Title: Journal Entry
Author: JennieC
Posted: 09-01-2003
Email:
Rating: NC-17
Category: AtS S1, 2 Angst, Humor, Smut
Content: C/A, slight B/A, C/D (no worries)
Summary: After having a peek in to the innermost thoughts of Cordelia, through the benefit of her diary, Angel’s world is once again knocked off its axis as their two worlds collide once again.
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution:
Notes: Sequel to Dear Diary.
Feedback: Please?
Thanks/Dedication: A special thank you goes out to CalifiST for her support, encouragement and patience, Sunscorched for issuing the challenge, and for all the wonderful FB that gave me the courage to continue. A shout out goes to Cammy.Part 9
Since the day Angel made that silent vow, he and Cordelia had become inseparable. Angel was fighting with a new found strength knowing it would bring him that much closer to his goal – to Shanshu. Cordelia for her part was truly coming into her own while embracing her new family. Gone were the shields each brought with them, designed to keep themselves protected from any who dare come too close. Make no mistake, the walls were still there, they were just becoming easier to climb. Although neither had confessed their true feelings for each other, for those on the outside it was all too clear.
In the lobby of the new offices of Angel Investigations - formally the Hyperion Hotel, everyone tended to the business of the day.
“Angel” Cordy’s singsong voice echoed through the lobby.
“No” Angel sang back. Whenever Cordelia started in that tone, it usually meant bad news for Angel.
“Oh, come on! You don’t even know the question yet.” Cordelia started to pout. No matter what it took, she was going to get her way.
“The answer is still no. Cordy, I know that tone, and I never like the results. Last time you had me trapped at the mall for THREE hours! And for what? - One blouse. The one you picked out in the first store we stopped in, I might add” She was good, he’d give her that – but by now he was learning all the signs. Right after the pout comes…
She stamped her foot, “Argh!”
Ah, there it is.
“Not gonna work, Cordy” He was a Champion dammit, he could resist, unless she pulled…
With her hands behind her back, she batted her eyelashes, while swaying back and forth. In a tiny innocent voice she whispered, “Please?”
Damn! I hate it when she does that! Oh god, now what is she going to get me into? Just as he was ready to give in, he noticed her grabbing her forehead. As fast as his vampire reflexes allowed, he was at her side, ready to catch her as the vision took over her senses.
The team gathered around the Champion and his Seer as she thrashed violently, anchored only by the strength of the vampire’s arms that surrounded her. They waited patiently for the vision to end, all hating what this was doing to her. Gradually she began to calm down and catch her breath, all the while comforted by the gentle caresses and words of comfort – the only thing that made Angel feel at all useful during the ordeal.
Gunn handed her a glass of water, and Wesley the painkillers. They waited until she swallowed before Angel quietly asked her, “What did you see?”
“A man, in the park. He’s got a package…he’s waiting for someone, a woman. The package is for her” she breathed out.
“Is that all?” Angel hated pressing her for details, but this wasn’t much to go on.
“Um, yeah - wait…it happens today…around three o’clock.”
“OK, that gives us about two hours. Gunn, you get the cameras, stake out the spot in Cordy’s vision. Wes, you finish the research on the Sanchez case – we may need all hands on deck and I want to get that out of the way. I’ll go check our contacts.” Angel helped Cordy off the floor and went to get his leather duster.
“HEY! What about me? I am not just sitting here, I can help!” Cordy hated when she was being treated like a porcelain doll.
“Cor...” At her stern look, he rethought his next words, “Fine, you go with Gunn, one of you take the video camera, the other the digital. I’m sure Gunn would appreciate you pointing out the man from your vision” Although he threw in that last part for her benefit, he couldn’t help but think, ‘God this woman is so stubborn, what she needs is rest.’ Angel didn’t wait for her response; he just left for the basement sewer access.
Part 10
“Tell me again why we got stuck on surveillance detail?”
Cordelia hated this part of the job, always stuck in some hot car, or stinky alley; or in this case, the bushes. She realized that this was an important part of the work they did, spying on the potential evil so they would be one step ahead, but it didn’t mean she had to like it. At least this time she was in good company. Over the last few months, Gunn had become an integral part of Angel Investigations. He was always there when they needed him, he was good with the fighting skills and he was now their friend. She sighed, all in all, it could have been a lot worse.
“You didn’t have to come, girl - I could have done just fine myself. Besides, as I recall, you volunteered”
Gunn enjoyed his time with Cordelia. It reminded him of the time he got to spend with his sister, before she was taken by a vampire. He had felt a great sense of loss at her death and was about ready to just give up. That is until he came across this crew. At first the idea of working for the very thing he hated was a little more than he thought he could handle. But as time went on, he grew to know Angel, and much to his annoyance, like him. Besides, Angel came as a team. For the first time in a long while, he had friends. Oh, his crew was his boys, no doubt. But this was different. These people were different. He, Wesley and Angel related to each other on the same level, something he hadn’t had in a long while. And he and Cordelia; well, they took to each other like brother and sister, something he had sorely missed. He felt like he was beginning to find his place in this world.
“Yeah, like you could walk and chew gum at the same time!”
“Cordy, I can use a video camera and I know how to take pictures! Besides, this thing has a little photo doohickey thing, see? Two cameras in one!” He was proud of himself for noticing that one!
“Pffft, like you would know how to get the pictures out of the camera if you did use it.” Damn, this girl could screw up a wet dream.
“Yeah, well, I’m sure there are instructions. I just need to give it to English and my job here is done” Ha! Take that!
“Shhh, someone’s coming.” Cordelia had noticed the intended ‘subject’ of their surveillance approaching.
“Oh, you’re good – I know what you’re up to” He wasn’t going to be fooled by those tactics.
“What!?!”
“Trying to throw me off my game, good one” he smirked, rather proud of himself for figuring out her master plan.
“Gunn – look!” Her frustrated ‘whisper’ bordered on shouting.
Realizing she wasn’t kidding, Gunn quickly sprang in to action, “Oh shit, how do you know if this thing’s on?”
“Argh! Boys and their toys. I thought you said you could handle this Scavullo!” When this was over she was definitely going to have to shove that camera…
“I got it, I got it!” Just in time too - the ‘subject’ was about to turn around.
Gunn was all set up and ready to shoot when he was distracted by Cordy’s audible gasp. “What, what’s the matter? Who is it? Are we supposed to know her?” He did not like the look on her face one bit. He knew Cordy got scared - they all got scared at one point or another, but just like the rest of them, she rarely let it show so blatantly.
“Come on, we have to get out of here – now!” She grabbed his arm and yanked him back to the car.
The ride back to the Hotel was silent - only adding to Gunn’s concern.
***
Cordy ran from the car before Gunn had a chance to put it in park. She had to get inside and warn Angel - but how? Would he believe her? Was she really sure that’s who she saw? No - it couldn’t have been; she was just imagining things. It couldn’t have been her because she was dead. No, something was not right here.
Hearing the doors slam open drew Angel and Wesley from their books. Both looked up and immediately picked up on Cordy’s distress. Wesley was the first to speak.
“Cordy, how did it go? Where’s Gunn? Is something wrong?” Gunn chose that moment to come through the front doors. Cordelia sighed with relief; it distracted everyone long enough for her to run to the safety of the bathroom.
“Everything’s fine, I just have to use the little girls room”, she yelled on her dash to momentary safety from what was about to come.
Angel rose from the couch and approached the tall black man with a predatory grace that left no room for anything but the truth. He spoke in a frighteningly calm voice, “Gunn, what happened”
“Angel, man, I really don’t know. One minute we are about to film the exchange and just as the chick was turning around Cordy went white. The next thing I know, she’s pulling me to the car like her ass was on fire!” Gunn was just as confused and concerned as the rest of them, but he had no answers either. He hoped the vampire accepted that, because he really had nothing else to add.
“Well, who was it? What did she look like? Do we know her?” Angel was getting more concerned and frustrated by the minute. If someone didn’t start talking soon, heads were going to roll.
“Angel, seriously. I don’t know. You have to ask Cordy” Gunn was getting as frustrated as Angel. The mysteries were for Wesley; he was research guy. They were warriors; what they needed was something to fight – and soon.
Part 11
Cordelia paced the small bathroom, trying to figure out her next move. Should she tell Angel? Should she go back out and make sure she was right? Should she just stay in this bathroom until the next apocalypse? That last option was looking mighty good right now.
“OK Chase, pull it together. Just go out there, tell Angel - so we can formulate a plan and get this over with.” OK, she was going to have to do a much better job at convincing herself than that. She used to be a cheerleader – head cheerleader for god sakes. OH who am I kidding, I can’t. How do I go out there and tell the man I…love…that he is about to loose his soul? I can’t. I can’t lose him. I mean; I know he doesn’t love me, at least in that way, but he’s still my best friend. Dammit! You are Cordelia Chase, stand up straight, shoulders back, and march right out there and face this! You can do it! You have to.
With a shaky hand, she reached for the doorknob and let herself out of the bathroom.
***
She barely made it into the main office when Angel started firing questions at her.
“Cordelia, what’s going on? Who was she? Why are you so afraid?”
“Afraid? Cordelia Chase does not get afraid, I had to go to the bathroom, that’s all. You try sitting in the bushes for a half hour after drinking a grande mocha cappuccino” Her shaky voice betrayed the words she spoke.
“Cor, just tell me. Who was it?” His tender voice was melting her resolve. She stared down at her shoes, shifting from one foot to the other, trying to get the courage to speak.
Seeing her struggle, Angel walked over and gently placed his hand on her chin, lifting her face so their eyes would meet. “Cor, its OK, we’ll handle it. Just tell me.”
Seeing the warmth and concern, she managed to squeak out, “Ms Calender”
His face immediately registered shock.
“I know, I know, it couldn’t have been her, I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe someone put a spell on me or something, trying to play with my mind, to try to drive you crazy, I don’t know, I...its...Angel, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything before I knew for sure. It was only a few seconds, I’m probably wrong” She stopped only to take a breath. Before she could continue on, Angel stopped her.
“Cordy, its ok, we’ll figure it out.”
His reassurance did nothing to help. She was in a frenzy now. “No its not ok Angel, its not ok!”
“CORDY!” He needed to calm her down and get to the bottom of her distress.
“NO, I’m going after her, I’m gonna prove that I’m wrong. I can’t do this again; I can’t let it happen. Oh God, this is my worst nightmare, I can’t do it.” She was now mumbling, almost incoherently, to herself.
“Cordy, what are you talking about, what is your worst nightmare? What can’t you do? Cordelia, what’s going on with you?” He wasn’t sure he wanted the answers to those questions, but he needed to get to the bottom of this. Something had her more upset than he thought she should have been.
“Angelus, you losing your soul. It’s my worst nightmare. I can’t…”
There it was, the answered he feared the most, “Glad to see you have so much faith in me.”
Seeing the anger starting to build in his dark eyes, she tried to explain, “Angel, that came out wrong.”
Not willing to let it go that easily, he continued, the hurt obvious, “Sounded pretty clear to me,”
She did not picture this happening with an audience, but she knew she had to say it or she would lose him, “Angel, I don’t fear you losing your soul, I have faith in you, I believe in you. I fear your soul being taken from you, and I don’t know if I can keep my promise.” She finished the last part barely above a whisper.
Knowing immediately what she meant, he turned to her pleadingly, “Cordy, you have to…”
“I can’t, not anymore; he is going to kill me. And that makes me afraid for both of us.” Tears that had been threatening to escape began to slip down her cheeks.
“Cordy”, Her tears were breaking his undead heart. He did not want his demon to ever re-emerge, and if he did, he wanted him gone. She had promised him, if Angelus should ever return she would stake him. He needed her to keep that promise. Not fully understanding what she actually meant, he took a deep unneeded breath and spoke the words that would change their lives forever. “You don’t have to be afraid of my demon. You don’t need to be afraid of Angelus.”
“Angel, been there, done that, twice!” Although grateful he was trying to allay her fears, she was still unbelieving.
“No, Cordy, you don’t understand. You don’t have to worry about Angelus killing you, he wouldn’t.”
“But…” What is he talking about, has he lost his mind?
Seeing the disbelief, he cautiously continued on, “He wouldn’t because he…because he…(Say it!) loves you. Don’t ask me how I know, but Angelus loves you, almost as much as…I do. Although I can’t promise that your time together would be…pleasant. So killing him shouldn’t be a problem. Now granted, he would probably try to turn you, which I guess is killing you, but you would still be around, and maybe Willow could restore your soul…” Now he was rambling nervously.
Cordelia stood stock-still. The shock of the words he had just spoken rendered her motionless. He loved her. Not just as his best friend, she felt amazingly clear on that, he loved her. His final words shook her from her reverie.
“…but Angelus would be gone before he could raise hell, probably literally knowing him …” her raised hand stopped his uncharacteristic ramblings. She walked tenderly towards him, and placed a shaky hand upon his right cheek. Eyes never leaving his, she glided in closer, tentatively gracing his lips with hers.
“Cor?”
“I love you too”
A tear rolled gently down his cheek as he placed his forehead to hers, “You realize, this changes everything”
“Yeah, I know”
“We have so much to talk about, I can’t do this to you, I can’t let you give up the…”
Knowing where this was going, she spoke the words he had uttered earlier, “It’s OK, we’ll figure it out”
He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his lips, “I don’t deserve you Cordelia Chase”
“I know. Who does? But you are as close as anyone is ever going to get.” This time her smile did reach her eyes. Behind them they heard a cough. Realizing their friends were still in the room they turned quickly, amused by the sight before them. Both men were trying hard to recover the tears that threatened to fall. Gunn was the first to recover.
“Well, it’s about time. This went on any longer I was going to lock you two in a room till you had this out!”
“Alright, alright, could we just get back to the matter at hand?” Angel knew the abuse he would suffer at their hands, and he would take it – in time. Right now he wanted to get the ‘Jenny Calender’ thing over with so he could have that talk with Cordelia. He didn’t know where their relationship would lead, but for the first time in a very, very long time, he had hope. That is, unless Cordelia was right, and this was somehow the reanimation of the woman whose life he took. He winced at the memory of her violent death, and of the events that had followed.
The tension in the room escalated back to the moment Cordelia and Gunn returned. All heads turned as they heard the large, heavy doors of the lobby open.
“Oh, my God” Cordelia’s heart plummeted.
Part 12
“Riana, my child, have you the evidence that we require?”
The Romany clan was still a force to be reckoned with, their hierarchy still in place. Riana knew that she would have to convince the elders that the beast that had killed her twin sister was now an instrument of good. When she had first heard of her sister’s death, she wanted nothing but revenge. She had traveled to the States with that one purpose in mind. To kill the beast that had stolen her sister from her life. She began to follow him, watched and waited for her opportunity to rid this world of such an evil. Then, just as her sister had, she found what she had least expected: a soul, struggling for redemption - a soul that repeatedly fought the good fight. The revelation shook her to her core. She began to understand her sister’s need to remove the ‘curse’. She understood that the world needed his soul in place, and would be destroyed without it. With new purpose, she brought her case to the elders.
“Yes, I have countless examples where he has saved souls, helped the slayer, and now the almighty Powers-that-be. He has been given a Seer to stand by his side, and a team of warriors to aide him in the fight. It truly is my belief that he is an instrument of good, and that it is no longer our right to allow the possibility of Angelus. Our vengeance could only lead to a destruction this world has never seen.” She handed over the reports she had received from the ally she had met in the park earlier.
The Chief spoke with an authority that left all who heard, shaking in their boots “Very well, I will take that under advisement. We shall meet back here in one hour”
The relief Riana felt that the counsel was finally going to address her concerns was palpable. She breathed a sigh of relief - knowing that this was going to be the longest hour of her life. She knew that had they listened to her sister in the first place, Janna would be alive today. She needed to make this right before some other innocent lost their life as well. She was shaken from her musing as the counsel re-entered the chambers.
The Clan Chief, “I have made my decision” A collective breath was held within the chambers.
“It is only his desire to remain good that will allow him to keep his soul. It will be his triumph over the internal struggle that will keep the evil from walking among us. He must fight to keep his soul. A trial has been chosen that will bring upon the soul’s permanence, if he chooses the right path. I will grant him that, but this trial is one of spirit not easily overcome. He shall, this day forward be the bringer of his own fate. Only he will have the power to choose between heaven and hell. You say he has become an instrument of good, I hope you are right. I will not; however, excuse the pain and suffering he has brought upon us with a simple spell. If he can survive this trial and remain on the side of good, I will allow him to make his peace with his God. His soul will be permanent. I cannot believe that his fate is anything other than an eternity in the fiery pit of hell, but it is no longer for me to decide. Go child, bring forth this news.”
Part 13
“Oh my God” Cordelia’s heart plummeted at the sight of the woman before her. She backed up a few steps in a protective gesture to stand in front of Angel. Gunn and Wesley exchanged confused looks.
“That’s her!” Although obvious this was the woman from their previous discussion, Gunn felt compelled to point this out.
Cordelia was the first to take charge, “What are you doing here? How are you here? You need to leave. You can’t have him. You can’t have his soul. He is good now.”
“Cordelia” Angel was accustomed to this. One moment of good, followed by one moment of bad.
“No Angel, you are a good man” Cordelia was not going down without a fight.
“I know” the woman’s voice stilled the room.
“Excuse me?” Cordelia was the first to speak.
“I know he is a good man. I know he is a champion for the Powers that Be, and you his seer. I know that he is struggling for his redemption. That is why I am here.”
“What? What does that mean ‘That’s why I’m here’ and how do you know all that stuff, what are you now – a messenger boy for the powers?”
“Cordelia” Angel admonished.
“Oh, sorry, messenger girl.” Angel shot her a pleading look, only infuriating Cordelia more.
“Please, won’t you come in and sit down” Wesley was now the one to take charge.
“Thank you, and no, I am not a messenger girl for the Powers. I am Riana, Jenny Calender’s sister.”
Gunn leaned over and whispered to Wesley, “Who’s this Jenny Calender?”
“Shh, I’ll tell you later, just be prepared” Wesley’s attention was now on Riana, he had heard who Ms Calender was when he had first gotten to Sunnydale, so he knew that this could definitely end badly.
“For what?” oblivious to Wesley’s distraction, Gunn pressed on, and was promptly ignored.
“I won’t lie to you” Riana’s attention burned through Angel, “I came here to kill you”
Angel raised his hand, effectively halting his companions from their automatic fighting stances. “Let her continue” Although none of them relaxed, they did just that.
“I came to LA to get my revenge for the death of my sister. I knew you were strong and that it would not be easy, so, I hired a Private Investigator to log your every move - to discover your weaknesses. I went over those logs a hundred times, I wanted to find that one thing that would give me the edge - that would give me my revenge. To say I was surprised at what I found is an understatement. Then I remembered. Right before Janna was…killed…she came to our Uncle Enyos begging for your soul to be permanent. As you might have imagined, revenge is in our blood. This, to us, was just crazy talk. But the files I had gathered on you began to tell a different story. If not for the history of my tribe, and your place in it, I would have thought I was reading about the life of a man who was an instrument of good. A man the world needs to fight the evils that walk among it.”
“He is that man” Cordelia interrupted.
“I know that now. It wasn’t easy, but, I began to see what Janna had seen in him” she spoke quietly now, humbled by the revelation. “I began to see that Janna was right, and that our revenge was selfish – and dangerous.”
“You were right to want revenge” Angel was not ready to release himself from the horrors he had brought upon her tribe.
“Angel, listen to what she is saying. You are a good man, a champion that can…and has…saved the world” Cordelia had to convince him. She would not allow him to sink in to self-flagellation.
“Saved the world? Cordelia, so has Buffy, the Scoobies, you, Wes, and Gunn – in our world champions are a dime-a-dozen. What Angelus did…”
Cordelia was so angry at this point, she was seeing spots, “What Angelus did was leave a wake of death and destruction, the likes of which few others have rivaled. But you are not him” at his dejected look that she clearly didn’t understand who he was, she continued.
“No. You’re not him. I get that the demon is inside of you, a part of you – but it isn’t you.”
“Cordelia, you are just in denial…”
“No. I’m not! I get what that means. I get that it won’t take a ‘happiness clause’ to bring on Angelus. It is you, your strength and courage, and heart that keep him in his cage. Don’t you get that?” she finished at an unnaturally high fevered pitch.
“She is right, Angel. I get that now, which is why I brought your ‘case’ to the tribunal. I pleaded for the permanence of your soul.” Riana waited for this news to sink in before she continued.
“I approached the tribunal, I wanted them to see that the curse had its place at one time, but no more. I requested that your soul be permanent. They wouldn’t grant it.” At everyone’s disappointed look Riana quickly continued, “they wouldn’t grant the permanence of your soul but they did agree to remove the ‘happiness clause’. That is, if you passed the trial.”
“Trial? What trial?” Cordelia wasn’t sure how to take this news. She wanted to be happy for Angel, but this ‘trail’ made her nervous.
“They wouldn’t say. Just that one had been chosen. If he passes, the happiness clause will be removed, putting his fate in his own hands. Although, they did this believing that his fate was still an eternity in Hell.”
“So, basically what you are saying is that nothing has changed” They were in Wesley territory now and he was taking charge. “We know nothing of this trial, the when, where, or even what it entails. Did they at least hint at some sort of prophecy, perhaps, that we my look to for these answers?”
“No, that would have been too easy. I would have hoped you would be satisfied that I was able to accomplish at least that” Talk about an ungrateful bunch, Riana was beginning to think she had made a huge mistake.
“We are…I am…very grateful for what you have done. Although I’m not entirely convinced I deserve it. We will take care of this trial, when and if it comes. I promise, I will do everything in my power to not disappoint you…any of you.” He finished the last part staring into Cordelia’s eyes, willing her to understand that he meant it – and that he meant it particularly for her.
“I hope so Angel. I asked for this chance because I do believe it was right. However, if you fail, I am still a Romany, and I will kill you.” Riana silently prayed she would not have to follow through on that threat.
“You won’t have too, Angel will pass - I’ll see to that.” Cordelia never felt surer in her life that she could, and that she would, help him through this trail – at any cost to herself. She loved him too much not too.
***
Dear diary
Angel said he loved me!!!! Oh my god! I have never felt so wonderful…and scared…in all my life. He said he loves me and I love him, I think, no, I know, I mean, it has to be. I have never felt like this before about another person, but I’ve never been in love before. How can I be sure that this is how it feels? You know this would be a good time for a mother or a best girlfriend to come in handy, too bad I don’t have either…oh wait, I do have a mother – fat lot that does for me. Bitter much? Yes! And I think I’m just a little entitled. Don’t you? Well? Aright, I get it – oh poor me – get it out of your system now. Nobody likes a sniveling whiny little crybaby – oh wait – yes they do, and they are called the Scoobies! OK, now I’m just being mean. So Buffy is a little whiny and everyone loves her – everyone except Angel that is, right? There I go again – stop it! He loves you; you love him – its very simple. Except that it isn’t – not when it comes to Angel. We have so many obstacles standing in our way. First there’s the Vampire thing – not so tuff, we’ve been dealing so far. On the bright side (hah! No pun intended!) He only drinks blood, which is good ‘cause I can’t cook. He can’t go out in the sun; I save on sunscreen. Besides, given our occupation, its all good. He can’t give me children but according to the doctors, the rebar incident probably made that a non-issue. So really the only thing standing in our way is Angelus. I admit that that frightens me, but according to the news we got today, that will be fixed soon. So the only thing I have to worry about is getting him through this ‘trial’ Riana told us about. What if he doesn’t pass it? Then what? NO – I will not think that way, there is too much at stake here. He will pass, if it’s the last thing I do, because in the end that is what is most important – that he keep his soul in tact. Ok, so it’s settled. I love him, he loves me, we get through this trial together to save his soul; and then we can start to build a life – together.
me
TBC