Title: Live and Let Die
Author: Angellicious
Posted: 11-09-2003
Email: cmiller426@yahoo.com
Rating: NC-15 for some strong language
Category:
Content:
Summary:
Spoilers: Season 5
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Anywhere, just let me know where it is please.
Notes:
Feedback: Please and Thank you.
Thanks/Dedication: A big thank you to Deb, those 2 words, 'Damn You!' made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And thanks to Darla for her support. This is my first finished fic, ever.“You are so beautiful.” Angel brushed the back of his hand along the side of Cordelia’s face, while his other hand gently held her hand that lay aside of her, softly caressing her supple skin.
“God, Cordy, there is so much going on here. I’m sorry for not coming to see you more than I have lately. This place..this place is crazy.” He said eying the IV she was hooked up to. Her lifeline. The only thing possibly keeping her alive. He looked over to the head of her bed; where the heart monitor stood. He watched the steady but slow rhythm of her heartbeat, and at the same time listening to the light thumping. He treasured each beat; music to his ears. Comforting. She couldn’t talk to him, but sitting there listening to the rhythm of her heart soothed his nerves, even if only a little.
“There are moments when I think to myself, ‘what have I done’? We fought against everything and everyone this place stands for, for years, and now here I am, in charge.” Angel paused for a moment to wipe his brow, a look of torment and pain drawn across his face. He was struggling. Struggling to fight back the emotions, the pain, and the tears.
“I keep asking myself what you would say to all of this. Sometimes I swear I can hear you screaming at me for making the biggest fuck up ever. God Cordy! I wish you were here. I work in probably the most powerful building around, I have access to powerful magic, millions of books, and I can’t even find a way to fix you, to bring you back to me, to us.” Angel closed his eyes, willing away the tears that threatened to fall down his grief stricken face. He willed for strength, comfort, hope, anything that would bring Cordelia back to him. The threatening tears began to fall, washing away any ounce of strength he was building up. He clutched onto her hand with both of his large hands, engulfing hers in a massive embrace, and he wept. He bowed his head at her side and wept.
“Damnit Cordy, I need you! I don’t…I can’t go on like this, with you here, like this.”
Maybe it was his vampire senses, maybe it was his soul that held the piece of his humanity, he wasn’t sure. But he sensed something in the room. His head shot up and he saw a dim light across the room getting brighter with every beat of her heart, so it seamed. It was a warm, glowing, inviting light. The sight before him seemed to be forming something. Drawing a hand to his eyes to block out the bright, shining light, he heard the most unusual, yet sweetest sound.
“Angel.” A soft-spoken voice came forth just as the light was transformed into the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. She was basking in the warm light; it surrounded her and made her more beautiful than she had ever been, if that was even possible. He glanced down to the woman before him, on the bed. She was still the same, no movement as usual, but he still could tell she was alive. His eyes shot up to her double, standing across the room, with a smile on her gorgeous face, the same trademark smile he had grown to love over the years. Her smile was so bright, it seemed to outshine her basking glow.
“Angel.” She repeated herself. He was in such shock he could barely find words to speak.
“Cor…but… how?…..Cordelia?!” Angel was baffled, to say the least. He thought if this was some trick the senior partners were throwing at him, he did not find it funny, and there would be hell to pay.
“It is me Angel, well, another form of me anyway. Angel, it is so good to see you.” She started walking across the room towards him. Walking so lightly it seemed as if she were floating. The closer she came to him, the more at ease he felt. All it took was one look into her beautiful eyes, and he knew it was her.
“I don’t understand. How can you be here in this bed, in a coma, and be standing right in front of me talking? Cordy?”
She walked to her human body, on the opposite side of Angel, and gazed upon herself, lying there motionless, her smile faded, and sadness crept upon in replacement.
“You know, I can hear you when you talk to me, every time you visit me, here. And I can feel you when you touch me. It’s the most wonderful feeling, when you hold my hand, touch my face, kiss my cheek. I wish I could maneuver my body to react to it all, but I can’t, Angel. And that is why I’m here, well, like this anyway,” she said pointing at her weightless form. She gazed upon his face, he looked spooked, shocked, and scared, all rolled into one.
“Cordy? What’s going on?” He got up from the bedside and barreled around the bed to embrace her in a hug, only to find out that he passed right through her. He turned around and almost doubled over in pain, not physical pain, emotional pain. All he wanted was to be able to touch her and for her to return his embrace.
“Angel, you can hold me, hug me, and kiss me, but you have to do it to the part of me that lies in the bed. I know, creepy huh? But trust me Angel, this will be your last chance.”
“What do you mean last chance? Please, tell me what’s going on!” He desperately pleaded with her.
“Angel, my body is about to die.” She saw his mouth practically drop to the floor in a million pieces. She held up her hand to silence his words before he spoke them. It was hard enough for her to face him, and she only wanted to get it all out with being interrupted.
“It’s kinda a long complicated story, so bear with me, please.” He nodded in agreement and took his seat next to her almost lifeless body, returning his position to holding onto her hand.
“I won’t go into the whole Jasmine story, since, you had front row seats and all, you know what happened. My being in this coma was also planned. But this plan will turn out to be a good one. I know, I got royally screwed over by the powers with the Jasmine saga. You see, ever since I went into the coma, the powers have been training me. I’m being trained for a higher power, Angel. This was their plan all along. They don’t need my body, which is actually a nice change of pace.” Angel saw a glint of excitement in her, but he refrained his questions until she finished her story.
“I am going to get the chance to really do some good Angel. Help the helpless, save souls, avert apocalypses, just from a different place, not down here. And not by your side. I don’t want you to be sad Angel, I want you to be happy for me. This is what I want to do. Maybe not at first, but I’ve accepted my fate. You have taught me so much over the years, Angel. When I first came to L.A. I was still Queen C, bitch of Sunnydale. You taught me what helping others was all about. You showed me that I could be a better person. You showed me what true friendship and family was, Angel. Maybe not intentionally, but nonetheless, you did. And, Angel, you…you showed me what it was to love, I mean, really love. And I love you Angel. I love you so much, I’ve never known true love for another, not like I love you.”
“I don’t know if I did all of that for you Cordy, I think most of it was you. I’m nobody special, and you know I’ve never thought of myself that way. You too, showed me what it was to be a family, a friend, and a warrior, and not just because you had the visions either. I don’t know why you are doing this, I’m not sure I understand any of it, Cordy, but, I know it’s right. I can see it in your eyes. I can see you’re determined and excited.” Just then Angel broke down and sobbed.
“I love you, Cordelia. And not just because you are my best friend. It hurts…..it hurts to think that we could have had something, we could have shared our love.” He felt like he barely got those words out, he was going to lose the woman he loves, and he knew there was nothing he could do about that. He had to accept it, and that stung more than any sword or dagger that pierced his body.
“Shhh, Angel. I know. You have to trust me. Trust me that I am doing the right thing, because I know in my heart of hearts that it’s right.” Her heart was breaking for him. She hated to see him in so much pain, but she knew with time he would heal, and he would accept it, and move on.
“You have been with me since we both came to L.A, Cordy, how can I go on without you? It doesn’t feel right. I feel like there was a big whole dug out of me, and I don’t know how to fill it. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’ve made a mistake. Once again I’ve fucked things up! I need you here to yell at me, tell me I’m a huge ass for screwing things up. You’re my rock, my foundation.”
“You have made bad choices in the past, Angel, I have the mental scars to prove it, but you will make it through this. I don’t necessarily agree with your choice of joining your archenemy, but I believe you will do the right thing when the time comes. There is so much good in you, Angel. You have the biggest, unbeating heart, the kindest soul in anyone I’ve ever met. You’re going to go on and fight the baddies, and save the world, many times. You will. It’s what you do, Angel. I promise you, it will all be worth it. You’re going to go on living, as alive as a vampire with a soul can, and you’re going to let me die knowing that it’s what’s for the best, the best for all involved. This is my destiny, Angel.”
“How do you do that? How do you have so much confidence in me? You’ve always come back with your pep talks and made me see the light. You instill so much in me, Cordy.”
“What can I say? I’m Cordelia Chase! I know things. I’m a people person.” She gave him that bright, saccharine sweet smile. The smile that always melted his heart into a puddle.
“That you are, Cordelia Chase. You are an amazing woman. You never cease to amaze me.” He smiled back at her, he couldn’t help it. For years he found comfort in her talks, and her smile. Sure there were times when he would wish she hadn’t been such a chatterbox, but right now, in this moment, he wouldn’t have it any other way. He had never known such a woman. He looked down from her radiant figure to her other self on the bed, and saw a tear fall from coma Cordy’s eye. He went to brush away the stray tear, but pulled his thumb back and let it fall. He didn’t want to wipe it away, he knew she was grieving as well, he knew this was hard for her too, and right now he could feel her love so greatly. Her love for him filled the room, it was so thick he could practically taste it. It was just then, when he looked between the two, that he knew all to well that this was as real as it gets. He had to let her go.
“Angel? It’s time for me to go.” She gave him a semi-sympathetic look that told him she felt his pain, as she had pain of her own. She was going to leave him behind. Part of her didn’t want to, the very part that wished beyond all wishes that the past year never happened, that they could of made their feelings for each other known, that they could of basked in love with each other, even if only for a short time. The other part of her knew this was the way it was to be, and that part accepted the deal, lock, stock, and barrel. That part had seen things beyond what a normal person like her formal self would see. That part knew a little something about destiny, and the future, and that eased and comforted the part that wanted to stay with him.
“God, you are so beautiful, Cordelia Chase. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on,” he said looking at the Cordy that lay in the hospital bed, when he spoke those words. He put his arm over her stomach, and leant over and gave her a kiss on the lips. He then whispered into her ear, “I love you, and I will never forget my love for you, and I will never, ever forget you.” The tears fell from his face like a steady rain shower, landing on hers, wetting her face with all of his love.
“I love you too, Angel, and I will never forget you either.” She watched Angel kiss and lovingly touch her almost lifeless body, and she felt every ounce of his touch, and heard his ever-sweet words. She closed her eyes and basked in his touch, and breathed in his scent, one last time.
He looked up at her bright spirit, and gave her a smile, and nodded in agreement at her leaving. He then returned to his sleeping woman, and embraced her in his loving arms.
Cordelia’s spirit waved her arm above her sleeping body. With that Cordelia entered her eternal sleep. The heart monitor flat lined, and Angel could no longer hear her heart beat.
The warm, bright light faded out, leaving the room only lit with a single lamp by her bedside. Angel felt a soft, warm breeze pass by him, and he felt slight warmth on his cheek, as if someone was palming his face. Someone was. The warmth faded after a few seconds. Angel rested his head down on her now chilling body, faintly muttering ‘I love you’s’, and wept.
End.