Title: Welcome To Bizzaroland
Author: Haunted
Posted: 03-30-2003
Email: angelcrz@adelphia.net
Rating: PG
Category:
Content: C/A
Summary: A visitor drops by Angel Investigations
Spoilers: Sometime probably in the third season...don't think it matters
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Nothing Fancy...other wise just ask
Notes: Oh boy, this was something I wrote for my dear friend Melissa as a little gift after she let me read her lovely fic. So here's an early birthday present!
Feedback: Haha, I guess

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His head hurt. He had been working for hours and had gotten nowhere. This one went here, and that one went there. None of it made any sense. How was he still in business? Damn it! Where did he put that file he just had? Was there any system to this at all, and why the hell was the Anderson case filed under U? Oh yes, he would definitely have to talk to her about this.

As if on cue, Cordelia entered the hotel. Angel turned to face her, ready to reprimand her for her horrendous filing system, when he noticed her tearstained face.

"Cordelia? Cordelia? What's the matter? Was it a vision? Are you okay? Did something hurt you?" Angel asked concerned. At this, Cordelia started to sob hysterically. Not quite sure what was wrong, Angel pulled her into his strong embrace. "Shh…it's okay, baby. Tell me what happened." He whispered softly.

"We-well, he was… loved her…the-they sang…duke…and sh-she coughed…and he-he…oh god!" Cordelia choked incoherently.

Angel was panicked. He hadn't understood a word she had said. He gently rocked her in his arms. "Okay, Cordy, listen, take it slowly."

Taking in a few deep breaths, Cordelia seemed to gain her composure. She began speaking again, trying not to break into tears. "Oh, Angel, it was so awful! They were in love, and the-the stupid duke-guy had to ruin it, we-well, him and consumption. And he wrote her a song and-"

"Who? What? The duke wrote her a song? Who's the duke? Do I know him?"

"No! The duke didn't wr-write her the song! Chris-Christian did! And-and then they were ha-happy, and-and sh-she died! She died Angel!" Cordelia finished and starting bawling again.

Angel held Cordelia even tighter. How was it that no matter how hard he tried, he always seemed to make it worse?

"What in the world is going on down here?" Lorne asked descending the stairs to the lobby. "I was having a seabreeze and listening to my Barbra Streisand Greatest hits CD, wonderful album I must say, and all of a sudden I hear Princess here pulling a Mariah Carey. What's up, Angelcakes? What's got Muffin crying?"

"I honestly don't know." Angel answered slowly becoming more desperate.

"And don't call me pastries!" Cordelia mumbled.

"Oh come on! That line has been used before!"

All three members of Angel Investigations turned to face the stranger who had suddenly appeared in the room.

"Okay, now I know I need to hold back on the seabreezes," Lorne sighed.

"How did you get in here?" Angel asked the stranger, "Portal?" The girl didn't look like a threat, but not all demons did. She looked young, still in her younger to middle teenage years, and she stood only about five and a half feet. Her shoulder length dark brown hair was flipped out at the ends, and a few loose bangs fell on her forehead. The baseball style t-shirt she was wearing was pushed up to her elbows, and her overalls were bunched around the top of her black ankle high boots.

"Well, I'm guessing this is my friend's fault. I told her not to play with that talisman! Things never end well!"

"So who are you?" Cordelia inquired.

"Who me? Oh, I'm the slayer."

At this Angel, Cordelia, and Lorne gasped. It was Angel who finally spoke up, "A-a s-slayer?"

"No. Not really. My friend just thought it would be funny to say that to you if I ever met you." The girl responded quickly, and then added, "But it wasn't nearly as funny as I thought."

"Huh?" Came the universal response.

"Yeah, I thought maybe you'd like bow down at my feet and pay me homage or something. Huh. Too bad. That would've been a nice." The stranger replied longingly. "Yup, would've been nice to have a gorgeous man at my beck and call."

"Again, I repeat, huh?" Cordelia stepped closer, but Angel pulled her behind him.

"Bloody Hell! I'm trying to read! Could you please keep it down in here?" Wesley stormed into the room carry a small paperback novel. "I would appreciate it if you did not disturb me. I need to find out what happens to those ten people on that island!" He finished loudly.

"Wesley! You're here!" The stranger ran up and hugged the handsome Brit. She examined his throat carefully. "And your throat's not slit!" She squealed in delight when she found no scar.

"Uhhh…yes…hello…" The Watcher eyed the girl, "Do I know you?"

"Not really, but I know you. Kinda creepy actually," The stranger replied thoughtfully. "Hey…wait a minute…ten people on an island…are you reading-"

"Oh well, yes, that's quite interesting. Who are you? Where are you from? How did you get here? Why are you here?" Wesley asked the mysterious person nervously.

"Oh my God you are!"

"He's what?" Angel inquired.

"He's reading Agatha Christie!" A loud laugh escaped the girl's lips. Her face contorted until she could no longer hold the laughter back, and she broke down into a fit of giggles. Cordelia and Lorne joined in laughing, and even Angel shook with pent up laughter.

"Ha ha, yes, how very droll."

When the group's laughter had died down, Wesley, who was clearly annoyed, spoke up. "Now, in all seriousness, who are you?"

The girl just smiled, "Oh, I'm-"

"Oh! No one told me we had a visitor! I mean, I wasn't in the room, so nobody could have told me. Well, that is unless they left the room to get me. But it's okay, I mean I really didn't need to know, I just wanted to know. And you don't always get everything you want. Like when I was eight years old, and all I wanted for Christmas was one of those dolls you can burp and change its diapers and feed, which is actually kind of silly once you think about it. I mean-"

"FRED!" Everyone in the room shouted at the young woman.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was I babbling again? 'Cause I didn't mean to, I was just-"

"Fred! As you can see we have a little problem here," Cordelia cut off the Texan. "Now, can you please tell us who you are?" She asked, clearly becoming frustrated.

"All right," the girl began, "My name is-"

"Morning, friends and neighbors!" Gunn called from the top of the lobby steps.

"Oh for God's sake! What is it with you people! That line has already been used!" The teenager brought her hands to her head in exasperation. "You would think you could be more original, but no. Come on, I know you people are witty."

Gunn froze half way down his descent. "What are you talkin' about? And who are you?" Gunn asked defensively.
"You said that in Waiting in the Wings. Trust me, I would know. That's my favorite episode. Ya know, you guys go to the ballet and see Giselle?" The group continued to stare at the girl blankly. "Oh boy, this is going to be fun," she muttered under her breath.

"JUST TELL US WHO YOU ARE!" Angel screamed. Everyone in the room turned to face the vampire. A sheepish grin spread across his face, "I was just…ya know…I just wanted…" He stumbled to find the right words.

"Listen, Angel. Don't strain yourself. I know this is going to be really confusing, so I'll try my best to explain it." Once again the story began, "My name is-"

"Peaches!"

"For crying out loud!" Cordelia threw her hands up in the air. "What is going on? I mean right when she's about to tell us who she is, someone interrupts her. And now Spike, of all people, or vampires, or WHATEVER, shows up. What is this? Some kind of lame fan-fic?"

"Well, yeah, actually." The stranger replied.

"Wow." Even Fred stood speechless.

"Okay, this is the last time I'm gonna try this." The girl waited for someone to barge in, when no one did, she continued. "My name is Melissa, and I am fourteen years old. You got that so far?" Melissa asked the group. They nodded. "I'm not quite sure how I got here, but I think it may have something to do with-"

"A talisman."

"Damn it, Spike! You stole my thunder! How did you know?"

"There's always a talisman."

"Oh, right, yeah. I forgot you guys like to repeat other people's lines."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

"All right, no need to get violent, ducks."

"Yeah. Any ways, I think it might have been a talisman that brought me here to Bizzaroland."

"Hold on a second, Crumb Buns. How did little old you get a hold of a talisman? And why on earth did you try to use its powers? You weren't trying to get revenge on anyone, were you?" Lorne asked Melissa gently. "'Cause honey, that just does not look good on you."

"Lorne, you don't even want to know the kind of things you can get on E-Bay. I mean, how was I supposed to know it was a real talisman?" She finished accusingly.

"So you bought something that held dark powers?" Cordelia questioned. "'Cause we all know how well that went last time." She finished sarcastically.

"Umm…well…I didn't know it held actual powers! AND I didn't buy it! My friend did! Something about not wanting to be out done by the Once More With Feeling DVD..."

"Oh give the kid a break, and maybe a seabreeze. She looks like she could use one right about now."

"I think we could all use a seabreeze," Gunn sighed.

"Yeah, maybe you should go twirl around your hubcap ax, or something," Melissa suggested to Gunn, making a flailing motion with her hands.

"What?!"

"Never mind."

"Okay." Gunn glared at the girl, crossing his arms.

"Well, I think this is wonderful. We haven't had a guest in so long. Well, there have been those evil lawyers, oh, and an occasional G'winshynov demon, but no real guests. I remember this one time, my Aunt Judy came and we-"

"Slow down there, Pumpkin. We want to help her find her way home, not overwhelm her to death." Lorne patted Fred on the shoulder.

Melissa gave a hopeful look. "So, you can help me then?"

"Of course," Cordelia responded gently, "we help the helpless. It's what we do. You seem like you could use some help." She then added, "Oh, and I'm sorry for being so snippy."

"No problem."

"Oh, a research party! I just love doing research, it makes you feel so, well, needed. Oh! You're not worried are you? 'Cause whenever I get worried or nervous, I just repeat pi. It's easy see- 3.14159265358979323846-"

"Uh, Fred, I'm well aware you wish to help our guest, but I think it might be more helpful to start researching," Wesley suggested.

"Oh. Right. Research. Silly me!" With that Fred skipped over to the lobby counter and flipped open her laptop. Wesley gave a small smile, removed his glasses, wiped them, and then gently placed them back on his face. He then walked into his office, emerging a few moments later carrying a large stack of books.

"Wow Wes, are all those really necessary?" Cordelia asked exasperated.

"Yes, well, as Spike has said, talismans are quite plentiful, thus we need many books to locate the exact one."

"I think I've found something!" Fred jumped up excitedly, much to everyone's delight. "Oh…wait…" she frowned, "It's just some weird site…apparently some guy named Willy loves Katie…and skateboarding....huh…weird site…"

"Well this just keeps getting funner," Melissa sighed.

Wesley looked up from his book, "I'm sorry, but funner isn't a word."

"It is now."

"Fine."

"Oh!" Fred exclaimed again. Heads went up. "Oh sorry again, it's some site called Stranger Things. Hmmm…I wonder where this link will take me…"

Everyone continued on with their researching. Seconds later Fred let out a screech, and her cheeks turned bright red with embarrassment.

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, this is definitely the wrong site! I mean I figured with a name like Stranger Things, wow! I mean…wow. I just clicked on the link and oh my, I didn't know that…okay, I'm done with the computer research! Does anyone want tacos?"

"Fred?"

"I'll be right back. I need a taco." With that she sped out of the hotel.

"Okay, that was…interesting," Cordelia raised her eyebrows.

"Hey guys, I think I found something." Everyone in the room turned to stare at Angel. "What?" he asked awkwardly.

"Really? You found something? 'Cause I've read the book, seen the movie, and I'm still fuzzy about what's going on." Cordelia replied.

"Oh boy," Melissa muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah, I found something. It mentions portals, and talismans, and stuff." Angel finished weakly.

"And stuff?" Spike asked with an amused smile on his face.

"Shut up, William."

"Hey!"

"Boys, stop it! Don't even start!"

"Yes, Cordelia," Both vampires responded in unison, ducking their heads.

"Any ways, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Angel glared at Spike, "this book describes different talismans and their purposes."

"Oh, this is good! We might actually be of some help!" Cordelia smiled.

Wesley glanced over the book giving a quick nod, "Yes, ah, Melissa, why don't you look through this book and see if can identify the talisman you friend purchased."

Melissa nodded and picked up the large, ancient, leather bound book and stared intently at the pages. Carefully flipping each page, she felt the groups eyes on her. "Jesus Christ! What? What is everyone staring at?!"

"Oh, we're just bored out of our bloody minds that's all," Spike replied. "What am I doing here in the first place?" He finished wondering to himself.

"Oh! OH! I think I found it!" Melissa screamed in excitement.

Wesley quickly ran to the young girl's side to study the talisman she had found. "Well, I guess it makes sense." He stated as he gently took the book from her grasp.

"So, Wes, Agatha Christie?" Melissa couldn't help but smile.

"I-I-"

Spike interjected, "Oh! I love Murder on the Orient Express! At the start I thought that Mrs. Hubbard was the murderer, but then-" Everyone stared at Spike in disbelief. "What?! It's a bloody good book!"

"Oh, bugger you all." The vampire sunk further in his chair.

"Well," Wesley continued, "Yes, this should be a fairly easy fix, we should have back to a- to a- to where ever you came from in no time."

"All right so what do I have to do? 'Cause if I have to dance around, or kill a pig, or bathe myself in the bodily secretions of a Hafbreck demon, I swear to God I will kill Sarah."

"Deadest man in deadonia, huh?" Cordelia asked.

"Oh. My. God." Melissa rubbed her face.

"What did I say?"

"Nothing."

"No, there will be no bathing in bile. Just a simple incantation." Wesley reassured the girl.

"Okay. Good. No killing of Sarah will be needed."

"Right."

Gunn stared at Wesley, "Well, how do we do this, cause ya know, as much as I like guests, I would really like to get back to my X-Box. Ya see, I got this hot new game called Buffy the-"

"We can begin the ritual at once." Wesley interrupted, Gunn and quickly moved to the office to collect the needed articles.

After gathering all the needed items, the group began the spell. As Wesley murmured the spell in some ancient, archaic language, Angel countered in Latin. The group shielded their eyes as blue lights swirled around the young girl, and a blinding light slowly enveloped the lobby. When the light had disappeared, the room stared at where the girl had once been.

"Huh, guess it worked. Who wants to play X-Box?"

***

"So," Cordelia asked Angel later that night, "has Fred come back yet?"

"No, but Patty, from that Mexican restaurant down the street, called and said that Fred's been there for hours. She hasn't even stopped eating tacos to breathe. I sent Wes and Gunn to go save her."

"I wonder what got her so worked up. I mean one minute she talking about a website, the next, Boom! Taco binge!"

Angel suddenly had an idea, "Hey, didn't Fred leave the computer on?"

"Uh, yeah, and I don't think she ever closed the website either!"

Cordelia looked at Angel, their eyes both glinting with curiosity. Running to the laptop, Cordelia stared at the screen, a smile spreading across her face, "She left it up!"

"Well," Angel asked, "Why don't you click on something?"

"All right, how 'bout this one?" Cordelia quickly clicked on a link that read: The Broken Pieces (10/?).

Moments later an embarrassed screech could be heard throughout the Hyperion.

"Ah, s-so, An-Angel, y-you want t-to wa-atch Moulin Rouge?"

End.