Title: A Thank You From Wherever
Author: Christie (Angelicgal82)
E-mail: mail@cbaird82.freeserve.co.uk
Spoilers: Lullaby
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Darla reflects from "wherever" after her death. Her last death - y'know, the one in Lullaby.
Distribution: Florrie's ST site, anywhere else - just tell me where it's going.
Pairing: Not really A/C (there is a little bit, but not a lot) but I just wanted your honest opinion - where better to post it than Purple Heaven?
Dedication: To my Dad. *I love you, I will always love you.* That's pretty much it.

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*You always did love a view.*

Those first words were enough to break me. Enough to make me realise that I loved the child I carried inside of me. I knew before, but I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to pretend that all I wanted - was it out of me. It...

*You called him a he. I think that's the first time you've ever done that.*

He wasn't a *he* until I came to you. He was a thing. A thing growing inside me and making me weak - giving me a soul... His soul. Part of yours. He could be prophecised to become the first child to walk among the new world and that wouldn't be what made him special. You. Or is that we? The first good thing we've ever done together - you and I. The only good thing you and I have ever done together.

I don't know where I am. But I'm not in Hell. Perhaps, that last thing I did - was enough to tip the scales. I know peace, Angelus... Angel. I know peace. I found it when I carried my son. I found love, instead of hatred. I found life. My heart beat in my chest just a short while ago - and yet I hated it. But hearing his inside of me - was more than I could ever imagined. I loved him. I loved him more than I ever loved anything. I said I loved you, that I gave you everything inside of me. I truly have.

You told me that my second chance was a gift. That I'd been given this and nothing could take it away again. And yet, if it hadn't happened - perhaps our child would never have been born. Our darling boy. I've had a third chance. Most people aren't lucky enough to get two. I got three and all, ironically, were with you. I thought for certain I was dust when I bit her. You love her, I see it in your eyes like I saw it with the Slayer and it's easier to admit now. She cares about you, she'd never damn you like I did. In my own way, I loved you, Angel. It's so much easier calling you that now... Not Angelus, nor Daddy, or Darling Boy - because there's another Darling boy in our life. Well, in yours. Am I bitter? No. Glad. Glad to be out of that life so I can't hurt my child. I remember lying, touching my stomach and hoping beyond it all, that you'd protect our son from me.

Protect our son from his mother. Not exactly the scenario for a happy family, is it? Me calling "Honey, I'm home" coming through the door with blood on my lips. It's not good enough for you and it never will be for him.

You understand why, don't you? You understood that for him to be born, I had to die. For him to live, I had to be out of this world. You understand that had Holtz seen me there, he would have certainly killed us both without a second thought to our child. In a way, I saved us all tonight - the rain poured down on us and I made a decision. In an alley...

In an alley that could be considered like the one you were first 'born' in. In an alley like the one I damned you in. You said I damned you. I did.

This child, Angel - it's the one good thing we did together.

It's the only good thing I ever did. I wanted to get rid of him. I wanted the soul out of me - I hated that I held part of you, I hated that I felt anything. Life without a soul was easy, not caring... Not feeling.

Life with him was a blessing. For the last part of my life, he *was* my soul and I hope that for the remainder of your un-life, he'll be your soul, your light, the thing that keeps him going. And ultimately? I hope he'll be the thing that keeps you going.

They say demons can't feel love? They're wrong. For I loved him. It might have been his soul that made me love him... But it truly was the best feeling in the world. Thank you. Thank you for giving me that chance. Thank you from wherever I may be.

Look after him Angel. Look after him like I know you will, like I know you can.

Darla

End.