toward his with his fingertips. “I won’t leave you Cordelia. I’ll always be with you, even when things get tough. Especially when things get tough.”
“Don’t say that Angel, because it isn’t true,” she told him sadly. “I know what you’ll do Angel, and it’s not standing by me when I need you the most.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You aren’t suppose to.” She rolled away from him and closed her eyes, trying to shut away the tears. “I need to be alone.”
“So you can try and kill yourself again? That’s not going to happen Cordelia. I’m not going anywhere,” he told her firmly and shrugged his coat off, throwing it over the bedside chair.
“Fine, then let me sleep.”
Angel wrapped an arm around her waist, keeping her as close to him as possible. His eyes were drawn to her neck and the ligature marks left by her would-be noose. They were angry and purple already and he knew he’d have to explain to the nurses how he had found her.
***
“I don’t need twenty-four hour surveillance,” she sighed at the group that had chosen to watch the Saturday night movies crowded in her hospital room.
“Sure you do Cordy. Remember, you tried to strangle yourself with your IV’s,” Xander answered and stuffed a handful of popcorn in his mouth as he sat heavily on the foot of her bed.
“Did I ever say that I tried to strangle myself? That was Angel’s interpretation. Maybe I just fell and got wrapped up in the tubes…four or five times.” She rolled her eyes at Giles’ disapproving expression. “Okay, well that doesn’t mean that you all need to have a cozy little sleepover in my room!”
“Well, you know Cordy, nothing says being held hostage like a big bowl of popcorn and twelve hours of ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’,” Willow smiled and handed her the bowl before Xander ate all of it’s contents.
“I can hardly contain my excitement.”
“Come on you guys, it’s starting!” Xander cried as he flipped over onto his stomach and reached blindly for the absent bowl. “Hey, where’d the buttery goodness go?”
“Hey, I’m the injured one here. I deserve the buttery goodness,” Cordelia smiled sarcastically and held the bowl close to her chest. If she had to be stuck for the night with the people that caused her to be put in the hospital in the first place, she at least needed some comfort food. And some Angel would have been nice too.
As if on cue, the tall, dark vampire entered the room and threw off his long jacket. “Did I miss anything?”
“Don’t tell me you knew about this!” Cordelia cried out as he took his normal spot beside her on the bed.
“Yeah,” he shrugged and grimaced at the popcorn. “Do you have any idea what they put in that stuff to make it taste like butter?”
“No, and I’m not dying to find out.”
“They use—“
She shushed him with her finger and a strange, strangled sound. “I said I don’t want to know. Do not deny me the pleasure of my artificially flavored buttery popcorn or you shall suffer the consequences.”
***
Angel looked at her sleeping, seemingly peaceful form and smiled slightly. He only wished she was that at peace when she was awake, but ever since she ended up in the hospital, she had been far from at peace. She seemed to be plagued with horrible memories, but he couldn’t, for the life, or unlife as it may be, of him figure out what they were.
He kissed her forehead lightly and slid out from beneath her and looked around at the sleeping group. Some lifeguards they were turning out to be, all of them sound asleep. He nudged the Watcher awake and pointed out at the sky, silently telling him that he had to leave because sunrise was approaching.
Giles nodded and sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He chuckled as he took in the view in front of him. Cordelia slept snugly in her bed, Xander curled at the foot like some kind of puppy or kitten. Willow was curled up in a chair nearby, one arm draped over the side, a pretzel still hooked onto one finger and her hat half-hanging off her head. Buffy, who had shown up later on the night before was huddled on the low cabinet in front of the window, her knees pulled up to her chest and a small amount of drool running from her mouth.
Outside of the room, Angel was suddenly surprised by Xander’s voice behind him. “Leaving so soon Deadboy?”
“Go back to sleep Xander. I don’t have time for this,” Angel warned without turning to the boy.
“Why don’t you have time? Oh, right, because you’re a vampire and you have to run and hide from the sunshine.”
“I don’t run and hide from anything Harris. I just know who and what my enemies are, the ones that I can’t fight and I choose not to test them. You should take that as a lesson.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“Tell me something Xander,” Angel said in a low voice as he turned around. “How far did you take things with Cordelia?”
“I don’t think that’s any of your business since you two weren’t even together,” Xander answered bitterly.
“No, I think it’s very much my business since technically, we were together at the time. It was because of Buffy and Willow’s spell that she didn’t remember. So how far did you take advantage of her?” He dared the boy to answer him truthfully.
“We didn’t do what you’re accusing us of,” Xander told him honestly but again bitterly. “Nothing more than what we had done before.”
“So, it was a regular grope-fest in the janitor’s closet all over again? Tell me Xander, didn’t you think it was the slightest bit wrong to play her like that? What did you think, since she didn’t remember then anything was fair game?”
“Basically-“ Xander started but was cut off by a large, strong fist connecting with his face. He stumbled back and held his bleeding nose as he looked into Angel’s dark eyes. He took a swing of his own but the vampire caught his fist easily and twisted his arm behind him.
“Tell me something else: What was it that sent Cordelia running that night? What did she see that caused her to run away crying and end up getting impaled on a rebar on the floor below?”
“Willow and I were kiss-“
Angel threw the boy up against the wall violently and left him on the floor, bloodied and bruised. He knew that he hadn’t hurt Xander badly, just enough to teach him a lesson, but he was sure he’d get an earful from Buffy. “Bring it on. I have so much to say to you too Buffy,” he muttered under his breath as he made his way out into the waning moonlight.
Los Angeles, 2003
“I know what I have to do. I did it for Connor because I knew there wasn’t any hope left for him. Not after what he had done and was going to do. He’d never be able to live with himself if I had let him do that.”
“But Angel, this is Cordelia!” Fred exclaimed and held onto his arm tightly. “You can’t just…it’s wrong! And who’s Connor?”
He chose to ignore her question about his son and looked at the girl beside him. “Fred, I don’t have a choice. Do you think Cordy would want to be like this? What do you think she would say if she could talk to us right now?” He turned his gaze to the woman who lay seemingly lifeless on the bed and felt the tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
Sunnydale, 1999
Cordelia screamed out in pain as the images flashed through her skull and then ceased completely. She sat up and looked around at the eyes that stared at her in worry and plastered on a fake smile. “I’m good. Just a bad dream. Go back to your own little dreams.”
“Are you sure Cordelia?” Giles asked with concern.
“Yup. Peachy keen here!” she answered and settled herself back in her bed, resisting the urge to hold her head and cry in pain.
She had never been so confused before in her life. Here she was, stuck in a world that she never remembered happening, but at the same time felt right and true. And then, in the same instance, she had memories of things that she never remembered happening, things in the future. How could both worlds seem right to her when they were so very different?
Not only had she become a prisoner of her hospital room, she had become a prisoner of her own memories of past and future.
TBC