just fic



Title: Welcome to Sunnydale
Author: Keira
Posted: A Long time ago on one of the old boards.
Rating:
Email: keiraandrews@hotmail.com
Content:
Summary:
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution:
Notes: I said in the beginning that Angel hadn't been back to Sunnydale since he went to L.A. He's actually been back three times, but I forgot about the first two. So, not only did "Forever" not happen, neither did the other visits, alrighty? Oh, and I'm taking some liberties with the layout of the Magic Shop.
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Part 1

It's been six months since it happened. Since we came back from Pylea to find Willow sitting alone in the lobby. Since Buffy died.

The trip's only two hours, and we've spent most of it in silence. Well, I put the new Coldplay CD on, but other than that, no one's talking. Angel, Wes and I are all caught up in our own thoughts, our own memories.

It's the first time any of us have returned to Sunnydale since we left two years ago. I wish it wasn't for this. It's Buffy's birthday, and Dawn wants to have everyone together. Of course we said yes, but I think we're all a little afraid.

Afraid to go back there.

Afraid of becoming what we were. Lovesick. Shallow. Pompous.

Going back to Sunnydale is like visiting the scene of the crime.

* * *

It's been...weird. I never thought I'd be so upset. I mean, we all knew (Buffy included), that her number was going to be up at some point.

But you're still never ready for it.

I mean, how many apocalypses did she avert? How many demons did she beat? You just never expect her to actually...be mortal.

Angel was shell-shocked at first. Numb. I think we all were. The look on Willow's face is something I'm never going to forget, as long as I live.

We were all hit hard. Well, except Gunn and Fred. They didn't know her, of course. They tried to help, but really, there was nothing they could do. So Gunn took Fred under his wing and helped get her settled back in L.A.

Angel gave her money for an apartment. I have no idea where Angel gets his money from sometimes, but he always seems to have it if we really need it.

Wesley retreated into his old insecure persona, berating himself all over again for his failure as a Watcher. Even though it doesn't have anything to do with what happened.

That first night was hard. Willow, Wesley, Angel and I sat around the lobby, Willow telling us everything that had happened. We were shocked to hear about Joyce as well. Angel was upset that he hadn't been there for her. Typical Angel, always wanting to make things better. But not really knowing how most of the time. Hey, who does?

The news about Dawn was also a shocker. This key thing. Those monks sure did a hell of a job with the fake memories, let me tell you.

Willow left in the morning, and Wes went home. I left too, but half-way home I turned around.

Angel was still sitting where I'd left him on the couch. Staring into nothing. He hadn't shed a single tear all night. I never thought I'd cry about Buffy more than Angel.

I knew he was holding it all in. Not wanting to believe it. No matter how much your life has changed, or how much time and distance is between you, it still hurts to lose someone you loved that much. I know Xander's death would hit me hard and fast. Some of those feelings always linger.

I didn't say anything, just kneeled beside him on the couch.

He didn't look at me.

Just crumpled into my arms, huge sobs finally wracking his body.

I held him and rocked him for what seemed like forever.

* * *

We've talked about it a lot, Angel and I. Sat up on the roof at night, and talked and talked and talked. About Buffy. About everything, really.

I've never been as close to anyone as I am to Angel now. We've worked through all his feelings about Buffy together, and now he's actually doing pretty damn well. He's grieved, and he's moved on.

He doesn't mope about her anymore. Sure, sometimes it hits him. But it hits me too. For all our differences, Buffy was my friend. I've done my fair share of grieving.

But life does go on, and you have to let go.

I love our roof talks. We've opened ourselves up to each other in ways I never thought we would. I told him all my insecurities, all my fears. He's been there for me just as much as I have for him.

We've hashed out the whole Darla thing. He told me he slept with her. I was pissed at first, of course.

Then he looked at me with those eyes, and said "I just wanted to feel...something." How can I stay mad at him? Sure, he made mistakes, pushed me away. But he's my friend, and I love him.

The Host (it's weird calling him Lorne, I just can't get used to it) told me how worried Angel and the guys were when I got sucked into Pylea. Especially Angel. How he imagined me all alone and scared, how his voice shook, and he didn't care if he never came back. Just that he had to find me.

After he told me that I went to see Angel. He was in his room, reading. Probably poetry, I think it was William Blake.

I burst in launched myself onto his lap, wrapping my arms around him so tight. Crying that I was sorry for never saying thank-you. I mean, they came to Pylea to rescue me, and I expected them to grovel. Sure, I was kidding. But I never did say thank-you.

So I hugged him tight and sobbed my regret. He just held me and rubbed my back and stroked my hair. Told me he knew, that it was okay. But really, it wasn't okay. I should have said thank-you a long time ago.

Like I said, we've worked through a lot of issues. He's my best friend, no doubt in the world.

You know, I think this reunion/celebration is going to be good for us. It'll really put the past in the past. Theraputic.

Of course, therapy isn't always easy.

* * *

Well, there it is. The "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign.

We're here. We pull up in front of the good old Magic Shop. Funny that Giles owns it now. Makes sense though. I know Wes is going to be like a kid in a candy store. I mean, Willow told us that this isn't supposed to be a sad event. Dawn wants us to celebrate Buffy's life, not mourn it. Kinda like a wake, I guess. Everyone's coming, and we're supposed to remember Buffy fondly.

It's like a reunion, and hopefully, it will be a fairly happy one.

We get out of the car and stand silently in front of the store. I move between Angel and Wes and take each of their hands in my own. I give them a squeeze, and we all look at each other.

And smile. Because no matter what memories resurface here in Sunnydale, we've got each other, and that's the only thing that matters.


Part 2

"Knock, knock. Hello?"

I open the door to the shop and peer at the interior. I never really frequented the Magic Shop when I lived here, so I can't say whether it's changed.

Giles, Willow, Xander and Anya sit around a round table. Giles rises to greet us.

"Why, hello. Did you have a safe drive?"

"Yep, here we are, all in one piece."

He kisses me on the cheek and I realize that it is, really, really good to see Giles. I didn't know how much I missed him until right now. Such a father to all of us, even me. He smiles at me fondly, and I impulsively wrap my arms around him.

"It's good to see you, Giles."

"Yes, you too." He hugs me back and smiles again. He seems touched. I register the expressions of surprise from the rest of the gang. I guess I don't blame them, I wasn't exactly the huggy type when they knew me.

Giles greets Wesley warmly shaking hands. He then turns to Angel, and I cringe inwardly. I know Giles has Angel issues, and I can't really blame him. I also know that it's something that haunts Angel, something he regrets deeply.

But Giles extends his hand, and sincerely tells Angel it's good to see him. I can sense Angel's relief, and I'm happy that at least this one thing can bring him a bit of happiness.

I stand awkwardly in front of the others as another girl enters the room.

"Oh, this is Tara."

Ah, Willow's girlfriend.

"Hi, Tara." I walk forward and shake her hand, flashing a big smile. "It's so nice to meet you."

Again, I see the surprise in their faces. Was I really that bad?

"And it's good to see all of you again."

"Yeah, it's good to see you too, Cordelia." Xander seems nervous. We all stand there for a few more moments, not knowing what to do.

Willow hugs Angel and Wesley and Xander shakes Wesley's hand. He nods to Angel, although Angel's hand is partly extended. Geez, Xander. Get over it already.

More introductions follow, and then Dawn comes in from apparently finishing her homework.

It's so strange to see her. I mean, I remember her growing up. But it never really happened, she's made up. Bizarre. We all hug her, and she seems glad to see us.

"So."

Everyone just stares at each other. Wow, this is going to be fun.

* * *

A few hours later we're at the mansion on Crawford Street, trying to get rid of the dust and clean up a bit.

"We can just stay at a hotel you know, you shouldn't have to stay here."

"Angel, why waste money on a hotel? This is still your house, we might as well use it." He can be so exasperating sometimes.

"Yes, just needs a bit of spit and polish. I think we've done fairly well, myself. I'm going to go find a room and get some sleep."

"'Night, Wes."

Angel just sighs and sinks into the couch. It must be weird for him to be back here.

"Lots of memories, huh?"

"Yeah. It's...strange. So many things have happened here. I found this in a trunk."

He holds up an old doll. Um, okay.

Oh, wait. Must be Dru's. I know she's a subject of a great deal of guilt for him. I sit beside him and take the doll from his hands.

"Angel, you can't dwell on the past. "

"I know."

"Yeah, you know. But you're just saying that. Really, you have to get past this. And everything else. You've done so well this summer. You're a good person, Angel. Don't beat yourself up. Okay?"

"Okay."

He smiles at me and leans forward to give me a kiss on the cheek. For a split second I think he's going to really kiss me. But that's crazy, what am I thinking? Must be the exhaustion talking.

"Well, off to bed then. Tomorrow's going to be a big day."

He smiles again, ruefully.

* **

The "festivities", if you can call them that, are planned for this evening. Dawn decided on the Magic Shop. She lives in an apartment with Willow and Tara now. They decided the house just had too many memories. Besides, the mortgage was pretty high.

Hank Summers is pretty much an ass. After they finally got in touch with him to tell him about Joyce and Buffy, he barely visited Dawn. Seems he's enjoying his middle-age crisis too much to be saddled with a teenaged girl.

But Dawn was happy to stay in Sunnydale, stay near the Scoobies.

I didn't sleep too well last night. Too many thoughts going through my head, and I could hear Angel brooding in the other room. I know brooding doesn't technically make any noise, but I can always feel it now when he's in that mode. The air is thick with it.

Angel's obviously spending the day inside, and Wes has plans to look at lots of old mystical-type stuff with Giles.

So, I guess I get to go see my mother.

Great.

* * *

Lord, nothing's changed. She's lying in a darkened room, moaning and groaning about how horrible she feels.

We make small talk. It's painful. I haven't really been close to my mother in...well, ever, really.

But still, I'm spending the day with her. She's going to try to raise herself from her "sickbed" long enough to go to lunch.

Her apartment is still pretty nice, considering what I was living in when I first go to L.A. Gee, I guess there was still some money stashed somewhere.

We discuss my father. He's in a minimum security prison, basically a country club. White collar crime, and all that. His cell is probably nicer than my first L.A. apartment too.

This is going to be a long day.

* * *

Whew. At least that's over. Buffy's wake-type thingy should be a snap next to a day with my mother.

I bid her adieu with a sigh of relief.

It's almost 7pm, so I'd better get over to the Magic Shop. Everyone should be there by now, Willow said Oz was coming too. She said he came back a few months ago and they managed to talk and not be too weird with each other. He was just passing through to see his parents, but he gave Willow his email address. She said he was in Europe, but didn't hesitate to come back for this. He missed the funeral, so he really wanted to come. Oz is such a great guy. Always has been, always will be.

It's getting dark, winter's coming.

Blah. I hate being on the streets of Sunnydale at night alone. I mean, I have good reason to be afraid, so I don't think I'm being paranoid.

I'm halfway down Main Street when the searing pain rips through my skull.

Uh oh.


Part 3

My knees buckle and I brace myself with one hand on the sidewalk, while my other hand clutches my head.

Demons. Graveyard. Little boy. Ceremony. Sacrifice. Oh god, eating him alive. I cry out in agony as I feel his terror, the demon's teeth ripping into his, my flesh.

The images fade, and I crumple to the ground, breathing heavily. The immediate images may go away, but the feelings and the memories don't.

A woman stops to see if I'm okay. I put on my brave smile and tell her I have a migraine condition, but I'm fine now, thank-you for your concern. Standard operating procedure for visions had in public.

I get up and move quickly through the streets to the Magic Shop.

It's locked. God damn it. No one's here yet. A note on the door: "Closed for private function. Gone to pick up food, back soon."

Too bad this little boy can't wait.

* * *

Angel's cell isn't on. "The person you are trying to reach is away from the phone. Please try again later." Probably the most frustrating recorded message known to man.

I don't know where anyone is.

Thoughts of the boy run riot through my mind, filling my senses. I can't leave him alone to die like that. I just can't.

Well, good to see the residents of Sunnydale have finally noticed that being out after dark isn't really a good thing. I move quickly through town, as it becomes increasingly deserted.

* * *

It's strange to be here. With all these people that were a part of my life, yet whom I didn't really consider friends. I mean, I guess they were my friends. More Buffy's friends and then mine through association. Of course I also tried to kill them all, tends to upset people.

We all started arriving a few minutes ago, just after Anya and Giles had arrived with the food and drinks.

It's good to see Oz, his gentle demeanour the same even after all he's been through. Willow and Tara seem very happy, and I'm glad. Even Xander seems happy with that new girl...Anya, that's right.

Giles and Wes have had a great time catching up with each other this afternoon. I can tell that Giles is impressed by how much Wes has grown. He's not the coward he once was, that's for sure.

The others don't seem too eager to get to know the new Wesley. Or the new me for that matter.

Of course, I guess standing in the corner against the bookshelf doesn't really make me too approachable. More like the old me. I should really try to blend more. Cordy will be mad if I'm being a wallflower when she gets here. I look at my watch. She should be here soon.

So far, everyone is laughing and talking, and not being too sad. Dawn is in the middle of it, and she really does look happy to be remembering her sister like this. I grab a beer from the spread Anya set up, and go to join in.

Yep, this is good for me. I just have to keep telling myself that.

* * *

This is the last pay phone before the cemetary. Still can't get Angel's cell. No answer at the Magic Shop. How can they not be there yet?

Well, I guess it's just me. I can do this. Never underestimate a May Queen.

Right?

Okay, I need a weapon. Convenience store is the only thing still open. Thankfully they have some kid's stuff at the front, so a baseball bat it's going to have to be.

Oh yeah, me and my baseball bat against the sharp-teeth demons.

I'm really going to die this time.

I try the phone again, but still no one picks up on either number.

Maybe something happened, and they're off fighting too. Maybe the same demons?

A girl can hope.

* * *

This is actually...fun. We're all sitting around, drinking and laughing. Reminds me of wakes we used to have back home in Ireland. It's a nice feeling, to be with these people again, and to remember Buffy like this.

The phone rings, but Anya says that you can't have a phone at an old-fashioned wake, so she turns the ringer off. Besides, business can wait for another day.

"Hey, where's Cordelia?" Dawn asks.

I look at my watch again. Hmm, she must be having a good day with her mother after all.

"She probably went shopping, you know Queen C." Everyone laughs at Xander's comment.

I'm going to say something about how they actually don't know Cordy at all anymore, but something stops me. This is the first time I've ever felt...accepted, really and truly by these people. So, why start something? Things are going so well.

Wes looks at me, and I know he's thinking the same thing.

"Well, hey, the stores are closing, so she should be here soon!" We all laugh at Dawn's joke. I mean, it's true, she does still love to shop, right?

I'm sure she'll be here soon.

I reach for another drink as Anya starts a story about her demon days.

* * *

You know what would be great? A flashlight. It's pretty dark here in the graveyard. You know what would be better? Having some back-up.

Suddenly Spike is standing in front of me.

"Jesus!"

"Sorry, try again. Although I do like to be worshipped."

"Spike, you scared the crap out of me. But...you can't bite, right?"

He sighs.

"Yeah, that's right. I've come to terms with it though. Not much bloody choice, really. You look smashing as ever, by the way. What are you doing skulking about here all by your lonesome?"

"Okay, here's the Reader's Digest version: I'm a seer now, I get visions from the Powers That Be, and there's a little boy who's about to get eaten alive, somewhere in this cemetary. I can't get in touch with Angel or anyone else for that matter, and I could really use some help."

"Well, then, what are we waiting for?"

He extends his elbow. I smile slightly, and we're off.

* * *

Spike's an amazing fighter. So graceful, like Angel. It didn't take him long to sniff out the demons and I managed to get the boy away from them while he started breaking their necks.

My baseball bat did come in handy, although I must say those demon brains sure do splatter.

My new white shirt is pretty much covered in blood and goo. Oh well.

I'm also pretty banged up, and I'm limping on my left foot. Twisted ankle, always fun. But hey, I'm alive, and so is the boy.

Spike carries him in one arm, telling funny stories to make him feel better. His other arm is looped around my shoulder, trying to support me as I walk.

Spike is...surprising. He's being nice. To both of us. Willow had mentioned that he'd been in love with Buffy, and that even though he doesn't have a soul, he cares about some things.

Interesting.

The little boy isn't scraped up too bad, and we drop him on his porch. No point in sticking around for the explanation to the parents, so we hightail it out of there.

* * *

"So, you'd better go in then, pet. Unless you want to go get cleaned up and have a drink."

"No, I'm late enough as it is. But what about you? I thought you helped out a lot in the end, and you cared about Buffy."

"Yeah, but I wasn't invited. Dawn wanted me to come, but the others try to keep her away from me. Don't think I'm a good influence. Can't blame them, I suppose."

"Look, you just saved that kid's life, and most likely mine too. Come on. Besides, I bet Angel is worried sick. He'll be grateful that you helped, and maybe you guys can work out some of your issues."

He starts to protest, but I open the door and we go inside the Magic Shop. Hmm, they all seem to be more in the back. Must have set things up around the corner from the actual shop part of the shop. Makes sense.

"Wait here, I'll go talk to them."

I head around the corner to find them all sitting around a big round table, eating, drinking, and pretty much being merry. Not really worrying about me so much. Like, at all.

Well, good, I guess. Yet I resent it just a little bit, considering I could have used some help tonight.

"So, you don't answer the phone anymore?"

They all look up, Angel's face going even paler than usual. He leaps up at the sight of all the blood and goo and rushes over.

"Cordy, what happened?"

"It's okay, just some demons trying to sacrifice a little boy. I called your cell phone a million times, not to mention the shop."

He looks down guiltily.

"You don't even have it with you, do you?"

"Uh, I must have forgot."

"Don't worry about it Angel, it's done now." Everyone is just staring at me, not knowing what to say, confused.

But a thought hits me. Where did they think I was? I'm pretty late for this shindig. They seem to have been here for quite a while, I probably just missed them when I came by. So, they didn't know where I was, yet they still didn't answer the phone?

I would have thought at least Angel and Wes would have been slightly worried. The other's don't know about the visions, I didn't really want to tell them. But Angel and Wes do.

I make my tone light-hearted, I don't want to seem like a bitch here.

"So, guys, where did you think I was? It would have been nice if you'd answered the phone."

"Well, we all just figured you stopped off to go shopping or something."

Everyone nods at Angel's words.

I feel as if my blood has stilled in my veins, and I become very still.

Shopping?

I don't say anything for a few seconds, and when I do, my voice is quiet, steely.

"You thought I skipped out on Buffy's wake, memorial, whatever, to go shopping?"

I can see the panic in Angel and Wes' eyes. The realization that they've just screwed up, and big.

"No, no, we didn't think that. I...I guess we weren't thinking. We should have known something was wrong, Cordy, I'm sorry."

There's panic in Angel's voice as his words tumble out in a rush. Everyone else just looks slightly puzzled.

"What's the big deal, it's not like it's a great leap in logic..."

"Shut-up, Xander, just shut-up." Wesley joins Angel in front of me, his eyes anxious.

I don't say anything. I can't remember feeling this hurt. Maybe when Angel unceremoniously kicked me to the curb last year.

I can understand the others jumping to that conclusion, brushing me off. But Wesley and Angel? They really thought I was so self-involved that I'd be this late to Buffy's wake?

"Cordy..." Angel's voice is imploring, and he moves forwards to put his hands on my shoulders.

I push him away, and start backing up.

"Just...don't talk to me, Angel. Either of you. Just...leave me alone. You...you didn't even worry that I'd had a vision?"

Eyebrows raise at my statement, and confused glances abound amongst the Scoobies.

"Vision?"

Giles speaks up, but Angel silences him with his hand.

"You're right, Cordy, I'm so sorry. What happened? You're hurt, you're limping."

He tries to touch me again, but I angrily push him away.

"Don't touch me. Don't worry about, why don't you just have another drink? Besides, I didn't need your help anyway."

"But...."

Spike chooses this moment to make his grand entrance. And I'm glad.

"What, Granddad, think you're the only one who can fight a few demons?"

He's enjoying this thoroughly, smirking at Angel. They do indeed have issues. Angel tenses up on seeing Spike, as does almost everyone else. Except Dawn.

"Spike, you're not welcome here." Giles' voice is firm.

"Listen, Spike just saved not only the little boy who was going to be eaten alive, but also me, since I couldn't have fought them alone. I was pretty damn lucky to run into him, and he didn't have to help me out."

He smiles lightly at my words. Hey, they're true.

"Cordelia, Spike is..."

"Stop right there, Angel. I don't care what you think about Spike. I know he helped me tonight, and that's pretty much all that matters."

I turn to Spike.

"What was that you were saying about a drink?"

He extends his elbow again, a grin on his face.

"Cordy, I'm not going to let you...."

Oh, Angel. Don't even try it. I interrupt him again as I take Spike's arm, my voice dripping with venom.

"Let me, Angel? I don't think you want to go there, do you?"

And with that, Spike and I take our leave, heads high.

Screw them.

A drink sounds pretty good right about now.


Part 4

So, is one of you going to explain?"

Silence had descended on the room, settling over all of us. Willow's words wake me from my shocked contemplation of just how badly I've screwed up. I move quickly towards the door.

"Angel, let her go, let her cool down."

"Wesley, get out of my way, I'm not letting her go anywhere with Spike."

I spit the words out, angry at myself. Angry at Spike, over a century of bad feelings coming forth.

"Spike won't hurt her." Dawn's quiet voice floats across the room.

"She's right, I mean, he may be a soulless killer, but he can't hurt a fly. He may annoy her to death, although I'd say they're pretty evenly matched."

I turn towards Xander, I can feel my eyes flashing yellow, anger enveloping me.

"Just what is that supposed to mean?" My voice is quiet, even. Deadly.

"Xander, stop talking about Cordelia like that, it's pretty obvious things have changed." Willow approaches me, her words and my gaze silencing Xander.

"Angel, what's this about visions?"

I look at all the expectant faces and sigh heavily. I know that the damage with Cordy has been done, and that she won't listen to me right now. I sit down again.

"Oz, do you remember our friend Doyle?"

* * *

I pull a clean shirt over my head, and with a sad smile, toss my ruined one into the garbage can. Oh well, that's the way it goes, huh?

I feel a lot better after my quick shower, the smell of demon blood washed away. Spike complained about having to stop off at the mansion, but sorry, there's no way, no how, I'm going for a drink covered in stinky goo.

I come down the stairs, and there's no sign of Spike. Maybe he changed his mind? Then I catch sight of his platinum hair gleaming from the backyard.

I watch him from the doors. He's standing in the middle of the courtyard, staring up at the stars. He has a look of such immense sadness that I feel my heart constrict.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself. Ready to go now?"

He's still looking up, breathing in deep, unnecessary breaths. I'm about to ask if he's...okay, when he speaks again.

"Do you ever miss the past so much you can taste it? Smell it? Feel it?"

"Um, yeah. I guess so."

"Dru used to stand out here for hours, looking up at the stars. Coming here tonight, I realized that I haven't thought about her in months. Not even once. It's been all about...Buffy. She's consumed me, even now that she's gone. But being here...it brings it all back. Dru, everything."

"I'm...I'm sorry."

I realize that isn't a lie. I am sorry. I mean, yeah, Spike's a soulless killer. But is he? Why did he help me tonight? How can he feel things so deeply? Why does he care about Dawn, now that Buffy's dead? Can beings, demons ever change? I guess it's that whole nature vs. nurture debate, right?

All I know is that right now I can feel Spike's pain, coming off him in waves. He looks so lost, so forlorn. What must that be like? To have spent what, a hundred years with Dru? I know that even though he and Angel profess to hate each other, they have a lot more in common than they'd like to think.

"I just wish I knew."

"Knew what, Spike?"

"Where I'm going."

"Where you're going? Are you thinking about moving or something?"

"Well that's just it, I don't know. Where am I going in this world? What's next?" He's still looking at the stars, he hasn't looked at me once. "I've accepted it, I'm never going to get this chip out. Even then, I...I feel these things. I care about people. How is that possible? I helped you tonight, and I could have just let you toddle off on your own. I don't understand it, really. Can't explain it."

"I don't know, Spike. I wish I could give you some answers. I know what it's like...to not know your place, to not know what's going to happen, where you fit in."

"I just don't know what to do now. I don't fit anywhere. The demons don't want me, and besides Dawn, the humans don't either. I just...what do I do now? Float along, existing? I keep waiting for something to...happen. I don't know what, just something."

Suddenly I know what I do. How to help him.

Then a memory floats over me. Sitting with Willow in a storage closet, praying that Spike and his minions don't find us and tear our throats out. And now I'm going to help him?

Well, he's hopeless, isn't he? Life's a funny thing. I'd never have thought the day would come when I'd want to help Spike. I should have learned a long time ago to never say never.

* * *

She's with Spike. How can I just sit here doing nothing while my Cordelia is out with him? Wait...my Cordelia? Where did that come from? I mean, she's my best friend, but...she's not mine.

Yet the protectiveness I feel is mixed in with other emotions. Emotions I don't want to name. Not while I'm sitting here in the Magic Shop, surrounded by Buffy's closest friends and family. How can I be thinking like this?

"Wow, I can't believe everything that's happened. I feel like such a jerk for making those jokes about Cordy."

No one argues with Xander, not even Anya. They all stare guiltily at each other, then look at the floor. Yeah, he's a jerk alright. I remember how he broke her heart, betrayed her.

God, I'd love to tear him apart, piece by piece. Tie him up, toy with him first. Maybe then I'd cut his tongue out, so he couldn't make any more smart remarks. Next bamboo (or a suitable substitute) under the fingernails. Ah, yes, an oldie, but a classic....

"Angel? Hellllo?"

I snap to attention, and all eyes are on me.

"Sorry, I was just thinking. What did you say, Wes?"

"I was just saying that perhaps we should head back to the mansion, everyone's ready to call it a night."

"Right, let's head back. I'm sorry for how things turned out."

Everyone shushes me, tells me it's not my fault, etc. As we're leaving, Giles stops me.

"Angel, I'd love to talk to Cordelia in-depth about these visions. It's absolutely fascinating. Do you think after she's calmed down you could ask her to come by?"

I nod and tell him what he wants to hear. Honestly, all I can think about right now is getting back to the mansion and seeing her. Please, let her be there.

Wes and I had walked over the shop, and we walk back in silence for a time.

"So, we've really buggered things up quite nicely, haven't we?"

"Yeah, Wes, I guess we have. We...we shouldn't have cared what they thought, and we should have told them that she's changed. We should have stood up for her." We walk in silence again as shame surrounds us, shadowing every step.

I walk quickly into the mansion when we get there, knowing that she'd been here. I can smell the combination of her sweet scent with the demon blood from earlier. Spike was here too, a cigarette butt lays crushed on the ground.

Then it hits me.

"Wes, where's my car?"

* * *

The bar's smoky and packed, another busy night. But he sees us right away, coming over with a curious smile.

"Well hello there gorgeous. Oh, and hi Cordy."

Ha ha. He pulls that lame joke every time Angel and I come in.

"Lorne, this is my...uh, friend Spike."

"Well, well, hello there. Feeling a little lost, my lamb? Come now, don't be shy. Pick a song, any song...."


Part 5

The crowd quiets as Spike takes the stage. I have to admit, there's always been something about him. He has a way of making you take notice.

I remember Angel in chains, being skewered with hot pokers.

Staring at Spike over a crossbow, knowing I'd never be able to be close to killing him.

`You look smashing!'

Yep, there have been some interesting times with Spike. Of course, this beats all. Spike swallows a shot of whiskey, then picks up the microphone. Lorne sits beside me, watching intently. The crowd instinctively quiets. Spike just always seems to have that effect on people. He starts to sing, and I don't think anyone remembers to breathe.

There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all
I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

It was many years ago that I became what I am
I was trapped in this life like an innocent lamb
Now I can never show my face at noon
And you'll only see me walking by the light of the moon
The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

She walks everyday through the streets of New Orleans
She's innocent and young from a family of means
I have stood many times outside her window at night
To struggle with my instinct in the pale moonlight
How could I be this way when I pray to god above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

You could hear a pin drop in Caritas. Spike was absolutely mesmerizing, his silky voice flowing over all the patrons, demon and human alike.

Then the bar erupts in furious applause and whistles, and Spike grins widely. I join in the applause. Man, I'd thought Lindsey was something. Spike here just blew evil-lawyer-boy out of the water.

Spike rejoins us at the table, still smiling.

"So, how was that then, luv? Your friend going to read my tea leaves now, or what?"

We both look expectantly at Lorne. He's staring off into space, not really looking at us.

"Hey, I'm supposed to get my fortune, remember?"

Lorne focuses on Spike.

"And what a fortune it is, my lemon drop. You'd better stay sitting down for this."

* * *

I pace madly on the cold stone floor of the mansion.

"I can't believe she'd just take my car like that! It must have been Spike, he talked her into it. How could she just disappear like this?"

Wesley sighs wearily from the couch.

"Angel, we're getting exactly what we deserve. We should have wondered where Cordy had been hours before she limped into the shop, bloodied and bruised. We knew she was spending the day with her mother, which wasn't going to be the most pleasant experience, judging by previous comments Cordelia's made. I can't really blame her for taking off, not wanting to see us."

I stop and sit heavily on the couch beside Wes. He's right, how can I be mad at her? But I am worried, I can't just let it go. She's with Spike, anything could happen. Sure, he can't hurt her, but he could get someone or something else to.

Of course, I still don't understand why he helped her tonight. And Dawn was so certain that he wouldn't hurt her. I could see her trust for him in her face, hear it in her voice.

I guess I'm still having trouble with the whole Buffy thing. I mean, what right did he have to love her? He doesn't deserve the privilege.

Oh, and you do?

Shut-up. I can always count on my demon to voice his opinion at times like this, can't I?

If you were any kind of man you could admit that over time, you've begun to think of Cordelia as more than just a friend.

Dark desires, dreams hidden away in the depths of my soul come floating to the surface, dancing around my mind.

Cordelia, her hair shining, her eyes glowing. She touches me and I feel whole again. She curls around my body like a wraith, healing and soothing me.

These secret dreams I have of her, that I've never even admitted to myself.

Buffy's only been dead for a few months, how can I think like this?

Face it, you moved past Buffy a long time ago. Deep down, where it counts. It was over long before she shook off this mortal coil.

It's true, isn't it? God, how I loved Buffy. But the hard truth is it was really over the night of her 17th birthday. How could we ever get back to what we'd had after everything that happened?

And now that she's gone, I know that there's more to my life than just her. For a long time, there wasn't. In Sunnydale, my every moment, waking and asleep, was focused on her. But now I have so much more in my life: Wesley, Gunn, Fred. And her. Cordelia.

So why should I care that Spike loved Buffy as well? I should understand what he felt, not blame him for it.

It's so hard with Spike. He makes it so hard. But I can't help but love him. How can I not?

You always love your children, no matter how bad they might be.

* * *

"Say...say that again? I can't have heard you right, mate. Those horns must have ruptured your brain before coming through your skull."

"You heard me. I saw you and a pretty little blonde girl. My gut tells me it's Buffy, that vampire slayer who seems to slay more undead hearts than demons. You, her, a white room. It's in your future."

"But she's dead, you wanker. Dead. I saw her body. They put her in the bleedin' ground. There's just no way. Cordelia, what's this wack-job on?"

I just sit, staring at the candle flickering in the centre of the table. Buffy, coming back from the dead. I think.

Wow, that's great news! Right?

So why is this feeling of dread creeping through me, giving me the shivers?

Because he'll go back to her.

Oh God, how selfish can I get? I want Angel to be happy. And of course everyone in Sunnydale would be beyond thrilled to have Buffy back.

But wait, how does this work? She's dead. I mean, like Spike said, they saw her body. How many `Get out Of Jail Free' cards does Buffy have? It's been months, I don't understand.

"Well, I don't understand either, sweet pea. But that's what I saw."

I realize that I must have spoken aloud.

"I need to know more, where is this happening? When? Is she coming back for good? How? Listen, you two-bit lounge lizard, I'll kill bash you into next week. Start talking!"

"Oh, precious, no violence will be necessary. I'm telling you, I don't know. All I know is what I saw. Honestly, if I knew, I'd tell you. This tidbit is going to have quite an effect on a few lives."

He looks at me before continuing.

"But don't worry sugar, Angel's heart belongs to another."

"Why would I bleeding...." Spike trails off and looks at me with interest, as I stare dumbly at Lorne.

"Oh. Well, I know Fred and Angel have been getting along really well. That's great..."

Lorne sighs deeply.

"Princess, I wasn't talking about our Pylean refugee. Trust me, I've heard Angelicious warble more than a few notes, and I know who's in his heart. And who's in his future."

I just look at him.

"Oh bloody hell, are you stupid? It's you, you silly bint. I could see it tonight, the look on his face when he saw you were hurt, and that he had let you down. He was groveling like a dog. It's pretty clear that Soul-Boy's gotten on with things."

Well, it's true Angel and I have been getting closer and closer. But...me and Angel? What about the curse?

"Oh, curse, schmurse. You'd be amazed at how things can change. Trust me darling."

Oops, talking out loud again. Wait, the curse has changed?

"What do you mean, things can change?"

But Lorne has gotten up, moving towards the bar.

"Sorry kids, but that's all for now. I've got to tend to business."

Spike and I just sit and stare at each other as a Klimnoch demon butchers Simon and Garfunkel.

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
because a vision softly creeping,
left its seeds while I was sleeping....


Part 6

Wesley's asleep on the couch. I can't rest though, I won't be able to until I see her again, until I see that she's alright.

The courtyard is bathed in moonlight, and I can't help but think of Drusilla, dancing around, head back, arms out. Reveling in the night, in the stars and the moon.

My little girl. It's hard not to love someone who calls you "Daddy" I made her what she is. Spike too, I suppose.

I wonder where Dru is now, who's with her. She never did like to be alone.

I hope she isn't, I hope she's found someone.

Oh, I know I should be wishing her ill, she's undoubtedly killing innocent people. But, still there's that corner of my heart that treasures her, no matter what she's done.

My thoughts careen back to Cordelia. She fills up my heart so completely, in ways I never thought anyone would. Anyone but Buffy, that is. How can I be thinking this?

God, where is she?

* * *

Every surface is white, no telling where the walls end and the ceiling begins. Is there a ceiling? It just seems to go on forever. I can't see any doors either. Where am I?

I sit up, blinking. Spike is near me, also looking around.

"What the hell? Princess, what have you gotten me into?"

"Me? Hey, you were the one who wanted to know what the future held. But how did we get here? Where's here?"

A man and woman materialize. Their golden skin shines in the light, although I can't seem to figure out where all the light is coming from.

"It's time. She's ready."

"What? Who? Buffy? Where the bleedin' hell are we?"

Spike rises and stands in front of the golden couple, agitated.

"Patience, lower being. She's ready now."

I get up and stand beside Spike.

"You're the Oracles, right? The toga twins. Angel talked about you. Wait, aren't you dead? But then again, how can spiritual beings really die? Why are we here? How did we get here? Last thing I remember...I...I don't know. Spike, where were we before this?"

"Stumbling drunk, if I remember correctly. We must have had half the tequila Mexico imports. Made it out to the car, then I guess we both fell asleep."

"So, we're dreaming? Or is this a vision?"

"Enough questions, it matters not. She is ready now. Death is her gift, but life is ours. It was a test. She passed. There is a long road ahead."

"But, wait. That's great, Buffy's coming back from the dead. But what does it have to do with Spike? As much as I appreciate his helping me slay demons and generally being pretty good company, he's a soulless killer. The only reason he's not killing people is because of that chip."

"So sure of that, are you?"

"Damn right! I'm evil, how many times do I have to say it?"

"Spike, shut up. Yes, I'm sure of it. I mean, what other reason could there be?"

The woman sighs deeply and silences the impatient man with her hand.

"Yes, a demon he is. Yet, there are no absolutes in this world. Or any other. In every species of animal there is inconstancy. It cannot be explained, it just is. This you must accept. He is an aberration of his kind. A soul he does not have, yet compassion and caring he has developed."

Spike opens his mouth to argue, but his jaw hangs uselessly. I can see the fight drain from his body, the righteous insistence.

"Some say you cannot change the nature of a beast. Yet always there are exceptions to every rule. The Slayer needs him in her battles which are still to come."

"But, what about Angel?"

Spike looks at me sharply. "What about the tosser? He can go to hell...."

"Silence." The man speaks for the first time. "The vampire with a soul is needed elsewhere. Different paths shall he and the Slayer take. It is the way of the world. You must go onwards on your own path if you are ever to reach your destination."

Then Buffy's standing there. Right in front of us. Buffy. Looking...the same. It's her. It's Buffy.

Spike's eyes tear up.

"Buffy, oh God, I thought I'd never see you again...."

But she doesn't seem to hear him, just looks around, vacantly.

"Buffy? What's wrong with her?"

"Patience, lower being. She has not quite reached this plane yet. It is time for you all to go."

The golden pair turn to walk away, Buffy still aimlessly wandering around, staring into something that I can't see. Then the woman turns back.

"One last thing. If we see you again, it is customary to bring a gift."

I open my mouth to protest, I mean, the nerve! Spike raises his hand and nods to the woman.

I can't believe this is happening. Buffy's coming back from the dead, Spike has somehow grown into...into what? A human being? Oh, I don't know. And Angel's future is with me? And the curse....

"Wait!" I run, trying to catch the Oracles before they disappear. They turn, impatience in their expressions. "The curse, Angel's curse. Lorne said it had changed, what did he mean?"

"Of little importance is this, seer. Haven't we told you enough?" The man turns away again. Yet the woman stays, a kind smile curving her lips.

"A great warrior he has proven to be. It does not serve our purposes to have him revert to evil. I told you already, life is our gift. Yes, still a vampire is he, but life is not about breathing air and basking in the sun. Not true life, not its essence. He shall come alive inside his heart, his soul. This is the most important part of life. Fear not, for his soul is never to be lost again."

They walk away again. I stare off into space, letting her words sink in, savouring them, rolling them around in my mind. Angel's soul, his to keep. And a future between us? I mean, he's my best friend. Could he be more? My mind reels, I can't think straight.

When I look up, the Oracles are gone.

I turn around, although the only way I know that it is back is because I can see Spike and Buffy. Buffy is still wandering dazed, and Spike just watches her, fascinated. I travel back to them through this white world.

* * *

I wake up with a start. I'm slouched in the front seat of Angel's car. Wow, what a bizarre dream. How much tequila did I have? I wince as I sit up straighter, my entire body protesting the movement.

Spike is beside me in the passenger seat, also waking up.

"Spike, I just had the strangest dream."

A movement in the back seat catches my eye. A flash of blonde in the rearview mirror.
Then, a face.
I stare, frozen, at Buffy's reflection.

"Yeah, tell me about it, luv. I had a pretty strange...what? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Well, I don't know what I am, but I don't think I'm a ghost."

Spike spins around at the sound of Buffy's voice. He stares, his mouth moving, like a fish gulping for air.

My eyes stay riveted to the mirror. I realize I've been holding my breath, and I let it out, slowly.

"I guess it wasn't a dream, Spike."

I finally turn in my seat, facing her. My old nemesis. My old friend.

"Damn Buffy, you always did know how to make an entrance." I smile, it's good to see her. Better than I ever could have thought. Spike is still silent, his eyes moist again.

She smiles back at me, tentatively at first, until we're grinning at each other.

"Well, never let it be said Buffy Summers didn't make a splash." Buffy looks around, understandable confusion on her face. "This is all so...how long have I been gone? I remember floating through the air, closing the portal that Glory opened. It was...I felt a peace that I can't describe. Since then, I can't remember anything, just...feelings, happy feelings. I've been kind of just, I don't know, around. How is my body back? Didn't I die? It feels the same, it feels like it always did. I don't understand."

"Join the club. Yep, you died alright. I don't know, the Oracles said it was a test, and you passed."

"This is...weird. I feel weird."

"Uh, ditto. Weird doesn't quite cover it. But you know what, Buffy? It's pretty damn good to see you."

She smiles again, and reaches out to grasp my outstretched hand.

Finally, Spike regains his power of speech.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." His voice is hoarse with emotion. It's...strange. I guess the Oracles are right, Spike's a freak of vampire nature. With a knack for Shakespeare.

We all sit in silence, staring at each other, absorbing all that has happened. I mean, how are you supposed to react when someone comes back from the dead? There hasn't really been a precedent, you know? I smile again softly, and clear my throat.

"Well, it's not like stranger things haven't happened."

"Ain't that the truth?" Buffy starts laughing.

We all laugh, part shock, part happiness. Did I mention part shock? Surreal doesn't start to cover it. We descend into silence again, lost in our own thoughts. Or non-thoughts. My mind just feels blank.

After a while, Buffy speaks again. "So, um. What now?"

"Well, I guess we get you back to Sunnydale. Right, Spike?" He's staring at her, a faint smile playing on his lips.

"Wait, we're not in Sunnydale?"

"Nope, Spike and I took a little road trip to figure out where his life was heading. Looks like we found out, huh?"

Spike finally snaps to attention, looking back at me. He silently turns around in his seat. Wait, is he actually...embarrassed?

"What?"

"Oh, nothing, Buffy. Look, I think the living dead over there had better drive, we don't want to end up killing you after you've been back for five minutes. I think my blood alcohol is about 50% right now."

* * *

So here we are, heading back to Sunnydale. Was it just a few days ago that I was making this drive with Angel and Wesley? To go to Buffy's memorial-type thingy. Now here I am with Buffy in the back seat. She's quiet now, I can imagine this must be a lot to take in. It sure as hell is for me.

I fiddle with the knobs on the radio, trying to find a station. I settle on one, and we drive on.

Spike looks in the rearview every so often, as if he's checking to make sure she's still there. That this hasn't just been some strange dream.

The waves reflect the moonlight and crash upon the beach as we head back up the coast to Sunnydale. I start to drift off to sleep again, briefly noting that the song on the radio is familiar, although the singing much better than it was at Caritas.

And the vision
That was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.


Part 7

The alley is dark, and kinda creepy. But I need to get some air, get some...perspective. I don't know, maybe I just need to look at some stars.

Everyone's inside, pretty much freaked out. Happy, crying, scared, confused. You know, the Sunnydale specialty.

We made it back around sunrise, took Buffy back to her house. Dawn, Willow and Tara were there. They were shocked, naturally. It was so weird. I mean, everything's weird. Buffy's back. She's alive. Up is down, in is out. Yep, if it's Tuesday and there's a resurrection, this must be Sunnydale.

Well, I guess technically Buffy was resurrected in L.A. But that's just a small detail. We called everyone over during the day. It was hard, I mean how do you broach the subject? "Hey, Buffy's alive, wanna come say hi?" There isn't exactly a handbook for this type of thing.

At one point Willow took me aside and hugged me tightly. She said that everyone had felt really bad about what happened last night. That they had been wrong to brush me off.

I have to admit, it was nice to hear. I guess we've all grown up a lot since Sunnydale High.

But as nice as it was to kinda make up with Willow, I couldn't stop thinking about Angel.

He and Wes rushed over through the sewers and, I swear, he barely looked at me when he came in. I know, I know, I'm being petty, being selfish. The love of his life is back from the freakin' dead. I mean, how can I compete with that?

"Hey."

Shit. I don't know how to deal with this. According to the Oracles, we have a future together. And Lorne said I was in his heart. Yeah, maybe until Buffy came back into the picture.

"Hey. I just needed some air."

Avoidance. That's the ticket. I'll just let Angel make the decisions.

"I'm sorry."

"What? For what?"

"For not worrying about you. For not being there when you had the vision. Cordy, I'm so sorry."

Oh, yeah. That. It seems like a long time ago. Was it really just last night? When Willow had apologized I'd been distracted, and it just didn't seem that important anymore. Well, you know, time flies when you're visiting celestial beings and having people brought back from the dead. Not to mention getting stinking drunk.

"Angel, it's alright. I mean, in light of what's happened in the last 24 hours...it puts things in perspective. You and Wes hurt me really badly. But I know that you both didn't mean to. And I know that you'd do anything to take it back. And most of all, I know it won't happen again. Right?"

"Never. I promise. Cordy, I don't know what we were thinking...."

I cut him off. "Angel, stop. Let's just put it behind us. Mistakes were made. C'est la vie. Okay?"

"Okay."

We just stand, staring at each other. Where to begin?

"So, Buffy's alive. That must make you pretty happy. Well, duh, of course it does."

"Cordy, I...I don't know what to think."

He sounds so tired. I don't blame him.

"But I do know one thing."

"What's that?"

"I know that as much as I loved Buffy, we'll never be together again."

It's not too often that Cordelia Chase is rendered speechless, but that did it. Not what I was expecting to hear. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that.

He smiles softly. "I know, it's not what you expected from brood boy."

I'm still gaping, and all I can do is shake my head vaguely.

"Cordy, when you were gone last night, with...Spike...I thought a lot. About the past, about the future, about everything."

He really has to choke out Spike's name. I wonder what he's going to think about Spike's supposed future with Buffy? I listen quietly as he continues.

"Buffy and I were over a long time ago. And the thing is...that's okay. I'll always care about her, but she's not my future."

Still speechless over here. I was expected a big Spike/Angel smackdown over the hand of the fair slayer. Sure, all the people in the know said Angel belonged with me, but hey, there was no guarantee Angel would have a clue about that.

"Wow. You know, I never thought I'd see the day when I could shock you into silence. It's a rare day when you're at a loss for words...."

My lips are on his, silencing the rest of his words. After a few shocked seconds, he pulls me to him, and I wrap my arms around him.

Angel has cool lips, but his kisses are like fire, and a warmth spreads through my body as our tongues softly duel.

Oh lord. Kisses like fire? What is this, a Harlequin? I think I need to get some sleep before I say something like that out loud.

I break away, and we look into each other's eyes, breathing heavily. He smiles, and my heart sings.

"Angel, there are so many things I have to tell you. The Oracles, they told me a lot of things...well, they told me a lot of vague things, but one thing especially, it's so important. God, it's so amazing, Angel, you won't believe it...."

"Shh." He puts his finger to my lips. "You haven't slept, you must be exhausted. Let's go back to the mansion."

He takes my hand and we leave, forgetting all the others; Wesley, Buffy, everyone. We walk through Sunnydale, hand-in-hand, not speaking, just looking up at the stars, looking at each other. Goofy smiles on our faces.

It's like all of a sudden, we know that it's right. This is right. This is what's meant to be.

We curl up in bed, wrapped around each other, safe and happy. We drift off to sleep, content. Not as content as we'll be tomorrow night though, if I have anything to say about it.

* * *

She's so beautiful in the moonlight. I quietly open the curtains so I can see her body, glowing in the soft light.

We spent the whole day talking, trying to sort everything out. We didn't even leave the mansion. I haven't seen Buffy again. I really should, I should tell her straight out that Cordelia and I are together now. Will she care? I mean, really?

I know what everyone will say. The curse, the curse, what about the curse? The Oracles apparently knew what they were talking about, since I just made love to Cordy for hours.

It was everything I always thought it would be, deep inside. Inside where I've known for some time that Cordelia is more than a friend. She's...everything.

I want to wake her, take her in my arms again and kiss every part of her body. But she looks so peaceful, so I put on some clothes and let her sleep.

The stars are brilliant in the sky. I sigh peacefully, thinking of the woman I love. How is it that Buffy's come back from the dead, and I'm in love with Cordelia -- yet things have never felt so right?

"Life's a funny thing, isn't it?" He's standing on the other side of the courtyard, leaning gracefully against the wall, cigarette between his fingers. "I mean, here we are, all these years later. And look at us. Fools for love. I know, I always have been, haven't I?"

"Yeah, you have. But I'm no different, Spike."

He walks over to sit opposite me, perching on a low stone wall.

"Aren't you? You're Soul Boy, remember? I'm still a remorseless, evil killer. Right?"

I just watch him, unsure of what to say. Cordy had filled me in on the Oracles' comments on Spike. I don't know what to believe. Dawn also took me aside yesterday to regale me with tales of Spike's heroism over the past couple of years. And I have to admit, he does seem to care about Buffy. Okay, I admit it, he...he really does seem to love her.

He rambles on. "I don't have a soul, so why do I care? Why do I bloody care so much? It's not just Buffy...I care about other people as well. Dawn, Red...all of them. Those all-knowing toga twits said I was a freak of nature. They've got that right, huh?"

"Spike, if you didn't have that chip in your head -- if it got taken out, malfunctioned, whatever, would you still care?"

He sits quietly, dragging on his cigarette. Finally, an almost imperceptible response.

"Yes."

He looks up at me. "Angel, I don't want to be bad anymore. I...it feels...it feels good...to be good. I don't want to hurt people, I want to be good."

He never calls me "Angel." Hardly ever. So, now he wants to be good? What, he wants redemption? Anger surges through me, and I stand suddenly.

"What, so now you're just going to be good, Spike? It's...it's impossible. You don't have a soul! I have a soul! I'm the vampire who does good, not you!"

I'm pacing angrily, my eyes surely flickering gold.

"Oh, I see. You've cornered the market on do-gooding vamps then? What, no one gets to play in your sandbox? What makes you so damn special? You're the only one allowed to try to be good?"

"Yes!"

We stare at each other, hackles raised.

"Too bad! Look, I didn't ask for this, you son of a bitch. I don't know why I feel this way. I mean, yeah, yeah, freak of nature, whatever. But...I don't understand it. I know there's no explanation, it's just the way it is. But I don't understand...I don't understand, and I'm scared."

His voice wavers, and he stops speaking. He sits down heavily and...his eyes fill with tears.

God, what's wrong with me? What right do I have to be so judgemental? What's that saying about glass houses? Whatever it is, I think it applies now. I move over to him, sitting beside him.

"Spike...I'm sorry. I guess I don't understand it either. But...you really do love her, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do. Strangest thing, really. Just happened. I was going along fine, you know? Now it's all gone to hell. I love her. I love Dawn. I'd die for them. Hell, at this point I'd probably die for Xander, and I don't even like the self-righteous prick. I tell you, Angel, I don't know what to make of it."

"Welcome to the club."

We look at each other and laugh. God, how long has it been since I've laughed with Spike? Funny how family is, how things turn out.

"Finally, I thought I was going to have to put you guys on Jerry Springer to sort things out."

She's standing in the doorway, wrapped in my robe. Looking perfect.

"At least you two finally figured things out, from the looks of it. She's one hell of a woman. Think you can handle her, you big poof?"

Big poof.

I sigh to myself and we all laugh. Well, it's nice to know that some things won't ever really change.

End.