Title: Betrayal, Deception & Forgiveness
Author: anne
Posted: 09-17-2002
Rating: NC-17
Email: anneeb4@aol.com
Content: C/A
Summary: I'm getting Angel and Cordelia out of the 'situations' that the writers put them at the end of S3
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: No, I haven't managed to buy or get control of ATS over the summer- it still belongs to Joss, Mutant Co & etc
Distribution:
Notes: Okay, the story is not done before the season starts. Sorry. Also, I noticed that I may of (most likely, pretty sure) screwed up about Justine. I seemed to have forgotten there was an ep- where we didn’t quite know who she was and that she interacted with the AI crew.- I forgot and I wrote more in lines as to the later eps where we knew she was a Holtz groupie.
Dedication: anybody and everybody that read my stuff before and took the time to say nice things. Thanks.Part 21
Cordelia fell forward as the bright light diminished.
The vampire sat on the bed, holding her shoulders down. “Definitely need a refund. Soul gone, non-consenting stuff, cuz I sure didn’t consent to that. Though, it might be fun.” He crawled closer over Cordelia’s squirming body. “I told you, I didn’t do what I did because of hate or anger, but out of pleasure and pain, don’t you ever listen to me, obviously not and look where you are now.” The vampire rolled on his back landing on Cordelia’s stomach. “Rage and anger are the soul’s doing. Boring, but true. Don’t care, no anger, no rage. So easy without a soul, so damn easy to take what you want.”
The vampire trailed a slow stroke down Cordelia’s side, turning to face her. “You think you know me so well, but you don’t understand the freedom of not caring, the thrill of taking what you want. I was wrong, I have learned to hate again. I hate the soul that prohibited the freedom to take the pain and pleasure without restraint, just like I hate those that made me adhere to it. You being the biggest offender of all- worse than the slayer, even. Always believing that I could do it making me want to do it making me believe for that brief moment that it could be done. But you failed to understand and what the soul tried to ignore, is that I am my demon the soul didn't change that. And half the time, I didn't want to be that good person, with the best heart that you claimed I was. Do you know how many times I wanted to snap your neck because you wouldn't just let me do what I wanted or just fuck you until you bled, but you wouldn't have like that, and the soul would've gotten all miserable and god forbid stuttery. ” He swiftly plopped on her chest, face to face. “Nothing to say.”
Cordelia gulped back her tears. “Why aren’t I dead?”
The vampire gazed her into her eyes and down along her body. “Because you don’t fear death. I learned watching you suffer for two years from the visions. Not saying a word. You accept pain and death, like you deserve it or something. So, I’m stuck trying to find out exactly what you fear the most.”
“You.”
“No, I’m not even sure that’s true, though you should.” The vampire studied the young woman. “Wesley, “ he eyes lightened. “Gunn” he laughed. “Fred. Ooh, getting closer, at what point will you break, Connor?” Angel leaned up. “Connor? You don’t even really like him right now, you blame him…. yet, you do still fear for him, don’t you, left over mommy feelings, what? You can tell me, I’ll keep your secret.”
Cordelia flinched at his beckoning tone. “Don’t underestimate Connor. He did manage to put Angel in a box.” Cordelia struggled trying to pull up her power again.
“He put ME in the box, Cordelia, I wasn’t absent for that. But, that was then, this
is now, NOW I won’t be whining and trying to ‘reason’ with him. No, I’ll just be ripping the little bastards head off. But then again, maybe I'll be creative after all Holtz already talked me up big, can't just rest on my laurels.”
“What do you want from me?” Cordelia tried to jerk away.
"You got me thinking, maybe I do need an new eternal crazy evil pet."
Cordelia gulped then glared. "Go find Justine, then.”
"Did I tell you how magnificent you were, but no, ‘eww’, I did tell you that."
Cordelia blinked at the expression on his face.
The vampire laughed. "Sweet Fred might be fun, but really no challenge it wouldn't take much to get her running back to her cave and babbling. But she is darling."
"Don't, please."
"Then she'll probably want to turn her boyfriend or maybe she'll just want to play with him awhile. I'll encourage either. Wesley, though, and that kid are dead." The vampire pondered out loud, washing over Cordelia’s plea.
"You haven't mentioned my place in this grand scheme of yours yet." Cordelia tugged again in at the manacles.
The vampire leaned in, whispering, "Take everything I ever wanted from you of course. The question is then what. You've been the bane of my existence for so long, but you would also make a helluva vampire, beautiful, loyal, strong, a great fuck, and without the soul, I wouldn't even hate you. But, I don't know, do I want to reward you for making me so goddamn miserable and happy. Tough call. What do you think? You did promise to be with me for always."
"Not you, never you."
"You say tomato, I say tamahto."
"I don't care what you do to me." Cordelia jerked again.
"I know, which is why I'm not in a real hurry to torture you. Exactly, how many times have you been tortured, exactly?" The vampire rolled on his back, using her chest as a cushion, holding up his fingers counting," the eyes’ auction, nah, I'm not counting that one, no real damage, and I'm not counting the demon spawn babies, either, you asked for that, so what, Vocah, I’ll give you that one, and I’ll give you the major head fuck by Wolfram & Hart’s bigheaded freak, but not the Skilosh’s little skull hurting spawn, that only lasted an instant. Actually,” Angel leaned up, “What’s with you and demon babies, had I had any balls with a soul, you might’ve been Connor’s mommy. Oh well.” Angel sighed lying back. “You haven't been tortured by any real pros, so maybe I should. What exactly did that little girl bitch do to you again?"
"I doubt you could even beat the Plyean Priests."
The vampire narrowed his eyes. "What Plyean Priest?"
"The ones that suck hot irons in my head."
"You were just complaining, you said it wasn’t bad- nothing about hot irons."
"I lied, but if you want torture- torture away. I wish you would and STOP talking." Cordelia tried to kick out.
The vampire turned searching her face, “Of course you lied. Should’ve known. When haven’t you lied about the pain- tell me Cordelia, will you lie about this pain?” The vampire sat up and laughed. “You will, just like you want me to hurt you. You want me to hurt you, that way you can keep saying over and over- it's Angelus, it's Angelus - not Angel- and block it out like you block every other painful thing in your life. This hurts you more doesn't it?" Knowing that I am him. Which do you fear more, me, touching you softly, " gently padding his fingers along her neck, "or ripping into your skin?”? The vampire smiled. " I know the answer, loving you- would destroy you, making you gasp and squirm at my touch." He moved down, his hand released to curve over her breast, gentling teasing, hardening the nipple. "That was pretty easy. How about this,” the vampire trailed his hand down, cupping her center with a caress. “So hot." He murmured.
Cordelia flinched trying to jerk her hips away.
The vampire rested his chin on her belly, staring up. Cordelia had squeezed her eyes closed, but that didn't stop the tears from streaming.
The vampire closed his eyes at the sight, "Shh, baby, it will be alright," he whispered. His lips moving with gentle kisses to embrace the center.
Cordelia's eyes shot open. It was Angel's touch, Angel's voice, his lips that was touching. She winced, knowing that if she closed her eyes again she would believe it. Cordy forced herself to remember the smirk, the sardonic laughter, and the cold eyes that made his lack of soul apparent and dangerous. Angelus was mocking her love for Angel and she hated him for it. She yelled, jerking her hips harder. This was real, she reminded herself. It was her vision. Imagines flashed again, pictures of the sneering handsome face juxtaposed on the loving one. Angel vs. Angelus- Angelus vs. Angel-the same face of both flashed through her head. They were the same. This was madness, this was….Cordelia gulped looking at the dark head between her thighs touching gently, trying to give her pleasure, a sickness engulfed her as her body responded and her mind came to an impossible conclusion.
“Told you,” The vampire leaned up, his face void of all expression.
Cordelia gulped swallowing shallow breaths as her muscles tried to calm. She narrowed her eyes. “You don’t seem that happy in that 'I told you so'. Why? Maybe it wasn’t you, maybe I was just not through with getting laid, good fuck that I am and all.” She moved dragging her legs away from the vampire. “You are good too, you know, must be all those years of practice. Practice makes perfect, I guess mines just talent.”
“Look at you trying so hard, you’ve got you’re brave cocky Cordy face on – the ‘no one can touch me face,” The vampire leaned up studying the young woman, the tears were gone, the heat was still at the tips of his fingers, on the taste of his tongue, but she was cold to look at.
“You can’t…” she slowly shook her head, her eyes momentarily shifting from the vampire’s mocking gaze. “You can’t touch me not anymore, not now.” Cordelia jerked her head to face the vampire head on. “ So, did you want to do more or are we done,”
The vampire narrowed his eyes. “You have no idea what I can do to you.” He leaned caressing Cordelia’s clenched jaw. “My Cordy, so untouchable, but touchable to me, always to me. I found your worse fear,” the vampire leaned back over Cordelia’s body, his hand now resting on the scar on her stomach. “Now you can’t hide. I told you that I liked this, I lied.” He pressed at the old wound. “The moron’s mark, made because you loved him, hate it want it gone.” The vampire moved his fangs sinking around the marred flesh, piercing, and sucking making the scar his own.
Cordelia yelled, clenched her eyes closed, tensing her body as hands settled her hips to the bed. Through the fire in her brain she could hear the slurping of lips on flesh, drinking possessing her to the fullest. Her hands grasped around the iron bars, not moving just waiting for it to be over. She….Cordelia groaned as the pain was magically transformed into ease, the sucking hadn’t stopped but the force was gone, now it was gentle, the strength still held her but it was soft, beckoning and tempting. That’s when rage filled her and hate sprang to mind, she jerked again forcing the fangs that had become gentle to rip into her skin, causing a jagged tear and forced a scream from her throat.
“Damn’t, Cordelia, don’t.” The vampire jerked up, slamming his hands down on her, making her body still, his lips this time coating the ripped flesh, kissing and tonguing, stopping the flow of blood that Cordelia’s move generated.
Cordelia leaned up on the bed, the tenderness of his actions causing her tears to start falling again. “Just stop…just stop. Please just stop” Her voice broken.
The vampire leaned up licking his lips. “I take it you don’t love me anymore.”
Cordelia refused to answer her eyes squeezing tighter, her head shaking, anger expounding at the vampires words and a hurt indescribable.
“Whatever I am? You can’t handle it. You’re too cocky for your own good, should’ve realized it early on you can’t love a vampire – they’ll always bite you in the end.” The vampire swung to the side of the bed, his shoulders slumped.
Cordelia opened her eyes to stare at the naked broad back, signs of earlier lovemaking still apparent of the pale flesh. She clenched her jaw, never in her twenty some years and multiple of experiences had she wanted to kill a being so. The power surged through her body, pulsating, not needing a guide. The manacles melted as the bars did. She jerked kicking at the broad back, pushing the vampire to the floor. She rolled searching, grabbing at the leather coat on the floor, yanking at the stakes she knew would be there. She lunged landing on the fallen vampire the wooden point pressed at the exact spot needed on his naked chest.
“What, no struggle, where’s that self preservation of Angelus I’ve heard so much about,” Cordelia glared at the hands that held her by the shoulders, not pushing just holding and the brown eyes that stared at her. The vampire waited. “Come on, Angelus, its Angel that tries to commit yearly suicide or has bouts with self-destructing, not you.” Cordelia bore the stake further breaking the skin. "Damn't do something, say something, just how far are you willing to take this.... WHY?" She leaned up as she heard familiar voices call out her name and Angel’s.
She got up flinging the stake wide grabbing at a sheet, huddling an end at the blood that had started to flow again on her stomach, hiding it, wrapping the excess sheet around like a toga with the corners draped around her redden wrists. Cordelia swirled to the vampire now leaning up against the wall. “You will get up, get dressed and shut up. Do it, Angel, now.” She ordered, brushing the tears off her face with a corner of the sheet and faced the door as Wesley barged in.
Angel slid up the wall, his eyes never leaving Cordelia. Her words her actions were all in slow motion as he watched her wave her hands, chastising their friend for kicking in the door. She poo ha the weapons that they were holding. Throwing up her hands as she yelled more. Angel watched as Wesley and Gunn stepped back lowering their weapons at the scowl of the woman. He saw Wesley hold out a pouch in a conciliatory motion. Angel focused in finally listening to the conversation.
“Cordelia, we weren’t following you, though we should’ve been. Right, whatever, but Cordy, Wolfram & Hart knew…”
“What?” Cordelia stepped forward her dramatic display quieted.
Wesley stepped eagerly forward at the calm. “Yes and they had devised a spell to break the enchantment of this room,” Wesley waved about. “Hoping for Angelus and you dead.”
“Uh?” Cordelia shook her head. “Angelus? That’s Angel, been Angel, no soul lossage." she pointed to the vampire still in the background but now listening.
Angel slunk back. Deep down he had known but he had gone too far, so he had just continued hoping that he was mistaken. Cordelia had asked him how far he had been willing too take it, too far, but obviously not far enough and now Angel was damned in her eyes. Still, Angel stood straighter against the wall, it wasn’t his plan for her to hate him like that, but it would accomplish what he needed. But god it hurt. Angel looked back at the young woman who was telling their friends the truth but ball faced lying at the same time. Why was she lying? God, he wished he could really understand that woman.
“Yes, good. Didn’t think it would be once the Furies verified that the spell only effected the ‘no violence’ portion and Anita here explained the exact nature of the enchantment.”
The brothel owner poked her head in. “No broken furniture.”
“You didn’t give us any,” Cordelia huffed.
“What did you do to the bed?” Pointing to the melted iron.
“I kinda of glow at certain times.” Cordelia shrugged.
“You two, are going to bankrupt me.” She tisked.
“Bill us,” Cordelia glared. “Wesley, if you knew the spell didn’t work…”
“I didn’t until very recently, so-“ He shrugged up his dart gun. “They’re re-doing the ‘no’ violence portion as we speak.” Wesley shrugged again. “Though, violence really wasn’t a concern not if the enchantment itself wasn’t broken. It was just you and Angel.”
“Of course, just me and Angel, safe as two peas in a pod,” Cordelia laughed softly. “So what’s in the pouch your swinging around like an idiot?”
“Oh, the best part…”
“There’s a good part to all this.”
“Cordelia, this was not a secret you should’ve kept. Wolfram & Hart’s goal…”
“Wesley, the bag, lecture me later.”
“Oh, I found the alternate spell….”
“Uh?”
“The gypsies had two, the one they used and this one.”
“I’m lost.”
“It’s wonderful,” Fred chimed in.
“Yes, well,” Wesley coughed. “I can make Angel’s soul permanent, so no fear of any more of Wolfram & Hart’s games on that front,” he waved the bag.
Cordelia’s eyes as well as Angel’s were centered on that small pouch.
Cordelia blinked. “That will work?”
“Yes, I’ve been working on it for the last few days and finally found the right spell.”
Cordelia staggered forward. “You’ve been what? For how long?”
“I didn’t want to tell you until I was sure, no false hopes and all.”
Cordelia swayed and gulped.
Angel moved, not knowing whether he wanted to kill the oh so helpfully good willed closed mouthed Wesley first or hold Cordelia. His decision was made on both counts when Cordelia jerked away and leaned into Wesley’s suddenly outstretched arms. “Cordy, are you alright, you look pale.”
“Nerves and annoyance, only.” She clutched at Wesley’s arms straightening only to stagger again.
“Cordy,”
Angel moved even closer. His thoughts and instincts completely centered on the young woman in the other man’s arms.
Cordelia stepped back her balance steady. “Can you believe it, vision. Vampires, um, waiting in the park to snack. You better go and quick, it will be dawn soon, but you can get there in time if you hurry, Fred you can take me home, right?”
“Of course, “ Fred ran up worried at the paleness of Cordelia’s face.
“Cordelia,” Angel stepped forward saying the only words he said since Cordelia got loose.
“Go, Angel, be a champion, work for your soul, you need it - Or don’t if it makes you too angry, do what you want.”
“Cordy,” Fred said, holding out her arm as the other woman swayed again.
“Fred, get them out, I need to get dressed,” she said softly. “Please.”
“Angel, too?”
“Please, Fred.”
Fred nodded puzzled, but shooed everyone, even grabbing Angel by the shirt and tugging him to the door. “Go fight the vision, go, Cordy said you had to hurry. Make sure you have the blankets. ” She waved them all off.
Once out of sight she turned to Cordelia. “Cordy,” Fred started to re-enter.
“Just a minute Fred, I’ll be out quick, okay.”
Fred bit her lips and nodded. She glanced at the closed door. She could get that Cordelia was angry that they all barged in on her and Angel, but what she didn’t understand is the sadness of the vampire that left and the woman remaining in the room. Did neither of them hear that Wesley had the cure for Angel’s happy curse?
Cordelia slowly unwrapped the sheet, staring at the blood soaked portions as they fell to the floor. She tore at a clean part, shoving it next to the wound and hunted for her clothes, feeling dead inside.
Part 22
"It doesn't look like he's wanting any help," Gunn stood by the black Plymouth, his large stake dangling at his side.
"No." Wesley placed his cross bow on the hood of the car. Wesley turned nudging at Gunn. The man looked to see Connor walking slowly towards them, his feet moving in their direction but his eyes on his father disseminating a large group of vampires, with unleashed power and force.
"You're not helping." Connor asked.
"Just be in the way," Gunn shook his head at the violent tableau. "He's..." Gunn shook his head again. "Wes, why is he in vamp rage, shouldn't he be all whistly and hummy. He and Cordy....I mean what's up with him. He hasn't said a word, and just....." Gunn pointed at the vampire moving and kicking in fast motion, leaving dust in his wake.
"Probably, just having a hard time dealing with the concept and I'm sure he's angry about Wolfram & Hart's plan for Angelus to kill Cordelia, and the sun will be rising soon. He’s motivated."
"What plan? Those people that kept me prisoner wanted Angelus to kill Cordelia?" Connor asked staring hard at the two men. "Did he...."
Wesley quickly shook his head. "No, Connor, the plan failed. Angel never lost his soul and Cordelia is fine. In fact, we found the spell that will anchor his soul. Once done, there will never be any danger from Angelus."
Connor blinked. "Angelus is gone."
"Will be. Cordelia had a vision before we could do it. But, I imagine, Angel will want it done as soon as possible." Wesley looked back to the fight. "Which should be about now."
"That was the quickest I've seen in awhile." Gunn said in admiration as Angel staked the last vampire.
"Of course, he was in a hurry," Wesley said.
Angel pocketed his stakes and walked back over to the car. He said nothing, reaching back into his coat tossing his keys to Connor. "If you want." He turned away.
"Angel, aren't you going back to the hotel. We should do the spell as soon as possible. Don't you want to? The immediate danger is over; well the sun is actually becoming an immediate danger. Angel.” Wesley called to the retreating vampire.
"Maybe he thinks it’s quicker to go on foot- you know, vamp speed." Gunn suggested. “Though, why he doesn’t want the security of the top, tinted windows and blanket…. Wes, talk to me.”
Wesley raised a brow. "He can't do the spell by himself. We're here."
"Maybe Cordy's."
"Without doing the spell?"
"All right, I give up." Gunn threw up his hands. "Don't see you having a clue as why the vampire just went strolling into the rising sun. Damn.” Gunn went running, as the sun broke over the horizon.
Wesley followed, Connor taking off past both into the alley Angel disappeared in. “Sewer.” He pointed to the tilted manhole cover.
Gunn bobbed his head, trying to get his heavy breathing under control. “Told you, the vamp knew a speedy shortcut.” Gunn shook his head. “Hey, kid, give me those,” Gunn grabbed the keys Connor still had in his hand.
"He said I could drive."
"No, he didn't, he just threw them."
"He said if I want."
"Well, he's not the one that will be killed if you drive." Gunn got in the car. "Are you coming.”?
"Connor." Wesley questioned.
"I don't see why I can't drive, he gave the keys to me." Connor slid into the backseat.
"Cuz, you can't drive." Gunn started the Plymouth and headed back to the hotel.
Part 23
"Thank you, Dennis," Cordelia said softly, taking the gauze in the air. Once secure on her body a blanket came up to float around her. "No, thanks." Cordelia slumped down on the couch. She wished she could cry. But all her tears had fled, along with the anger, leaving nothing but an aching shock. Her mind and body were too numb to even grasp the concept of what happened. Cordelia knew she should be mad, should be hurting. Isn't it supposed to hurt when your heart has been broken? She didn't know anymore, she just felt nothing. Dull hazel eyes, still red, gazed at the dim dawn light she saw rising from the shade of the heavy curtain and then at front door.
Cordelia got slowly up going to her hall closet. Her searching became more frantic trying to find potion she all but forgot about through the years. With a grunt, she pulled three years of living down from the top shelf, her hand reaching to the back. She closed her eyes as she felt the small container.
With a low sigh, she took it down, mumbling barely remembered words as she sprinkled the contents across the entrance to her home.
She stumbled back memorized by the settling ingredients floating to the floor. With the last strangled word, the nausea built back up with the pain, forcing her to her knees in front of the toilet, throwing up her heart. Cordelia gazed at the water swirling at the flush, wondering if she would ever get it back. Slumped against the porcelain tub, she found her tears again.
* * *
Angel's slow walk through the darkness of the tunnels became a run, turning swiftly at each bend and corner, just running. Angel pounded on the muddy, slushy surface, he didn't know where he was going or if he was running away or towards something- he just ran hoping that some coherent thought would break through his mind's haze that some instinct would guide him.
He stopped, his shoes cemented to the ground as he looked up to the obscure ladder. Angel may not have known but his feet did. Angel braced his back on the rungs of the ladder. To go up would be to enter Cordelia’s apartment complex. Angel slumped trying to find his thoughts. With a single decision, he had destroyed everything. Angel wanted to damn Wesley for not telling them about the spell sooner. But, Angel knew that he was the one to be damned. He should have.... Angel didn't know what he should've done, but what he did do he knew was wrong in so many different ways. Angel looked again up at the access way, he had to make another decision now. Chances were it would be wrong too. The easy thing would be just to go, carry on with the hell he made for himself. It really wouldn't be that difficult to go back to being that shadow demon he was before Cordelia. It may even be comforting to dwell once more in darkness, not apart of life, just there. The pain could be his companion. It was a familiar one. Angel thought hard trying to feel beyond the moment.
Angel knew by Cordelia's actions that she wouldn't leave. She couldn't either more than he could. But, before, he knew with surety that he could see her, hear her, feel her presence and stay away because of if the plan had worked like was supposed to- she would have kept her distance from him, her love fading at what Angelus had done. It would've worked because it was the love that he found irresistible and would have reminded him daily of what could’ve happened. Except now his biggest fear couldn’t happen. Angel groaned his head banging on the metal rungs. Angel had to be honest with himself now- the subject to great to deny or not feel through. Would he be able to resist, knowing now that there was a way that Cordelia could love him without danger to him or herself or would Angel just start that way keeping his distance, slowly crowding Cordelia, becoming increasingly obsessed with her, trying to seduce, manipulate or just beg her to love him again. Without the fear of Angelus would he rationalize his need would he act on it? Would he even cause more harm to the young woman that he loved.
Time, love, need and instinct need would be his enemy on that course of action. Leaving would be the best option. But it was the only option he knew he couldn't do. Angel couldn't leave her, even if she hated him, he had to stay and make sure she was protected, he couldn't leave Connor, and he didn't want to leave his family or the mission. God, would his souled life always be one fuck up after another.
Angel stood. He had only one chance and he was many things but not a coward. Who was he kidding? He was the biggest coward on the planet when it came to Cordelia. Still. Angel climbed; he had to talk to her. If she understood, then maybe one day she may forgive.
Part 24
"Dennis," Angel repeated, but the door remained locked. Angel studied the doorknob he couldn't wait for Cordelia to harden and build up her walls. He squeezed at the knob crushing it. He slammed the door open as the ghost pushed back. "I'm coming in Dennis," Angel shoved again and was forced to a stop. It took a moment to recognize the force that held him. He pushed and his fist hit a solid invisible barrier. Angel stumbled back staring at the inside of Cordelia's apartment a home that had never been barred to him since he first knocked on her door with a small cactus in his hand and a tentative smile. He searched on the mantle to find that small cactus, only now it was big and strong, growing it seemed at the same rate of their friendship and love. Angel blinked keeping his eyes on the plant half expecting it to wilt and die before him. He sighed gaining inexplicit courage as it remained true. "Cordelia, please." He called out into the empty living room. "Cordy," his voice ringing through the apartment. "I'm not leaving until you talk to me. I'm not," he repeated lowly, his back slumping down against the invincible wall.
Cordelia sat huddled on the bathroom floor.
Angel sat in the hallway, never moving a muscle. An hour he waited, jerking to his feet when he heard soft footsteps and a rapidly beating heart.
"Please, Cordelia," he called to the still woman staring at him.
"Please," he repeated at the shake of her head. "You have to understand."
Cordelia continued to shake her head not relenting but not leaving.
"Please."
Cordelia narrowed her eyes at the vampire. The tears and the numbness dwindled away as the anger took hold. "Go away, Angel."
"I can't, not until I explain.”
"Explain, you can't explain it- there is no explanation."
"Cordelia, there's always explanations, they just might not be right or valid or good or realized. But there are reasons. Just, please listen, then I'll go." Begging wasn't beneath him at this point, but studying Cordelia, Angel wasn't confident that would do anything but make her colder to him.
Cordelia didn't want to listen him or even see his face. But his expression kept her rooted to the spot and not slamming the door on his pleas. She couldn't detect any expectation from the vampire that she would accept what he had to say neither did he offer a desperate apology as he was prone to do in the past. It was as if he knew that he was beyond apologies. He crossed the line and he knew it as she did. Angel just wanted her to know why. Damn her, Cordelia did want to know why. It made no sense that she could think of- every possibility fizzled into disbelief and pain, remembering the love she felt with Angel. He did love her. She wasn’t that blind-was she? For her own sanity she had to know. If it were all a lie, then she would be free to hate. But she didn’t want to hear his voice, slamming her hands over her ears turning her back to the now silent vampire. Could Cordelia even trust him to tell her the truth? Was there even a truth to tell? She was going insane.
Cordelia swirled around dropping her hands, her gaze fierce. “Why? Can you not fall in love without Angelus making appearance; you couldn’t lose your soul so you had to make him up. Are you that twisted? Or was there ever even an Angelus, was it always just you. You have this identity you create when your “darker instincts” get to much for you to handle, so you call yourself Angelus and ruin lives, then pop back into ‘Angel’ the souled guy and go- oh, Sorry- forgive me- it wasn’t me, it was the evil guy. What are you some undead walking and talking homicidal Multiple Personality Disorder? Just how fucked up are you?” She demanded.
“Very.”
The simplistic and painful honesty of that one word answer caused Cordelia to blink rapidly, stumble back, and, god forbid, causes her heart to break all over again.
“Can I come in, please? I won’t hurt you.”
Cordelia scoffed, tears choking in her throat,” liar.”
“Yes. Please.”
Cordelia turned again, waving her hand wildly in the air.
“You have to say it, Cordelia.”
The woman turned sharply, “You’re invited in. But, don’t…” She turned again, her warning that he stay away from her not needed. Angel had already gone to stand in the darkest corner of her living room, half hidden by the lamp’s shadow.
Cordelia strode forward. “No, if you’re going to explain then you can’t hide. In the light.” She slammed her body in the chair, ignoring the wince of her wound “Over there,” she pointed to the furthest part of the couch.
Angel hesitated for a second and moved silently to the couch. He glanced at her, taking in the hazel eyes redden with new tears, the stubborn set of the mouth, the paleness of the face and the way she favored her stomach. He shot off the couch going to her kitchen.
Cordelia jumped at the sudden movement watching the vampire disappear. If he dared come back with a mug of blood, she would stake him.
Angel came back into the living room moments later carrying a plate and glass. Cordelia scooted back in her chair as he moved close placing the items on the coffee table in front of her. “You need to eat, my mark was enlarged causing you to lose more blood than you should have.”
Cordelia stared in horror at the sliced peanut butter sandwich with the crust neatly cut off, the way she liked it, and glass of orange juice and then up to the vampire that sat back down at the far end of the couch. She blinked the vampire’s voice hadn’t been riddled with guilt. It was just matter of fact.
“Eat, Cordelia you lost to much blood.”
“Whose fault is that?” she snapped.
“Yours, actually.”
“WHAT?”
“I wasn’t draining you. My intended mark would have already closed by now if you had not jerked away. The puncture wounds tore because of it. Therefore you lost more blood than you should of and you need to eat.”
Cordelia shoved aside the plate. “This isn’t the damn Red Cross and I don’t need a cracker. I wasn’t a friggin Donor.” She yelled, her emotional outburst in direct contrast to Angel’s calm manner. "And it was too your fault."
Angel studied the woman’s glare and shook his head. “I became Angelus the night Darla turned me and remained so until I was cursed. I was everything depicted and told. I was evil, a vampire and enjoyed all which that entailed. The instincts that cried for killing, lust, fear and blood I not only embraced but also went out of my way to take them to greater heights. And I was damn good at it.”
Cordelia snapped her jaw shut. This wasn’t one of Angel’s past stories, always told with a twinge of guilt and hesitation, always told in a far away voice as a storyteller might tell of a long ago tale or horror story. This was real. This was Angel saying who he was straightforwardly without shame or pleasure, and it almost seemed a hint of pride. Cordelia started to listen.
Angel continued to stare at the young woman. “When I was cursed, all those instincts remained, guilt and conscious were just added. At first, I attempted to ignore the soul be what I had been before. But, I couldn’t. So, I hid in the shadows, not knowing where I belonged, not knowing that I could belong anywhere. To act on my instincts caused guilt and pain of conscience, to not act on them caused one very fucked-up vampire, one who had no idea about the clause in the gypsy curse. I lost my soul and with it all guilt or conscience.” Angel paused and looked away.
“What” Cordelia whispered not wanting to interrupt but the vampire was taking to long to continue.
Angel looked back. “I was Angelus,” He paused again.
Cordelia swore she was going to yell.
“I….I thought I was same as before, different clothes, different hair, but the same…but I wasn’t…not entirely.”
Cordelia leaned back not at all understanding. Her experience of Angelus in Sunnydale pretty much jibed with everything she had heard about the vampire.
Angel shook his head at her expression. “I was a tad on the obsessive side…” He shot a look at Cordelia raised brow. “Drusilla is probably the closest thing that could’ve have been called an obsession, but it wasn’t really, I just took a lot of time with her because I wanted to drive her crazy. She had the sight, she was so lovely and innocent alive, I just wanted to see how crazy and evil I could make her. I thought it would be fun and it was.”
Cordelia couldn’t help the widening of her eyes at his correction. “Oh,” she silently said.
Angel nodded at Cordelia’s perceived understanding. “But when I lost my soul in Sunnydale, I was a bit obsessed with hurting Buffy…. Alright, fine,” he admitted at Cordelia double raised brows and the Pfft of air from her lips. “I was obsessed. But it wasn’t motivated by fun, but by hate. That was the first time really as a vampire, with or with out a soul, well except for my human family, I acted out of hate. With my family, it was because I wanted to destroy all past connections to humanity. With Buffy, it was because she made me feel almost human and with my soul I finally realized that I wanted that, but without it, I hated that feeling. It wasn’t just that I loved her. Can you understand?” Angel looked at Cordelia.
Cordelia held Angel’s gaze, her voice clipped and sure. “Buffy touched the humanity in your soul, you recognized it because of your love, you wanted it, but didn’t have a clue what to do with it, Angelus- or rather without your soul, you- because vampires are inherently killers some more flashy and psychotic then others-hated that you had been subjected to that humanity and like with your family you set out to destroy Buffy. Because she was the slayer, it was a tad more difficult to kill her. So, you attacked her through her friends and played vicious mind games hoping to break her.”
Angel a little stunned by her accurate summation. “Right.”
“Duh, Angel, I was there, bitchy doesn't mean unobservant or stupid.” Cordelia got up pacing. “You still haven’t explained anything. Fucked up, I knew. Without a soul- sadistic bastard that hated any type of humanity, you must've really hated your human life to continue to despise humanity so much, with a weird sense of humor, I knew- Dru, okay I didn’t know all that- but still, you haven’t explained anything.”
“I didn't despise..."
"You say fun, I say hatred....I grew up in Sunnydale, seen a lot of vampires, most just would think of me as food, sure, they would kill, didn't give a shit about human life, but they didn't all go striving for ways to suck the world and humanity into hell or schemes for elaborate torture or even killed their immediate family, they just killed who was ever available. But you did for whatever reason. Fun, hate whatever….I really don’t care anymore. You’re right, I did think I knew you but I don’t. Not at all, I was just lying to myself. I don’t know you.”
"You do, mostly,” Angel sighed. “But...."
“Shut up, I don’t what know anymore, everyone makes mistakes. The problem with you is yours always seem to be done to create the most elaborate harm. I've only asked two things from you. That you believe in the mission- which you betrayed before and that you love me- that you betrayed now. How am I supposed to forgive you or trust you ever again? Why should I care? Why, did you do it?" Cordelia threw her hands over her face, the final question choking in her throat.
Angel dropped his head to floor. Taking a deep breath he tried to answer. “Cordelia, I drink blood- pig out of necessity because I want human. I still want to just take what I want for my pleasure, I want to kill when the mood strikes, I want to pick a victim a systemically terrorize them until their blood is drenched in fear, then I want to kill them. That’s what I still want, the soul hasn’t changed that. And who I was as a human is irrelevant, and you are probably right, but it's irrelevant."
Cordelia looked up at the vampire in disbelief. “That’s your explanation? When’s the last time you picked out a victim and tortured them to death.” Cordelia asked, standing her hands on her hips. “When’s the last time you killed someone just for the hell of it.”
"That's not the point."
"Answer me. You started this, whatever this is.”
"I...in Sunnydale."
Cordelia waved her hand. “Let me clarify- with a soul?”
“When I first got my soul, I killed scum for food. And ….Robbie and Laurie,” Angel pointed as if he gave Cordelia the right answer.
Cordelia shook her head. “Forgetting about the scum of over a hundred years ago- you’re trying to tell me you wanted to kill Robbie and Laurie.”
“I enjoyed it.” Angel snapped at her patronizing tone.
“That’s not what I asked. Did you want to?”
“I needed them.”
“Angel, answer me, did you want…..”
Angel shot up beginning his own pacing. “I didn’t even think about it wanting it. I just did it. I was so hungry and weak, Robbie came opening the box, I smelt food and I just took. Laurie, I knew what I was doing, but I needed more. So, I killed her.”
Cordelia stilled, refusing to be diverted by early memories or the anguish of her dreams of Angel imprisoned in the bottom of the sea or the made up dead faces of the two innocents. “Was it a matter of want or need, Angel?”
Angel blinked, stopping. “Need.”
Cordelia nodded. “Torture?”
“I was mean to Merle.”
“You were mean to everyone then.” Cordelia snapped. “Did you break his fingers, poke out his eyes, cut out body parts.”
“Cordy.” Angel grimaced.
“Did you?”
“I hung him upside down and left him. I dunked him to.”
“Terrifying.”
“Cordelia….”
“No, you listen. You are a vampire with vampire instincts- killing, etc. You obviously were a piece of work when you were human and with Darla’s influence you skyrocketed to being one of the most vicious, nastiest vampires of your day- all in the name of fun or whatever. But that’s not who you are now, even with those instincts your so adamant about, because you have a soul and you use those instincts as well as strength to help people not kill them, and you fight those instincts when they could hurt some one, generally speaking anyway.”
Angel just stared shaking his head.
“What? I’m wrong.” She paced waving her hands, swaying slightly.
“Please sit down and eat something.”
“Don’t start caring about my well-being now,” she glared.
“I’ll never stop,” Angel sighed sitting back down on the couch. “At least sit down, please.”
Cordelia glared but sat.
“Cordelia, generally speaking you are right. But you still don’t understand.”
“Angel, I get….”
“No, Cordelia, you don’t.” Angel closed his eyes leaning his head back briefly, then settling an intense gaze on the woman. “Why do you think that I marked you?”
“I don’t know why you bit me, I don’t why you did any of it, you still haven’t explained.”
“Not bit, but marked.”
“What’s the difference? You know what I don’t care. I don’t care about any of this. Just go, you aren’t explaining anything.”
“I told you about Angelus so you would understand, not just what you’ve read or even saw in Sunnydale. So, you would understand how much danger you in particular would be in if I ever lost my soul.”
“I get I would be killed, just like Connor, Wesley and the others. I know the drill the closest to the soul are the first to go, then Sunnydale.”
“No, then Wolfram & Hart, starting with Lilah. And Connor, Wesley, Fred and Gunn, I probably would kill, but it would depend on you.”
“What?”
“Cordelia, listen to me, and hear me, I am Angelus, I just have a soul. When I was first turned my ‘priorities’ as it were- were dictated to some extent by Darla, and whatever struck me as fun at the time. Sunnydale, by what Buffy made me feel. Here now- only by you and that’s true whether I have a soul or not. You are mine. That’s the difference between a bite and a mark. That’s the instinct you need to be concerned with and understand. With a soul, I need you and love you, I care that you love me, without, I just want and need you, maybe even love, I don’t know, Spike, James said they loved, I never had that experience not as a human and not without a soul, but regardless, it wouldn’t matter to me whether you loved me or not. I would just take what I want from you and turn you and then let you decide on what to do about the others. I have feeling you would want them with you as vampires. I wouldn’t waste the time going after them or playing with them to destroy you, because I wouldn’t want you destroyed or crazy, I would want you just like you are just without the burden of a soul. And you Cordelia Chase have the potential to be very dangerous vampire without a soul. And that’s why I did what I did, to protect us and our family from that possibility. I couldn’t take the chance that I would ever lose my soul and you lose yours as a consequence.”
Cordelia slumped back in the chair letting Angel’s words suck the breath out of her. She blinked trying not to think of herself as an evil demon or what exactly about her was there that would make Angel or Angelus or whoever think she would be a ‘dangerous’ vampire. What did that mean? Cordelia tried to think in the present and recent past not the possible future that Angel described. “Angel, we weren’t….we were at Anita’s it was safe….you did what you did before even knowing that Wolfram & Hart knew- and how was intentionally destroying my trust, hurting me, making me believe that you had lost your soul going to - nevermind, I wouldn’t sleep with you if I hated you. But…you soul wasn’t at risk.”
“Yes, it was….I learned something interesting about the curse loving you, like I said its not an exact science, having you love me, accept me, I could lose my soul without making love to you.”
“You……didn’t.”
“No, but, twice in the sewers, I didn’t recognize it at first, but when you accepted the deaths of Robbie and Laurie when you cried for me, when you said you loved and needed me, I did feel it, something dangerous tugging at my being. And this last time when you said you loved me- whatever I was, before I made my decision, I felt it again, only that time I recognized it for what it was contentment and joy breaking away my soul.”
“You became broody, you should have told me.”
“Why, so we could agree to not love each other. Become another tragic farce. Anyway, it wouldn’t have worked. Loving you, but not knowing that you loved me, I could let you go with Groo, I could want you to be happy without me, I could resist the urge to kill him and just lock you in room for just me. Which was good, you’ve not only not loved me but hated me and I would’ve ended up staked.” Angel shrugged. “But knowing that you do love me and knowing that I could make you want me with a touch and knowing how much you are willing to do to make me not brood, eventually, best intentions aside, I would’ve used that knowledge after justify and rationalizing and we would be back to where we started, I wouldn’t have had to use force-that wouldn’t of worked, but a good combination of conflict, broodiness, seduction and the puppy dog face would. I may not always understand you, but I do know your weaknesses. And if another 'Groo' showed, he'd be dead.
“I….” Cordelia stopped more than a little stunned at the rough honesty of Angel's voice. “You wouldn’t risk….”
“Cordelia, that’s where the instinct comes in that you have to be concerned with. Wanting you affects my ability to care about the consequences. It's gone beyond love and need, my feelings for you have become inherent to my demon. I can't let you go, not anymore, not when I know you love me."
“I would of remembered. I wouldn't...."
“I wouldn’t have to get you to agree to make love, only to stay with me let me hold you and have you say you loved me, then the risk would exist. But, I couldn’t leave you or Connor and I couldn’t ask you to leave, you wouldn’t want to go, you’d fight to stay for me and the mission. So………”
“So, you planned on making me hate you… couldn’t you have just said ‘Sorry, Cor, I made a mistake, its blondes I really love’- sorry again.”
“Would’ve you have believed me? Or would you've thought I was just doing a ‘have to protect the woman I love,' speech."
Cordelia thought about it, a year ago, even six months ago, she would’ve, but now, knowing, remembering the love in Angel’s eyes. “I don’t……no.” Cordelia would’ve fought him on it.
“That’s what I was afraid of… and honestly, I don’t think I could’ve maintained that lie for very long if you did, not if you were here. I need you to much.”
“Enough to make me hate you and why are you telling me now- OH- the permanency spell, you want to hop right back into bed.”
Angel leaned back into the couch. “Yes. But that’s not why - I didn’t mean for you to know. The plan was for you to escape go running back to the hotel, get Wesley and the disc and restore my soul.”
“Restore the soul you already had…. brilliant…. Angel, that stupid plan could’ve got you staked, if not by me, then Gunn, definitely Connor if he caught up with you thinking you were Angelus. And ultimately, you weren’t even a good Angelus. You caved and got sweet.”
“It was harder than I thought.” Angel looked down at his shoes. “You kept crying.” He mumbled to the floor.
“Gee, wow, what a surprise, I thought my lover turned into a soulless killer that would terrorize every one that I loved, gee, sorry, crying seemed appropriate.” Cordelia rolled her eyes. “Though, I guess it’s nice to know it effected you- hated to think that you would’ve actually TURNED ME, to make your stupid plan work.”
“I….” Angel shook his head not even bothering to comment on Cordy’s last particular outburst and caught air in his lungs, willing the act to calm and give him some sense of what he was trying to tell the young woman. “ I was willing to take the chance. You and Wesley would’ve tried the capture and spell route first, Gunn would’ve followed and I hoped that Connor never found out.”
“You so sure that I wouldn’t have done it right away, I promised didn’t I? And I was damn tempted even when I knew it was you.”
Angel shrugged off the last part of Cordelia’s statement with more confidence and some censure. “You evaded, which doesn’t really make me happy, but since it will soon no longer be an issue, I won’t argue about it, no, you and Wesley would do what you did before chain me up-“
“We knew that was temporary, that’s the only reason.” Cordelia immediately interrupted.
“And Wesley has the spell now, because of that incident, and since I wasn’t really soulless I wouldn’t be going around killing people so no rush to stake me to save anybody.”
“You are a very stupid, you know that right?” Cordelia eyed the vampire.
“I have moments of realization of that, yes. Usually the major lapses occur because of you, I love you and don’t always think the best around you.” Angel shrugged and acknowledged honestly.
Cordelia dropped her head taking a deep breath and then rose to look Angel straight in the eye. “Angel, what then….”
“You wouldn’t hate me, because it wasn't me, it was Angelus, but you would be on guard and wary…and you would’ve distanced yourself and in time, maybe if I was lucky, you’d be willing to be alone with me and we would be friends again. I would just love you that’s all.”
“I did mention that you were stupid, right?”
“Yes.”
“Just checking.” Cordelia shoved her face in her hands, grumbling and making to Angel’s ears very strange sounds.
She lifted her head. “So, now, that the curse is no longer an issue I’m supposed to forget what you did, what you said?”
“No.”
Cordelia narrowed her eyes. “You don’t want me too?”
“I am a vampire, Cordelia, an inherently violent demon, not necessarily trustworthy. I just have a soul. You need to remember that and a lot of what I said was true.”
“So, even though you love me, you hate me, want to snap my neck.”
Angel slumped. “I….No, Cordelia, I get angry and I for an instant I wish I was free to do what I want, that I didn’t have a soul, then I realize that isn’t what I REALLY want, just what my instincts cry out for. Before, I got angry and fired you because I didn’t what to be reminded about the mission about what was right. I wanted my revenge. I realized then that acting on the instincts was….” Angel sighed and sadly chuckled. “I was going to say, one of my biggest mistakes, but I’ve seemed to stacked up a few others since then. Damn. “ Angel rubbed his hand roughly through his hair, taking another breath of air and continued. “ I got angry when you reminded me that I couldn’t kill every lawyer even though they tortured you for a month. I got angry when you refused to ignore the consequences of making love and left me alone. Cordy, you are right in that I can’t let you be my conscience and I have gotten to a point where I do believe in the mission and get some real gratification from helping others, but honestly, without you, I could backslide pretty quickly. It’s the knowing that YOU see more than a fucked up vampire but see me as some one with the biggest heart, that you see me as comforting, if not a little creepy, that you see me as a man whose son will love him. You see a future for me that I never dreamed of and I want it and I want you in it. So, no I don’t hate you.”
“You say that as if you meant it, but what about this? Why did you have to do this?” she pointed to her stomach. “You said you hated it because it was Xander’s mark. It’s not a mark; it’s a scar from a fucking pole going through me. You bit me."
“A mark” Angel nodded at her glare,” a scar -then -that you got because you loved that moron, a scar that says basically he was there first. In your heart and in your body. So, yes, I hate it.”
“You said it……..”
“Cordelia, it’s not ugly, it is a sign of you having lived and suffered, it is part of who you are and you are a beautiful person. That’s was all true, I still hate it though.”
“I never slept with Xander.”
“Still hate it.”
“So you had to make it uglier.” She whined. “And it hurt. And you were a bastard for lying to me and you had no right….It was wrong.”
“Loving you is wrong, Cordelia. The whole thing was wrong. And it wasn’t supposed to hurt you like it did. I didn’t want that, I just wanted…. it doesn’t really matter, it was wrong; I should’ve never bit you. “ Angel laid his head back against the couch. “I not even sure why I did it.”
“You’re lying.”
Angel shot his head up. “Yea,” he admitted after a moment. “I would never had done it, but Angelus could. So, I did it because I wanted to, I wanted to completely possess you and know that when you looked at my mark no matter how the plan turned out that you would you know that you were mine.”
“Leave now, Angel.” Cordelia stood up.
“Cordy,”
“Just go I’ll see you at the office tomorrow. I don’t know about anything else right now.”
“Will you eat?”
“Yes, I’ll eat if you leave.”
Angel nodded turning back from the door. “Put a chair or something against the door, I broke it again.”
“Great, thank you.”
“Knocking didn’t work.”
“Good bye, Angel.”
“Cordy,” Angel hovered at the doorway, not quite willing to take the step across.
“What?”
“Are you going to do the revocation spell after I’m gone?”
“Are you going to come back and lurk in a corner and watch me?”
“If I say no, will you?”
“If you mean it, no.”
Angel stared at the young woman. This was going to be a test. He could pass it. There were plenty of times he didn’t sneak in to watch over Cordelia. “I mean it.” He jerked his head in affirmation.
Cordelia scrunched up her brow at his easy compliance. “Angel, the hallway, outside my window, the street, rooftop, all counts too.”
Angel was glad he could nod again. "Daylight should ensure those."
Cordelia snapped her head to her window. The sun's early morning rays were shining through the thick curtains. "Angel...." Cordelia struggled at the sight of the bright lethal light ascending.
Angel stilled at worry in her tone. He wouldn't get too hopeful. Just because she didn't want to see him burst into flames didn't mean she would forgive him. Though, Angel was tempted, so tempted to play that card. Angel groaned. He was already starting the manipulations. "Sewers. I didn't drive." He forced the words out.
"Right." Cordelia nodded. Of course- she knew about the sewers- he would be safe. Oh god, why did she still care about the dead, insecure, stupid, stupid, stupid, brave, stupid, stupid, loving, stupid, good, stupid, just stupid vampire. "Good." Cordelia continued to nod.
Part 25
Cordelia smacked the pillow again. She didn’t know why she was bothering. Sleep was impossible. In a very real way, she wished it had been Angelus that had chained her to the bed. Granted, she could’ve very well ended up a ‘helluva’ vampire- whatever that meant, but at least it wouldn’t have been Angel that had terrified her. Cordelia pushed the pillow, swinging her legs dropping them with a thud onto the mattress.
Okay, that was a stupid wish. Why couldn’t Wesley have told them sooner about the spell? Angel wouldn’t have done such a horrible and stupid thing, if they knew that there was solution right around the corner. Cordelia beat her legs again, in frustration.
Why couldn’t Angel be sane? Why couldn’t she not care? God, how she wished for the Groo time back, so easy, Groo loved her so simply. It would’ve never occurred to the Plyean warrior to destroy her for the sake of love. And better yet, the Plyean warrior wouldn’t have had the ability to rip Cordelia's heart in shreds. Where was the old Cordy that knew how not to forgive, the one that could shut herself off so completely. Gone, gone as soon as the stupid broody sexy loving good fucked up dangerous vampire became her priority. How and when did that happen and why did it so overwhelm her and make her crazy.
It completely boggled Cordelia's mind how Angel thought terrifying her into believing he was Angelus was a better solution than the truth. Even if Wesley hadn’t had the spell, they could’ve have dealt with it together. Cordelia’s fingers brushed at the bandage on her stomach-then again maybe not. Angel seemed fairly certain that in time he would’ve broken any promises they made to keep their distance from each other. But, to summarily destroy their relationship without even trying was galling and unforgivable. The question was how unforgivable. Never, ever type or some day way in the future type or now type. Cordelia scrunched up her face, she wasn’t quite ready for the now type, but maybe the some day in the future type. How long was that exactly?
Cordelia clutched harder at the pillow. She had been able to forgive Angel before because he had proven himself day by day that he wanted to fight for the mission and that he did care about her. It had worked. They had gotten even closer than before. But how was Angel going to prove himself to her now. It’s not like Angel had to prove that he loves her. Cordelia got that in all of its somewhat scary, somewhat obsessive glory. How was Angel going to show her that he wouldn’t be so destructively idiotic in the future, betray her love in the name of that love? Cordelia punched the pillow; she didn’t see how he could.
Cordelia looked down again at the gauze. What exactly did ‘inherent to his demon’ mean? It reeked of ownership and uncontrolled instincts. Cordelia didn’t like it. The concept sucked at free will and choice on her part. If she couldn’t forgive him did that mean Angel would ignore her wishes and pursue her. It sounded like he would if he believed that she loved him still.
Cordelia scrunched up her brow. Of course, she could always make Angel believe that she didn’t - except she didn’t have a psychotic convenient alternate personality to do the job. Hmmph. Cordelius to the rescue. Ha. Cordelia sighed.
She could go with the tested and true method of dating again. Cordelia shook her head. That wouldn’t work. One, she didn’t want to date anyone and two, she wasn’t at all confident that Angel was exaggerating when he said he kill another ‘Groo’ type boyfriend and three, she was still in love with the dangerous idiot. Cordelia had a sneaky suspicion that ‘inherent to his demon’ meant that no matter what she said or did Angel would know that. Well, Cordy had admitted to herself that she was attracted to the danger of Angel; she just hadn’t quite grasped the idea of exactly how dangerous the vampire still was - even with his soul- to her.
Cordelia buried her face in her hands. She wasn’t getting anywhere. All she knew was that she still loved Angel; she was hurt and angry at what he had done, and more than a little bit nervous about the exact nature of his love for her. Just how possessive was it? Oh. Cordelia hated feeling like this- lost, mad and damn confused.
Cordelia shook away her rambling thoughts too focus on her other problem. Cordelia blew out a huff of frustrated air. What in the hell did her vision of Angelus mean or was it even a vision? Had it been a nightmare like she first thought.
It was getting truly frustrating- the vision of her talking to Skip, she totally misinterpreted as a heart to heart with herself. Then again the vision hadn’t shown her any danger- just that she loved Angel, though considering the events that could be considered a danger to her heart. But, there was no danger or warning about Wolfram & Hart.
And the other one? Angelus didn’t appear, isn’t going to now that Wesley found the alternate curse. So, it must have been a dream. Except….what she saw did happen and her recall ability was indicative to a vision not a dream. Cordelia had been chained to an iron bed, definitely taunted by Angelus' smirking face, but it wasn’t Angelus. Cordelia thought back to the vision, reliving it in her mind as it first appeared - Angel and Angelus alternating in their abuse and love, Angel doing the violence, then Angelus doing the love and back and forth and vice versa. Cordelia shook her head. Why would the Powers want her to know that Angel was just pretending to be Angelus? Or was she wrong again? Cordelia pictured Angel sitting on her couch confirming with a single statement, ‘I am Angelus’. Cordelia struck her head on the headboard. Why the fuck would the Powers what her to know that.
She was vision girl- she wasn’t supposed to NOT understand her visions. Geez. Cordelia swung her legs off the bed.
Well, the Powers weren’t coming to her, so she would just have to go to them. Cordelia pushed though the items in her desk drawer pulling out a slip of paper -the Power’s local home address.
Cordelia had copied it from the paper that Lorne had given Angel, after she found out how Angel was able to talk to the Conduits when she was in her birthday coma. Cordelia figured that Angel shouldn’t be the only one to know -not that she had planned on using it before -getting up close and personal with the Powers wasn’t her idea of fun. But this was getting serious. Two visions, she had either misunderstood or misinterpreted, granted that wasn’t a lot considering the tons she got right but still, Cordelia didn’t like the idea that in those particular visions she or Angel had been the subject. And more importantly, going to the Conduits gave Cordelia something to do other than think about what was really scrambling her thoughts and feelings. Hell, it wasn’t like she could sleep.
Part 26
Fred wandered around the empty hotel. She probably should just go upstairs to bed and try to catch a few more hours of sleep before the dawn turned into late morning. The problem was she wasn’t really tired but rather kind of anxious. Fred frowned, she shouldn’t be anxious. Everything was turning out all right; in fact, things were better than they had been in forever. Angel was back, soul soon to be secure permanently, Cordelia was back, they were in love -and could be happy, Wesley was back, Lorne was back, Connor was sort of back, hanging around and watching, but at least not trying to dump his father in a deep hole or ocean anymore. Things were on the way up.
Fred paced in wide circles, her frown still pronounced. All should be good, except Cordelia hadn’t been happy. Fred was more than a little surprised that when Cordy asked her to take her home the other woman meant her apartment rather than the hotel. Shoot, Cordy had been spending most nights at the hotel with Angel when he didn’t have a anchored soul, now that he did, or would as soon as Wesley did the spell, she didn’t want to. It didn’t make any sense and Fred didn’t like it when things weren’t logical. Even the most supernatural and weird things had some sort of logic to them, but Cordy being so sad now wasn’t logical.
Fred blew out a deep burst of air. Well, she wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway until she knew that the guys were safe. Fred flopped down at her computer. If she couldn’t decipher Cordelia’s long sad silence, then Fred would focus on something productive rather than the confusing and worrisome.
Determined Fred sat at her computer and re-registered for detective classes, though this time she would stick with the on-line course. She didn’t want to be kicked out again for missing too many classes. Fred grimaced. She hated that. Fred never-ever-ever had skipped classes before. Fred sighed. Of course, she hadn’t had demons to investigate or zombies to trap when she was in high school or at the university.
Fred looked up as Wesley and Gunn entered the hotel. Her eyes widen when she saw Connor follow then her brows scrunched. “Where’s Angel. Shouldn’t he be running in- or did he go the sewers, but I didn’t see him come in. Where’s Angel?”
Wesley put down his bag of weapons. “He’s not here?”
“No one’s here. Cordelia wanted to go her apartment, which I don’t understand and Lorne’s not here either- I guess, he wanted to stay with the Furies,” Fred shrugged. "Which I don't understand, either."
“I do and so not the picture I needed,” Gunn grumbled from the weapon’s cabinet. “Told you, Wes, Angel took the sewer-cut to Cordy’s.”
Wesley rubbed at his forehead. “I just commented that I didn’t think he would as the spell hasn’t been performed yet.”
“Man, I wasn’t saying he was jumping her bones and bumping and grinding.”
“Charles,” Fred cocked her head towards Connor’s narrowed stare. “Connor, are you hungry, we’ll could go get breakfast, or Charles, maybe you could go get some breakfast burritos. Connor, you’ll like them, they’re delicious.” Fred finished quickly, hoping to divert the teenager’s attention from Gunn and his comment.
“I was hoping to get some sleep, girl. Oh, all right,” Gunn shrugged at Fred’s stare, perching on the corner of her desk.
Connor tugged on Gunn’s sleeve. “Why would Angel jump Cordelia’s bones, you said he didn’t lose his soul. What do you mean? What’s bumping and grinding?”
“He didn’t- that-,” Gunn cleared his throat. “Look, kid, I’ll teach you how to drive, but the ‘jumping bones and bumping and grinding’ that’s daddy talk.”
“Charles, really,” Wesley shook his head. “Connor, what Charles meant was….that…..that,” Wesley started to stutter, "that is a topic that should be explained by your father.”
“That’s what I said.” Gunn gestured in the air.
“Charles, weren’t you on your way out to get breakfast,” Fred cut in shaking her head.
“Sure, probably won’t see Angel or Cordelia until tonight.”
“No,” Wesley shook his head. “The spell must be done if they….”
“Wesley, Geez, calm down. Why are you always so paranoid.” Fred chastised.
“I’m not, it’s that….”
“Wes, they aren’t going too risk anything now.”
“I would feel more secure if….”
“Angel’s here.”
“Right, I would feel…. OH,” Wesley turned to where Fred was pointing. “Angel, you’re here.”
Angel ignored Wesley and stared at his son. “Connor,…..you…are you staying, are you hungry? How are you?”
Connor pulled back at the direct questions.
“Of course, he’s hungry, Charles was about to go out and get us all some breakfast.”
“Oh, okay, good.” Angel nodded. He moved towards the stairs, pausing before he went up. “If you tired after you can stay.”
“Angel, when do you want to do the spell, it isn’t something that should be put off too long.”
Angel paused again. “Later.”
“Angel…”
“Not now, Wesley. I’m not in a happy mood, so don’t worry.” Angel said sharply continuing his ascent up to his room.
Gunn smacked at Wesley’s arm. “Dawg, told you that something was wrong with him.”
Wesley’s puzzled gaze followed the somber vampire. “Probably still just a little overwhelmed about the concept and mad at Wolfram & Hart.”
“Right, keep on telling yourself that.” Gunn said. “Hey, kid, you want to go with me to pick up the grub, I’ll go over the basics of driving my baby on the way.”
“You’ll let me drive?” Connor tore his eyes from the retreating back of his father.
“I didn’t say that, I said I’d go over the basics.”
“Oh, alright.”
* * *
Angel turned away from the sight below. His son was home- well, at least going to stay and eat breakfast with his family. His son was slowly accepting them, and maybe also Angel. The vampire should be happy. But, all he could think about was Cordelia. The brief flicker of hope that descended over him when Cordelia couldn’t hide her worry about him going out in the sun disappeared as he wandered the sewers back to the hotel. Like he thought before not wishing him dead wasn’t the same as forgiving him and still loving him.
The heavy curtains blocked out all light, sinking the room into darkness. Angel stared at the wall of his bedroom remembering and reliving each action and each word that he used as a weapon against Cordelia too make her fear real. Was it possible she could understand why he did it? Angel thought back to the sight of the hurt and angry young woman, first terrified chained to the bed, and then watching him with untouchable pain and coldness at his attempt to explain. Angel winced his eyes closed at the imagines. Cordelia in pain was never a sight he could stand and to know that he was the one to cause that look of betrayal on her beautiful face had him wishing for the sun’s blaze.
Angel’s fingers clenched into tight fists, truthfully though he didn’t have much doubt that Cordelia could understood why he did it. What he was truley afraid of was that it wouldn’t be enough for her to forgive or to accept. Angel swore when he was allowed into Cordy’s apartment that he would tell the truth, no evasions, and no excuses. But god, Angel wished he hadn’t explained about his mark and its implication. How was Cordelia ever going to accept that? Angel should’ve just let it remain as a meaningless act done under the guise of Angelus.
Angel’s intense gaze centered on the clock, Cordy said he would see her tomorrow. It was tomorrow now, so when did she mean? Angel leaned back in his chair. He had to be patient.
Part 27
Cordelia pushed at the brick wall, kicking at the solid barrier when nothing happened. She read the slip of paper again. Scrunching up her brow, Cordelia scanned the red bricks closer; taking another look at the paper she placed her fingertips on the obscure marks and pushed reciting the words written. Cordelia fell forward meeting no more resistance as she tumbled downward.
“Ow,” Cordelia pulled herself up to her feet, brushing off her pants as she looked around. It looked exactly the same as when Skip showed her Angel pleading to the Conduits. Well, actually, when he called her weak and not a hero. Cordelia scrunched up her face…Angel called her a rich girl from Sunnydale. Hmmph. It was that show and tell which convinced her to take the Powers offer of her life as it should’ve been in an angry hurt huff. Cordelia rolled her eyes. She should’ve known that Angel hadn’t meant it like she heard. She wondered why Skip even brought her there to only show a misleading portion of Angel’s conversation. Geez, had the Powers not wanted her to choose Angel.
Cordelia’s head spun around and her body twirled as words floated on a sudden brisk breeze.
“It does not belong here, we did not call it. Leave.” The chanting repeated.
Cordelia pushed against the wind that pressed her towards the wall. “Hey, stop it. I’m not going anywhere until I get some answers and I’m not an ‘it’.” She shouted.
“Answers can not be told but must be realized. Choices must be made as choices have been made. We can not help it.”
“ Choices, what kind of choices. I’ve made choices. I chose demon DNA. I chose the visions. I chose the mission. I think I deserve some answers and stop calling me IT.”
“ Its value to the mission has been compromised. Its strength has been compromised.”
Cordelia narrowed her eyes, picking a spot in the empty chamber to glare at. “Compromised? What are you talking about? A stop shouting in the wind, you’re making me dizzy.”
“Cordelia.” Skip emerged from the wall, the wind and voices stopping at his appearance.
The young woman blinked backing up. “Oh, no you don’t. I’m not falling for that one again. How do I know you're real and not some other Disney version of cute evilness?”
The large bronze demon rolled his eyes. “Cordelia, you are in the presence of the Conduits, the good guys.”
“Hmmph. Right. And Wolfram & Hart abducted me with major glowiness and floating. I’m not reassured.”
“Cordelia, would Wolfram & Hart know that my favorite movie is Matrix with Trinity all dodging and kicking and that Gladiator was overrated,” Repeating parts of his and Cordelia’s conversation when he was guiding her in the construct of the Mall, during her birthday coma.
“Maybe, how can I know for sure?”
Skip let out a deep breath. “How about this… Small town girl/In the big time world- kuh-kuh-kuh- Cordy/kuh-kuh-kuh-Cordy/Design’ fashion is her life’s passion Kuh-kuh-kuh-Cordy/kuh-kuh-kuh-Cordy/Forget Gucci, Prada and Versace…..,” singing the words to opening of Cordy, the TV show that had made Cordelia famous in her alternate life.
Cordelia covered her ears. “Eww, you suck, you’re worse than Angel in the singing department.”
“Hey,” Skip huffed offended.
“Skip, why are you here?”
“You were getting dizzy, so, here I am.”
“Look, all I want to know is what did my visions mean, the one of me and the one of Angelus.”
“What do you think they meant?”
“If I knew, I wouldn’t be here.” Cordelia rolled her eyes.
“Cordelia, I can’t tell you, the Conduits can’t.”
“Won’t you mean.” Cordelia kicked at the ground.
“Whatever,” Skip shrugged.
Cordelia starting pacing and shaking her head, “ the vision of me- how could that possibly be interpreted as a warning about Wolfram & Hart. How? It was just me saying I love Angel.”
“Who says Wolfram & Hart was the threat?”
“Ah Duh, little evil Pollyanna, torture for a month. Definitely a threat that should’ve been avoided.”
“Really Cordelia, have warnings about Wolfram & Hart’s plans been the norm?”
Cordelia scrunched up her face trying to remember one time she had a vision of an actual plan of the law firms, one where she ended up as the victim. She couldn’t remember getting the big old warning when Vocah or that big-headed-freak messed with her brain. “If it wasn’t that…why would I be warned about loving Angel? Was the vision telling me that I don’t, reverse psychologically crap- but that’s stupid, I do love Angel. That doesn’t make any sense.” Cordelia looked to the big demon for answers.
Skip shook his head, shrugging.
“Damn you.” Cordelia grumbled. “Why would I be warned about loving Angel or that he was Angelus? Sure, I could understand getting a vision of Angelus to warn us not to go to Anita’s if that was what happened, but it’s not. Angelus didn’t make an appearance.”
“You didn’t heed either of them.”
“I know, but the first made no sense as a vision and the second, well, I just….was wrong in that I thought it was a nightmare. I was having a lot of them at the time….anyway, that’s beside the point, the question is why have a vision warning me of a non-existent danger.”
“Was it non-existent, Angelus did appear.”
“No, that was Angel pretending to be Angelus, he never lost his soul.”
“Pretending?”
“He didn’t lose his soul.”
“But was he pretending to be Angelus?”
“He…” Cordelia started to repeat her statement, but huffed instead at Skip’s meaning behind his question. “No. He was and is Angelus. Fine, I get that. But, Angelus or Angel or THAT vampire- if you really want to be simple-, isn’t a danger to me or the mission, if THAT vampire has a soul and Angel did, does, and will for good now.”
“Really?”
“What’s with all the questions? Angel has his soul, he wouldn’t….” Cordelia took a deep breath and studied Skip. “I wish I could believe that last question of doubt was a warning that Wesley’s spell wasn’t any good but it wasn’t was it. The Powers were warning me about Angel- short and simple. They want me to doubt him- even with his permanent soul, they want me to doubt him.” Cordelia shook her head. “ Wow. Little evil Pollyanna wasn't so far off in her impersonation of the Powers. Why do the Powers want me to doubt Angel? They chose him as their champion- nobody could argue he begged for the job."
Skip shook his head. “Not to doubt, Cordelia, but to prepare you and to give you the chance to choose NOT to set certain unpredictable wheels in motion, too choose NOT to love the champion. It has been foretold that the vampire with a soul will play a major role in the upcoming Apocalypse, but his exact role has not been defined. It will be defined by the choices he makes and now by the choices you will make.”
Cordelia blinked, wondering if she was the only sane person in the world. “The Powers wanted me NOT to love Angel- that’s what the first vision was about? Uh? A lot late and NOT effective in getting the point across.”
“Had you understood, you could’ve chosen not to tell him.”
“Whose fault was that…the vision wasn’t actually clear or scary rather it was pretty damn encouraging and bringing to light what I had been denying for god knows how long. Maybe they should’ve sent the ‘Angelus’ vision first. At least that would’ve been scary.” Cordelia rubbed her face. “But even if they had it wouldn’t have really changed anything. I would still have loved Angel.”
“Yes, unfortunately. Loving the champion has complicated and compromised the mission. The Power’s feel that a wrong choice on your part now could affect the vampire’s future choices possibly detrimentally.”
“Hold on- The Powers didn’t WANT me to love Angel, but now that I do- they’re emotionally blackmailing me to forgive him so as not to upset any future decisions on Angel’s part regarding the mission, that’s what your saying isn’t it? Geez, I thought you couldn’t tell me what my visions meant, I wish you had kept to that story.”
Skip shrugged. “You love the vampire with a soul- the Power’s champion, you told him, he now needs you in a way that was not expected or acceptable, yet, it has been done. In your decision to love the champion, you have allowed yourself to become his greatest weakness. You must be prepared to live with the consequences of your choices. You must not upset the balance of matters anymore than you already have.”
“I’m so outta of here, you can toss me through the walls anytime now.” Cordelia waved angrily into the air.
“Cordelia.” Skip cautioned in a loud stern tone.
“Skip, you were right the first time, the Powers have no comprehension about love. Angel won’t accept a forced forgiveness from me.”
“I thought you understood the warrior’s need for you. He did tell you did he not. It is your rejection that must be feared -that is what could upset the balance of things as they are.”
“Get me outta here. It was a mistake to come.”
“Cordelia, your choice….”
“Is my choice, free will and all that if it screws up fate or destiny, tough. You’ll know my decision when I make it.”
“Cordelia.” Skip warned.
“I’ve heard and now I’m ignoring.”
“Cordelia.” The big demon repeated.
“Skip. I'm not listening."
“Fine.”
In a flash Cordelia was back in her apartment.
Cordelia stomped around, mumbling and kicking the sofa. Stupid Powers. Cordelia flopped on the cushions. She wasn’t going to be forced into anything, not by the Powers or by Angel.
Continue on...