Title: Without You
Author: Carm Gonzalez
Posted: 04-16-2002
rated: NC17
Disclaimer:I own none of the characters. They all belong to Joss and whoever else owns them. I write them because I love them and I want Angel and Cordelia to be happy!
Notes: This fan fiction is written is response to a fanfic challenge by Queen of Tact. She so graciously gave me these wonderful ideas to create the following story.
I hope you like it Queen of Tact and keep in mind that I am going to abide by all your suggestions, maybe not in one chapter but in subsequent chapters, that is a promise. This fic is NC-17. Maybe not in all chapters but if you’re under age, don’t even try it. I will not be responsible for anyone reading under age.
Again, no spoilers whatsoever and no curse, I just can’t bring myself to work with it just yet, maybe another time and another fic. Some angst of course is going to be part of this fic but you guys can take it right?
Prologue
“Angel!” Cordelia screamed from the bottom of the stairs as she carried Connor in her arms. He had gotten so big. In these three years that had transpired she had learned to live with Connor being her son, if not biologically in every other way that counted, and her having a new responsibility. She had learned to accept her love for Angel as well. Of course that had been the easiest part of it all.
It still was much better that no one outside of the LA area knew that they had been together and in love for two years now. She smiled inwardly as she thought back to the first time that Angel had told her he loved her. She first had been struck speechless but then she had kissed him for all she was worth. At least Groo had come back for something good. To get her to realize her love for him.
Flashback:
“I want you to have this money and go have fun Cordy. Go and be in the sunshine.”
Cordy looked at him lovingly and took the money from him. “You sure you don’t need patching up yourself?” she had asked. Something inside her knew that he was not feeling well and she wanted to stay with him. At first she had blamed it on being nervous about being alone with Groo.
“No.” Angel had said, “You go and have fun. You deserve it.”
She smiled at him one last time and gathered her strength to walk out that door. Why was it so hard to walk out the damn door?
“Bye Cordelia.” Angel had muttered to himself and he headed up the stairs to be with his newborn son. The only thing that he had left, he had lost Cordelia. He had nothing left, except Connor.
A few minutes later she had come back and barged into Connor’s room where she knew that Angel would be. “All right, dammit Angel tell me why I can’t leave?”
“Huh?” Angel questioned, still confused as to why this frustrating yet endearing woman was standing in front of him. She had just left with the so-called love of her life.
“Why the fuck can’t I leave you?” she said, tears filling her eyes. “I can’t do it. It’s not like a have a future here.” She said, her hands going up in frustration.
“Cordy.” Angel said, suddenly putting Connor back in his crib and making his way towards her.
“Don’t get near me.” she said, as she put her hand out. “Don’t you see, you affect me. What happened during the ballet was not something that I could forget.” She started, rambling. “Don’t you get it Angel? You are much more to me than a friend.”
Angel heard her and felt his heart soar for the first time in his whole life, alive, or undead. He was finally starting to see a glimmer of hope in this so-called life he had. “What are you saying?” he asked, afraid to hope.
“What I’m saying is that I had to let Groo go. I had to tell him right outside this stupid hotel that I wasn’t in love with him anymore. That I preferred to spend my time here with you, with someone who would never even view me any differently than a friend, a best friend. But nothing more! And you know what he actually looked at me with pity and told me that I had a lot of soul searching to do and then he left.”
“Groo is gone?” Angel questioned, a slight smile on his face. “Forever?”
“Yes. Angel. Yes.” She said.
Angel approached her slowly, unsure really of what to do. He had hidden his feelings for her for so long but he had stopped fighting them a while back, he just didn’t have anything to offer her. But now here she was smack in front of him and he knew that it was time to take a risk, to tell her how he felt and to finally let go of a past that he didn’t even ache for anymore. He was hers, if she would have him.
“Cordy ….” Angel began, but was interrupted by Cordelia’s hand going up in the air.
“I don’t want to hear it Angel okay?” Cordelia said, suddenly aware of what she had just said. “I just want to forget it okay.”
“No.” Angel said, “We won’t forget it. We can’t forget it. I want to talk about his. I’m tired of not saying what I feel.”
“Okay.” Cordelia said, realizing he was right. He had a right to tell her that she was out of line and that he would love Buffy forever. That they could continue to be friends but that was it.
“I love you.” He said, as he caressed her cheek lovingly. “I have for a long time.”
Okay, so not what she expected to hear. “Huh?”
Angel laughed and told her again, “I said I love you.”
Cordelia looked into his eyes and saw that he spoke the truth. “Oh my God. I love you too.” She whispered as she hugged him tightly. “So much.”
That was all the encouragement that he needed. He gingerly picked her up and wrapped her legs around his waist. “Since when?” Angel asked.
“Honestly I don’t know.” Cordelia said, as she smiled into his eyes and kissed his forehead lovingly. “But I just realized it today. You?”
“Forever. I just couldn’t tell you. What for? What could I offer you?” he said, as his hands snuck into her hair. “I am a vampire Cordelia. Not even human.”
“Angel. That doesn’t matter to me. I love you, for you. Vamp and all.” She said, as she looked into his eyes and kissed him sweetly on the lips. “I know that you are a good man.” She said, and stopped his response with another kiss, harder on his mouth this time. “Yes Angel a good man.”
“I love you so much.” He uttered, before capturing her lips again. He ran his tongue over her lower lip, begging for entrance, which she openly complied. “I want you right now.”
“So do I.” Cordelia said, “But we do have Connor in the crib and awake.” She said, as Angel squeezed her waist tighter.
“Fine.” He said, albeit grudgingly. “We’ll wait till he goes to sleep.”
“Uh huh.” She said, distractedly by the motions that Angel was creating in her back.
End of Flasback
She came back into reality suddenly laughing as she realized that she didn’t know how much time had transpired between her yelling his name at the bottom of the stairs and her going into her fantasy world. Guessing it had been some time, she yelled again. “Angel!”
Connor saw his mother and laughed as he screamed at the top of his lungs, “Daddy!”
Cordelia looked at him and smiled and heard Angel laugh on the top of the stairs, “You have trained him well sweetheart.” He said, as he strolled down the stairs. “What is it?”
“Connor and I have decided that you have to take us to McDonald’s right honey?” Cordelia said, as she kissed the top of his head.
Angel looked at Connor and smiled lovingly. “Is that right buddy?” he said, as he took him from Cordelia. “Then lets go.” He said, as he wrapped his arm around Cordelia’s waist and bent his head to kiss her on the lips. “You’re paying for this.” he gently prodded.
“Uh huh.” Was all Cordy responded, as she spanked his butt. “Later big boy.”
She laughed when she heard Angel growl in his throat. “Promises, promises.”
“That I intend to keep.” She said, as she squeezed this time, “Every one of them.”
Chapter 1
“I need to go to LA.” Buffy announced suddenly walking in the door, and looking at everyone square in the eye.
“What?” The whole Scooby Gang asked in unison. “You are crazy.” Xander called out. “Completely and totally crazy.” He said, as he felt a headache coming on.
“I just have this feeling that Angel needs me.” she called out sitting down on the sofa. “And I haven’t seen him in so long. I don’t feel connected to him anymore.”
“Angel?” Willow said, “Girl please it has been like six years.” She finalized, instantly sorry that she had opened her mouth once she saw the look of hurt pass Buffy’s eyes.
“I know but he loves me.” Buffy said, “He hasn’t forgotten me we are destined to be together, eventually.” She said, “But I just need to see him, I feel like he needs me. I feel it in my bones.”
“Wait.” Xander piped in. “You just said that you don’t feel connected to him anymore yet you feel that he needs you. That makes no sense.”
“Oh God.” Giles suddenly intercepted. “We need you here.”
“I know.” Buffy said, as she fought the urge to roll her eyes. “I just need a couple of days, that’s all. Just to see for myself that he is okay. I mean really what do we know about the people that are surrounding him. Well Wesley but he can’t fight and lets be realistic here I doubt that Cordelia is going to get her prissy ass dirty.” She said. “Besides she is of no use to him.”
“She really isn’t cut out for this world is she?” said Willow as she scrunched up her nose. “Though you never know maybe she has changed.” She tried. “It has been a while since we’ve seen her.”
“Trust me, she has not changed.” Buffy said. “I know she is just a burden on Angel.”
“Really?” Willow said, thoughtfully. “Six years is a long time to carry a burden.” She said, carefully. The witch didn’t know why but she had a feeling that there was something more there than met the eye, but she couldn’t be sure. “I would have unloaded her by now if she was a burden.”
“Angel is too nice.” Buffy said, shortly. “Besides he has never been able to deny a damsel in distress and Cordelia has that down cold.”
“Okay, so we leave for a couple of days.” Giles offered. “We are not letting you out alone.”
“Fine and who knows maybe I can help Angel a couple of days like old times.” She said, suddenly lighting up. “I know that I have missed him.” And I still love him. She thought to herself.
“I don’t know I just do not feel good about this.” Wesley said, as he looked through the books. “It’s been too quiet. It’s kind of like the calm before the storm. I’m just on edge.” He said, frankly. “It’s probably nothing.” He said, trying to dismiss the feeling with a wave of his hands.
“I know what you mean.” Angel said, as he drank some warm blood that Cordelia warmed up for him. “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to fall but nothing. I’m glad don’t get me wrong. I hate it when Cordy gets visions. But now its okay since the pain is not that bad with her demon side kicking in. But still just seeing her uncomfortable makes me want it not to happen.”
“Hey.” She said, as she came up behind him and scrunched her nose. Angel smiled at that gesture. It was one of his favorites. She looked so cute when she did that. “Connor just went down for his nap and I was wondering if you wanted to go work out for a bit downstairs. I need to release some energy.”
“Yeah.” He said, as he hugged her to him. “Why not? It’s pretty quiet out here.” He said, as he extended his hand and intertwined their fingers all the while looking back and nodding to Wesley his goodbye.
Suddenly from nowhere Cordelia jerked forward with the force of her vision. Angel was so unprepared that if he didn’t move faster than a human she would have fallen and hit the floor pretty hard. Every time she had a vision he held her to him and tried to whisper his love to her ear, to calm her down. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t, like today. For some odd reason, she kept saying, no, no, no, no, and he was starting to get anxious. He hated feeling hopeless and this was one situation which he had no control over.
“It’s okay baby.” He said, “It will soon be over.” He said, comfortingly. “It’ll be over soon.” And as soon as his words came out she felt better. She turned to look at him and tried to get away from him.
“Cordy?” he said, reaching out again, not willing to admit just yet that she had rejected his touch. But she managed to get away from him once again. This wasn’t good, not at all. She had never flinched from his touch, not after a vision. Not for years now. She always welcomed it, even if they had just fought, she still couldn’t resist him most times. They both had that effect on each other. What was wrong?
“Cordy?” he tried again, but this time not touching her, full well knowing that it would be counterproductive.
“She’s coming here.” Was all she said as she got up from the floor by herself and stumbled, Angel’s first instinct was to reach out but Wesley held her firm in place and she leaned into him willingly.
Angel fought the urge not to growl out loud at the jealousy that he felt as he looked at Wesley’s arms around Cordelia’s waist. His Cordelia. He shifted his thoughts back to the previous statement she had made because he needed to get his mind away from thoughts of murdering Wesley.
“Who?” Angel and Wesley asked at the same time. “Whose coming?” Angel repeated.
Cordelia turned to look at the both of them and her glare hardened as she made eye contact with Angel. “The love of your life.” Was all she said, as she made her way up the stairs, pushing him back as he tried to approach her for the third time.
“Who?” Angel turned to look at Wesley. Then it dawned on him. Buffy. No she couldn’t be coming. This would not be good for Cordelia. It was having an effect on her that he didn’t like. How many times in the beginning of their relationship had he told her that he was over Buffy, he thought it had gone through but just seeing her right now, he knew that she didn’t believe him. And that hurt him, hurt him a lot. Why didn’t she believe that he loved her and no one else? Why did she sell herself short? He didn’t love Buffy had not for a long time. “This is so not good.” He said, aloud. “So not good.” He repeated more to himself than to anyone else.
Wesley looked at him and patted him on the back. “I agree Angel but you can’t concentrate on that now. You need to find out what the vision was about and how we can help, you deal with Cordelia later.” He said.
Angel looked at Wesley like he had grown two heads. “No. I take care of Cordelia now.” He said. “I will talk to her about the vision later. I know Cordy if that vision was happening at this instant she would not have hesitated to tell me to go. Besides if Buffy is involved she isn’t here yet, right? At least I haven’t seen her.”
Wesley looked down, suddenly embarrassed. “You’re right. I’m sorry Angel. It’s just that this mission of ours is so important.” He said, as a means of rationalizing his previous statement.
“Don’t be.” He said, immediately. “This is my problem. I will deal with it but one way or another she will get it that I’m in love with her.” He said, as he made his way upstairs.
“Hey honey you want mommy to play with you?” she said, as she sat on the floor of Connor’s new bedroom. Connor had slept with her and Angel for the first few months next to their bed and then they had moved him to a small room next to theirs. He had one monitor and they had the other. But now that Connor was three they had moved him to a bigger room, farther from theirs. At first Cordelia had said no, but Angel had insisted. He needed a little bit of independence and this was the only way to do it.
“What do you want to play mommy?” he asked, excited, bringing her back to reality. “Can daddy play too?” he said, as he turned and saw Angel at the door.
“He’s busy right now sweetie.” Cordelia said, but was interrupted brusquely. “Daddy is not busy right now buddy.” He said, as she sat down. Where had he come from? She didn’t even hear him.
Cordelia just looked at him and got up immediately. “Okay then daddy will play with you while mommy goes and fixes us some lunch.”
“Mommy will stay right here and play with us.” Angel said, and his tone was none to conciliatory. “Wesley will get lunch.” He looked straight into her eyes and left no room for argument. It was weird but without uttering a word, Cordelia knew exactly what he was saying. And at that moment, he was saying that she better stay put and not let her anger towards him affect their son. Dammit! She hated it when he was right.
“Yeah mommy come play with us.” Connor said, as he walked to her and grabbed her hand. “Come on.” He repeated, as he pulled her to the floor.
“Okay.” She said, glaring at Angel and sitting back down and whispering so Connor couldn’t hear. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“Fine.” Angel whispered just as softly. “But we will and soon. For now we play with our son.” He said, trying not to get frustrated at her but failing miserably. She was so unnerving sometimes and so stubborn that he just wanted to shake her and make her understand.
“What is that?” Cordelia asked, as Connor took out blocks from a box. “Mommy.” Connor said, as he rolled his eyes, “There my blocks.”
Cordelia and Angel had to laugh. “Lets build a castle.” He said, as he sat in front of them.
“Okay.” They both said, and put on a fake smile for Connor. Angel reached out for Cordelia’s hand and she automatically snatched it away. She wouldn’t let him touch her and as much as he didn’t want to be hurt by it, he was. She was shutting him out and she was fuming over something that had no importance to him. She was suffering when she wasn’t supposed to. Yes he did love Buffy but not anymore, not the way Cordy thought, he was not in love with Buffy anymore. He loved her more than he ever loved Buffy.
“Cordy.” He said, as he grabbed her hand when she wasn’t paying attention and refused to let it go. She struggled slightly, not wanting Connor to pick up on their little dilemma.
“Let me go.” She whispered.
“No.” he said, while he used his power over her and sat her down on his lap, not letting her have any room to maneuver. “I won’t let you do this,” he said, looking intently into her eyes. “I won’t let you destroy this.” He sighed and look upward trying to get his emotions under control in front of Connor.
“What’s the matter mommy?” Connor said, as he saw what Angel had missed, a single tear sliding down Cordelia’s cheek. “Why are you crying mommy?” he asked almost near tears himself.
“Mommy is tired sweetie.” She said, as she finally was able to break free from Angel’s grip. Hearing his son ask his mother why she was crying made him loosen his hold on her. She was crying over this. God! What was he going to do?
Gunn and Fred at that moment made an entrance and froze as they saw and felt the tension in the room. Fred acted immediately as she said, “Why don’t we take Connor to the park?” she suggested. “For a little bit.”
“Okay.” Angel said, “Just be careful.” He finished, relieved at the invasion. He wanted to talk to Cordelia now and while he loved Connor more than life itself, he needed to be alone with Cordy right now.
“We will.” Fred said, gently. “Don’t worry about us.” She said, as she inched closer to Angel and whispered, “You take care of whatever problem you have here.”
He nodded and when he turned back to Cordelia, it was too late she had fled out the door. How had he missed that? How had he missed her crying? He made his way to their bedroom and saw that she was lying on the bed with her back towards him. “Honey come on.” He said, “Talk to me.” He was inwardly relieved that she was still in their room. For one single second he had panicked and thought that she was going to move out.
When she remained quiet, he laid beside her and wrapped his arm around her waist as he pulled her against his chest. She struggled but finally relented when she realized that she wasn’t going to succeed. “Talk to me.” he repeated. “Please.” He begged.
“She’s coming.” She said, as she started to sob. “She is the one you really love Angel.”
Angel closed his eyes and felt his undead heart break for her and her words cut like no other words could have. “No, I don’t Cordy. I love you.” He said, as he kissed her head. “Why don’t you believe me?” he questioned, anguish about to take his soul. “I believe you love me and no one else. Cordy, Buffy is my past, and that’s not something I can change but let me ask you this, do you still love Zander?” he questioned.
“Who?” Cordelia asked, suddenly before it hit her. “No, of course not.” She automatically answered. She had not thought of Zander in such a long time, it was amazing.
“Then why is it so difficult for you to understand that I don’t love Buffy anymore.” He protested. “I don’t understand.”
“Cause Xander and I were never written in the stars Angel. Cause Zander and I never had a love that would transcend any universe or any force. They reserved that kind of love for you and Buffy.” She said, sadly as she inched closer to him unconsciously.
He caught the movement but did not acknowledge it out loud he just pulled her closer. “They reserved that love for you and me Cordy.” He said, as he tried to reason with her. “If we were so destined to be in love forever, I would not have fallen deeply and totally in love with you. I would have remained loving her forever. It would have been my penance for all the bad that I did.”
“Angel please just leave me alone.” She whispered as she buried her head deeper in the pillow. She didn’t want to hear all of this. She just wanted to submerge herself in her despair and in her memories of Angel, because that would be all she had once he left.
“No.” Angel growled. “If you don’t want to talk to me then I guess I’ll just have to convince you.” He said, as he turned her around and smiled. “I can always convince you how much I love you Cordy.” He finalized, as he inched closer to her.
“Don’t.” Cordy said, as her hands stilled on his chest, trying to avoid him getting to close. She was a goner as soon as his body made contact with hers, so it wouldn’t be different this time. His touch was magic and she always reveled in it.
But Angel would not waver. He just pulled her hands out of the way and dropped his body slowly onto hers as he sighed heavily. “You’re the only one that fits me to perfection Cordy. No one before you and I have lived a long time.” He said, as he nuzzled her neck and nipped. “Perfect fit.”
Cordy moaned involuntarily. “Please don’t do this right now.” She said, struggling against him.
“Why not?” he said. “Are you going to fight me trying to prove something to me?” he stated as his hand moved her head to the side, so he could kiss her neck again. She moaned loudly as he licked the two little scars that she had on her neck. It was the claim that he had bestowed upon her, the first time that they made love, the puncture wound that he would open time and time again to drink from her as he came crashing into her every night. To taste her, to feel her, to love her, to make her his over and over again.
“Tell me what you want.” He whispered into her ear, something that he liked to ask her from time to time. She was as passionate as him sometimes and she just loved to tell him what to do, in the sack or otherwise.
Cordy was barely aware of the control that she had. In a couple of seconds, she would be lost to him. “I want you to leave me alone.” She hissed, as she stifled a moan when Angel’s hand went under her blouse to cup a breast. She didn’t know why she was fighting it she knew that Angel would be able to feel her pulse anyway. One of the things she couldn’t do was lie to him. The annoying vampire senses killed it every time.
“Can’t do that.” He said, as he kissed her on the mouth. “But you can tell me what you really want.” He said, as he ripped her blouse open and continued, “Do you want me to roll your nub with my fingers?” he said, as he did exactly what he had uttered. “Or do you want me to unclasp your bra first?” he questioned. He perfectly well knew that she wanted him but she was not giving in. Well she would soon. He would make her if it was the last thing he did.
Cordy kept her gaze on the ceiling trying to ignore the feelings that were coursing through her body. If she looked at him she would melt and she would not do that, she couldn’t not when she felt that these were the last times that they would be together like this. He would leave her, as soon as he saw the Slayer. She wanted him back. She had felt it in her vision. Buffy still loved Angel.
Cordy wanted to stop him but she couldn’t find the will to do it. She craved his touch as much as she wanted his love. She needed it, to live and to breathe. She was so in love with him but she knew that one day it would end.
He unclasped her bra and threw it over his shoulder as his head bent down and the tip of his tongue lightly flicked her areola. She shivered as his cold tongue moved to her other breast. But she refrained from arching her back towards him. Barely.
He smiled in spite of the situation. She was fighting it and fighting it hard but she would budge. He didn’t even feel guilty doing this to her. She would have him in the end anyway and he would make her scream his name. If anything he felt sadness at her not trusting their love just yet but he would deal with that later, right now he was intent on making her his, again.
His hands clasped the buckle of her pants and as soon as it was undone, he managed to slip the zipper down. “Cordy you’re so beautiful.” He whispered in her ear, as he flicked his tongue. He heard her sharp intake of breath and kissed her ear lovingly. “Give into it Cordy.” He said, as his hands had her pants down her legs, fast and steady. “Let me love you.”
He looked at her as he sat up on the bed and disposed of his clothes. She still refused to look at him. If she did, he would have won. Once naked he laid next to her and ran a finger over her face, down her neck, to her belly and down to her dark curls. “You want me to touch you?” he questioned, as his hand lightly felt her curls and he gently caressed over the top of her panties.
“Stop it.” She said, “I don’t want to do this.” she finalized, and sat up abruptly. She needed to settle her breathing.
“Oh but you do my love.” He said, in voice that was seducing her. “You want me to touch you here.” He said, as his hand went inside her panties and opened her folds for him to gently rub her clit.
She took a sharp intake of breath and steadied herself for the sensations that she knew were going to course through her body. She had one iota left of control and she held his hand against her, trying to yank it from her body. He was relentless and kept his hand exactly where it was. He wasn’t going anywhere.
Cordy finally let out a moan as she took her hand from his. It was useless. This was the life that she lived. She couldn’t deny him, it would be denying herself. “Tell me you want this,” he said, as he hurried his ministrations, increasing the pressure on her clit.
Cordy’s body started to buck against his hand of its own accord. “Hmmmm…” was all she managed to mutter out, as his hand circled her clit. As soon as he heard her, he slowed his pace, withdrew and turned her around. “I love you.” He said, as he saw her bend her head down to avoid his gaze. “Cordy, only you.” He said, as he cupped her chin and made her look into his eyes. “I want to show you but I also need you to believe it.”
“Make love to me Angel.” Was all Cordy said, “I need to feel you inside me.”
Angel couldn’t hold back anymore, he wanted her as much as he loved her. It was always like that between them. Once their bodies touched, it was over. It was intense, it was frustrating, it was intoxicating and addicting but he would not change it for the world. Without another word he pulled her panties and rammed into her in one hard thrust. He gasped her name as soon as he penetrated her. Her warmthness always amazed him, and surrounded him each time. She was the only one that could make him feel alive.
Having her not respond to him since the beginning was bothering him but all thoughts left his brain and his body. The only thing that remained were the sensations that Cordy was making him feel when he was inside her. She was his sunshine and he found that he didn’t miss anything as long as she was by his side.
She started meeting him thrust for thrust and soon their bodies bumped into one another time and time again in a frontal position. She felt him pump in and out of her, faster and deeper each time until she didn’t know when one stroke began and the other one ended. She started making small squealing sounds as her orgasm approached her. “Almost there.” She panted, “God Angel why do you this to me?” she asked, as she was losing her breath.
“Come for me baby.” He said, raggedly. His passion for her was undeniable and his game face won out. He wanted her, needed her, loved her, almost to the point of obsession. He growled as he felt his release coming soon and bent down and nipped at her neck, sending Cordelia over the edge.
She finally cried out his name as she came crashing down and Angel growled as he bit her neck and drank from her as he released his cold semen into her. He then laid on top of her to settle his emotions and smiled when she started caressing his back. He looked up and kissed her on the mouth. “I love you Cordy.”
“I love you Angel.” She said, as she hugged him to her. “Don’t ever leave me.” she pleaded.
“I won’t.” he vowed. “I’m nothing without you.” He said, as he pulled himself off of her and laid her on top.
“What about Buffy?” she asked, and braced herself for the response.
“She comes to LA and then she leaves. Whatever it is she’s coming for, I’m not leaving you.”
Cordy hugged him to her and smiled, “I love you.” She said, as she yawned and closed her eyes for a much needed rest.
Chapter 2
Angel groaned unhappily as he heard the phone ring. Who the hell could that be? he thought to himself. Where was everyone? Why weren’t they answering the phone? He turned and saw that Cordelia was sleeping peacefully and he acted immediately. He didn’t want to wake her up. Even though it was only 6 o’clock in the evening, he had tired her out and it seemed that she was getting a much-deserved rest.
“Hello?” he said, groggily, not really interested in who was on the other line. He had the only person that meant something to him and that could talk on the phone right next to him.
“Angel?” came the voice from the other end.
Angel sat up in bed quickly. He didn’t know if he was happy, relieved, or nervous from hearing her voice. “How are you?” he said, without mentioning her name out loud, afraid that Cordelia might have woken up. He didn’t feel much for her but he didn’t want to be rude, he couldn’t. Something in him still felt the necessity to be nice and civil to her and to maintain whatever connection it was they had. He didn’t really know why. But one thing was for sure, it wasn’t love, this felt different.
“You remembered my voice.” Buffy said, happily, as she sighed out loud, glad that he still could pick her out from any other voice on the phone.
“Yeah.” Angel said. “What’s up?”
“Well I wanted to check in on you and let you know that I’m here in LA and that I want to see you if possible.” Buffy said, enthusiastically. “It’s been too long Angel.” She finished, as she closed her eyes and embraced herself for his answer.
“Okay.” He said, but refraining from saying anything else. Odd, he thought, he really didn’t have anything to add. She wanted to see him and he would comply. He did owe her that much. So much was left unsaid between them that they did need to meet and talk.
“Can I see you at your place?” she offered right away.
Angel automatically gripped the receiver more closely. He turned to see Cordelia and he smiled as his hands instinctively went to the top of her head and stroked her hair gently, almost reverently. “No.” he said. He didn’t want to hide it from Cordelia but if she was going to get as worked-up as a while ago then he wasn’t willing to put her through that torture unless it was absolutely necessary. And to him right now it wasn’t. He would go see her, say hi, come home to where he belonged and not even mention it.
Funny, how the vision didn’t even come to Angel’s mind right now.
“Why not?” she questioned, suddenly feeling that he was hiding something from her. So she decided to change the subject and assess the situation at the same time, “How’s Cordelia?” she asked, rather snobbish. She didn’t particularly care but she needed to know what role she played in Angel’s life. One thing was for sure, she wouldn’t be his partner, because they both were destined to be together, her and Angel.
Angel felt his chest constrict and he wanted to tell her not to mention her name in that tone but he refrained and instead said, “Really good. Happy.” He said, as he sneaked another peek at her and grinned.
“She’s always happy as long as she’s shopping.” She remarked, disdainfully.
“Things change.” He said, coldly. “So has she.”
“Well okay.” She said, letting it go. Cordelia wasn’t important anyway. “Where do you want to meet?” she questioned, changing the subject from Cordelia to them again.
“You decide.” He said, as he swung his legs to the floor and got up putting his boxers on while he headed to the bathroom intent on not making any more noise for Cordelia.
“Lets meet at a restaurant.” She suggested.
“Fine.” Angel said, “There is one that Cordy loves. Its on Hudson and 63rd.” he offered.
“What time?” she said, excitedly, not even thinking about his last comment on Cordelia and not even caring why he knew that it was one that Cordelia loved.
“Nine.” He said. “I’ll see you there.” He offered, hoping that she didn’t ask to be picked up because then he would feel guiltier than he already was feeling towards his Cordy.
“Today?” she prodded, hopeful. It was only six o’clock. Surely if he had plans he could cancel them and meet with her instead.
He wanted to say yes just to get it over with, and to see her one more time. He knew that when he saw her he would be saying goodbye to his past and hello to his present and future with Cordelia but he didn’t want to leave her alone tonight. Cordelia was more important than anything else right now and he knew that if he left, she would be wondering where he headed to and then she would ask him and he would not be able to hide the lie. He never could lie to her that well to begin with.
“Tomorrow.” He said. “I can’t tonight.”
“Why not tonight?” Buffy said, seductively. “I missed you so much.” She added, wanting to convince him.
“I can’t.” he said. “I have plans already.” He finished, hoping that would be enough for her.
“Angel.” Buffy said, “I thought that you would be happy to see me?” she said, suddenly feeling her heart constrict. He was not jumping through hoops to see her while she in turn was just dying to see him. What was wrong?
Angel smiled as he realized that Buffy might actually think that they had a future together. Maybe Cordelia wasn’t so off, maybe she did come with an agenda in mind, which would surely complicate things. “I do want to see you but I can’t tonight.” He added, already feeling in the pit of his stomach that one way or the other Cordelia would find out about this, if he didn’t play his cards right tomorrow night.
“Too short of a notice for work?” she asked, not wanting to believe that it was something or someone else that was making him not want to see her. “I can help you patrol.” She suggested.
“Patrol?” he said. “I don’t patrol by myself. I take my team with me Buffy. Thing are different here in LA.”
Buffy laughed at that, “Don’t tell me Cordelia and Wesley go?” She laughed again, at the ridiculous notion of Cordelia fighting off a vampire or a demon.
“Yes. They. Do.” He said, mono-syllabic. “They have become excellent fighters.” Angel defended. “Cordelia has become quite good at fighting demons.”
“Cordy? The one person that complained more than Queen Elizabeth if a nail broke?” she inquired, really feeling that Cordelia was more to Angel than just a co-worker. She would hate it if they were friends, but she would really hate it if they had something else. No, she admonished herself. Don’t think that, that’s just your nerves talking to you right now.
Angel smirked sarcastically, “She has changed a lot.” He offered. “More than you can imagine. LA has been rough and she has matured a great deal.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” She said, suddenly getting angry.
“She’s busy.” He said, “I don’t think she’ll be able to go tomorrow.” He offered immediately. No way was Cordy going to see Buffy if he could help it.
Buffy smiled inwardly but didn’t make it known to the person on the other side of the phone. He wanted to see her alone, that meant that he still loved her, right? “No.” she amended. “I didn’t want to see her tomorrow maybe after you and I talk.” She suggested, but not really caring one way or the other, her doubts suddenly dissipating on Angel and Cordelia. Angel still loved her.
“Yeah. Maybe.” He said, shortly.
How could he hang up with her? And when was it that he began feeling uncomfortable just talking to her? He felt like he was betraying Cordy and in a way he was by not telling her. But how much more betrayal was going to come of this? Dinner tomorrow and then what? He hoped nothing.
“So I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” he said, as a form of goodbye, hoping that he would take the hint.
“Yeah.” He said, “Bye.”
As soon as he hung up he went back into the bedroom and found Cordelia still sleeping. He sighed a breath of relief, unnecessary, but none the less felt he had to take it. He took off his boxers and slipped back into the covers with her and spooned himself against her warmth. The warmth that she could only give him, he sighed contentedly and smiled as he fell into a deep slumber once again.
As soon as Cordelia felt his presence back in bed and against her, consciously or not, she moved her body more towards him and her arms wrapped around him. He picked her up gently and brought her even closer to him. “I love you Cordy.” He whispered, as he closed his eyes again and kissed her on the mouth once before leaning back and sleeping.
“Willow I’m seeing him tomorrow night.” Buffy said, as she walked into their hotel room. “I can’t wait. I wonder if he has changed.” And then she laughed at herself, “Of course not its Angel.”
“Buffy.” Willow said, warningly. “Be careful. You don’t know what he has been up to in these past six years.” She informed her, matter of factly. “He might not have changed physically but emotionally and psychologically you never know.”
“Are you suggesting that he is seeing someone? I don’t think so. He left Sunnydale hurt that he couldn’t be with me and suffering for me for all eternity.” She emphasized. “Someday we are destined to be together and until then he won’t be with anyone else. He wouldn’t betray me like that.” She finished, finding herself getting worked up over this conversation.
“Unless he fell in love?” Willow said.
“No.” she said, “He can’t.”
Willow looked at Buffy and almost commented how she had a sneaking feeling that Angel had moved on and that the person he did it with was not someone Buffy was going to be very happy with. She couldn’t say for sure because she had not seen or heard from Cordelia, Angel or Wesley for that matter, but if Angel had not even made an appearance to see Buffy, it was because he had moved on or accepted the fact that they would not be together. And in her opinion it would only be a matter of time before he realized the woman that was always next to him. Cordelia.
“I wish you luck then.” Willow said, as she got up and went to hug Buffy.
”I really do.” She whispered more to herself than to her.
“Conor!” Angel yelled as his son was running up the stairs. “You’re going to fall. Stop it right now.”
“Where’s mommy?” he asked, impatiently. “I want to see mommy.”
“She’s sleeping.” He said, as he went and picked him up and twirled him around smiling. “And you’re going to have to wait until she gets up okay?” he questioned, as he kissed his cheek.
“But daddy.” Connor argued. “I need to tell her something.” He said, pouting. “Really important.”
“Oh yeah?” Angel said, as he laughed. “And what is that?”
“That next time we go out I want to go to the zoo.” He said, excitedly. “And I don’t want her to forget.”
“Why is that?” Angel questioned, as he looked at his son with love in his eyes reserved only for him.
“Because we get to see monkeys. They are big and black and …” he was interrupted suddenly by Angel, “Okay, mommy will take you to the zoo soon but for now let her sleep okay?”
“Okay.” He said, and wriggled free. “Can I go and play?”
“Go head.” Angel said, “But be careful on the stairs and don’t run.”
“I won’t daddy.” He said.
Now he could go and see his mommy. He laughed at how clever her was.
Cordelia awoke to breathing on her cheek, breath that smelled like Oreos and milk. She smiled as she opened her eyes and saw Connor looking at her intently, not even two inches away from her. “Hi sunshine.” She said, as she hugged him to her and kissed him tenderly. “You’re back from the walk in the park with Fred and Gunn?”
“Connor I told you not to wake up your mommy.” He admonished. “Didn’t you listen to me?”
“Sorry.” Connor said. “But mommy looked so lonely here.”
“It’s okay.” Cordelia said, while she laughed at Connor’s excuse. “I want to be with my two favorite boys right now.” She said, “And since I have them here in the same room well lets just say that I want to be up.”
“Yay!!!!” Connor said, as he started running around the room making an airplane movement.
Angel went to the bed to sit next to Cordelia and reached for her hand. He smiled as she met him half way and she intertwined their fingers together. He turned, looked at her and whispered an inch from her mouth. “I love you.”
Cordelia smiled and kissed him again. “Me too baby. Me too.”
He laid next to her, then picked her up and put her back against his chest so they could watch their son. It couldn’t get better than this, Angel thought. And no one was going to destroy it.
Chapter 3
The following evening ………
Angel had been fidgety all day long, Cordelia thought to herself as she saw Angel go into the shower. What was his problem? First off he was avoiding her gaze today, and for some odd reason she felt like he was hiding something from her. But he wouldn’t do that, not now, she admonished to herself. Automatically putting all thoughts of Buffy to the side. She knew that she was coming soon and she knew that they would bump into each other but for now, for today she was safe. Angel would definitely tell her when Buffy arrived.
Angel came out of the shower clad in a towel and finally looked at her and grinned. “Hey.” He said, as he made his way to the bed and kissed her on the mouth. “What are you up to?” he questioned, as he kissed her once more on her neck and licked the fresh wound he had inflicted last night. She always tasted so good.
“Nothing much.” She said, as she stretched out, leaning so Angel could have better access. “Waiting for you to come out of the shower so we can talk.”
Angel instantly became tense after that comment. “About?” he said, almost in a whisper. “We are okay right?”
Cordy furrowed her brow, “I don’t know Angel. I think so.” She said, suddenly exasperated. “Whatever. We do that you know, we have done that forever. The not talking and then its just bad after, so I think we learned our lesson the last time.”
“I know.” Angel shrugged, as he dropped the towel and headed for the drawer to take out some boxers. This was the perfect opportunity to tell her, he chided himself, but nothing came out. He couldn’t tell her.
“Why don’t you come to bed?” she said, slyly. Why was he putting on clothes? She thought that they might be in for the night unless of course she had a vision. Visions, damn there she went again, thinking of Buffy and her coming into town. She could really do without the visions for a while. The Buffy visions that was.
“I have to go out.” He said, suddenly turning his back on her and making his way to the closet for some pants and a shirt. He hated this, God he hated this.
“Out?” Cordelia asked. “Okay. Where to?” she said, her curiosity piked.
“Nowhere special. Kate needs me to go over some stuff with her and I said that I would meet her at her place. No big deal.” He finished and automatically had to put his hand against the wall. He felt weak and he felt like a real bastard lying to Cordy like that. But he told himself, to make him feel better, he wanted to spare her any more heartache. She wouldn’t understand his meeting with Buffy.
“Okay.” Cordy said, going up to him and wrapping her arms around his waist. “But before you go can we have a little fun?” she questioned, as her hands went down and cupped his rapidly growing bulge. “Not for too long.” She finished as she kissed his back and nipped his shoulder playfully.
Angel closed his eyes and leaned back against her touch. He wanted to, so much. And the way her hand was moving was reminding him that he wasn’t immune to any of her charms, no matter how much of a liar he was. He still wanted her right now. He growled slowly, a growl coming deep within his chest, almost a purr. One that was much more intense than Cordelia’s whenever she purred for him. He loved the way she purred. Before his thoughts could go any further and before he lost himself, he stilled her hand and turned around. Looking deeply into her he smiled sadly, “I would love to stay here and make love to you all night long. You got to believe that Cordy.” He begged. “But I gotta go. I gotta go.” He said, as he pressed his forehead to her and lightly kissed her.
He then turned and put his pants on hastily, buttoning up his shirt right after and heading out the door. “Angel.” He heard Cordelia call out. “Be careful.” Something was definitely wrong. She just didn’t know what it was.
“I will.” He said, but did not turn to look at her. He couldn’t. He couldn’t bare to see the look of confusion and hurt in her face. Who was he kidding, Cordy wasn’t buying any of this. She knew something was up, she just didn’t know what it was and didn’t ask him. “I love you.” He called out to her and he truly meant it.
“I love you.” He heard her say, once the door was shut. He leaned his forehead against the door and vowed to himself. “Just this once Cordy. I’m lying just this once. I swear just this once.” He then headed down the stairs and out the door, leaving a stunned Gunn, Wesley and Fred in the living room.
++++++++++++
“How do I look?” Buffy asked, as she twirled around in her dress. It was beautiful. All black, Angel’s color, and hugged her in all the right places. A definite sight for sore eyes.
“Why do you want to look beautiful for dead boy?” Xander asked in disgust. “Leave him alone Buffy.” He finished. She really needed to just let it go. For her own good, cause he truly didn’t care about Angel. Only what seeing him again would do to Buffy.
Buffy rolled her eyes as she smiled. “I can’t wait to see him.” She said, looking straight at Willow. “I hope we have a wonderful time and no vampires show up.” So we can concentrate on us, she thought to herself.
Xander and Giles both grunted their response. “Come on guys.” Buffy said. “Lighten up. Who knows what can happen tonight.”
“That’s what were worried about.” Giled interrupted. “Have fun Buffy.” Giled sighed out loud. He had a bad feeling abut this.
+++++++++++
Cordelia came down the stairs and smiled, “Hey guys you up for a movie tonight?” she asked. “We rented some yesterday.” She finished, as she grabbed a Diet Coke and took a sip.
“Where did Angel go?” Wesley asked. “He left without saying goodbye.” He clarified. If anyone knew where Angel was it would be Cordy.
Cordelia looked at him and replied, “Honestly I don’t know. He said he was going to see Kate but he was acting weird. Well weirder than usual. But I trust him. Maybe its just that he has a lot on his mind.” She said.
Or not. Wesley thought answering his own question.
“Maybe.” Gunn said. “Brood boy comes out every 10 months now.” He said, smiling. “Not as much now since Cordy loves him.”
“I know.” Fred said, suddenly excited. “What about if we go to that Italian restaurant that Cordy loves so much?” she asked. “All of us. It will be fun.”
“No.” Gunn and Wes both replied, “We’re tired and we should be here on the lookout but you girls go and have fun. We’ll even watch Connor.” Wes said.
Cordy looked hesitantly for a moment at all of them but decided that she should go and have fun. Angel would probably be at least a couple of hours so she had time to spare and she was really developing an appetite. “Sure!” she said, suddenly excited at the prospect. “We’ll make it a girls night out.” And she could get her mind off Angel for a couple of hours.
“Lets get dressed.” Fred said, as they both laughed and ran up the stairs. Sometimes they forgot that they were not normal people who lived day to day. They had to have fun whenever opportunity knocked at the door.
“They could definitely use a night out.” Gunn said, as he laughed at their excitement.
“Yeah.” Wes agreed, worrying where Angel was. He knew that he wasn’t with Kate after all she was out of town and he had lied to Cordelia of all people.
Oh Angel what kind of trouble are you getting yourself into? He thought to himself, already knowing that this night was not going to end up as everyone expected. Something was going to go wrong, he could feel it.
+++++++++
Buffy was already sitting at the table when Angel walked in. He knew he was twenty minutes late, but in those twenty minutes he had debated on calling Cordy and coming clean with her, and just getting it over with. He hated lying to her and he was about to diss Buffy and go and tell Cordy the truth and then meet with Buffy at another time. But the fact remained that he was scared. Him, the 252 year old vampire was petrified that a 27 year old girl was going to leave him because she wouldn’t understand why he did this. But how could he explain it to her, when he didn’t understand it himself. What was he so afraid of? Losing Cordy that’s what it was.
He saw her the second he walked in the restaurant and had to smile at her beauty. She had not changed much and she still remained beautiful. Instinctively Buffy turned to him and smiled genuinely when she saw him walk towards her. She got up from her chair hastily and hugged him to her tightly. All the love she still felt for him flowed through her and into the embrace.
Angel was a bit surprised at how tight she held him. It felt like if at any moment she thought that he would disappear. He felt a little uncomfortable and tried to separate himself almost immediately, but she held on for a couple of more seconds. “How are you?” she said, as she caressed his cheek lovingly. “I’ve missed you so much.” She said, as she kissed his cheek. And I still love you, she wanted to scream.
Angel let her kiss him and felt a tingly sensation in the pit of his stomach. What was that? Residual feelings for the first love of his life or was it just nervousness? He looked at her and genuinely smiled. He was happy to see her, happy to know that she was well and seemed happy, as he was happy with Cordelia. Cordelia, his mind shouted and he lost the grin immediately and put distance between them. Cordelia, he loved Cordelia now and would do nothing to hurt her.
He motioned for her to sit down and ordered a glass of bourbon as the waiter approached him. “So.” Angel said, without beating around the bush. “What can I do for you? What brings you here?” he questioned.
Buffy lifted her eyebrows in surprise. It seemed like he was trying to hurry up this conversation and fled from the restaurant. “We can get to that later.” She said, with a dismissive hand. “Tell me how you have been? What has been of your life for the past six years Angel?” I’m dying to know, she thought to herself. Do you still love me?
“I’ve been good and happy.” He said, automatically finding that it was the God to honest truth.
“Happy?” she said, scrunching her nose. “Without me in your life?” she questioned.
Angel furrowed his brow and remained quiet for a couple of seconds. How could he answer that and not hurt her feelings? How can he make Buffy understand that he had moved on and he did it because he had found true love? As he looked at Buffy he knew that she still had feelings for him, maybe not as intense as when they were younger but the were still there. The funny thing was that he felt them too but he just didn’t feel the necessity to act on them. He wasn’t in love with her anymore. They were to remain in the past as a beautiful time in his life and as the beginning of his path to redemption.
“Angel?” she said, as she brought him back to reality. “I asked you a question.”
Angel was about to answer when the waiter made his way back and Angel silently thanked whatever God was looking over him right now because he had no answer for her but the truth. “So tell me,” he began, trying to change the subject. “Tell me what you have been up to for these past six years? How is the Sunnydale gang?” he asked, really not interested but knowing full well that she would be more than happy to fill him in.
He was in for a long night and he missed Cordy.
+++++++++++
Cordelia paid the taxi cab driver and made her way into the restaurant with Fred. She saw the familiar hostess that greeted her and Angel from time to time and she saw how she got this nervous expression on her face. “Cordy how have you been?” she said, a little more than enthusiastically.
“I’m good, here with a friend.” She said. “Do you have a table for us?” she asked. “I know we didn’t make a reservation.”
She was about to say no because the only table that was left was the one that was next to Angel and the girl that he had met here and she sure as hell did not want to take her to that particular table. That would not be good.
“Sure come with me.” The new guy said, trying to be as helpful as he could. She almost murdered him. If Cordelia and Angel were still together which she was almost sure of this was not going to be good. There would be an all time war of that she was sure. Cordelia would not take this sitting down.
“Well then Xander is ….” Buffy was saying, as Angel breathed in a familiar scent. Cordy’s scent. No, he told himself, I just feel bad about lying to her that is why I’m smelling her, that’s it, he said to himself. She can’t be here. She can’t be here!
Cordelia smiled at the new guy and followed him into the dining area. She scanned the room really not interested in who she saw but was looking to see if she saw a table that she liked and then her eyes stopped on Buffy and her heart froze. Was that her? It looked like her. Oh God, it was her, she looked as beautiful as ever and she wore a beautiful smile. She then turned to her partner and gasped out loud. It was Angel! Of all people it was Angel and he brought her here, to their restaurant, how could he? She was frozen solid in the space that she was standing in. Here he was telling her that he was with Kate when all along it was Buffy that he was here to see. He lied to her!
Fred stopped right in back of her and frowned slightly. “Cordy?” she asked, as she tried to push her forward but she wouldn’t budge. When she saw that she wasn’t moving she went to stand beside her and gasped out loud “Who is Angel with?” she said, feeling anger rise up within her.
“Buffy.” Was all Cordelia said. “His precious Buffy.”
“Oh my.” Fred said, concern finally dawning in for her friend. “Lets just go.” She offered, gently. “He’ll explain when he gets home.”
“No.” Cordelia said, “He’ll explain now. If he didn’t want me to know that he was meeting her here, well that’s just to damn bad.” She said, as her feet finally sprinted forward. She was fuming, the hurt would come later, she knew this would bring utter devastation to her heart but for now she kept those feelings bottled up deep inside of her.
Angel breathed in one more time and panic started to rise in the pit of his stomach, deeper than the first time, he could still smell his Cordy but the trouble was that the scent was getting stronger and stronger and if it was, then there was a problem. A big problem. He was afraid to even look back, for fear that she would be standing right there and if she was, there was nothing that he could say that would make this any better. No matter how much love making they had done yesterday and no matter how many ‘I love you’s’ had been uttered between them, this was it for them if Cordelia was standing right behind him and now at this point he was positive that she was. Positive because he could feel his skin tingling at her closeness, he could feel every single animal instinct in his body call out to her. Want to possess her. His prize, his woman, was standing right behind him of that he was sure of and he had lost her. Because of his lie.
Buffy finally looked up from Angel’s eyes and her own widened in surprised. “Cordelia.” She said, as she looked her up and down. “I see LA has treated you well. You look beautiful.” She said, as she got up to go and say hi.
Angel on the other hand was stoic and unmoving. He didn’t move an inch, his suspicions had just been confirmed and no less by Cordelia’s worst nightmare. He didn’t look back. He just needed a couple of seconds to compose himself. To see what the fuck he was going to tell her that would make all of this better.
“Thank you.” She said, shortly as she accepted the fake embrace that Buffy handed her. “You look good too.” She said. “Angel.” Cordelia finally turned to look at his back of course. “You didn’t tell me you would be here. What a coincidence.” She said, calmly, doing her utmost best to hide her hurt and her hatred towards the vampire. Because at this point she hated him and she never wanted to see him again, but she would for Connor but that was it. As of this instant they were through. She hated him as much as she loved him.
Angel finally got up and looked her in her eyes and if she had a heart left after all this she would have cried for him. His eyes were begging for her to give him a chance to explain to tell her why it was that he had lied but looking into hers he knew that it was all futile. They were through, there was nothing left in her but a dead heart, he realized as he saw his own reflection reflected in her eyes. “Cordy.” He began.
She stopped him as she flashed him her big fake smile, the one that she used when she used to be out for auditions. “Don’t worry about it, I know that you have a lot of catching up to do so I’ll just be going along.” She said as she stepped back and smiled, “It was great seeing you Buffy.”
“You too.” Buffy said, sarcastically.
Angel by now was in a full blown panic. He finally stalked to where she was and said, “Come on let me explain.” Really not caring who heard them. “Please I need you to listen to me.” When he got no reaction from her, he tried again, “Cordy …” he begged.
“No. I will not listen to anymore of your lies so let me tell you this Angel and let me tell you this once, you have made your choice from what I have seen here and it seems that like I had foresaw you chose her, the one and only love of your life, go ahead be happy but you know what, stay the fuck away from me.”
Buffy came up to them and smiled, “Is something wrong?”
Fred was the one that said, “I’m sorry we haven’t been introduced. My name is Fred and I’m part of the Angel Investigations crew and I really don’t know what happened but you just started a spar between these two love birds.” She said, narrowing her eyes at her.
Angel closed his eyes and groaned out loud, could this get any better? He thought to himself and then instantly regretting his groan cause Cordelia totally mis-interpreted it for something that was not there. Dammit! He was in the shit hole. Now Cordelia was going to think that he groaned because Fred made mention of them being love birds.
“Oh I wouldn’t worry about it Fred.” Cordy said. “I know where my place is.” She said, as she stared at Angel with fire in her eyes. “I’m done.” She said, as her back turned to him and tried to make her way to the door but was instantly stopped by Angel’s hand going around her wrist. “Cordy don’t do this. I can explain.” He said, fear creeping up in his soul. The type of fear that eats at you until there is nothing left but the outer shell and the existence that you don’t want to have. If Cordy left him, he would be worse off than if he was in hell. He couldn’t lose her. “I can’t lose you.” He whispered to her, begging her to hear him. “I’d be nothing.”
“You already lost me.” She said, as she looked at Fred and Buffy one last time before heading out. Angel couldn’t move, he was frozen solid, did he just hear what she said. He had already lost everything.
“No!” he growled out, as he headed out the door to go after her, not even saying goodbye to Buffy or Fred. Not caring about anything but Cordy and her love.
Chapter 4
Cordy had tears running down her cheeks as she tried to hail a cab. This was it. Her life was over. She had lost Angel to Buffy. But why was she surprised? She always knew that if someone would be able to take Angel away from her it would be Buffy, but why did it have to hurt so much? Why did it have to feel like someone had gone into her body and ripped her heart out? She had nothing left. No one else to love, she was destined to live her life alone. She knew she would love no one but Angel.
Angel ran out the restaurant and saw her at the corner and instantly sighed in relief. He hadn’t realized how human his actions had become because of Cordy. He didn’t have to breathe, why sigh then? But he still did it. He didn’t want to talk at the hotel, there would be too many people surrounding them and he had to convince her that he didn’t mean to lie to her that it just happened. It had been for her own good.
“Cordy?” he called out as she saw a cab and lifted her arm to hail it. “You gotta listen to me.” he said. “Please. Don’t leave like this.”
The cab driver stopped and she opened the door doing her best to ignore Angel. “Please don’t get in Cordy.” He begged.
Cordy looked into his eyes and screamed, all the hurt evident in her voice, “Get the hell away from me Angel. Go back inside to Buffy. That is where you want to be. It always has been. I’m letting you go. I’m giving you your freedom, take it!”
Angel hung his head she wanted him gone. Well he wouldn’t have it. He picked her up and slammed the cab door as he looked menacingly at the driver. “She won’t be needing a cab after all.” He said, in a tone that meant business.
“Why did you do that for?” Cordy said, as she put some distance in between them. “You want me to see you and Buffy make goo-goo eyes at each other, huh? Is that it?” she said, as tears threatened to fall from her eyes. “Well one thing is for me to know that I don’t measure up, and another thing having it flaunted in my face.”
“No. Cordy. No. You got it all wrong.” He said, lifting his hands in frustration. “I didn’t tell you cause I knew that you would get like this, like yesterday. And I didn’t want you to go through that again because I love you.” He said, and automatically knew that it was the wrong thing to say. It wasn’t the right time, but dammit when was it going to be? Never. He told himself. Now was never going to be a good time. No, he told himself, he wouldn’t accept it.
“You love me? You love me? You fucking bastard.” She screamed at him, not caring at the people that were passing by and staring at them. She pushed him back as he tried to approach her, “You are such a liar.” She finalized, finally letting the tears flow down her cheeks.
“I do Cordy.” He insisted, as he found himself getting choked up at her pain. He found that he felt it, deep inside his soul and it hurt him. It made him ache. “I do.” He repeated, like if repeating it to her a thousand times was going to make her feel better, was going to make her believe it. Was going to give him another chance to make it right.
“Why Angel?” she said, above a whisper, ignoring all his comments. “Why can’t you love me like you love her?” she said, as she fell to the ground sobbing. Her knees felt weak. She had no strength left. This was entirely too much pain for her, she would gladly change this pain for the ones she used to get with the visions. Even those were better than this torture.
That was it. Angel couldn’t take it anymore and a fresh onslaught of tears came to his eyes and several came down his cheeks. He knelt down in front of her and caught her face in his hands and uttered reverently, “But I do love you Cordy. More than I have ever loved anyone.” He said, as he bent down slightly and kissed her on the lips. “Only you Cordy.” He said, again, and attacked her mouth. Trying to send her all his love with that one kiss.
She let him kiss her for a couple of seconds, his cool lips against hers was wonderful but as soon as his tongue lined her outer lip she pulled back and got up and wiped her mouth, the reality of their situation sinking in. “Never kiss me again. You disgust me!” she said, as he wiped her mouth once more for emphasis.
“Cordy.” Angel said, hurt evident in his voice. He never thought that he could be this hurt by simple words. But telling him that she was disgusted by his kisses was not something that he had expected. “I can’t believe you.” He said, trying to get her to retract. “You’re just upset.”
“Well believe it.” She said, as tears still streamed down her cheeks. “And don’t worry about me, I’ll find a way home and I will pack my things …”
As soon as he heard the word packing he got up and grabbed her by the arms. “You’re not moving out Cordy. And that’s final. I don’t care how disgusted you are by me right now. You are not moving out. Connor needs you.” Angel finished. If he had to draw the Connor card out he would, but she was not leaving him. She would stay at the hotel. They might be over but she sure as hell was not living by herself and he had to at least see her and love her from afar. But one thing he was sure not going to allow, was her leaving completely from his life. It would be hell.
“Don’t you bring my son into this. That’s low Angel. Low even for you.” She said, “Besides Buffy will be in your life now so you don’t need a partner anymore. You’ll have the love of your life instead, right? Why settle?”
“Cordy …” Angel said, but was interrupted by a familiar voice that at the moment was not welcome.
“What’s going on here?” Buffy demanded. She had had enough of this nonsense. Cordy and Angel could not be in love. Not in this lifetime or any other for that matter.
So not the right time to show up, Angel thought. “Can you please give us a second Buffy?” Angel asked, as his gaze went to her, pleading with his gaze to leave them alone.
“No.” she automatically said, “I want to know what is going on here.” She would not believe that Cordy and Angel were together and in love, that was not acceptable. Out of all the people in the world, why would he fall in love with Cordy? No, this was not real. This could not be happening.
“I’m not asking.” Angel almost growled. “I’m telling you that I need some time alone with Cordy.” He finalized, and turned to her again intent on ignoring Buffy and concentrating on Cordelia.
“Angel what is this? It seems to me that she is more important to you than me?” she said, “And that just cannot be true. We have been through so much. Angel listen to me!”
Angel turned to her and for the first time really saw her. He had loved her so much and he had at one point in his life risked his soul for her but today, right now, he had nothing but contempt for her. “She is more important Buffy.” He said, as he pointed to where Cordelia was. “Now please leave us alone.”
“How could this be?” she continued, like if Angel had not asked her to leave. “You are supposed to love me.”
“Oh for the love of God!” Angel screamed and turned to her. “What do you want from me?” he said, frustration evident in his voice. “I haven’t seen you in six years, six years Buffy.” He said, and instantly regretted it. The look on Buffy’s face was one of pure torture and hurt and he sighed out loud. “I’m sorry Buffy.” He instantly said, “I didn’t mean to scream.”
Cordelia closed her eyes as she saw the scene unfold between Buffy and Angel and with a heavy heart managed to get a cab and get in it. She slammed the door bringing Angel back around and see her depart. He had heard a car stop but had just assumed that it was one stopped in a red light. He had lost her. He only hoped that she would go home. He then turned to Fred and said, “Where do you think she’s going?”
Fred looked at him and gave him her back, “If she’s smart, as far away from you as she can.” She retorted. Poor Cordelia. Hadn’t she been through enough?
“Fred.” How could she say that? Sweet Fred. Did everyone hate him now? How did this get so complicated? “I’ll take you home.” He called out.
“Don’t bother.” Fred said, “I’ll hail a cab. Just like Cordy.”
“Yeah Angel.” Buffy said. “We have a lot to talk about.” She finished. “I need some clarification.”
“Fred stay.” He said. He wanted her to be there because she would go and tell Cordy exactly what he needed to tell Buffy and then maybe he’d have a chance for forgiveness.
“Fine.” She said, as she stood apart from them waiting until Angel was done.
“Listen Buffy. I know that this is hard for you and I’m sorry. But you and I were over, we’ve been over, I love Cordy now. I have for a long time.”
“You can’t mean that.” She said, as she tried to reach for him unsuccessfully. He moved out of the way, her touched burned him like sunlight. He needed Cordy!
“No. I do mean it.” He said. “I have loved her forever. She is the one I want to be with and now I don’t even know if I can fix this.” He said, as his hands went to his hair in frustration.
“Thanks to me.” She said, not really knowing if she was sorry or not. She hated to see him in pain but she wasn’t sorry that she had made Cordelia go away, if only for a little while.
“Don’t worry about it. It was my fault. I should have told her that I was coming to see you but I was afraid of her reaction.” Angel said, growling. “I knew it was wrong to lie to her.” He said. He had felt it in the pit of his stomach.
“You were afraid because you know that Cordelia knows that we deserve to be together.” Buffy tried. Not knowing really if she should even try anymore. She was beginning to think that she would lose Angel to Cordelia, and that thought scared her more than anything.
Angel looked at her with sadness in his eyes. “Buffy you got to let this go. It’s not good. I held on to it for a long time right after Sunnydale but then I started to see the people that surrounded me and I started to see that I had a life outside of us and that I preferred it.” He said, stopping for a second looking at her hurt expression, but deciding to go all the way. He had started something and he meant to finish it. “We would have never worked out. We would have made each other miserable eventually. You are a slayer. I am a vampire. We can’t mix and even if we could, I don’t want to now.” He said, pleading for her to understand his position.
“You loved me Angel.” She said, in between tears.
“Yes I did. But not anymore, I love Cordy. I will always remember us. It is something that will remain in me forever and it was something that made me want to be a better person but listen to me, you need to find your own way, I have. And I’m happy.” I hope I can be again, he thought to himself remembering Cordelia’s hatred towards him.
“With Cordelia?” she said, still unable to believe it.
“With Cordelia.” He confirmed.
He knew that he had already spent too much time here with her and if Cordy was going to leave anywhere she could be half way there by now. Logically that was impossible but in his mind and in his heart it was possible. “I gotta go and find her.” He said. “It was great seeing you but please listen to me, I can’t see you anymore. I need to fix this with Cordy.”
He then walked quickly to Fred. “Lets go Fred.”
Fred turned to him and smiled, “Sorry if I was rude but I didn’t know if you were actually going to stay with her or go look for Cordy.” She explained as she walked with him to the car quickly.
Once they were inside it, she asked, “Why did you lie? You know that is what got you in trouble right? If maybe you would have told her the truth, she would have been mad but accepted the fact that you loved her and pouted at your meeting with Buffy but you’d still be together or at least you would have the chance to get back together.”
Angel hit the steering wheel and growled, “I don’t know why I didn’t tell her but I lost her didn’t I?” he asked, his eyes filling with tears. “I really messed up.”
“I honestly don’t know Angel.” Fred said, as she turned to look at him, her heart breaking for him. “But I’ll try to help.”
Chapter 5
Buffy walked into the hotel lobby in a dazed state of mind. How she got there, she didn't know. All she could remember was that she had gotten into a cab as soon as she couldn't see Angel's back retreat from her anymore. How did they end up at this point? Why had he moved on and not her? Why did he fall in love with the one person who she would never have imagined could replace her? Why would he do that to her, to them, to their love? Why Cordelia? She just didn't understand it and she would not accept it. It was a cruel joke from the powers that be - that had to be it - there was no other explanation. They just wanted them to suffer a little bit more and then down the line they would be together. Once Angel reached his Shanshu, they would be together and happy. She had to believe that, she had to, if not she would crumble right then and there.
Xander, Giles and Willow were talking in the lobby area, waiting for her, and wondering how her night would end up. Would she come back at all? Would she decide that maybe her place was here with Angel? All eyes were on her as she came towards them. Something was seriously wrong with her, they all conceded. She looked dazed and astounded. "So how did it go?" they all asked at the same time. "You look like crap." Zander pointed out. "Are you in love again?" he asked, with a little disgust. "And still know that you two love birds can't be together?" he asked, sarcastically. "Come on Buffy how many times are you going to do this to yourself?"
"Angel is in love with Cordelia." She said, as she plopped down on the couch. There was no denying it, he was in love with her and as soon as that realization hit her, her eyes began to fill with tears. Once he reached his Shanshu, he would decide to stay with Cordelia. Who was she kidding? She couldn't be the eternal optimistic all her life? She had waited, she had risked and now it seemed that she had lost. What was she going to do now?
"WHAT!" was the one word they all muttered in astonishment, "That cannot be!" Xander said, as she turned to her. Okay granted he hadn't loved Cordelia, but he had liked her a lot in high school and she knew that in some way she had loved him, a lot. "Does she love him?" he asked. For some reason he had to know. It was gnawing at him. Angel and him never did like each other very much and if he had managed to come into Cordelia's life and make her forget him, as selfish as that seemed, he would not like it. Angel could not take Cordelia's love away from him. She had decided to leave because of him and his betrayal. She had been hurt by it, she had loved him and now she loved Angel? None of this made sense. So what if it had been six years? His macho side refused to believe this.
"From what I saw, he loves her." Buffy said, as she covered her eyes with her hands. "A lot." She said, as she let the tears stream down her face. "They both do."
"No." Xander said, "Isn't dead boy supposed to love you forever? He can't love Cordelia." He said. Why was he having so much trouble grasping this concept? God! It wasn't like he came here to see her specifically. No he came here to support Buffy. No one else! But Angel and Cordelia, no that couldn't be. He wanted to see her. He had to see her, at least to say hi and to ask her why? He really had had no intention of seeking her out but now he had to. It was a matter of principle.
"Well believe it." She said, as she got up and started pacing the lobby area. "I don't like it either but it's true. You should have seen him when she walked into the restaurant. He wanted to just die. His first instinct was to go and comfort her - which he did by the way - but she wouldn't have it. She is such a liar. She tried to play it off that it was just a coincidence that she showed up but we all know her better than that. She showed up on purpose. But of course that wasn't what Angel believed." Buffy finished, as she continued pacing the floor. "She is manipulating him, I just know it. He is not in love with her, he just thinks he is because she tells him." She finalized, but a little voice inside of her was telling her that she was just fooling herself.
"Buffy." Giles said, trying not to sound to pessimistic. "Maybe he does -" he said, but was interrupted by Buffy's glare and her risen hand. "Don't even say it." Buffy said. "I refuse to believe this. I can't believe this." She said. "I just can't deal with it right now."
"Okay well lets just try and get some rest right now. Okay?" Willow said. "And we'll figure this thing out tomorrow."
"This isn't over. Not by a long shot." Buffy said, as she turned to all of them. "I will get to the bottom of this and if I find out that Cordelia has been messing with Angel's head, I will not let her do that." She said, "I will put an end to it."
She then got up and looked at them in the eyes, "I will talk to you guys tomorrow." She spun around and started walking towards the elevators. She had to have some alone time to sort all this out.
++++++
Cordelia wiped her tears as she brought some blouses from the closet to the bed and looked at them like foreign objects. It felt like she was moving in slow motion, like nothing made sense. She couldn't believe that after so many years she was moving out of what she had thought to be the room that she would spend the rest of her life in. Even as an old woman, she still saw herself there, with Angel and with Connor. And Angel still loving her, how did she manage to delude herself? She was out of the realm of reality. There was no happy ending for her and Angel. But it seemed that there would be a happy ending for Buffy and Angel. But then again hadn't that shit been written in the stars?
There was a soft knock on the door and a small voice saying, "Cordy?" It was Fred. She felt bad when she got in the taxi and sped out and left her there but the truth was that she hadn't realized that, that had happened until she wanted someone to comfort her and turned to see Fred and was amazed that she wasn't there sitting next to her. She had been that out of it.
"Come in." she said, and kept on taking clothes out of the closet and putting them in the bed. "What's up?" she asked, without looking at her. She didn't want Fred to see her eyes. She had been crying for hours and she knew that her eyes were red and swollen, and she really didn't want to be comforted by anyone. She didn't want anyone's pity. She would go on with her life and she would find a way to survive. Without Angel.
"Nothing much." She said, "Packing." As she continued with the task, "Sorry about not waiting for you." She said, "I was in a bit of a hurry to get out of that place."
Fred nodded her head and simply dismissed it. She had nothing to forgive. "Why are you packing?" she said, as she stopped Cordelia in mid-stride. "Cordy sit down." When Cordy just stepped aside and kept on her task, Fred sighed and sat down, "I stayed with Angel until he came home. He's downstairs waiting to talk to you." Fred said, "And I think that you should." She said.
"I don't want to talk to him." Cordy said, defensively. "Please do me a favor and make him stay downstairs. I will be done packing soon and what I do not get tonight I will get tomorrow morning while he's sleeping." She said, and continued, "Fred there is nothing else to talk about, he made his choice even before he got to the restaurant and we all know that he was there because his choice was not me." She choked out. "Now I have to live with that."
"Cordy, listen to me me." Fred said. "First of all listen to yourself, how can you get the rest of your things while he is sleeping, you are bound to make noise and wake him up and he won't let you leave until you guys talk tomorrow morning so just talk to him now." Fred said, getting a bit frustrated at Cordelia's stubbornness. "Besides he loves you and he had chosen you, he just had to tell Buffy in person. He owed her that much."
"I said, I don't want to talk about it." She said. "End of subject."
Angel was on the outside of their bedroom door and he was hearing all that they were saying and with each word, his heart seemed to break a piece at a time. Had he really done this to himself? Was he really at fault for it all? Couldnt Cordy' be at fault somewhat for really not believing that he loved her? Fred was trying to reason with her and she didn't even want to listen. What was wrong with her? He would give her space if that was what she needed but he would be damned if he let her move out of the bedroom. Maybe for one night, this night but tomorrow she would be sleeping with him again, he vowed. He had gotten used to her warmth and found that he couldn't sleep if she wasn't there with him. It had gotten to the point that she slept in the daytime with him most of the time and waited up for him at night so she could take care of his wounds. It was a good routine. It worked out for them. Even Connor got to play with them at night and if they both slept for a couple of hours during the day, Fred, Gunn or Wesley would take care of Connor. That was what family was for. He wanted it all back. He needed it all back but most of all he needed Cordelia in their room. He needed to make love to her every night. One night of not being inside her would drive him crazy. Just thinking about not having her for two nights after so many years made him growl within his chest. He needed to tame the demon that was trying to emerge. He would resolve this, one way or another but she was not going to do this to him. That he had decided already.
Fred had continued her conversation bringing Angel back into the present, "Cordy I heard him say goodbye to Buffy out there. He told her that all they had was gone that they needed to both move on and he had with you. She was the one that seemed not to want to listen to reason. You got to believe me Cordy, I really know that Angel loves you." Fred said, as she finally saw Cordy sit on the bed and put her face in her hands and start crying.
Angel scrunched his face in pain outside of the room. He could feel and hear Cordelia crying, he could feel her suffering, but why didn't she understand that it was all uncalled for, not something that needed to be experienced. God dammit! He loved her and only her, but she didn't trust it. She would never trust it. If he weren't dead, she would be killing him with all this pain.
"I love him so much." She whispered but both Fred and Angel heard him. Upon hearing that Angel got to his feet and was going to go in the door but stopped as she continued, "I just can't trust him. Don't you understand Fred? He says he loves me and you know what I don't doubt it, I know he cares but he cannot and will not love me as he loved her and that is what hurts. Maybe its me being selfish, maybe its me being a bitch or maybe its me being both but I will tell you something, something that I have not even told Angel. I truly believe that I come second or even third in his life. Conner first, Buffy second and then me and the crew, don't you see Fred? I want to be first. Or at least I want to be in par with Buffy. But I'll never have that. I'll never get that because our destiny was not written in the stars and our destiny was not one to be fulfilled. The slayer and vampire were the ones that were to cause all this turmoil, love and grief at the same time. I'm nothing." She said. "To no one Fred." She finished. "I know he loves me, he just doesn't love me enough."
Fred knew that it would be futile to talk to her right now so she just put her arms around her shoulders and hugged her. "How about we talk later, huh?" Fred said, "Cause right now you won't listen to reason and honestly honey I don't even know if I can take this anymore. Kyerumption. That's all I have to say, you are fighting it, cause you don't believe it." Fred said, as she wiped Cordelia's tears and whispered, "I know I'm right when I tell you that he loves you more."
"Yeah." She said, as she got up and kept on cleaning out their closet. "You believe that for the both of us." She smiled, a sad smiled, and seconds later exclaimed, "Well at least Angel will have more closet space." She said, as she laughed, half-heartedly, trying to make a joke out of a desperate situation.
Angel got up from the floor and groaned out loud. "Cordy." He whispered, as he laid his forehead against the cold hall wall. "What am I going to do with you?"
+++++++
Gunn and Wesley were in the living room waiting for him to come down the stairs expectantly. "Okay you have got to tell us what is going on." Gunn said. "Cordy comes in crying, not wanting to talk, sobbing actually and without Fred." Gunn started but was interrupted by Wesley.
"If that wasn't enough." Wesley continued, "Then you and Fred come in, both with faces like you have seen the devil himself, don't even say a word to us and go upstairs. So I ask this," the ex-watcher said, "What is going on?"
"Cordy and I broke up." Angel said, as he sat down and looked straight ahead, at nothing in particular. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream. He wanted to kill. He wanted to just have his Cordy back. That was all he wanted. He couldnt live 'without her, well metaphorically speaking. She was his in every other aspect that Conner wasn't. She didn't come third, like she had said, she came in first, right next to Conner. Conner filled his paternal need, the need to procreate and know that even as a vampire the powers had given him the gift of a son but Cordy, she was his lifeline, everything that he ever needed to feel whole as a man. "I lost her." He whispered more to himself than to them. "And I don't know how to get her back."
"How?" they both said in unison and were relieved as they saw Fred came down the stairs. They knew that Angel didn't want to talk to anyone, he just wanted to brood and he couldn't do it, if they asked all these questions.
"He went to dinner with the slayer and Cordy and I came in right behind them." Fred offered knowing exactly what there conversation was.
"Oh shit." Gunn said. "You're in trouble."
"Buffy is here already?" he said. "Cordy's vision?" Wesley said.
"Yeah." Fred answered. Again, Angel eluded and refused to answer any questions. He just wanted to be upstairs with Cordy trying to knock some sense into her.
"Is she here to fight some demon?" Wesley asked, wanting to know if somehow Cordelia's vision was going to be related to saving people or if it has just been a vision that the powers gave her of self suffering.
"She just said that Buffy wanted Angel back." Fred offered, and furrowed her brow as they all heard the doorbell. "I'll get it." She said, as she made her way to the door and opened it. There in front of her was a guy that she had never met but he looked at her quizzically and a tad bit sarcastically. "Can we help you?" Fred said, as she motioned for him to come in. "Angel Investigations is here to help in whatever way we can." She said, as she tried her best to smile at this individual who for some reason she didn't seem to like.
Xander looked at her and smiled slightly. "I'm looking for Cordelia." He said, "Can you tell her than Xander is here to see her."
Angel recognized the voice immediately and growled out loud. He couldn't help it. There was no way that Xander was going to see Cordelia. No way! "She's not available." Angel said, coldly, as he got up from the couch. "Why would you want to see her anyway?" Angel retorted. "I'm sure that she would not want to see you. So you can leave."
"Well if it isn't dead boy?" Xander said. "I don't care what you think, you're not her keeper and if she wants to see me I think she should." Xander said. "I don't think that she will not want to say hi to an old friend." He finished, as his brow shot up. I had her first, was what that macho attitude was telling Angel and he didn't like it, not one bit. Because Cordy was his now and no matter who was before him, she was his now and she had the bite to prove it. He sighed in exasperation, what good would that do to humans? Nothing, well he didn't care. He just wanted to get him out of here before Cordy knew he was here. Because if she did see him Angel was afraid that he would want to kill him, not that he didn't right now.
"Who is this guy?" Gunn said, standing right alongside Angel, bringing Angel out of his reverie. "And what does he want with Cordelia?"
"Xander." Wesley said. "Cordelia's ex-boyfriend, from Sunnydale." He said, snidely. "By the way how have you been?" he said, as he got up as well and made his way to the duo that was blocking his entrance.
Xander nodded his head. "How ëbout you?" he retorted, never leaving his gaze from Angel's unwavering one. "I don't care how many of you are in front of me, remember dead boy I don't need to be invited in, I can come in wherever I please."
"Ah. That one. Hmph." Gunn said. "I don't like him."
Xander looked at Gunn and rolled his eyes, "I don't know who you are nor do I care. I just want to see Cordelia." He demanded. "Can someone please tell her I'm here?"
"Again, I ask you Angel," Gunn said. "Who the fuck is this guy but more importantly who does he think he is?" he finished, getting ready to beat the crap out of this guy. He was really starting to get on his nerves.
"At one point I would have called him a friend at another the love of my life." Cordy answered before Angel got a word in edge wise. "How are you Xander?" she said, as she smiled and stood before him, making her way around the wall that was Gunn, Wesley and Angel.
Her eyes were a bit red but other than that, these six years had done her justice, Xander thought. She was more beautiful than ever and there was maturity about her demeanor that he picked up as soon as he laid eyes on her. "Wow." He said, as he awkwardly hugged her and she let him. "You look absolutely stunning Cordy." He said, honestly, fighting a rush of desire.
Angel immediately took a step forward but was stopped by Wesley and Fred, one at each arm. He growled instead, loudly. He shouldn't be touching her. He shouldn't be hugging her but most of all who the hell was he to call her Cordy? That name was mostly reserved for him and her friends. He was the one that used it all the time and for him to tell her that she looked stunning. He was not going to see her with lust filled eyes in front of him. She was his! Cordy was branded by him and nobody else would ever have her, not in this lifetime or any others.
He looked at her again as he straightened. "All these years have done you justice." He said. "I wanted to say hi. I heard what happened tonight and wanted to see if you were okay too?" he asked, concern in his voice.
Angel started to fight against Gunn and Wesley and while Gunn was ready to set him free because he didn't like the guy, he really didn't want to face an angry Cordelia. And she would be angry if Angel killed this Xander guy. What the hell was he doing acting so concerned? Angel thought to himself. It was all a fraud. He wanted her back. He could smell his arousal for her and it sickened him to his stomach. "Let go of me." He said, as he started to vamp out. "I want to go over there."
"No." Wesley said. "You know she loves you Angel. He just came by to say hi." Wesley pointed out, sure now that Xander was just trying to push Angel's buttons. "Don't let him get to you." He said.
Cordelia smiled and motioned him to the sofa, so he could sit. "Want something to drink?" she asked. At his denial she sat next to him, which invoked another growl from Angel, which Cordelia deliberately ignored. "Well it went, as I'm sure Buffy told you, not so good. But that's okay. I know why you're here Xander. You want to know what's going on so you can go and tell Buffy." She said. "Well the coast is clear for her."
That was it. Angel was not going to stay quiet anymore. He went next to them and put his arm over Cordelia's shoulder possessively and a little bit harshly. "You can tell her that whatever I said outside that restaurant goes. She needs to move on. I'm happy with Cordy." He said. "And I have every intention of staying exactly where I am."
"But is Cordy happy with you?" Xander asked, as he looked at Cordelia. "Are you happy?" he asked her as he looked intently at her eyes.
"I was." She said, honestly. "But you know how love and the stars shit goes." She said, with a dismissive hand. "What can I say? Who knows what will happen." As Angel's grip on her shoulder tightened, she fought the urge to grimace. "So how are you and Anya?" she said, changing the subject knowing that Xander would not be safe if she kept up her side of the conversation.
"Were good." He said. "By the way .." he started, suddenly looking towards the floor and his facial features changing different colors.
"Don't worry about it Xander. Shit happens." Cordelia said. "I've learned a lot these past few years. I even help Angel out on occasion, so I'm not that bad a fighter." She said, as she got up from the couch and laughed. Angel's hand would not waver from her shoulder and right now she didn't want to feel his touch. "I know that you and Anya should be together, we were not meant to be, I know that now. Fighting for the cause has changed me a lot. So go and tell Buffy that its open season." She said, in a way of dismissal. "I'm sure that she would want to come and fight for what is hers."
"NO!" Angel growled. "Tell her that I love Cordelia and whatever mess we are in because of her visit we will fix. But that I have moved on and so should she." He said. "Xander its time for you to go." He said, as he growled and made his way to him.
"Do you love her?" Xander said, as he turned to look at Cordelia. He knew that she loved him. The way that she looked at him and the way that her face registered pain as she told him to tell Buffy that it was open season. He was just a memory, if anything at all.
"With everything in me." Angel said, honestly. "There is not room for anyone else."
"Even Angelus?" Xander said. He knew that it was a low blow but he had to get that one out. After all he and Angel had to always have one up on each other, it was his turn this time around.
Cordelia cringed at that comment and if it would've been made at any other time she would have jumped him or anyone else that came along. "Okay buddy I think its time for you to go." Gunn said, "And don't come back." He said. "You have overstayed your welcome."
"YES." Angel said, calmer than anyone expected. "I know now that Angelus is a part of me and I have accepted it and embraced him when I need to, Cordy has taught me how to do that. Since Angelus is not a threat anymore I don't worry about it, but to answer your question, yes, even Angelus is in love with Cordy. There is no doubt in my mind about that because all of me is in love with her and only her. "
"Then I wish her luck." He said, as he exited without even turning around.
"I didn't like him." Gunn said, as soon as he headed out the door. "He was a punk. Can I kick his ass?" Gunn said, suddenly excited. He was sure that Angel would say yes.
"Be my guest." Angel said. "But if he fucks with Cordelia one more time I'm going to kill him, not only beat his ass."
"You will do no such thing." Cordelia said, because she knew that he was serious about it. "He just came to get even with you and you let him." She said, "It was your fault." She acknowledged. "You let him goad you."
"My fault? My fault!" Angel screamed. "You were the one that was hugging him and offering him something to drink. He wanted you Cordy. I could smell it. I could hear his heart beat faster as his eyes raked over your body." He said. "You will not see him again you hear me?" he said, menacingly. "I will not allow it."
"What is it to you?" she shouted. "You neglected to tell me about your date with Buffy so I can give you the same courtesy." She said, as she turned her back to him. "If and when I decide to see Zander, I don't have to get permission from you."
Angel growled out loud and in two steps was within reaching distance and he turned her to him. "You do that and I will kill him without thinking about it twice." He said. "Don't push me. You know I mean it and I won't even be sorry about it." He said, not able to control his emotions and his vamp face coming out of its own accord. Dammit! She was the only one that could do that to him.
Cordelia ignored his face, she was used to his jealousy stints, and often enjoyed them, but now she knew that they were just possessiveness and the need to hurt back was so immense, "Then I guess I should just go and try to kill Buffy and maybe I'd get lucky and she'd kick my ass to the next level of my existence cause trust me right now the farther away from you I am the better." She finished, her voice cracking at the end.
Angel flinched back at her words and she immediately regretted them. "Angel." She said, as she saw Gunn, Fred and Wesley retreat up the stairs, leaving them so they could have some privacy. She tried to reach for him but he moved out of the way. "I didn't mean-"
"I know what you meant Cordy." He said. "But before you think of doing anything stupid just remember we have a son." He said, as he grabbed his leather duster and started going towards the door. "I know your not sleeping in our room but please don't sleep on the couch or anywhere uncomfortable. Use your old room at least."
"Please Angel don't leave." Cordelia whispered. She knew that she would hear him and he did, because he stopped. "I don't want to fight with you Cordy."
"Me either." She said, "It just still hurts too much. Seeing you there with her-."she said, but stopped as she saw him take his duster off and stride towards her. "Do you have any idea how the thought of you loving her makes me feel?" she asked. "It scares me to death that I have so willingly given you my life and my love but in one second, because of one person it could all go away. I have let you brand me." She said, as she tilted her neck and showed him the bite marks that he already knew by heart and that he re-opened every night. "I don't want anyone else Angel." She said. "But you-."
"I don't either." He said, as he pulled her to him and breathed her in. She was tense in his arms but it had been hours, felt like days, that she had not been in his arms and he wanted to feel her body heat next to his cold one. He needed her. "I love you." He said. "Only you."
Cordelia suddenly started sobbing and she tried to take huge gulps of air. He let her cry as he whispered words of encouragement in her ear. "Cry baby." He whispered in her ear. "It's okay, I'm here. I'm so sorry that I hurt you." He exclaimed, as he kissed the top of her head. "I know that I shouldn't of lied to you but I was trying to spare you this. Don't you see whenever it comes to her, you panic and I didn't understand it." Angel said, as he cupped her face in his hands. "But if what you feel is a tenth of what I felt when I saw Zander hug you then I now understand what it is that bothers you about Buffy and me and I swear to you, on all that is my life, that being you and Connor, that I will never lie to you again when it comes to Buffy" he vowed, as he claimed her lips in a searing kiss.
Cordelia let his tongue invade her mouth and his body, bring hers down to the couch cushions. She automatically brought her hands to his hair, knowing full well that Angel loved when she caressed it. "Angel." She found herself moaning, when he started to kiss his way down to her neck to give her room to breathe. "I moved out of the bedroom." She said, in between kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt.
"I'll go wherever it is your at." He said, seriously. "I don't want to sleep without you." He finalized. "Besides I don't think I can."
Cordelia laughed and he smiled a ten-watt smile. He had not heard her laugh it seemed in a long time and he loved it. He found that he was laughing as well. "It's okay, I guess I can move my things back into the closet. They made it as far as the bed." She said, as she finally removed his shirt.
"Then why did you tell me that you moved out?" he asked, as he rubbed his hands over her buttocks bringing her closer to him.
"Psychologically I did." She said, as she winked her eye and smiled.
"Ah. Well get your warped mind back in the bedroom cause that is where were going." He said, as he picked her up and wrapped her legs around his waist.
"But my clothes-." She argued. "Are spread out in the bed."
"Who needs the bed baby?" he questioned, as he claimed her mouth once again.
Continue on...