Title: Zutto Kimi no Soba de
Author: karura
Posted: 08-25-2002
Rating: PG-13
Email: alanasnow@yahoo.com
Content: C/A
Summary: After roaming the earth for 400 years, Angel is now a master vampire, his human visage forever lost.
Spoilers: S3 - Birthday
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution:
Notes: Zutto Kimi no Soba de means “Forever by your side” in Japanese. I picked it for the lack of creativity in coming up with a better title.
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Often, he wondered why was he still here after all these years.
Five hundred and twenty-three odd years, too long for any creature to roam the earth. Even if vampires could live forever theoretically, most never made it past 300. There was always the sun, fire, stakes… and Slayers.
Well, Slayers weren’t a part of his problems nowadays. The Watcher’s Council had long documented him as the Souled One, the only vampire whom a Chosen One should never attempt to slay. Who, if they had the chance to get acquainted with, could become a Slayer’s greatest ally.
And help, he did. During his very long life he had taken two Slayers, not counting Buffy and Faith, under his wings, so to speak, and both lived past the ripe age of 26 to retire from their world-bearing status.
Both had passed away more than a hundred years ago.
He no longer interacted with Slayers, or humans in general, because he had lost his human visage when he had, by default, became the Master of the Order of Aurelias on his 400th birthday. It was the universal rule that the eldest surviving male of the bloodline, once he reaches the age of 400, becomes a master. And since Buffy had staked the previous master, and neither he nor Darla sired any other male childe, well…
A master vampire, once the feared and admired Scourge of Europe, was now the scourge of his own kind. He supposed it showed the irony of fate.
Speaking of fate… That Shanshu prophecy wasn’t meant for him after all.
Spike regaining his soul had been a hint… Spike becoming human had been the final blow.
He resented the Powers for a long time after that, but eventually he accepted it. Truth is, now he couldn’t even remember what it was like to be human. He had lost his craving for the so called “normal life,” maybe because everyone he knew who had a normal life, who could guide him through a normal life, had died, natural death or otherwise.
Every single human he held dear in his heart had passed away a long time ago, including his son, and he had lost his human face. He now had permanent fangs, his face always contorted, his eyes yellow and his hands were really more claws than hands.
But despite all this, he was content to carry on the burden of eternity. He wasn’t alone, he had-
He sensed her before she came into view, as he always did.
“Cordy?” He called out, eyes lifting and fixing on the entrance of the cavern.
First her elegant face, then her entire lithe body came into view, bathed in the soft candlelight of the room. Smiling, she approached him gracefully, her steps light and dancing to a tune only she could hear. She carried with her an air of beauty and regality, which was the result of her natural grace and 295 years of careful practice.
She was a Chase after all, just not shallow anymore.
Hadn’t been for a long time.
“Hey.” Standing before him, she greeted him casually, raising an elegant eyebrow as she noticed his posture: leaning against the wall, arms folded across his chest. She reached for his hands and pulled them down, grasping the bony, claw-like fingers with her own smaller, smooth ones.
“Were you brooding again?”
“No. I was just thinking… you know, about… stuff.”
“You were brooding.” She stated flatly and led him to the huge armchair in the corner. She pushed him down, and then sat down on his lap, nesting herself comfortably into his embrace: “What am I going to do with you? I leave you for a couple of hours, and you literally solidify the air around here with your broodiness. One of us still gotta breath, you know?”
He chuckled, circling his arms around her waist protectively: “How was your day?”
“Bank manager had been an ass… some things never change even after CENTURIES. I had a vision on my way back, scaly demons in the playground in Sector 6, tomorrow night.” She sighed, burrowing he head on his broad shoulder, “Smog bad, too many people, I missed you.”
“Missed you too.” He kissed her forehead, wondering what would he do without her all these years.
Probably wouldn’t have kept his sanity… if he hadn’t staked himself already.
Cordelia gazed up, hazel eyes warm and full of tenderness as she reached up her right hand to cup his cheek. Her palm felt warm and smooth as silk against his cool flesh. Gently she moved it up and began to trace the ridges on his forehead. He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into her touch. After spending nearly three centuries with him, she knew exactly how to make him relax.
“So… demon slaying tomorrow night?” He asked huskily.
“Um-hum.” She shifted so that she was straddling him, and brought up the other hand to his face too. Slender fingers traced his brows, massaged his temples, and then moved to his scalp, woven in his thick, spiky hair. He nearly purred under the pleasure of her touch. Not for the first time, he wondered how did he ever get so lucky… How could anyone as beautiful her love this face as much as she did?
When the transformations first started, she had already been with him for a hundred and fifty-four years, and they had been… intimate, for the good part of it, thanks to a spell that Willow had performed to anchor his soul – that shy, stuttering redhead girl, once she got over her uncontrollable craving for magic, had became the most powerful witch in the western hemisphere. Willow Rosenburg was a legend of Wicca these days.
Still, despite the intimate relationship he had shared with Cordelia for over a century, he wasn’t ready for the transformations when they started. First his eyes became yellow and teeth elongated to become fangs, then it was his fingers, knuckles become bumpy and fingernails extended to become claws.
The third and final transformation was the hardest. His face began to contort, bones shifted and grew, skin knotted. For days he was delirious, slipping in and out of consciousness, moaning and sometimes screaming in agony. Even now those few days were still a haze, but he remembered clearly that she was always there. Whenever he was roused from his painful slumber, she was there, wiping his face with a wet cloth, or holding his hand, or simply sat beside him and looked at him with reassuring eyes.
He tried to push her away, not wanting her to see him like that, but he couldn’t find the strength, physically, mentally or emotionally. He was scared of what was happening to him, scared of being left alone. Sometime he cried. He loathed himself for that, he was weak, and pathetic. But she simply wiped his tears, kissed his cheeks and held him while he sobbed like a frightened child, promising everything will be all right.
And then finally, it was over. The unbearable pain subsided, the throbbing and aching stopped, and his human face, forever disappeared.
“It’s okay, Angel. I’m pretty used to your ‘grr’ face anyway. It doesn’t matter. In fact, you look kinda good, a lot better than your grand sire.” She assured him on his first day as a master vampire.
Still, he avoided her, out of shame and fear of… provoking her. It was silly really, now that he thought about it, but back then, self-loath and uncertainty filled his mind. How could she love him now? How could she even bear to touch a grotesque monster like him? So he avoided her for days, walked on thin ice whenever he was near her, afraid that she’d finally notice what he had become and be disgusted by it, and walk out of his life forever.
He couldn’t even muster the courage to so much as just to talk to her.
And for that one time, Cordelia didn’t attempt to draw him out of his broodiness. She simply accepted it and went on as if nothing had happened. She warmed his blood for him, went about the enormous underground cavern that was their home, doing things that she always did. At night, while he flinched away from her, crowding in the furthest corner of their huge bed, she simply curled under the covers on her side and whispered to him: “G’night Angel.”
A few times he woke to find himself holding her in his arms, unconsciously drawn to her warmth in his sleep. At first he panicked, pulled himself away from her, but she would simply open her eyes and smile at him, reach over to plant a kiss on his forehead, and tell him what she wanted for her breakfast that morning.
The seventh time he woke up with his arms around her waist, he didn’t pull away anymore. Instead he stared down at her sleeping face, so beautiful, ageless yet still innocent. Gingerly, light as a feather, he brushed a kiss on her eyelid. And then he watched, as her eyelashes fluttered, her eyes opened to reveal a dreamy look in those exquisite hazel orbs, and then she gave him a smile bright enough to rival the sun.
That night, after taking care of a particularly nasty demon from her vision, they went to the city park and sat down beside the lake. No one else was there, only the two of them, under the velvet dark sky. For the longest time he held her and watched as she gazed up toward the heavens with a faint smile on her lips. Her long, soft hair flowing as the wind blew, her tanned skin glowed under the moonlight.
He listened to the comforting sound of her steady heartbeat, and felt her warmth seep through his cold, dead skin. Finally, he blurted out the question that he could no longer hold: “Why did you stay with me?”
She turned her head to stare at him, surprised by his question. Their gaze locked for what seemed like eternity before she finally looked away, sighing softly.
“How could I not?” Was all she said when she finally answered.
He furrowed his brows. He needed more than that, and she knew it. She stared down at their intertwined hands in her lap, and then, in a softer tone that was almost a whisper, she added: “Eternity is a scary thing, isn’t it? When I chose to become part-demon, I sort of anticipated other things, you know, tail, horns, polka dots on my skin… I didn’t expect this. Two hundred and ninety-five years… I watched every familiar face age, weaken, die, and disappear under the dirt. Every single one of them, except you, Angel.”
Her eyes started to tear as she cupped his face: “You are all I have, Angel. Without you I’d be alone, this ageless body, which is a gift from the Powers, would become a curse. I can’t imagine an eternity wandering the earth alone, it gives me the worst shivers just thinking about it. So… no matter how your face changes, it doesn’t matter to me, because I need you. I can’t live this life without you, Angel… I won’t.”
Before he knew it, before his mind even registered what he was doing, he pulled her body in for a crushing embrace. As he closed his eyes to trap the moisture, he felt her hands on his back, grabbing the material of his coat, clinging to him just as desperately.
In his mind, he saw the ghost of a young girl, her eyes twinkling as she grinned at him: “When I see you and Cordelia sparring, kye-rumption always comes to mind.”
That night, after centuries had passed away, he finally understood the meaning of that word, kye-rumption.
Mutual fate. A fate that could be more gut wrenching than passion, is more truthful than love, and would consume them both for eternity.
It’s love, passion, desire, trust, friendship, and so much more. It’s a need as basic as the need to eat and sleep. He had known for the longest time that he couldn’t survive without her.
But he didn’t realize until that moment, neither could she.
Mutual fate… They were separate, yet one... destinies forever intertwined.
Warm kissed on his neck brought him out of his reverie. Opening his eyes, he gazed down lazily and saw her grinning at him: “You were falling asleep.”
“No I wasn’t, just enjoying.”
“Big baby.” She teased affectionately. Although he would never admit it openly, they both knew how he craved and relished her gentle touches. This badass vampire loved pampering, and she was always happy to oblige, if just to see the peaceful, content expression on his face.
“Something big is coming. Can you feel it?” She asked softly, absent-mindedly tracing a pattern on his chest.
“I feel it.” He confirmed, thinking back to the enormous, bloody full moon they saw a couple nights ago. A creepy, ominous sign… another Armageddon, perhaps? Doesn’t matter. They will deal with it when the time comes. They always do.
“Right. So the world is ending again. Well, what do you want to do about it?” She asked lightly, licking her lips seductively. Her eyes twinkled mischievously, hinting that what she wanted to hear was far from anything about dry prophecies or myths and legends.
“Huumph. How about we do what we did last time? Something about ‘live your life to the fullest’?” He smirked and stood up, still carrying her in his arms. Something in those feral golden eyes changed, irises darkened to a shade of amber with desire. She smiled right back at him, unafraid, as she leaned up and traced one of his fangs with her tongue, which earned a grunt from him, his body hardening.
Gently he deposited her on their large, soft bed, and climbed on top of her. Smiling, they began to remove each other’s cloths, anticipating yet another sweet, passionate night that would leave both parties sated and extremely satisfied.
It doesn’t matter that he didn’t have a heartbeat, and would never see the sun again. As long as she was with him, none of it mattered.
Because every time he buried himself deep in her hot, tight center, every time her eyes glazed over with love and desire, every time she clung to him and screamed his name in ecstasy…
He felt alive.
Eternity wasn’t such a scary thing after all. As long as he had his Cordelia.
Forever, by his side.
End.