Title: Dreams Not So Far Away
Author: Izzychase
Posted: 07-24-2002
Rating: G
Email: slide_2the_otherside@yahoo.com
Content:
Summary: Angel goes to Cordelia's apartment, during a power outage, and finally admits his feelings to her.
Spoilers: Set a night after "In The Pale Moonlight", which is still several days after "To Shansu in L.A."
Disclaimer: Angel and all the other characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, and everyone else except me. Don't come and file litigations, please.
Distribution: Drop me a line and it's yours.
Notes: Thanks for archiving this! This is my second fic, and I hope you enjoy it!
Feedback: Feedback is very appreciated- in fact, I beg for it most of the time!
The dark-haired, pale vampire with the tormented and tortured hazel eyes walked through the deserted streets of Los Angeles with intent and purpose. The streets were quiet, lit only by the streetlights and the silver moonlight that shone down on the pavement. The bustling, metropolitan city that was the commercial capital of Southern California was strangely quiet tonight, especially in Cordelia's neighborhood. The vampire suddenly noticed that all the lights were out, and realized why it so quiet. He walked faster and faster, his strides growing greater and greater in length until he was almost running. Maybe Cordelia was trapped in an elevator. Maybe she had fallen in the darkness and hurt herself. Maybe she was dying as he walked. Maybe you're paranoid, Angel, the vampire thought to himself, and he willed himself to slow down. He reached her apartment building and pressed the buzzer. He was about to smack himself for not remembering the power was out when Cordelia's cheery voice answered.
"Hey, Cor, it's me, Angel. I saw that your neighborhood was out of power and I hoped you were ok. Is everything all right?" Silently, he cursed himself for sounding like an overly concerned parent. He had another question to ask. "Wait, if the power's out, how come the buzzer still works?"
"Generator. Do you want to come up?" Cordy asked, and the vampire replied in the affirmative. The door unlocked, and he pushed it open. He walked up three flights of stairs, and down the carpeted hall to Cordy's apartment. He knocked lightly on the door, and Cordy opened it right away for him.
"Hey Angel, come on in," She greeted him. She looked as stunning as always: Tight black flares and a demure but classy brown tank top that went well with her curly, dark brown hair and hazel eyes. The vampire smiled a greeting that didn't lose its effect on the young woman as he stepped in. Cordelia had to admit that her best friend was a major hunk, especially if you went for the tall, dark, and broody types. She remembered the first time she saw him in Sunnydale: when she was the spoiled princess and he was the grieving vampire head over heels in love with the Slayer. Well, the princess part had changed but she wasn't sure about the grieving vampire part. Physically, not much about Angel changed. He was still the pale, tall, vampire with the dark brown hair and the dark eyes that reminded her of long nights and dark shadows. They definitely knew each other better now, and they had grown closer with the death of Doyle.
For a while, it seemed like after Doyle died, it was just the two of them alone in a world that was unfriendly and frightening. It seemed like no one cared about them anymore, while the two of them were simply united by the death of Doyle, who was a member of their family.
Cordelia felt more comfortable and she felt like she had a home again when they discovered Wesley hunting demons in L.A. and Angel and Cordy persuaded him to work with them. They were a new family now; there were still squabbles between Cordy and Wesley, the occasional interference into arguments by Angel, but the three of them were a team and a family that worked, played, and slayed together. The trio of buddies that seemed so unlikely in Sunnydale made itself a reality in L.A.
The friendships had changed in L.A., but so had Cordelia. She had left her old, materialistic life as Daddy's girl behind in Sunnydale, and she had stripped away the illusion and grandeur of being rich. She also realized she was no longer the innocent girl who had no idea of what happened at night, but this knowledge now separated her from the normal world. She could no longer go back to living her life before after she met the Scoobies and Giles. Her world also changed by becoming Angel and Wesley's best friend. Cordelia still wasn't quite sure where she stood with Angel. Before Doyle's death, Angel was just like a member of the family. After Doyle's death, he became her best friend. And now? After all they had been through together, they were not only best friends and comrades, but were they something more? Cordelia was confused on her feelings, and trying to figure out where they stood was as difficult as leading Angel to her living room in the darkness. In the encircling darkness with Angel, Cordelia felt strangely comforted. The darkness that transformed her sunny, airy, cute and chic Southern Californian apartment into a pitch-black, confined area, no longer seemed so impending and frightening. Strangely enough, there's now both a ghost -and- a vampire in my apartment, and I feel safer than before, Cordelia thought, wanting to chuckle.
"Juice? Milk? Oh, right, you drink blood. I should keep more in my fridge if I knew you'd be a frequent guest," She quipped, wanting to escape the tension in the living room, as Angel sat down on her couch. She went to the kitchen, trying to analyze what kind of tension there was in the room. It was not the awkward sort of tension, like they were strangers at a party, but it was the kind of impending tension where she felt Angel would be trying to tell her something tonight. She opened her fridge, turned on the flashlight, and grimacing slightly, took out the bag of blood and emptied the contents into a tall shaker glass. She carried it back to the living room and offered it to him with one of her Cordy smiles, and sat down on the couch beside him, curling her legs up.
"I want to talk, Cordy," Angel said, sipping the blood out of the glass. "Classy." He commented.
"Thanks." She replied, but her hazel eyes narrowed and she raised an eyebrow. "You didn't come here to talk about my taste in glassware, did you?"
"No." Angel smiled. It was still dark, but she decided Angel had a nice smile. It was friendly, and cute, even. "I want to talk about the prophecy."
As he uttered the words, the vampire winced. No, this had not gone off on the right footing. What he really wanted to do was let Cordelia know how he felt about her. That was linked to the prophecy, but the vampire was mentally kicking himself for his choice of words.
"Oh," Cordy said, slightly disappointed. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe all Angel wanted to talk about was work. Work. Right. After all, he was her boss, right? She tried to show interest, although she was pretty certain, that all they talked about nowadays was the Shansu thing. Shansu. Death. Life. Whatever.
"No, I don't want to talk about the prophecy," the vampire muttered. Cordelia arched another eyebrow. Was he going schizophrenic? "Well, I sort of do want to talk about the prophecy, but that's not all."
"Slow down, Angel. What -do- you want to talk about?" She asked, surprised at how gentle her voice had become.
"Us, actually." He confessed.
"Ok, cool. We can talk about that." She said, shrugging slightly. "We're best friends, right?"
"Right, and I think we've come a long way." Angel replied, starting to get a little more comfortable. He got up, and Cordy motioned for Dennis to light a candle, so she could see better. Dennis lit the long, elegant, pink-blue-and green striped candle Cordy had made a long time ago, as Angel started to walk over to the window. The vampire looked out the window, out to the city, the hills, and everything beyond, until he finally he glanced at the moon. He was inspired, and collected his thoughts. Meanwhile, Cordelia kept quiet on the couch and waited for Angel to say something.
"What I think I want to say, is, if I ever do reach Shansu, I also realized something else." Angel began, still looking at the way the moon shed its pale light on the streets and pavement below.
"And?" Cordy asked, "Continue."
"I realized that the prophecy would be useless, unless I told you how I felt about you. Shansu would be fulfilled but it would be meaningless." Angel continued, with his back to her, still.
"How do you feel about me, Angel?" Cordy asked softly, thinking that maybe her guess wouldn't be so far off, after all.
"I never really loved Buffy, because I never knew her that well. You're different; I know you really well; and I feel that Doyle's death brought the two of us closer together." Angel told her, finally turning back to look at her.
"That's how I feel, too." She said, delighted that Angel felt the same way.
"I care about you. I really do. However, I don't think I'm worthy of you. We're two different people: you're bright, optimistic, and glorious like the sun- you illuminate my life and my darkness, and me- I'm the dark, wary and broody one." He sighed, his dark hazel eyes telling Cordelia more than he would ever say.
"That's not true," Cordy protested, but something in Angel's look silenced her.
"You shouldn't have to go through this, Cordelia. The paths I walk are dark and long- so dark that you will think sometimes that it's not worth it, and that there's no hope left anywhere. Sometimes, I think this whole Shansu thing is just a dream- a dream that's too far away for me to catch. The darkness in my soul is in many ways, bottomless, and my soul is the only flame- the only light that won't hurt me. The road to redemption is not an easy one, and I don't want to drag you and Wesley with me. I know you're a smart girl, Cordelia. The only reason why you didn't go on to university or college was because of your financial situation, not because you weren't smart. In fact, I have no doubt that if you applied to Ivy League, they would accept you. You shouldn't be dragged into this ugly world where everything is bleak and desolate." Angel told her, searching her hazel eyes with his.
"Look, ever since what happened in Sunnydale, I can't be normal anymore. I know the truth about the unexplained deaths where the victim has two punctured holes in his neck. I know what goes on in the night while everyone else is sleeping blissfully in ignorance. I can't go away to Ivy League or whatever leaving you and Wesley behind. You didn't drag us, Angel. We chose to come." The former May Queen could be obstinate when she wanted to, and now, the vampire could even see in the darkness the strong lines of her jaw and neck, and how proud she held her head up.
"It's not fair, Cordelia." Angel tried once again, but this time, he was silenced by his Seer's look.
"You say your soul is like a candle, alone in the midst of darkness, like my candle over there." Cordelia mused, glancing at the pink-blue-and green striped candle that was still burning steadily on the windowsill. Angel, looking at the candle, nodded. The smile that had barely touched her lush, red lips widened. Cordelia stood up, walked over to a shelf, took another candle down, and placed it on the windowsill. It was identical to the one that was burning brightly. She struck a match, and lit the identical, pink-blue- and green striped candle and placed it beside the one that was already lit. She turned back to the pale vampire, whose skin was like ivory in the pale candlelight and the pale moonlight. "Did I ever tell you that when I made that candle, I made a twin? Wesley and I chose to stay with you, Angel, because the three of us are best friends. I choose to walk the difficult and dark path of my own free will. I love you- and let my love and my light illuminate your way to Shansu. It's a dream, yes- but it's not so far away now."
The pale vampire slowly bent down to kiss Cordelia's lips, and the beautiful young woman wrapped her arms around his neck. Far away, surrounded by the shimmering stars in the velvety night sky, the moon shed its brilliant light over the city of Los Angeles, particularly casting its beams towards the Spanish style apartment building that Cordelia Chase lived in, and showing the two lovers kissing in the window, surrounded by two home-made striped candles that burned brightly in the voids of darkness.
End.