Title: Aftermath
Author: Florrie
Posted: 00-08-2002
Email: florrie59@yahoo.com
Rating: PG13
Category:
Content: C/A
Summary: She reeked of him. In her hair, on her skin, her breath, her clothes and when she walked past me, god, the over-powering Giles of her.
Spoilers: We are still post "Epiphany" and pre "Belonging".
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution:
Notes: "Aftermath" is a direct follow-on from the events in "Praeludere", the Cordelia/Giles segment of this series. We are now back in the land of C/A! "Aftermath" will be taking on a part-journal, part-talking to yourself and part-dialogue style. It works for me, I hope it works for you!
Feedback:
Thanks/Dedication: Thanks also to the regulars at the fantastic "Stranger Things" for all the fabulous feedback on "Praeludere". You're tremendous!Part 15
There’s so much to say, to write. I’ve been sifting through, wondering where to start. I’ll never forget the first time I saw my baby, or its face smeared with blood. I’ll never forget, but I want to write it all down, just in case. Come on Cord, start at the start and stop at the end. Who said that, the Mad Hatter?
The Hotel was empty when I arrived. No Wes, Gunn or Fred. No Angel either, but I wasn’t expecting to see him. Mid-afternoon - he’d be asleep or brooding. And I didn’t want to see him, did I? Not much. Yeah, sure, I wanted to ‘bump’ into him, accidentally and hope he didn’t run like a startled hare. Ask him if he meant what he said about loving me, if that was why he was shutting himself away from me. I needed to know so we could ... I don’t know, so we could avoid each other.
I decided to get the laundry started first and while I was waiting I could sit in the office with the books and, hopefully, write up the hundreds of checks (I wish!) that have been sitting there gathering dust. I might only be half-vision girl now but I’m still finance-whizz-girl!
I started tottering down the wooden staircase into the basement. The lights were on and I could hear a steady thunk-a-chunk from down below. I was about to accidentally, oops, run into Angel. I stopped on the stair for a moment to listen. He hadn’t noticed me. You know when you really want to do something but you are too excited-scared and scared-scared to go on? That’s where I was.
Someone must have got tired of waiting for me to make a decision ‘cause it was taken away from me. In a split second my view of the world toppled, caved in and lay there, pawing at the air, belly up.
First, I think it came first, there was an almighty crunching cramping ripple of pain deep down inside me, from the baby, then the stairs moved - they kind of bent and swayed but it was hard to tell because I was bending and swaying too and the lights were coming and going and then I was coming and going and it was dark and rumbly and black.
I fell. I must have fallen. When the earth stopped shaking I ached all over and the dirty clothes bag was under me and the baby was screaming inside me.
***
I didn’t see her or hear her or smell her. I was hell-bent on destroying the punch bag, absolutely tuned out. I should have sensed it coming, I usually do. The earthquake hit mid strike, the bag swung around and hit me on the back of the head. I don’t know how long it was before I woke up. I was already in a fuzzy world, the headache didn’t help.It was dark, I could hear a tap dripping and something crackling in the distance and Cordelia moaning and calling for me. Cordelia? How?
Fear and blood. Two of my favourite scents. Used to be, used to be. I could smell them, mixed into the dank, dark air.
***
“Cordelia?”“Angel? I thought you must have gone...”
“I’m here. You shouldn’t be.”
“Please... Angel.”
“Leave. Now.”
“God, are you crazy? Look at me? No lights, right, but you can see? Vampire vision? I’m not going anywhere in a hurry.”
“You’re hurt? I can smell blood...”
“The stairs...collapsed... I fell, the baby, Angel, the baby’s coming...”
“No. Not here, Cordelia, not now.”
“Well you damn well tell the baby! She’s not listening to me!”
“You don’t understand...”
“No, you don’t understand... geeze, don’t make me reach for insults... I don’t have the energy... the earthquake, the fall or I have a free-thinking baby... urgh... whatever, she’s coming.”
“I’ll go, get help.”
“No way. Angel? Are you there? You have to help me... I saw the movie, but I don’t know... aargh.”
“I’m here. I’ll carry you out - through the tunnel.”
“Fuck you, I am not having my baby in a sewer. Place of birth - smelly L.A. sewer. No way. Damn you Angel, find some light.”
***
The blood, fresh running and after that will come the child in more blood. I can’t do this. Take a big breath. Fear - a little - she’s scared but she’s in control. Blood, yeah, some but it’s pure Cordy and I’ve been there and even if it’s worth going back for more - this isn’t the same. What are the Powers trying to say? I’ll see the baby and go ape shit? Doesn’t make sense. So? Go insane, fuck, you have been insane - with fear - but now, help her, it’s Cordy, do what you can, run for the sewer like a demented rat at the first hint of haywire.Can’t leave, can’t stay. Focus on Cordy. Focus, focus, focus.
***
“Angel?”“I’m here. I found a torch. See? And clothes, they’re clean.”
“Keep some for the baby, some shirts, soft. The rest, down here. Then, crap, help me off with my leggings - Jesus, don’t look like that, you’ve seen it all before.”
“Once - twice - because the first time you wouldn’t let met see anything and - this is different.”
“You bet your ass this is different - now help me - shoes first, Angel.”
“Right, right. I’ve read some stuff in that pregnancy book.”
“Do you remember, shiiit... it?”
“Pieces.”
“It’s something. Hell, Giles, he’ll be so pissed he’s missing it all.”
“What now, Cordy?”
“Put some of those clothes around here so I can move...”
“Okay... there, lie down.”
“No thanks, I’m fine.”
“Crawling around on your hands and knees? Cordy you...”
“What’s up? Don’t like the view?”
“Uh? If the baby slips out...onto the floor...”
“There’s time, I need to move around, it helps ease the pain.”
“There’s blood...”
“Um, yep, part of the package. Angel? You okay with it?”
“Yeah. Cordelia? You listening to me? It’s important. Listen, take this and use it if...”
“What? A bit of wood?”
“It’s splintered, it’ll do for a stake, Cordy.”
“Oh, crap, you aren’t going to go bitey on me now - just because of a bit of blood?”
“Precautions, okay? There’s shit going on in my head and...”
“To hell with that Angel, I’m not in the mood. Who knows why, but I trust you even if you don’t trust yourself. Anyway, ohhhh, for once this is all about me, ‘kay? All about me and Evie!”
“What’s funny? Cordy? Who’s Evie?”
“Nothing’s funny, silly.... unnhh... Evie’s the baby ... ugh...”
“Christ, stop trying to talk, Cordelia.”
“You shut up. You haven’t had to listen to me for weeks. I’ve had enough of your wallowing - I’m tired of it ... ahm... I feel better talking, normal... I can pretend it’s like vision pain only lower down and kinda ongoing. Quit hanging around... oh, geeze... come down here on the floor with me... rub my back.”
“Er... here?”
“Lower, harder, aaargh... Sorry, wasn’t you... baby...”
“It’s gonna hurt, isn’t it, coming out...”
“Uh-huh. Don’t stop, lower - Angel?”
***
Like some stuck animal, she’ll squeal and the fear will be as thick and potent as the flowing blood...
***
“Angel? Hold me?”“How, Cordy? You’re all over the place.”
“Kneel here, let me put my arms around your neck, yep, and I can... oh, lovely, lean against you. Nice. Now would be a good time to start rubbing my back again. Can you reach?”
“Okay. Aren’t you supposed to do some sort of breathing?”
“Bugger the breathing. Huh, that’s what Giles would say. He doesn’t, oh fuck, think I put enough committment into the huffs. He’s missing the baby, Angel.”
“Yeah, you said. I can still go for help.”
“Don’t even think it. She’s coming. How long have we been here?”
“An hour or more. Shit Cordy, lie down, please... and breathe...”
“Start on the breathing again and damn it.... This isn’t a hospital, I’m going to be comfortable... oh freaking hell, comfortable!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, it feels right.”
“Women have babies - on their backs, Cordy.”
“Men think women should be on their backs! Don’t get me started.”
“Okay, okay, I’m not arguing, I’m concerned and ... and slightly nervous.”
“Keep me unnhh talking.”
“She, you keep saying she... you know it’s a girl?”
“She’s always felt like a girl. If it’s a boy I’m beat for a name.”
“You want to name her Evie?”
“Yeah. Evie Elizabeth.”
“There’s stuff going on, Cordy - that I haven’t told you.”
“Aaargh. No shit.”
“And it’s kind of - been kind of worrying.”
“Falling in love with me?”
“I told you? I hoped maybe... bad dream.”
“Bad dream? Asshole.”
“Not - no - bad that I blurted it out like I did - not ... but there’s a heap of other prophecy kind of ...”
“Boy, not now... Come around in front of me, Angel... it’s okay, I can kneel here... you’ll have to catch... I’ve got to push...now...”
***
Have you ever had one of those time stood still moments? You hear about them, but until it happens you think its some dramatic exaggeration that people like to add onto their stories to make them special. But it does. Time stands still.It freezes. You freeze.
I could see her... this bright, slippery little thing, tiny in Angel’s big hands, gathered up in one of his finest black silk shirts. My baby in black, death, silent.
She was silent. I expected a shattering cry of protest. Nothing. I sat looking at her for hours, longing to touch, terrified to reach out and disturb her delicate silence, frozen. Loving her beyond logic, a tiny unknown person, wanting to die with her so she wouldn’t be alone.
I don’t know when, maybe it was tomorrow, that Angel raised Evie towards his mouth and covered her fragile face with his lips. He spat out to the side and bent over her again. I’m not sure how often he did that - but it was graceful and slow - probably hundreds of times and it was sometime in the middle of next week that I heard a hollow mewling, like a new born kitten.
The mewling rumbled into a deafening roar just as another tremor shook beneath, over and around us.
***
“Cordelia? Cordy? She’s okay, some gunk in her mouth, that’s all.... Cordy? We have to get you both out of here.”“She was dead.”
“Dead? No, no. Dead? Not breathing, but ... Jesus, she looked dead. Here, take Evie, lie down. There’s stuff I have to do... um, down here.”
“She’s beautiful... Angel? Isn’t she beautiful?”
“Well, um... sorta wrinkly, but yeah, right, beautiful.”
“Hey, she’s prettier than you! You look ghoulish in that torch light, all blood drippy.”
“Bloody? I’m bloody?”
“Uh-huh... all over your face and your hands... okay, now don’t wipe - too late, geeze you’re messy. Angel, now you are worrying me - don’t dare put that hand in your mouth!”
“Sorry, it’s... I’m covered in blood and it feels... great! Blood, blood, I’m covered in blood! It’s...”
“You wanna pass me that stake...”
“Kind of intoxicating...”
“Are you okay? You know, I’m likely to puke if you start drooling over my placenta... You’ll let me know if I should worry?”
“Sorry... it was all wrong... Lorne was wrong... it didn’t happen!”
“What didn’t happen? Whatever has been bugging you?”
“One of Lorne’s readings... actually it did happen, every word, but not like I thought...”
“Which was?”
“You, me, the blood of an innocent, the baby dead, me covered in blood.”
“And that adds up to? You thought you would somehow kill my baby? You’ve been freaking for a month over this?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s so beautiful, isn’t she? Evie. She nearly did die. I froze Angel. She would have suffocated before I...”
“Don’t... It was ten seconds, tops. Shock, you would have snapped out of it.”
“I don’t think so. I’m so grateful you were here.”
“Don’t be. I was planning on leaving town - as soon as Giles got here. I thought that would... solve everything.”
“Oh, yeah. Running away always does. What about me? Do you know how hard it is to love you at the best of times without all the extra sides of crap?”
“Love me? Like in love? Oh, fuck.”
“Gee, Angel, I hate to spoil the romantic mood, but I think you should maybe get us out of here soon.”
“I’m on it.”
Part 16
Isn’t this where the grandparents come in and gurgle over the baby? I’m sure the book said something about that? Or, no... that was in a story-book! Silly little me. How could they? I didn’t even tell them I was pregnant. One of those things I kept ‘forgetting’. Well, they are in for an early Christmas surprise/shock, whatever! Gramps and Granny - oh, I can’t wait to lay that on them!
I have a baby, a child, for life. I’ve already gushed in my baby book. I can’t stop looking at her, touching her, making sure she is still breathing. Evie had to spend a few days in hospital - ‘just in case’ and I stayed there with her. How could I leave? I didn’t want to leave.
Angel was chafing to be there too, but you see, there was a vision and they were all busy sorting out some Norlip or Nolrip demon. I’ve hardly seen him since he handed me over to the paramedics. That was when he got the vision. All his. None for me at all, not a scrap! He said Lorne had mentioned ‘changes’ - this must be it! We aren’t bound anymore. I don’t have to stay in Los Angeles or at Angel Investigations. Which, of course, makes deciding to stay all the sweeter.
I’ve given up trying to figure out the whys and hows. If the Powers wanted Angel to have the visions why did we have the half and half phase? Were they worried one of us would try and skip town? It wouldn't have worked anyway! From what Angel said he was prepared to leave L.A., regardless of the visions, to make sure Evie wasn’t harmed.
Was it something to do with my blood again? He didn’t take enough back in Sunnydale but getting covered in my blood while I gave birth to Evie? What? He absorbed it? The stuff he sucked out of Evie? He licked his fingers when I wasn’t looking. Oh, gross!
He was funny with the big smear of blood across his face. It was still there when he waved me off in the ambulance. Once he got over the baby jitters and the Lorne misunderstanding (to put it mildly), Angel was so proud - bringing in a new life. Wearing the blood like a badge of honour.
As usual, I’m putting off writing the hard stuff.
Giles arrived late this morning. His flight was postponed because of the earthquake, but I managed to get him on his cell before he left London. I gave him the basics, you know, ‘you have a daughter’, ‘she’s well’, ‘I’m well’, ‘we’ll be at the hospital’.
He’s already in love with Evie. I can relate. He was horrified at the thought of us trapped in the basement by the earthquake, he was horrified at the thought of Angel delivering Evie, he was horrified at the thought of Evie not breathing... because he wasn’t here to do, to help. He had this vision that he would be there to do all the daddy stuff and now he is hurting.
I haven’t told Giles Evie’s full name. Heck, I haven’t told Angel! It can wait. There are other matters to wade through.
***
I was grinning from ear to ear. From ear to blood spattered ear. How can I say it? I was covered in her blood, in their blood and I was okay, I didn’t get sweaty feed-me cramps or nervous twitches and I didn’t lick my fingers and somehow that is almost as good as Cordelia telling me she was in love with me. Almost.It’s like a step up the ladder. I’m a vampire with an itinerant soul but I have more control. It’s an indication I’m finally headed in a positive direction.
That, coupled with Cordelia thoughts, is usually when I stop smiling. I get overwhelmed with this ‘something bad is coming because I’m doing okay’ feeling.
Cordelia in love with me, me in love with Cordelia. Sounds great, looks good on paper but we can still be no more than best friends. Exhilarating for five minutes - until reality crashes down.
I must remember to call on Lorne tonight, thank him for his ‘blood of an innocent’ pointer. An appropriate thanks.
The change Lorne mentioned? I now receive the whole vision from the Powers. I had a message as Cordelia and Evie were being taken off to the hospital. The picture, the pain, the works, all for me. I haven’t had much of an opportunity to discuss it with Cordelia, find out how she feels - I don’t see that she will object too much, not now, with Evie here. She’s free, we’re still getting to hear about people who need help... so, it’s all good, right?
Evie is gorgeous. Didn’t think I’d ever say that about a baby. I’ve only been able to visit her a couple of times but she’s tiny and pink and she has Cordelia’s dark hair and I can’t see one iota of Giles in her! Gotta be good!
Talking of Giles, he should be back by now.
***
Discovering that your child has entered the world, suddenly, in the midst of confusion and fear is... staggering. For months I have been anticipating her birth and now, it is done, without me. She was born into the hands of a being I have come to loathe. I am overjoyed to have a beautiful daughter but I am left bereft... gutted... that I was absent for her birth and all that has followed.Cordelia says I should be grateful for Angel’s presence, that without him Evie may not have survived. I know Cordelia better, she would have reacted, she would have helped Evie. I am attempting to redirect my thoughts, to be thankful Angel was with Cordelia. I am trying and I am thankful. I just wish it had been Wesley or Charles or anyone but him.
The experience has bound them even closer. She hasn’t said, but I can see in her eyes when she speaks of him that she is unashamedly in love with a vampire. The visions are gone, there is no reason to stay - but she will, simply to be with him. What a pitiful, barren love she will have. And the love I bear for her is better?
“The body is a house of many windows; there we all sit, showing ourselves and crying on the passers-by to come and love us.”
You are the pitiful one, Rupert. Offering yourself so openly, unreservedly, without cause... what was she, a pretty face, a warm and willing body? Are you trying to kill your emotions Rupert? With bitter words?
I have a wonderful child, but to see my child I have to survive seeing the mother ... and the surrogate father. How do I survive unless I discipline my heart?
***
I wanted a strong, dramatic name. I think you will need it! Look at your immediate natural and adopted family. You will have to fight for attention! I just hope you like your name and you don’t screw your nose up at me when you are thirteen with “what were you thinking of, mom?” It means 'bringing good news', that’s nice, don’t you think?Evangeline. Evie.
I told Angel last night. He didn’t say anything, but he went all squidgy face and damp-eyed and kissed me. The first time he’s kissed me - properly - since my declaration (!) of love after Evie’s birth. We’ve hardly seen each other and I don’t think either of us knows where to go from here. Where is there to go? We stay good friends? We ignore the lurching stomachs and tingling scalps and catching breath? I don’t know. Being in love should be happy. I am happy, but we’ve only just begun and ... who knows? I don’t, Angel doesn’t and what chance will we have if Lorne offers any advice?
Giles is... it’s awful. At first I felt guilty, but I shouldn’t, should I? I didn’t lead him on, I always told him I wasn’t in love with him, that I didn’t think I ever would be because of Angel and... geeze, what a mess. I think he hates me. Maybe he feels better about loving me if he can hate me. I don’t want this. I want some pretty little home-sweet-home scene with mommy, wannabe daddy and visiting real daddy all happy together. I’m naive, right? Or stupid.
Home-sweet-home was never an option. Not with Giles and Angel at each others throats and not now that Giles is trying so hard not to be in love with me.
***
“Evangeline?”“Yes. Evie for short. You had Evelyn on your family list. I thought... I thought you would like Evie.”
“The ‘a’, ‘n’, ‘g’, ‘e’, ‘l’, somewhat tempers the sentiment behind Evie, don’t you think?”
“Angel saved....”
“Yes, I have heard the story, Cordelia.”
“It’s important to me, Giles and I would have thought...”
“Yes, of course, to you. Cordelia, I don’t expect for a moment that you will consider consulting me on any matters which I might consider important. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh but I’m sure you and Angel will do exactly as you like where Evie is concerned. There’s no need for pretence.”
“That is so not true, Giles! Aaargh! This is..... no, no. We’re friends, can’t we go on being friends?”
“I can’t, not quite yet. Not while I am still in love with you. It would be simpler to convert love to hate but ... there’s Evie. One day - I believe we can be friends again - but now, don’t expect me to be able to stomach the image of you in Angel’s arms. Making that a requirement of friendship... well, it isn’t fair, Cordelia.”
“Why does this have to be any more difficult than it was before? You were in love with me, I was in love with Angel - long before Evie was born! Why?”
“I’ve seen you and Angel together... you... god forbid, you belong. There’s been a change, since I left - a strengthening and I’m on the outside, peering in the windows at my child, my love and...him.”
***
Giles was right - about a change.I felt stronger, more confident in my relationship with Angel. That’s what motherhood and love and adversity can do, I guess. And the minutes I’ve had with Angel since Evie arrived? Yeah, we belong. Am I crazy to believe I am tough enough to contend with loving him? Time and, Lorne (yikes!) will tell.
***
“My happy family! Wait a minute, where is the new lamby-kins?”“No offence, Lorne, but we didn’t want her to mix with your um, clientele.”
“And here I was thinking your cherub would be brought up in an enlightened household! How wrong could I be?”
“Nothing against other kinds, Lorne, just don’t want one of them trying to snack on Evie.”
“Evie? How sweet! And you two? All sweet? Sugarpie and Sweetcakes?”
“Ugh, please! Angel wanted to bring you a souvenir from the birth... a nice pointy wooden stake... but I didn’t think you would fully appreciate the sentiment. I was leaning toward a guillotine and a mangle.”
“A stake and a ... horrors! But why? I can only give as much as I am given! You don’t blame me for your War of the Worlds panic, surely? Moi?”
“Well, you could have been more precise, instead of scaring the ... for causing me some concern, Lorne. Look, we want a straight answer to a simple question? Can you manage that?”
“But always, mon cher... excuse the French, but this Rémy Martin Louis thirteen, goes straight to the inner Piaf, every time.”
“Straight answer, okay? My soul, you know about my soul and the curse, well I... we need to know if there is any chance - in the future - that I can call my soul my own and...”
“This is simple? Why are you babbling on about ancient history?”
“Ancient? Lorne, pay attention. Put that drink down. My soul and the curse and...”
“But Angel, cher ami... Curse? What curse?”
End.