Title: All For Your Love
Author: Aysheh
Posted: 11-25-2002
Rating: PG15
Email: Ayshehm@hotmail.com
Content: Violent and definitely not fluffy. C/A.
Summary: Jealousy is never a good thing.
Spoilers: AU post - "Tomorrow". Character death (not Wesley).
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: If you want please take but let me know where it’s going.
Notes: Please understand that when I wrote this I was highly pissed off at my extremely irritating and bitchy boss and as murder is illegal I vented my anger on paper.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Cordelia looked up and jumped to her feet in a mixture of horror and terror.
The figure stumbled forward, guiding his way with his stumped, and waxed wrists. His eyes were hollow and blood dripped down his cheeks. His face was a paint box of bruises, and blood gushed from his nose and lip. As he staggered towards her she saw the holes in his gums where his teeth had once been. Someone had really pulverised this guy, and she felt somewhat helpless as she had no idea how to help him. It seemed dumb to greet him with a cheerful grin he would be unable to see, and say, "Welcome to Angel Investigations. We help the helpless" but somehow she found herself saying it anyway.
The laughter that echoed from his bloodstained lips was ragged and bitter, and made her tremble slightly but his voice, his voice that sounded like he was gargling with water made her recoil with fear,
"Help?! Help?! I didn’t come for help. I came to warn you. Oh Cordelia, you foolish, foolish girl. You really know how to pick your men"
He dropped to his knees howling with that awful laughter.
"Wesley!", she gasped, she didn’t want to say his name; she didn’t want to believe that this disfigured, this mutilated thing was her old friend. No matter how much she had spent the last few years hating him she couldn’t turn her back on him now.
"Who did this to you?", she asked. She didn’t add, "Angel will kill him" because Angel would probably shake his hand.
More laughter, more bitter wracking laughter that was turning into hysteria.
"I-I thought it was Angelus"
Cordelia’s skin began to crawl. She felt a nasty cold slithering sensation run up her spine. She didn’t like where this was going.
"Angelus?", she said slowly, "Angelus did this to you?"
She wasn’t thinking about what she was saying. She didn’t want to think about it. If Angelus was back then Angel was gone but Wesley was shaking his head,
"Not Angelus. Angel"
Cordelia’s brain couldn’t stomach the idea; it was too repulsive, too vile, too unbelievable.
"You’re lying", she said quietly
He stared up at her with his empty sockets. His deformed face blank, and with a cold dead voice said,
"He did it for you", and he slumped forward on the lobby floor.
Angel awoke on cold wooden floorboards. He could smell human blood, fresh and warm human blood that filled his nostrils but there was no human in sight. It was enticing, intoxicating, welcoming. It was all over his hands. He could taste it in his mouth.
He sprang to his feet and something clattered on the ground. He looked down. A knife, a blade, thick with blood. Who’s blood?
He looked around the darkened room, lit dimly by an array of candles. Where was he? Across the room, heading towards the door were footprints. Footprints in blood. What had happened here? He couldn’t remember anything. He didn’t know where he was? How he’d got here? Who he’d killed?
Who he’d killed?! The thought rang painfully round his head. He was Angel not Angelus. He didn’t kill people but the footprints? Whoever had left their blood all over him was living or had been when they’d left this strange and unfamiliar room.
He fought against his clouded mind for a morsel of remembrance but there was none. What had happened here? Who had done this? But most importantly - Why?
"You better steel yourself, Fred", said Cordelia, trying to sound calm and collected as she, Gunn and Fred stood outside the hospital bedroom.
"He can’t be that bad", said Gunn, "I know Angel’s not the best at controlling his temper but I don’t think he’d go totally overboard"
Cordelia looked at Gunn severely,
"It wasn’t Angel"
"You think he’s lying, then?", Fred asked, willing, for once, to give Wesley the benefit of the doubt.
Cordelia didn’t answer her but pushed the door open and entered.
Fred covered her mouth as her eyes fell upon Wesley. If Cordelia hadn’t already told her who he was she wouldn’t have recognised him. He looked like some obscene prisoner of war. Tortured to the brink of death. Angel couldn’t have done this.
Gunn felt his stomach roll. The hospital had done their best to patch him up. His eyes were bandaged which was a good thing too. That might have been too much but his bruises were visible, his broken nose, his lips so swollen he looked like a bloated fish. His wrists, the hands severed leaving only the stumps.
There was more. More that none of them could see. Beneath his hospital gown, knife marks, burns, bite marks. Whether it was Angel or not someone had really gone to work on Wesley.
"I thought he did it because of Connor"
His sudden vocal entrance made them jump. They had presumed he was asleep; heavily sedated.
"I thought he did it because he was still angry at my "betrayal" but he didn’t", he lifted his arms with difficulty to make speech marks, momentarily forgetting he no longer had hands and fingers to do so. He dropped his arms with resignation and dejection.
"Why did he do it?", Fred asked sympathetically. Like Cordelia she was unable to believe Angel had done it and was just asking rather than thinking.
"FOR HER!", he growled loudly and angrily, "I presume she’s here. All for her. All for her love. That’s what he said. He was doing it all for her", he raised himself slightly and pointed wildly and be it chance, be it luck, be it coincidence his right hand stump fixed itself on Cordelia, "Do you like your gift. Cordelia? I hope you do. HE GAVE YOU MY LIFE!"
Exhausted by the effort he sank back on his pillows, his breathing shallow,
"He gave you my life", he whispered, softly, turning his head away from them.
Cordelia couldn’t speak. She was too shocked by Wesley’s outburst. The conviction of his words, the intense hatred, and bitter honesty made her tremble. Could Angel really do such a thing?
"Why?", she asked, as she found her voice, "Why would he...?"
"Because he caught me looking at you. I’m glad I didn’t cross the street and talk to you; he might have cut out my tongue".
Angel walked back to the hotel feeling slightly dizzy. What had happened to him? Things were coming back but not images, only feelings. Intense jealousy. Intense anger. Bitterness, vengeance. A sense of possession. He owned something that someone had taken? Was that it? He wasn’t sure. Who had he taken all this out on and why?
He shook his head with frustration. What was going on? Was he suffering from some abstract form of amnesia?
He had got rid of the blood. It had made him feel very uneasy but he couldn’t get the blood off his shirt so he had buttoned up his coat and headed back. He’d burn it when he got to the Hyperion. Part of him wanted to tell Cordelia but what was he supposed to say? He didn’t even know what to tell himself.
Cordelia’s head was reeling as she reached the entrance of the Hyperion. This couldn’t be true. This couldn’t be true,
"This can’t be true", Cordelia was trying to convince herself more than the others, "Angel wouldn’t do such a thing"
Fred and Gunn exchanged a look,
"You didn’t see what he was going to do to Linwood"
"Neither did you", she shot back.
Gunn looked at her sympathetically,
"I’m sure it wasn’t Angel", he didn’t sound very convincing so he put his arm round her shoulder, and gave her a little squeeze, "We’ll sort this out".
Angel’s eyes narrowed as he rounded the corner and spotted Gunn and Cordelia.
Poor Fred, she was so naive. She didn’t see what he could. She couldn’t see the way Gunn’s eyes were fixed so intently on Cordelia, or the things he was whispering into her ear. His Cordelia. She belonged to him not Gunn and there he was acting as though he owned her.
Angel clenched his fists as intense jealousy he wouldn’t remember bubbled up inside him.
It wasn’t her fault. How could it be? He loved her. She loved him. They were one.
Her oblivion touched him and angered him at the same time.
Gunn was taking advantage of her while he wasn’t there to take care of her so he’d do it for her. All for her. All for her love.
"Coffee?", Gunn asked pleasantly, offering Cordelia a steaming cup.
"Thanks", she said with a smile.
Angel’s eyes darkened from his spot in the shadows across the lobby.
He’d touched her hand! Caressed her fingers. His smile was just a veil over the hungry predatory lustful look in his eyes. How dare he even look let alone touch.
"Angel?!", said Cordelia with a jump of surprise as she looked up and spotted him.
For a brief moment she was afraid. She had caught a glimpse of that burning hatred in his eyes, the twist of his mouth that would have made a God tremble but as he emerged out of the darkness with a beaming smile she guessed she must have imagined it. Just a trick of the light.
"Where have you been?", she asked before she could stop herself.
Angel stopped smiling. What should he say when he had no idea where he had been himself?
"Oh, just taking a walk"
She looked slightly dubious but didn’t reply. As she leaned over the desk and kissed him, she felt a slight sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Was it her imagination or could she taste the raw metallic taste of blood in her mouth but she cast a veil over this train of thought. He was a vampire, vampires drink blood. OK, so he only drank pig’s blood but how was she supposed to tell the difference.
"What’s been happening here? The place looks totally dead"
Should she tell him? Should she not? Either he already knew or he didn’t, and if he didn’t he’d probably find out about it soon enough,
"We had a little visit from Wesley"
Angel frowned,
"What did he want?"
"An ambulance", she said trying to keep her voice calm.
"An ambulance?!", Angel echoed, surprised, "Why would he want an ambulance?"
"Oh I don’t know, maybe because someone wrenched out his eye balls, cut off his hands, broke his nose and bust his lip. Pulverised him to within an inch of his life. I guess that could be the reason"
Angel looked shocked but he didn’t feel comfortable with the fact he knew his shirt was stained with someone’s blood. Could it be Wesley’s? Could he have been the one who had beaten Wesley to a pulp? But if he did, then why didn’t he remember doing it?
"Who did it?", he asked carefully.
Cordelia felt her throat tighten. Here came the tricky bit,
"Um, Wesley said you did it".
The long silence that followed made Cordelia feel queasy. If it had been a shocked silence then that would’ve been fine but it wasn’t. He himself looked slightly ill, and he was thinking. He shouldn’t be thinking. Angel didn’t think. Not unless something was very, very wrong.
"Where are you going?", Fred asked, sleepily.
"I’ve got to meet someone", said Gunn, pulling on a shirt
Fred turned the light on and look at the alarm clock on her bedside table,
"At four-thirty am?!"
"He’s in a bit of trouble. Got in with a crowd he shouldn’t have, pissed off some people he really shouldn’t have, and done something really dumb that will get him locked up till the end of eternity"
Fred turned the light off,
"Don’t get yourself into trouble", she mumbled as he left.
Fifteen minutes later she was pulling on her clothes and wondering why she hadn’t tried to stop him.
"Fred, Fred, calm down. He’s much more level headed than he used to be", said Angel, gripping her firmly by the shoulders, while she tried to twist away from him.
"Don’t you remember what his friends are like? They tried to kill you"
"It doesn’t mean they’re going to try and kill me now"
"I’m not worried about you", said Fred, furiously, "Charles, is going to get himself mixed up with whatever his friend is mixed up with, and then they’ll both end up in jail, or dead, or something like that"
"Calm down. I’ll go and find him. I’ll make sure nothing bad happens to him".
"YOU SAID YOU’D MAKE SURE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS TO HIM!", Fred screamed at Angel.
"He was like that when I found him. I didn’t have a chance to try and save him".
"YOU COULD’VE TRIED!"
"How? I didn’t even get a chance to see who it was that attacked him"
Fred was almost red in the face from shouting at Angel. She was beyond furious. It was only about an hour after Angel had gone out to look for Charles when she had got a call saying that he was in hospital.
He’d tried to tell her that if he’d had a chance then he would have done all he could but Fred was hysterical. To tell the truth, he couldn’t blame her. Someone had really beaten the shit out of Gunn. He was in horrible state; broken, bloodied, and so far he was unable to tell them what happened as he was in a coma.
"MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS YOU!"
Angel was very taken aback,
"Me?! Why would I want to try and kill Gunn?"
"WHY DID YOU BEAT WESLEY TO A BLOODY PULP?!"
"I-I didn’t" but he didn’t sound too sure of himself anymore.
"Fred, calm down", said Cordelia soothingly as she put an arm round her. She turned to look at Angel.
She was telling him to go. He could see it in her eyes.
He turned round and bumped into Connor.
"What’s going on?", he said breathlessly.
Angel shook his head and walked past his son, feeling troubled and shaken. He stopped in the doorway, and turned round.
Why was he hugging her? It was Fred who was upset, not Cordy? Why was there the need to hug her? Would he never forgive him? He was a good actor? He had managed to make him believe that he thought of him as a father when really he was planning to seal him into a lead box and drop him into the ocean. Perhaps that was what he was doing now. Acting. Acting so he could get close to her and not to him. He was taking advantage of her kindness and trying to trick her into feeling more for him than she really did. She was his and his alone. He was his father, and father’s sometimes had to teach their son’s lessons. He obviously needed to be taught a lesson to keep his hands off things that didn’t belong to him. He’d have to do it. He needed to do it. For her.
"Listen to me, Angel, you have to stay away from Cordelia"
"Why?", said Angel puzzled by Lorne’s serious face.
"There’s something wrong with you?"
"With me"
What was Lorne getting at? Why did he want to keep him away from Cordelia? Was it because he wanted to jump in there first?
"Yes, someone’s messing with your mind"
He was messing with his mind. Why was he lying to him? Why didn’t he just tell him the truth?
"Someone’s put a spell on you, a curse. I’m not sure what but..."
Lorne froze as he looked into Angel’s eyes. They weren’t their usual brown, nor the vampire yellow that transformed when he sprouted his game face. They were black. Completely. There was some other demon in him. This wasn’t a spell, nor a curse. There was something inside him, taking him over.
"Angel", he said, trying to stay calm, "You came to me for help, remember"
Angel gave a soft growl, his lips curving over his jagged yellow teeth and sharp canines but his eyes remained black.
Lorne stepped away from him, and then, suddenly, with a sigh of relief he remember the spell cast over Caritas. Angel couldn’t hurt him if he tried.
Lorne flew across the room, as Angel punched him. He knocked his head against the wall, and lost conciseness.
He came round and found himself looking up into Angel’s hideous twisted face,
"You should’ve stayed away from her Lorne. How dare you even think you could try and take my place"
Lorne’s head throbbed painfully.
There was definitely something wrong with Angel. No human, no vampire, no demon could have broken the furies spell but there was something inside him that could. How did it get in? and how the hell could it be got out.
Fred was asleep, Connor was in his room, and Cordelia? Too restless to sleep she wandered round the room wondering what she could do to take her mind off Wesley and Gunn and the idea that it could’ve been Angel who had beaten them into hospital.
She went over to the wardrobe to take out the laundry. She was glad in a way that Angel did drink blood only because if he was anything like how he was with his clothes then he’d be the sort of guy who’d put the milk back in the fridge when there was only a drop of milk left. Angel’s idea of clean clothes had many degrees, and so he had a tendency to put his dirty clothes back in the wardrobe claiming they were spotless.
She looked down and spotted a pile of clothes scrunched up at the bottom. She threw up her hands. Exasperating. The least he could do was hang them up.
Sewage. Gros. His clothes were literally dripping in...she dropped his shirt on the floor. It was damp, yes, but not with slime.
She stared at her bloody fingers. Angel usually burnt the clothes that got covered in demon blood or sewage or anything else that got on them when he fought but something was telling her that this wasn’t demon blood.
She didn’t know what. She was no vampire but something in her pounding brain was telling her, warning her that this blood was human.
She kicked the shirt aside and crouched down. Rifling through the junk at the bottom of their wardrobe.
She gasped, and jumped back. Her hand had met with something round and sticky. Slowly she crept forward again. From the corner of the wardrobe, the light of the room shining into the dimmed wardrobe, an eyeball stared hopelessly up at her. An eyeball with a blue pupil.
Cordelia stuffed the shirt back into the wardrobe and slammed the door shut. Backing away from it and shaking her head. Angel wouldn’t do such a thing. It had been three years since Wesley had taken Connor and even though she didn’t doubt the fact that if Angel had had the chance he would have killed him, she knew that he wouldn’t have gone so far as to mutilate him and then leave him to live, and what of Gunn. Why would he want to hurt Gunn? Gunn had done nothing to anger Angel.
What was it Wesley had said? He had said Angel had done it for her. All for her love. Why? Him beating up her friend and ex-friend wasn’t going to make her love him more.
"What happened?", Cordelia cried, bursting into Wesley’s room.
He looked as awful as ever but she did not notice his state now. His head turned to her but with no focus.
"You believe me then?", he said coldly.
"Tell-me-what-happened? What did he do to you?"
Wesley gave a sick, bitter, and humourless laugh,
"I thought I was the one who was blind".
"You know what I mean?", she said savagely, "What’s wrong with him?"
"I was angry, OK? When he showed up on my doorstep, I was angry. He said he needed my help. I laughed, and he stepped through my door and knocked me out. I didn’t invite him in, he just came in. When I came round I had no idea where I was. I couldn’t see where I was. I was in agony, and then I realised what he’d done. He’d taken my eyes but at the same time I knew why. He knew, or at least the thing inside him did. It knew that I would be able to tell if I saw it"
"It? So what almost killed you and Gunn wasn’t Angel"
The eyebrows above Wesley’s bandaged sockets raised,
"Gunn?! What did he do to him?"
Cordelia looked surprised and it was perhaps lucky that Wesley could not see it.
"He’s down the corridor in a coma but Angel said he was all beaten up when he found him"
"He’s not lying. He won’t recall the things he’s done. He’s possessed by a Bovyak demon. They feed on souls so they usually possess humans but as the whole world knows Angel has a soul and it must be really enjoying it’s juicy find"
"But why is it making him do these things"
"It’s not making him do them. It’s Angel’s demon slowly becoming stronger. It’s Angelus fighting his way out. Angel’s caught. His human instincts and his demon instincts are becoming mixed up. His soul is trying to fight it off which is why he’s desperate for you to love him more. If he sees you with any other man then he’ll get a surge of jealously. Really intense possessive anger. It’s his sub-concious telling his soul that it might lose the battle if you fall in love with someone else. The more he mutilates, the more he hates instead of loves the weaker his soul will become. If the Bovyak demon finishes his soul off completely then Angel’s gone forever. There will be no giving his soul back to him. They’ll just be Angelus."
"What can I do?", said the shocked Cordelia slowly.
"It’s not you who has to stay away from him, it’s you who has to stay away from every man you know. I wouldn’t be worrying for yourself. I’d be worrying for Lorne and Connor"
"But Connor’s his son, and Lorne’s a demon. He couldn’t possibly think..."
"They’re both male. It doesn’t matter what relationship they have with him. It’s what relationship they have with you that’s important".
Angel stumbled out of Caritas, and down a darkened alley. He knew there was something wrong with him now. There had to be. Lorne was dead, and he was covered in his blood. Why was he doing this?
Free. Let me be Free.
"No"
Angel spun round.
Who was that?
"Who are you? What do you want?"
Free. Let me be Free.
"I am free"
Bound. Chained down. Let me out. Let me kill. Let me drink. Let me...
"No, no, no"
What was the matter with him? Was he going mad.
"Leave me alone!"
You’re never alone. I’m always with you. I’m the only one who can take away your pain.
"I’m not in pain", he screamed beating his head against a wall.
Oh no?
"NO!"
Then where is she?
"At home"
You don’t have a home. You’re better off alone. With me.
"She’s my home"
She’s with him. She prefers him to you. He breathes, we don’t. We’re immortal. We’re better than them. We’re stronger. Greater. We lived beyond the grave. We have power that they can only dream of. You want that power back. She wants it too.
"Jesus, what happened to you?", said Connor, getting up, and walking towards Angel.
Blood dripped down Angel’s face from where he had beaten his head against the wall.
"Where is she?", said Angel coldly
"Who?", said Connor, puzzled.
"Don’t lie to me. You know who I’m talking about"
Connor frowned, as he looked over his father. His clothes were stained with blood. Had he got in a fight because it wasn’t his.
He’s hiding her. He wants to keep her away from you. He always lies to you. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even know you. It’s all a game to him. A game to get at her.
"Where are you hiding her?"
"Angel!"
Angel turned round.
Cordelia had burst into the lobby. Her cheeks flushed. Panting from running.
She looked over at Connor,
"Get out of here!", she cried.
"Why?"
"Just go"
She wants him to go so she can follow. They’re both lying to you. They’re always lying.
"THAT’S NOT TRUE!"
Connor and Cordelia looked at Angel sharply. Who was he talking to?
Kill him now. Kill him before he takes her away from you. Kill. Kill.
"KILL", for a split second Angel’s face transformed as Angelus managed to surface for a moment but then he sank back down.
Cordelia ran up to Angel,
"Listen to me Angel. Don’t listen to him. Ignore him. He’s trying to trick you. I love you. Please, understand that. I love you. Only you"
Look at her. Do you see the way her face shows anguish but her eyes remain placid. Look. Look.
"LOOK!"
"Don’t let him get out. Stay with me. Please. Please stay with me"
From Connor’s point of view, all he could see was his father going nuts. A savage brutal look that kept coming and going. He was going to hurt her.
Connor stepped forward.
He’s coming to get her. See the determination on his face. His going to take her away from you. Let me be free and I can take away your pain.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"YOU’RE NEVER ALONE!"
"I WON’T LET YOU OUT!"
"CONNOR, NO!", Cordelia screamed, as he pushed her out the way and went to knock his father out but he lost his chance and Angel kicked him across the room.
Connor was shocked but not afraid. He had beaten his father before. Unlike Wesley and Gunn he stood a chance.
He jumped to his feet but he felt himself knocked to the ground once more.
What was wrong with him? Why was he doing this?
He didn’t have a chance to get up this time, Angel had lifted him off the floor.
"I’m going to kill you just as I killed Holtz’s wife", Angelus snarled, "If you miss him so much you can join him"
Connor fell to the ground with a thud and Cordelia staggered backwards. Her hand fell limp and the stake clattered to the ground.
She stared in horror at the pile of ashes on the floor. She dropped to her knees, scooping them up in her hands, and she felt her chest heave, the drop in her stomach, the tightening of her throat. A huge sob escaped her, and she burst into uncontrollable tears.
"I made one mistake, and he wouldn’t forgive me yet he made a million and you guys always forgive him"
Cordelia and Connor looked up startled.
Wesley stood in the doorway. Lilah by his side. Hand in hand.
His penetrating blue eyes fixed steadily on Cordelia’s pale tear stained face.
"If I’m destined to go to Hell for betraying my friends I might as well make it worth my while".
End.