Title: Ain't No Sunshine
Author: CrazyKath
Email: kaffeineaddict@hotmail.com
Rating: PG13
Summary: Cordelia finally finds out about Darla, and leaves LA, leaving Angel to realise that he's not only broken her heart, but his own.
Disclaimer: The author of this fic and all the characters mentioned in it are fictitious. There is no such city as Los Angeles, or Boston.
Seriously. They're not mine. Not even a little bit. Excuse me while I go sink into deep, black depression. "Ain't no Sunshine" is a horribly depressing, and horribly catchy, and lovely song by Bill Withers. It's just borrowed.
Spoilers: Spoilers up to 'Disharmony' on Angel. I suppose all the Princess Cordy stuff could have happened, but Epiphany and Disharmony are the most important.
Notes: Little bit more angsty than usual for me. Sharp contrast to my other stress related fics, but never mind. I think a change every so often is healthy, though. Enjoy!
"But, Cordy... you can't just leave," Angel said desperately.
"Is that so? Because it's exactly what I'm doing," she shouted at him. "I am so sick of you, and your lies, and your complexes, and your obsessions, and your... your lies! I just do *not* care any more." Angel stood awkwardly in the doorway to her bedroom as she threw various articles of clothing into her suitcase.
"Cordy, please..." Angel ducked as a lamp flew towards him. "You have nowhere to go."
"And you would know, how exactly? I'll have you know I have plenty of places to go. Lots of friends who would take me in at short notice, in places other than here!" She looked up at him, her eyes dangerously narrow. "I am going to the furthest place away from here I could find. My cousin Davina lives in Boston..."
"Boston? Cordelia, that's on the other coast!"
"Duh! Hello, did you not hear the part about 'as far away from here as possible'? Then again, you never listen to me anyway, do you?" She continued to violently fling the contents of her wardrobe on the bed, highlighting certain words with either something flying into a suitcase, or at Angel's head. "You never *listen* to me," a stiletto refracted off the bed frame with a metallic clang, "you never *tell* me anything," he caught a strange looking but potentially deadly ornament just before it broke his nose, "you never pay *attention* to anything or anyone if it doesn't revolve around you," more thuds as heavy things landed in the case, "and, most of all, you *always* *lie* to the person who is supposed to be your *best* *friend*," she threw things at him until he didn't had too few hands to catch any more, "and the worst thing..." she had started hysterically laughing by this point, "the worst thing of all - you had *sex* with *Darla*!" With the last word, she hurled a small but heavy wooden jewellery box at his crotch. Angel had to give her one thing - her aim was very good. She smirked with satisfaction as he collapsed against the doorframe, hissing in agony.
Cordelia leaned hard on her suitcase to close it, taking out any remaining aggression on the clasps, grabbed it, and flounced out of the room. On her way, she made sure to tread hard on Angel's hand, evoking another growl from him. However, when he saw that she really was making for the door, he pushed the pain aside, and hoarsely shouted after her.
"It didn't mean anything with Darla! I hate her as much as you do." He heard a thump as the suitcase was dropped, then the clicking of her shoes across the tiles. He groaned as he started to regret even trying to justify himself.
"Oh, really?" she said incredulously. "So you slept with that skanky whore out of what? Seething hatred? You know what, don't even try it. Because I know that every word that comes out of your mouth is complete bullshit." She spun around and started pacing, as Angel managed to haul himself to a standing position. "Fine, you slept with her. Ignoring the fact that she's a psycho bitch, and that you should have known better, you were desperate, and lonely, and you have a history. Whatever. What gets me, though, is why in hell you felt the need to lie to me. Again. I asked you, straight off, if you'd slept with her..."
"Actually..." Angel interrupted, before he was silenced by a poisonous glare from Cordy.
"Alright, not straight off, but I said 'At least you didn't sleep with her'! I mean, you could have corrected me! You are a deceitful, lying, pathetic little bastard, and there is no way in Hell I am staying here!" Angel winced as she seemed to be about to come forward and attack him again, but she turned on her heel and marched back towards her suitcase.
"Cordelia, please, don't leave!" He was glad that no-one else could see this. Angel, formerly Angelus, Scourge of Europe, begging. Prepared to do anything to stop the brunette from going.
"And why shouldn't I? Give me one good reason," she replied tersely.
"Because... I need you," Cordelia's gaze softened a little. "I mean, without your visions..." Cordelia let out a muffled scream.
"You know, you were good there for a minute! Is that all I am to you? Vision girl?" she asked incredulously. "Because even that didn't get in the way of, oh, I dunno, your *firing* me! After all we've been through together, you'd think that maybe you might miss me as a person a little. But no, all you care about is your own redemption, your own issues, and I happen to be helpful to you for that purpose. Well, you know what? I'm not going to stay just because of that." Angel inwardly groaned. It really had come out wrong.
"Cordy, that's not what I meant. Of course I'll miss you, you're my best friend."
"Yeah, yeah, nice back pedalling, soul boy," Cordy said sarcastically, rolling her eyes and trying to cover up how hurt she really was. "I'll phone Wesley if I have any visions. He'll tell you, if he and Gunn can't handle it themselves." Seeing the question in his eyes, she continued: "And the answer is no. I didn't tell them about you and Darla. That's up to you to do. I'm not going to help you out of that one."
"Cordelia, please don't leave... I don't know what I'll do without you..." seeing him looking that upset, Cordy almost changed her mind. Almost. But no, she really had to make him see how much pain he caused her, so frequently.
"It's been...I would say nice, but it would be a lie, working with you, Angel. I might come back in a while, if I hear that Darla hasn't reappeared, and you're not acting even vaguely insane." She walked back over to the door, and picked up her bag. "Goodbye, Angel," she whispered, suddenly feeling the overwhelming urge to cry, run back and hug him, and be with him forever. But no. Instead, she opened the door, stepped out of the apartment, and went down to where the taxi was waiting for her. She hesitated a little, but then resolutely checked her bag for the airline tickets, opened the door of the cab, and slammed it behind her as the driver put her case in the trunk. She stared out the window, letting the tears fall as she saw the familiar streets pass by. She needed some alone time, and to teach Angel a lesson. Show him how much he needs her. Maybe that way, he'd never do anything so careless and hurtful again.
When she'd heard what had happened with Darla, she'd felt as if something had a grip on her insides and was tearing her apart, piece by piece. He hadn't ever even intended to tell her - no, she'd heard it from the Host, of all people. The first thing Angel said when she had confronted him was "I never wanted you to know. I wanted to rebuild our friendship." Oh, because that was healthy. To rebuild a failing friendship on a new set of lies. The problem was, she cared about him more than he seemed to care about her. He'd slept with another woman - not only that, but he could have lost his soul and killed everyone she cared about, before he killed her. She wouldn't have been able to stake him- she was far too in love with him. Ting ting ting jackpot, Chase. Cordelia felt another flood of tears coming, as she had her own little epiphany. She loved the dumbass vampire. That was why the hurt was magnified this much. He'd chosen Darla over her. It seemed like she was always a man's second choice.
She blinked as she heard a voice, before realising it was the cab driver.
"Tough break up?" the sympathetic voice asked.
"Something like that," she mumbled, sniffing. Indeed, something worse.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long
Any time she goes away
Angel sat, slumped on the sofa. Cordelia's neighbour had just come round, and told him that she would be looking after the apartment while Cordy was away. The woman had hastily retreated when she saw the look on Angel's face. He was utterly devastated. He couldn't believe she'd gone. So he'd growled at the neighbour to scare her away, leave him to his grief.
She'd gone. His Cordelia had gone. His? Since when did he own her? That was the problem, anyway. He acted like she was some kind of possession, that he could just put to one side every now and then. Sleeping with Darla had been one of the most insanely stupid things he'd ever done, and he really had never wanted Cordy to know. Not because she didn't have the right to know - because, he supposed, he was trying to pretend it didn't happen. It made him feel better to do that. He knew it was wrong, but it had been the only way he could deal with it, restore any normality his life had had before Darla showed up. He still couldn't remember why he hadn't killed her.
Cordelia was the best thing in his otherwise awful, painful existence. She was the sunshine in his life, to use a horrible cliché. The light in the darkness. He was on a roll now, so he might as well be really sappy: his heaven in Hell. She'd been gone for all of... two hours, it was now, and already he felt like he was dying (again) inside. He'd just been sitting there, shell shocked. He thought he'd felt heartbreak before, but even with Buffy, it was nothing like this. All of a sudden, it hit him with the force of a freight train. He was in love. With her. He loved Cordelia Chase. Loved her. Oh dear god, what had he done? He had chosen this particular moment to have a revelation like that one. Sinking further back into the couch, he wished himself more dead as the world seemed to explode around him.
Wonder this time where she's gone
Wonder if she's gonna stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Any time she goes away
He listened as Cordelia's answering machine clicked on, hearing her voice as the outgoing message played. He felt like crying. He probably would never hear that voice again. The caller was Wesley: he'd wanted to check and see if Cordy had gone, and to inform her that he had the address of her cousin.
The address of her cousin.
Angel knew immediately what he had to do.
Grabbing the phone book, in his hurry he clumsily flicked through until he found the number he was looking for.
"Hello, I was wondering when your next flight to Boston was?"
"But Wesley, you have to give me the address!" he shouted down the phone as the cab driver gave him angry looks. "I'm heading towards the airport now!"
He heard Wesley inhale sharply. "Angel, I cannot believe that stalking Cordelia is the best answer. She had her reasons for leaving, and I am certain they aren't all about you..."
"It was about me! That was why! Wesley, I... I slept with Darla..."
There was a long pause.
"And telling me this is somehow supposed to convince me to give you Cordelia's cousin's address," Wesley said coldly. Angel growled in frustration, startling the driver, who was too scared to tell him to knock it off.
"Wesley, I love her."
"Well, isn't that just bloody fantastic for the both of you. Excuse me for not breaking out the champagne," Wesley replied angrily.
"Huh? You aren't..." Angel realised what it must have sounded like. "Oh, christ, no, I mean I love Cordelia, not Darla! If I ever see Darla again, I swear I'll kill her. But first, I have to tell Cordy how I feel, get her to come back. Wes... I can't cope without her... I..." his voice broke. There was another long, uncomfortable silence.
"Oh, bugger it. But if Cordelia asks, I didn't do this..." Angel memorised the address as Wesley read it out. "Now you'd better bloody well tell her, or, believe me, I will drag you there myself by the balls and refuse to let go until you do."
Angel half-heartedly chuckled. "Thank you, Wesley." He had a flight to catch. It was exactly a day later than Cordy's, the only early evening flight, and he hoped it had been long enough that she wouldn't still be so angry that she'd just decapitate him on the spot for following her.
And I know, I know, I know, I know...
I oughta leave the young thing alone
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Cordelia lay on the bed of the bare spare room, staring at the slightly cracked ceiling. As soon as she had arrived, she had dissolved into floods of tears, inconsolable. Davina was incredibly worried about her - she wouldn't talk about it, she didn't eat, she just sat in the dark, clutching what looked like a black silk men's shirt. It didn't take a genius to work out what the root of the troubles was. Davina and Cordelia had been quite close throughout childhood, and when Dav moved to Boston, she and Cordy had kept in touch via letters, phone calls and emails. She'd heard all about Cordelia's unbearable boss, and knew how much Cordy worried about him when he went into his periods of black depression. Cordelia had told her that it had been following the death of Angel's wife. From the beginning, Davina could see that Cordelia harboured more than platonic feelings for her boss. All she could figure was that Cordy had finally admitted the attraction, and been rebuffed.
She tapped hesitantly at the door again. "Cordy, please let me in. You can't stay there indefinitely."
"Just watch me," came the morose reply. With a grim smile, Davina opened the door. Her heart flooded with pity when she saw the figure of her cousin. Cordelia was lying on the bed, all the blinds drawn. Even still, Dav could see that her face was swollen from the constant crying, and she was surrounded by tissues. Walking over, she sat on the edge of the bed.
"Come on, Cord. You'll feel better if you let it all out." Cordelia slowly sat up.
"Oh, God, Dee", she choked out, as her cousin pulled her into a hug. "I feel awful. Beyond awful. I love him, but I had to... to leave," Davina waited patiently for Cordelia to get her breath back after breaking into another fit of harsh sobs. "He... he slept with Darla. Of all bitchy blondes. And he couldn't even tell me. I... I thought we were friends again, but..."
"Well, Cord, sometimes guys do sleep with other women, especially if he didn't know how you felt..."
"No, you don't get it! This is Angel. He doesn't sleep around. He could lose... he has intimacy issues," she quickly amended. "He can't get close to anyone. But he did, just to lash out at us. At me."
Davina sighed. "Well, Cord, you're just going to have to tell him how you feel."
"I... I just can't. Not after this. I left, and I swore I would never go crawling back to him. He really hurt my feelings, Dee, in between firing me and sleeping with that whore..."
"He hired a prostitute?"
"No, I mean Darla," Cordelia smiled a little, which, in turn, made Dee grin. Well, a smile was a start. "I told him I was probably never going back, and I was living with you."
"Oh God," Davina said, mock shocked. "Does that mean I'm stuck with you forever? How can I possibly live through it?" Cordelia smiled again, before telling her where to go. "Well, if you promise to stop moping around over a stupid man, and start eating again, I might think about letting you stay until you're ready to confront him."
"Oh, I already did."
"Without throwing things?"
"Oh, you know me so well," Cordelia said sarcastically. Davina raised an eyebrow. "Fine. A lamp, some shoes, and a jewellery box to the... well, y'know."
"Wow. That has got to be a record. He really hurt you bad." Cordy sighed.
"Worse than I ever thought I'd let a guy hurt me. I really care about him - he just doesn't seem to feel the same way about me." She stood up and walked to the window, peering out through the blinds at the dark street. "It's raining, again," she stated. "Fitting."
"Well, since you've resorted to changing the subject with random comments, I think I'll go find the Chinese take out menu," Davina said. She knew her cousin far too well. She shut the door behind her as she saw Cordy sink back onto the bed, clutching another tissue. If she ever met this Angel, she would give him a piece of her mind...
Just as she had managed to dig the menu out from the bottom of the stack of papers on her kitchen table, the doorbell rang. Frowning, she walked over and looked out the peephole. She hadn't been expecting anyone...
Angel stood, soaked to the bone, on the doorstep. He hoped he'd got the right address this time. He'd already rung the doorbells of a little old lady, who'd thought that it was the Angel of Death coming to take her, and had called the police, and a woman who had practically swooned at the sight of him, and attempted to get him to 'come in, take off those wet clothes...'
Davina recognised him from the picture she'd found in Cordy's wallet. Fine, so she shouldn't have been going through it in the first place, but Cord had asked her to take out some money to pay the taxi driver with after she'd just arrived, and had her hands full with baggage. She'd just caught a glimpse, but this was definitely the guy. Tall, dark, handsome, and almost certainly a serial heartbreaker.
"Hi... are you Cordelia Chase's cousin?"
"Yeah, I'm Davina Greenslade. You must be Angel." He nearly jumped as she caught him off guard.
"Uh, yes, I am. How did you...?"
"Never mind. I just want to tell you, for the record, you're a complete bastard."
Again, she knocked him off balance. "Uh, thanks... can I come in?" he asked, fishing for the required invite that would mean he could get out of the horrible drizzling rain.
"Sure." Damn it. Davina looked at him, puzzled, as he continued to stand in the wet, trying desperately to think of another tactic. "So, you coming in, or what?" It seemed to work... Angel subtly reached over the threshold with one hand. No barrier. With that, he ran inside as Davina grabbed his drenched coat from him before it started to drip all over the carpet.
"Is Cordelia here?" he asked, sounding a little desperate.
"Well, I'd better just..."
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness every day
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Any time she goes away
"I have to... go, be elsewhere. Later!" Dav exclaimed, almost sprinting out the door, just remembering to put on her shoes and a coat. Those two needed to work it out. Alone.
Cordelia stood opposite Angel. She had temporarily forgotten about the hours she'd spent crying, and had only just realised her red swollen racoon eyes were probably a big giveaway. Well, it was too late now.
Angel looked at Cordy in horror. She looked bedraggled and miserable. Had he really caused this. "Cordelia...I..." suddenly, Cordelia felt the tears brimming over again. As they started to fall, Angel went to hug. She roughly pushed him away.
"NO! You are not getting out of this one so easily, buster! Why are you here?" she screamed at him through her sobs. All he wanted to do was hold her, and soothe her, and make her promise never to leave again, and that he wouldn't either.
"I missed you," he simply said.
"After a day?" she asked, trying to wipe away the tears that continued to fall.
"I love you." Cordelia blinked. Had she heard right? No, it was just what sleep deprivation was doing to her.
"Say again?"
Angel smiled a little. "I love you, Cordelia. Unfortunately, it took you leaving to make me finally realise it."
"Oh... oh no," she said, laughing hysterically, "No, you're just messing with me. Trying to make me come back, so you can get back on your little quest for redemption. Well, you're going to have to try a little harder than that!" Angel felt his heart ripping into shreds as she spoke. She didn't believe him. Not surprising, after all that had happened. That was it. She couldn't possibly feel the same way, but he wasn't just going to let it go.
"I love you, I really do..." his declaration was just met with further histrionics. Shattered, he just had to try one last time. Walking over to her, ignoring her arms trying to push him away, he cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her lightly on the lips. Pulling back a little, he looked into her eyes, seeing all the conflicting emotions as her body stiffened. Yet, she made no move away from him. He kissed her again, this time lingeringly and tenderly. At first she stayed stock still, then, to his joy and relief, relaxed and started to kiss him back. After a moment, she suddenly broke away from him and jumped back.
"Angel, I... do you really mean it?" she asked tentatively. She just didn't know what to believe any more. She wanted to trust him, but somehow she couldn't.
"Yes. I really mean it. Cordy, I've been a wreck since you left. I just sat where you left me for hours, before realising how much I loved you, and getting a flight out here. I know you find it difficult to trust me," she nodded, "but I really never want to hurt you, ever again."
She stood still, like a deer in headlights. Angel didn't dare move, for fear of frightening her. Then all of a sudden, she smiled, and threw herself into his arms, kissing him passionately. He was at first shocked, then thrilled, and responded to the kiss, pouring all his emotion into it. When she finally had to come up for air, she looked into his eyes, then giggled.
"I can just hear the studio audience applauding, can't you?" When she saw the serious look in his eyes, she stopped laughing, suddenly serious. "I love you too. That was the problem all along. Well, not a problem, but... anyway. That was why I was so hurt, with Darla, and... I couldn't bear to think you care more about that bitch than you do about me," she whispered, trying not to start sobbing again. "Oh God, I must look like a wreck!" she said, giggling again. Angel leant down, and kissed the tears off her cheeks.
"You look beautiful, Cordy. As always." With that, he kissed her again.
Davina quietly opened the door. She stood there, a grin spreading across her face. Standing in the middle of the living room, in a passionate embrace, were Angel and Cordelia. They were clinging to each other as if their lives depended on it. It was a very romantic image; while the rain was falling outside, they were bathed in the soft glow of the lamps that imitated candlelight she had around the room. Smiling, Davina backed out of the door again, whispering to herself, a little sarcastically: "Ah, young love!"
Angel's vampiric hearing had picked up the opening of the door, but he had chosen not to break the kiss, knowing that Cordy's cousin would almost certainly hastily retreat. Hearing her whispered statement, he smiled inwardly at the irony. Little did she know... Cordy broke the kiss, and whispered:
"Did you hear something?"
Deciding that lying to her would probably not be a good idea, Angel smiled, and leaned back into another kiss. Their bodies melted against each other, and both knew that it didn't matter if they were in LA or Boston, or caught between the moon and San Francisco. As long as they were together, the rest of the world could melt away, and they wouldn't care, because they still had each other. Forever. And forever was one hell of a long time.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away
Any time she goes away
End.