Title: Gone
Author: CordyAngelSeer
Posted: 09-22-2002
Rating:
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Summary:
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made. The songs and lyrics used are property of Patty Griffin, Lara Fabian, Michelle Branch, and Aerosmith.
Distribution:
Notes: Be kind this is my first fiction, it's set in early season 3 and Angel didn't go on a retreat.
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Parts 1 - 3

Cordelia couldn't believe it Buffy was gone...three weeks had passed since Willow told them the news and she still couldn't believe it. She was the slayer, they weren't supposed to die. All Angel had done was brood, cry, and push them, the A.I. team out of his life again.

"Angel..." Cordelia knocked tentively on his door holding a container of blood. He didn't answer so she sucked up her fear and entered his room, "Leave Cordelia. I don't need you or want you here." The vampire's words came out in a growl; she ignored his warning and continued with her task, "I added nutmeg this time I thought a change would be nice." Angel was by her in an instant, he grabbed the blood, threw it across the room, and pushed the seer out of his way. "You can't leave us like this leave me...." She pleaded but he didn't pay heed to her words even when she followed after him, instead he left the hotel. Cordelia felt tears sliding down her cheeks. He was leaving them, Angel was leaving her, and she stood by helplessly and watched him go.

~ I remember the rain on the roof that morning
And all the things that I wanted to say
The angry words
That came from nowhere without warning
That stole the moment and sent me away
And you standing there at the doorway crying
And me wondering if I'd ever be back~

His one love his soul mate was gone. Come to find out after moments of deep contemplation Buffy was no longer that, she had been replaced months ago by a tactless, loyal, and beautiful seer. Angel couldn't allow himself to love again, to hurt yet another girl that trusted him with every fiber in her being. Cordelia, her name alone made him smile, she was different, she dealt with the hurt, the pain, and anguish, and she moved on becoming stronger. He saw the pain in her eyes, when he pushed her away for the second time in less than two months and it nearly killed him.

Cordelia sat at her desk flipping through some old paperwork. Why did he push her away? Couldn't he tell she cared for him, loved him, or did he think that 'I'll be with you until you do' wasn't a sure thing. Fuck! It hopeless, Angel, he.... "Is this part of the plan huh!" She yelled angrily towards the ceiling. "Well is it the PTB! Get the girl to fall for the hero only to have him break her heart...I bet this is just one big joke at my expense."

~I said I didn't come here to leave you
I didn't come here to lose
I didn't come here believing
I would ever be away from you
I didn't come here to find out
There's a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by the power of love (love)
Love by grace~



Cordelia was distracted by her raging and venting that she hadn't noticed the vampire entered the hotel. She blushed and hurriedly went back to work, even though she knew the vampire had heard her every word. "Cor..." Her head snapped up and her eyes locked with his, "Angel don't please...I know...I understand," Pain flashed through his features and his eyes were haunted. "No, Cordelia, you don't I-" he was cut off by his seer, "Angel don't," "DAMNIT Cordelia! Would you just shut up and listen to me?" He was making this harder he wasn't letting her give up. "Stop it...just stop it," now the girl's resolve crumpled as she let the hot tears fall freely, "Don't make an 'us' you know that it would be over before we started,"

~And I remember the road just went on forever
Just couldn't seem to turn that car around
Till in the distance like a long lost treasure
A phone booth that just could not be found
And you standing there at the doorway waiting
And the moment when we laid back down~

"You don't know that," he began, though his attempt futile, in his mind he knew she was right, now all he had to do was convince his heart of that.

~
That was just a moment in time
And one we'll never forget
One we can leave behind
Cause when there was doubt
You'll remember I said

I didn't come here believing
I would ever be away from you
I didn't come here to find out
There's a weakness in my faith, yeah
I was brought here by the power of love
I was brought here by the power of love…
Love by grace~

"ARRGGHH" She screamed grabbing her head as a vision assaulted her senses. Angel caught Cordelia; he hauled her against him and rode the vision out with her. "Cor...what do you see?" He worriedly as her gently massaged her temples with the pads of his thumbs. Whimpers escaped her lips as more images death and decay ran through her mind, "vampires....Bus stop....on Wilshire." Tears flowed from her eyes, "go, people are dying!"

He didn't want to leave her, the visions were getting worse, they were taking their toll, he couldn't lose her, Angel wouldn't allow it, he grabbed his coat and cast a worried look in his seers direction before leaving the hotel to hunt down the vampires in Cordelia's vision.

Cordelia curled up in a fetal position on the hotel floor, sobs, wracked her body, as the realization sank in, she was dying. When the pain dulled, she hailed a taxi and went to her apartment, she couldn't be here not now.

*I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
And now I can not stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing*

"Thanks," She offered her ghost roommate a smile as he came into the bathroom with a pair of sweats and a tank top. Cordelia drew a hot bath, "What am I going to do Dennis? The visions they're getting worse, Angel's started to notice, and the pills effectiveness are beginning to wear off. The lights flickered in response, she stepped into the bath, and closed her eyes praying this would calm her nerves and alleviate some of the pain.

*Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cuz by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy*

"Cordelia, it's me, open up." The vampire knocked on the her door, and was let in by Dennis, "I'll...I'll be a minute Angel," she finished towel drying her hair and exited the bedroom, "how did the demon killing go?" He looked annoyed, "why didn't you tell me the visions were getting worse?" Angel advanced towards her, a cool hand caressing her warm cheek, she closed her eyes against his touch. "I didn't want to burden you...you have enough to deal with as it is," he looked horrified by her comment "You will never be a burden to me."

*Cuz I'm wafting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream*

His lips gently touched hers as another vision took over her body, "Cordy!" Angel grasped her tightly as they sank to the floor, it was over before she knew it, "what did you see?" He was becoming frantic as he smoothed her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. Cordelia looked up at him as the pain subsided quickly, "I saw nothing,"

*Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this*

"Cordelia, I love you," he planted a kiss on her lips, she gently pushed him away from her, "Angel...." her voice cracked and she swallowed trying to regain her composure, "don't start something I won't be able to finish?" His brows furrowed in confusion, "what do you-," "I'm dying," was all she said.

*Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cuz I'm wafting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream*

"Dying?" He uttered in a barely audible whisper, the thought made him sick, she was dying, and yet she acted as if it were not a big deal. He helped her up and gently steadied her before breaking away from her side to pace and sort out this new information. "Damn it! the Oracles they..." "Angel..." She put a hand on his shoulder, "it's my fate-" "No! I won't accept that I can't lose you," He pulled Cordelia into a fierce embrace, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

*She's his yellow brick road
Leading him on
And letting him go as far
as she lets him go
Going down to nowhere
She puts on her make-up
The same way she did yesterday
Hoping everything's the same
But everything has changed*

Cordelia fingered with the hair at the nape of his neck, "You'll never lose me...I'll be with you always," with her eyes misted over she lifted his face to hers, his eyes searched out hers finding the truth, "I'll be here always and forever," she said placing a hand over his unbeating heart. "I love you Angel," placing a chaste kiss on his lips he let his tears of anguish fall freely.

*In my mind
Everything we did was right
Open your eyes
I'll still be by your side
How could I ever
Have been so blind?
You give me something
To sleep to at night*

Her invitation was unspoken but welcome all the same, there were no words that needed to be said, their eyes said everything. A kiss here and there, clothes messily piled on the hardwood floor, and Cordelia wrapped in Angel's arms, as sleep overtook her, he listened to the steady beat of her heart that slowly began to fade with every breath she took.

*He wakes up to the sound
So scared that she's leaving
He wishes she were still
asleep next to him
Hoping she will change*

Angel kissed the top of her head, "I love you," he whispers in her ear and he's rewarded by her light stirring as she brings herself closer to his form. And he knows that it will only be a matter of time before she's gone, and strangely, that fact doesn't bother him, he closes his eyes and is lulled to sleep by her heart beat.

*You give me
Something to sleep to
And all I know is
You give me
Something to dream to
When I'm all alone and blue
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now*

He was awoken by her tired sobs, his heart broke when he saw her, knees pulled up to her chest, naked, and shivering with fear. "Cordelia..." He inched closer to her, being cautious, as to not upset her any further. "Angel, I'm sorry," Cordelia looked up at him tears streamed down her face.

*I'm alone yeah I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears and the cryin that i do is for you
I want your love let's break the wall between us
Don't make it tough, I'll put away my pride
Enough's enough, I've suffered and I've seen the light*

"Sorry for what?" Angel now went to her, cradling and rocking her fragile form against him. "That I'm going die and hurt you like Buffy did, except I won't be coming back," He held her tighter whispering lovingly to her, "I won't let it happen-" "You can't save me Angel," it was the same arguement over again, but he realized this time that Cordelia was right, she couldn't be saved.

*You're my angel come and save me tonight
You're my angel come and make it alright
You're my angel come and save me tonight*

"I need you Cor," she smiled, "I know I've needed you for so long and now it's over," his unbeating heart shattered to pieces as he placed a kiss on her temple, "don't say that not now...not yet." Now the moment was all they were living for, time didn't matter, people didn't matter, now is what mattered.

*Don't know what I'm gonna do about thins feeling inside
Yes, it's true loneliness took me for a ride
Without your love, I'm nothin but a beggar
Without your love, a dog without a bone
What can I do, I'm sleepin in this bed alone*

Her eyes fluttered closed and he became alarmed, "Cordelia-" worry overtook him, "I'm just resting," she opened her eyes and gazed into his, "I love you," then she rested her head on his broad chest and closed her eyes one final time.

*You're the reason I live
You're the reason I die
You're the reason I give when I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why
Baby, baby, baby*

He was alone again, cold, numb, and at peace all at the same time knowing he was able to give the woman he loved more than his Shanshu fleeting moments of happiness.

Her heart had stilled and her breath was gone, but no tears escaped his eyes as he laid her gently on the bed, brushing away the few strands of hair that fell onto her face. Even in death's embrace she was perfect as if her passing hadn't occurred. Angel curled up near her form stroking her cheek ever so softly, wishing for a sign of life he knew would not greet him.

*She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight
The only thing a touching him is a crack of light
Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and 'round his fingers
And he reaches for her side, for any sign of her that lingers*

"How will he go on?" Cordelia asks not taking her eyes away from the vampire as she addresses the all-knowing Powers that Be. "Why should it matter to you? He is merely a lower being." They state emotionless, "you've stripped him of his reason to fight," her tone firm and tinged with anger. "Seer, it was not fate that brought the rift of existence between life and death to come." She swallowed hard, "I know...I'll just let him believe that," she turned around and they were gone.

*And she says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight*

She entered the bedroom the windows allowing the moonlight to shine in as he slept with her motionless body. "My sweet Angel," Cordelia smiled drawing the drapes closed, and moving to him, "I'll be with you always," she brushed his forehead with a light kiss. "Right here," she placed a hand over his heart.

*Then everything changed
Nothing really matters in the end you know
All the worries sever
Don't be afraid for me my friend, one day we all fall down forever*

His body shuttered as his eyes jolted open, "Cordelia..." Angel turned to her their bodies next to one another, he swore she was here, "My sweet Angel, you sense me," a smile formed on her lips her hand lingering on his cheek for a moment. "Cordelia...." He called out to a seemingly empty room, a strangled cry emerging from his throat. She took in a small shaky breath, "you know what must be done," she didn't leave him that night, not when he dressed her useless body in a simple white dress, to the last kiss he shared with her before he placed a promise ring on her unmarked, grave.

*The wedding date was June just like any other bride
She loved him like no one before and it was good to be alive
But sometimes that can slip away as fast
As any fingers through your hands
So you let time forgive the past and go and make some other plans*

Angel stared at their bed, "I love you," he said to an empty space, "I know, I love you too," he looked down at his hands, "I would have done anything to save you," Cordelia moved next to him placing a hand on his broad shoulder. "I know you would have but it was my fault I died so don't blame yourself." She placed a kiss on his temple, "I could have done more," "no you couldn't have," Cordelia sat across from him as the vampire finally began to grieve. "I would still be here if I gave the visions to Groo...I was supposed to give the visions to Groo, I just didn't know it at the time." Another choked sob emereged from him, "I just...that last vision...I should have known..." He placed his face in his hands, "Angel, I didn't even know that's what the vision was for."

*She says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight*

"What am I going to do with you gone?" She let out a small sigh, "You'll move on like you did with Buffy, I'll be no exception," Angel looked up tears not showing a sign of subsiding soon, "Cordelia, please come back..." She was near him again placing a kiss upon his temple, "I will just not yet...close your eyes and rest and I will be with you."

*You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
You are not alone*

TBC