Title: In the Pale Moonlight
Author: Izzychase (Linq)
Posted: 06-24-2002
Email: yellow_irises@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Content:
Summary: Angel reflects on Cordelia by himself, in the pale moonlight.
Distribution: Drop me a line and it's yours.
Timeline: Set several days after "To Shansu in L.A."
Disclaimer:: I don't own anything, so please don't come and file any litigations. =p
I look out over the hills of Los Angeles, beyond the sprawling, well-lit metropolitan city, beyond the hills that lie east, beyond, beyond, and beyond, until I can almost see lush, green, Ireland in my mind's eye again. Beautiful, rugged Ireland, surrounded by the lashing, fierce seas on either side, like a vibrant, exquisite emerald surrounded by sapphire oceans that melt and blend with the sunset. I close my eyes in pain once more, not wanting to revisit all the memories of pain, loss, destruction, and betrayal. I erase the picture of Galway from my mind and open my dark chestnut eyes to Los Angeles once more. The night breeze blows softly, rustling the curtains of my balcony, not chilling but welcome; it whispers words to me, like the words of the prophecy that Wesley translated to me days before. The moon's silver light shines down palely tonight, as if not daring to show off all its splendor until it comes to peace with itself. I stare out into the dark night, devoid of stars, and I reflect. This darkness is like the darkness in my soul; a pitch dark that you cannot find rediscover the light in, a darkness that lives inside me, beneath the surface and beneath my pale skin, that threatens to engulf my soul like the dark extinguishing a single flame.
My soul. These two words, that seem so simple to utter, explain the other half of my life. My soul led me to America, to Whistler the demon that showed me a chance at redemption. My soul, "mine eternal jewel" led me to a love too passionate, too fast, and too soon that I had to walk away from it. My soul led me to the Slayer, the one girl that I could never be with and the one girl that I could never have, and it drove me away from Sunnydale, to Los Angeles. My flight confused her and it hurt her, I know, but I knew deep down that it was the only thing to do. I could never be a part of the Slayer's world, I could never share the warmth of the sunlight with her and I cannot see her in the sun like her friends Willow, Xander, and even Riley can. I have nothing to offer, nothing but centuries of despair, destruction, and grief. I have nothing to share, except pain. There are no picnics in the park I can offer, no trips to beaches, and no kisses to give before she goes to her next class. The only view I can offer is not the view of bright, hot, sunny, Southern California, lush and carefree, but only the view of the night sky, shimmering with stars; bright but distant.
The Shansu prophecy is the only thing we discuss in the office at Angel Investigations nowadays, with Wesley furrowing his brow in frustration and jotting down ideas on paper, with Cordelia refilling cups of coffee as quickly as Wesley and I consume them; fair Cordelia running around, fetching books, searching for information on the Internet, and just basically keeping everything calm. Shansu was a horrible prophecy the first time Wesley gave a translation, saying that Shansu meant death. I was disappointed in the prophecy, that the only reward at the end of the long journey was death, but in a way, I welcomed it. If my death was the only way to end the trouble and destruction I caused while I lived, if ‘living' was the right term to use, I would die gladly, knowing that I finally found redemption. A day later, Wesley came up with the more accurate translation of the prophecy.
"What Shansu really means, Angel, is that the vampire in you will die, but the human inside you will live." Wesley had told us, his face beaming as I took this all in.
It seemed impossible, fantastic, and unreal. The demon that inhabited the same body inside, the demon known as Angelus would finally die off, someday, while the human inside, the being known as Angel would live. It was a shock to me, and I needed time to take it all in. However, Cordy promised me that she would stick by me until that day came and she would always be there. It was a wonderful feeling; to be surrounded by my family in LA and to hear that redemption was the reward promised.
That day, I also realized what a great group of friends I had. I miss Doyle; miss his wonderful sense of humor and his laid-back attitude, but I also understand that he died so that we could live. He died to save us, and I know that I'm lucky to have such a wonderful friend. Most of us never meet a friend in our life like Doyle, but I'm glad of all the time we spent together, and I know that Doyle is one of the lights of my life, just like Cordelia and Wesley. Wesley, the serious Watcher is another one of my best friends, always there for me and always helpful with the research aspect. He's not Doyle, because no one could ever take the place of Doyle in my life, but Wesley is a true friend. Finally, I reflect on Cordelia.
Cordelia Chase. The May Queen of Sunnydale High School. The former half-Scooby that dated Xander and the second person that distrusted me the most after I came back from my ordeal in Hell. My best friend. It's true. Cordy is my best friend. She's the innovative and creative one at the office, bringing new ideas to Angel Investigations and always willing to try them out. She has a presence, an aura that sparkles, shines, and glimmers on its very own. I do not need the light of the sun or the moon to see how truly beautiful Cordelia is. She has her very own spotlight following her around. She's not just a pretty face. I admit that Cordelia is a very attractive young woman; with the curly dark hair, almost the color of pure onyx, the deep brown eyes that remind me of warm fires on dark nights, and full, ruby-red lips that must be like heaven to kiss. Cordelia's also smart. She got accepted into every college and university she wanted but her family lost all their money soon after that. Sometimes I think that Cordelia is wasted as an actress out in L.A. She deserves so much more than what cruel fate gives her. She could easily enter Harvard Law School and become a lawyer working for a prestigious firm. Instead, she takes messages at Angel Investigations, helps with research, fetches books that Wesley needs, and hands out the snacks. She's a light in my life that I never had before. I feel I can talk to her about anything, and Doyle's death brought us even closer together. She's even my Seer now, and that creates a bond stronger than anything Buffy and I had. She's not just the materialistic, uninvolved May Queen now. She's my family, my best friend, and my guiding light to redemption.
Buffy and I were never friends. As Spike put it, we could never be friends. We would love each other until one of us died. Buffy and I were only star-crossed lovers, like Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. To give it deep thought, which is what I've been doing for the past year, Buffy and I never knew each other that well. We never understood the fine details of each other's personalities, never known each other's pet peeves or known each other's little habits. Maybe it was because of our different roles. I was a vampire while she was a Slayer. Maybe it was our "Slayers are doomed to never love vampires" atmosphere. What is forbidden drives our passion even more. Maybe it was the secrecy, the meetings in the graveyard in dark nights, all the times that we saved each other that drove our romance. It was the idea that we could never be together that drove this play to its present moment. We were all playing a part. Buffy played the part of the plucky heroine while I played her doomed lover. As Shakespeare quotes, "All the World is a stage."
I'm not talking about Buffy behind her back. She is a very fine young woman, very courageous, very quick, and fun to be around. She is a great person, but I want to move on because to stay in Sunnydale was madness. The passion is gone, and the balanced perspective remains. I dislike Riley but I am glad she's found the right person, instead of me.
I am afraid of losing the comfortable atmosphere that Cordy, Wesley, and I currently share. I am afraid to disrupt the balance, to disrupt the comfortable family feeling that exists now. In metropolitan L.A., I find a happiness that I never found in Sunnydale, among the Scooby gang. I found warmth, friendship, and a place to belong. None of us really belonged in with the Scoobies. Cordy was there because she was dating Xander. Wesley was the unwanted Watcher that was found to be more of an annoyance than an asset. And I? I was the enemy for a while, when Angelus was unleashed, and afterwards I was just in the background. L.A. drew us together; within its vastness it gave us a home. Cordelia, Wesley, and I fit together like a family once scattered but now reunited. As much as I don't want to disturb the harmony, I cannot ignore these growing feelings inside me. As much as I turn my back away from the light, it will remain there. I feel that I love Cordelia in a way that I never loved, and can never love Buffy but I feel there is nothing to offer her.
Cordelia deserves someone so much more than I can ever be. I'm not really a hero. I'm just working for the redemption, for the grace that is not mine to receive. I'm not Buffy's unobtainable soul mate, nor am I Cordelia's destiny. I am a demon with a fair face; I'm not the Prince Charming of the fairy tales.
I look up towards the sky again, wondering why I always brood. That explains the nickname ‘Broody boy', and the various other sobriquets that Cordelia gives me. Like Cordelia says, I really need to get out more. I cannot keep running away from my problems and I cannot continue to bottle them up inside. The moon is a pale crescent, its pale light barely shining down upon the ground. The stars are small and faded tonight, and I finally realize something.
If I deny the feelings inside; if I deny the love I feel towards Cordelia, I will never experience what it's like to feel warm and loved again. The light of the moon will stay hidden and covered by doubts and worries. I can never enjoy the benevolence of the sun again, I know. However, if I ignore the feelings inside, I will continue to walk in the shadows until the day someone stakes me and ends my existence. Becoming human again will have no meaning because there will be no one to share this life with. The Shansu prophecy will be fulfilled but useless. I will continue to walk in the worlds of light and shadow, but I will never truly enjoy the light of the sun nor the light of the moon. If I at least confess my feelings to Cordelia, perhaps she will have the same feelings for me. She had an intense crush on me in Sunnydale, I know. She tried to get between me and Buffy but it never worked. Perhaps she and I can be together now. The moon will at least be able to show off its true beauty and splendor; not as glorious as the sun, but having its own radiance and uniqueness.
I wrap my long, black jacket a little more tightly around me and I turn my back to the hills past Los Angeles. I walk out the door to Cordelia's apartment. There are some things I have to confess; some feelings that I have to admit. The moonlight is still pale, and so will my life if I continue to deny and ignore the chances for happiness and love. No, it's time to tell Cordelia how I feel.
End.