Title: All I Want For Christmas
Author: Cantinera
Posted: 12-25-2002
Rating: PG-13
Email: nicedream@rocketmail.com
Content: C/A implied, G/F
Summary: Angsty with *character deaths*. It's Christmas time and Angel wants something.
Spoilers: General series spoilers, but not really spoilery. Somewhat AU because there is no Connor or demonization, but takes place after Gunn and Fred are a couple.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Nothing Fancy and anyone else that wants it. Just let me know where.
Notes: Lexis wanted any time period with no preferences except for C/A and G/F. So I decided to do a Christmas story, and this came from my hatred of the song All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth and hearing it 15 times a day in the past month from working in retail. I hope you don't mind angst, Lexis! And thanks to LaLa for organizing this thingamajiggy.
Feedback:
Secret Santa Fic: For Lexis

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They say more people commit suicide around Christmas time. You know, the feeling of alienation becoming so unbearable that poor souls just cannot take it anymore. So they end it. All of it: the loneliness, the isolation from life, the desperation to connect to another living being outside of them, to escape the inner turmoil which haunts them to the core until they give in to the final silence which death brings them.

Well, that’s what they say.

Statistics have never proven this theory. In fact, most statistics point to the contrary, but that doesn’t stop the myth. Maybe people just want to believe others out there are worse off. Or maybe – just maybe – the thought of their loved ones not being around them in the Holiday season makes them feel a twinge of despair that they believe everyone without beloveds at this time of year couldn’t bear to feel that.

Well, Angel never really connected with anyone enough to care about these things before.

But now he knew better. Sure, he used to be Stink Guy. He used to hide in the shadows of humanity, not belonging and hurting. He felt the torment in his soul of all the pain he dealt coming back at him. Still, that was nothing compared to actually being active in the world; to belong to something, to want something, to need something - to have desire for life.

And as he stared at the sterile white walls of a hospital room, he couldn’t help but remember the speech a friend gave to him. And as he shifted his eyes toward the woman lying on a bed, the woman who wished for him to want things from life, he blinked back tears which started to burn his eyes. Somehow she always ended up this way - his perpetual girlfriend in a coma.

Yes, Cordelia, he did want things from life.

“So, Angel, what do you want for Christmas?” Cordelia asked.

“I’m not sure.” Angel said as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Just pick something. You know me.”

“Of course I know you, Angel. But that doesn’t stop you from being the hardest person I know to shop for. I mean, even my mailman is easier to read when it comes to buying presents. So, what do you want?”

“I want…well…” Angel paused again, unsure of what he wanted. “I don’t know, Cordy. But you know, I do, want things.”

“You better, buddy! Or else what kind of Christmas will we have without presents?”

Angel clutched Cordelia’s hand as she lay there, completely oblivious to his presence. He did want things, Cordelia Chase. She knew that better than anyone else, even if she liked to tease him. It was one of her more endearing traits.

He smiled as he looked at the table next to Cordelia’s hospital bed. The red wrapping paper with gold Christmas trees shone brightly from the fluorescent lighting above, creating a clash with the Christmas warmth and the coldness of reality.

He was in a hospital. Next to Cordelia. She was in a coma. Again. What did he want? Things. He was sure of it. Angel’s head began to spin again as he picked up the box. He wondered what she got him for Christmas, but now she was asleep. He would have to unwrap it to find out what she got him. In a hospital. Again.

How did he get here again?

“Angel!” Cordelia shouted. “Hurry up and set up the tree!”

“I don’t know how to, Cordelia.” Angel responded.

“Well, you better learn. You’re eternal, so you should be having plenty more Christmases to celebrate.”

Of course he would. So he had better get the hang of this Christmas thing. Cordelia’s long list of presents, Wesley trying to decorate the lobby to lift everyone’s spirits, Fred and Gunn kissing under the mistletoe.

Wait a minute. That’s not how Christmas will be. Never again.

“Gunn, come here!” Fred called out from under the mistletoe placed next to Cordelia’s desk.

“I’m coming!” He yelled back as a huge grin took over his face.

When he made it back to his girl, he went straight into her open arms as she laid a kiss on his lips. Fred broke the kiss, smiling back at him shyly.

“Merry Christmas, baby.” She said.

“Merry Christmas.” Gunn said as he leaned forward for another kiss before being stopped from shock of a loud noise coming from the lobby.

“What was that?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” Fred said.

“Maybe we should check it out.” Gunn suggested as he walked in front of her, making his way towards the lobby as he guarded her from any possible harm.

“Maybe we should call Angel.” Fred said as her face began to fill with worry.

“Nah,” Gunn assured Fred as he walked towards the lobby, “we’ll be fine.”

“If you think so.” Fred said as she leaned up and gave her man a kiss.

One last kiss.

Christmas just doesn’t feel right without Gunn and Fred, Angel thought to himself before realizing it how odd that sounded. Since when had Christmas mattered to him? Hell, since when had life and friends mattered to him? But it did matter. They mattered. He wanted them back.

There he goes with that wanting again. Since when had he become so selfish? Actually wanting things from a life which he did not think would ever exist. He was content lurking in the shadows watching life pass him by. Christmas never pulled him in. It never caused him despair.

But now he wants his friends back. He wants his family back. He wants a Christmas.

But isn’t Christmas just like any other day? Isn’t it? People don’t fall into despair like people assume. It’s just another day.

Angel couldn’t help but think about Christmas with all of the decorations filling the hospital. The red and green trying so hard to liven up the white look of death. Death surrounded him. So did Christmas.

This holiday filled his head no matter how hard he tried to forget.

Christmas. It’s about love, right? Everyone connects more than any time of the year. It’s about wanting to be with all of those you love. It’s about being human and having a family.

Maybe that’s the problem: Angel isn’t human. He can’t have these things. He can’t have Christmas because it’s not meant for him. He shouldn’t have a family, or love, or friends, or presents. He should just go crawl in the corner and exist forever, never truly being a part of life.

But Angel looked down at the girl in front of him. Sleeping. Or at least it looks like sleep to him. She looks so beautiful. So rested. So peaceful.

Peace. Is that what Christmas is about? Peace on earth, good will towards men. Angel smiled at the thought of that. Yeah, he wished for that. Maybe then Wesley would still be alive.

“Gunn? Fred?” Wesley called out as he rushed into the lobby. “I thought I heard…something.”

Wesley stared straight ahead into two black eyes. Two black eyes accompanied by a menacing grimace baring teeth like razors.

Wesley felt like he was in a trance as he searched the dark figure’s pale skin peeking from various holes in his dark, musty robe leading him to the bony hands pointing to the bodies on the floor with gashes in their necks, completely vacant of souls.

“Dear Lord.” Wesley exclaimed under his breath as he backed away. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Fred and Gunn couldn’t be dead. Not now. Not on Christmas.

“You’re next.” The demon in front him howled as he leapt forward and started to gnaw on Wesley’s throat.

Wesley tried to scream, but he couldn’t. Instead, he felt his vocal chords being torn out of his throat as blood poured out, traveling down his body till it started to cover the floor, creating a bed of deep red for him to fall on. The life drifted out of Wesley’s body, causing him to drop into the blood, staining his green sweater. What a Christmas sight.

Wesley. Such a dear friend. In his own quiet way, sticking by Angel in the way he knew how. Trying so hard to atone for his own perceived failings. He was a good friend. Angel needed a friend right now.

But this friend was dead, and Angel couldn’t do anything about it.

He could hope though. Right? Christmas is the time for miracles. Isn’t it? Miracles just don’t happen to little girls on 34th Street. How about a miracle for a vampire with a soul lost in LA? Angel wanted a miracle. He wanted his friends back. Maybe this miracle could happen.

Angel glanced at Cordelia’s face, looking closely this time. The black and blue which covered her face just didn’t seem right. Those weren’t the colors of this season. They didn’t belong here.

“You don’t belong here.” The demon snarled as he spied Cordelia placing a wreath in Angel’s bedroom.

“Who are you?” Cordy asked, trying not to conceal the fear within.

“I’m Anuclops. I’m here to kill Angel.” He announced.

“Gee, did you take Evil Speech Cliches 101 at the local community college or something?” Cordelia responded.

“Listen. Shut up, or you will die too.”

“Nobody harms Angel.” Cordelia shouted.

“Fine, I will just harm you.” Anuclops said before grabbing Cordelia by the neck, lifting her as his harsh fingers tightened around her throat, cutting off her air supply. Cordelia choked, trying to gasp for air; and just as she started to pass out, Anuclops tossed her across the room, causing her to fly into the wall before sliding down the wall into a mess on the floor.

“Cordelia?” Angel started to say as he came out of the bathroom, freshly showered and dressed in a red sweater with green slacks. “I don’t know what to think of this outfit Fred picked out for me, but I guess it will do. By the way, what was all the commotion out—“

Before Angel could finish his sentence he was interrupted by the horrific scene playing out before his eye; Angel saw a tall demon, pale and bony with black pits for eyes and razors for teeth, licking his lips as he approached Cordelia.

“No!” Angel shouted as he ran towards Cordelia, swooping up her limp body in his arms as he ran for the door.

“They want you to pay.” The demon said, before laughing as Angel ran through the door.

Angel ran as fast as he could down the stairs, shouting for everyone else to come quickly. But as soon as he reached the hotel lobby, he realized nobody could come to help him. They would never help him again.

Angel choked back the tears as he stared at the message in blood next to Gunn and Fred’s corpses.

‘Merry Christmas, Angel.’ it said, ‘Love, Your Pals at Wolfram and Hart.

Angel questioned whether the whole gift giving was overrated as he fingered the ribbon on his gift. The last gift he received he didn’t like. Cordelia would give him a better present though.

At that moment, he heard the whispers in the hallway of nurses and doctors dance in his head. They weren’t expecting his vampire hearing to pick up on their conversation. But then who would expect that.

“She will most likely never recover from that.” The doctor said. “The trauma to her head was severe. Top that off with her medical history, and we are looking at a girl who will never wake up.”

“But doctor, it’s Christmas. We can’t tell him this news now.” The nurse said.

“Of course not, so let’s leave it.”

Angel sighed. Well, this sucks, he thought. So much for a Merry Christmas. Yet Angel still felt compelled to open the gift Cordelia picked out for him. The curiosity got to him, like a child wanting to know what Santa got him for Christmas.

He slowly undid the wrapping, carefully not ripping the paper. He finally came to a box, which he opened to peak inside. He pulled out a beautiful silver frame, shining brightly. Inside Cordelia placed a picture for him. A picture of everyone, smiling in the office – alive. Angel looked at the picture of him with Cordelia, Wes, Gunn and Fred. His friends. His family.

They no longer existed for him.

Tears once again filled Angel’s eyes. This was not a silent night for him. Nothing was calm; nothing was bright.

Santa can you hear him? He wants something for Christmas. He’s tried so hard to be a good boy. He’s reformed his naughty ways. But that doesn’t seem to matter. What he wants most is gone.

He didn’t need Christmas ghosts to tell him how he has changed. Instead, he let the tears fall as a determination took over him.

All he wanted for Christmas was his family. His friends. But that didn’t seem likely.

Angel looked up, wiping his tears away.

Now all he wanted was revenge.

He had connected to life, and he had finally wanted something. They tried to take away what connected him to this world, what kept him from not giving into the Christmas myth of ending it all. But he was a selfish boy who had a bigger wish list now. He wanted those who took all he loved away to pay.

And nobody would take this present from him.

Nobody.

End.