Title: Holding It Up and Holding It In
Author: CCecil
Posted: 05-01-2002
Disclaimer: Nope last time I looked I didn't own Angel, and I'm sure if I looked again I still don't.
Summary: Cordelia's feelings on what happened while she was gone.
Spoiler: every thing up till now
Feedback: Yes, I crave it.....
It's funny how one simple choice can change your life forever. I'm sitting here in the dark thinking
about that. Yes, me Cordelia Chase sitting in the dark brooding hard to imagine I know. I can
see why Angel broods now. Guilt it does funny things to your mind.
I never thought about what effects my choices would have on the others around me till now.
Maybe if I wouldn't have been so concerned about my own needs I would have seen that the
others need me here. But no I chose to put myself first. My own needs and wants instead of
theirs, and now it's to late.
Why did I ever go away with Groo. Oh that's right because I didn't want to be alone any more,
at least that what I tell myself. There I was off having a great time while my family was in trouble.
I should have been here where I was needed, but in stead I was off with Groo. Sweet lovable
stupid Groo, instead of with the man I really love.
That's right I love Angel. It wasn't really a choice, it just simply is. Ok so I did CHOOSE to
become part demon for him, but he doesn't know that. I told him it was for the mission, but really
it was for him, because I love him and I knew I couldn't live without him even if he doesn't feel
the same. I know he cares about me, but I know he doesn't love me. After all how could he love
me, when the love of his life is no longer dead. Then there is Groo. I do care about him. He is so
sweet and I know he loves me, but how can I love him when my heart belongs to Angel.
God why did I go! I should have been with Angel not Groo, but I wasn't and now the man that I
love has lost his only child he'll ever have. A sweet innocent baby I loved like my he was my own
child. I left him, and now he is gone forever. Taken away by a friend someone I trusted with my
own life. I should have been here.
I know Wesley would have some to me if I would have been here, but I wasn't. Oh god why did
he do it! Why didn't he go to someone? He could have told someone, but he chose to keep it a
secret, and now every thing has fallen apart.
I know he thought he was doing the right thing, and I don't hate him for that. I hate him for
causing Angel so much pain. But more then that I hate myself. I hate myself for not being here
when my family needed me the most. I hate myself, because deep down I know it wasn't just
Wesley who caused Angel to suffer, I did to, because I chose to be in the sun..
End.