Title: The Home Is Where The Heart Is
Author: Angelicgal82
Posted: 08-20-2002
Rating: R
Email: mail@cbaird82.freeserve.co.uk
Content: Cordelia/Angel, who else? Okay, so there's a little bit of Groo/Cordelia... *ducks for cover*
Summary: Cordelia comes home from her vacation with Groo and finds heartache in the hotel.
Spoilers: Everything up to and including Double or Nothing.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Anywhere, just tell me where it's going.
Notes: The song in this fic is called "You'll Never Be Alone" and can be found on the album called Freak of Nature by Anastacia. I called the series "The Home Is Where The Heart Is" because of something Lorne said in Double or Nothing. "Home is where the heart is, but these hearts are broken."
Feedback: Feedback is my drug - totally harmless, addictive and fun!
Dedication: To my sister for showing me the three songs that will be featured in this series. And to Lisa, for being my ever-wonderful 'fic-overseer' and suggesting the way in which I should write this one. 'Tis because of her you guys receive this...Part 1
"You are excited, Princess." He smiles, "It pleases me." A lot of things about me please Groo - more than I thought possible. He tells me every day that my smile is brighter than the suns in Pylea - both of them. He calls me Princess...
And I have butterflies in my stomach, because I'm going home. I get to see Connor after being away what feels like a lifetime. Okay, so I needed the break and I enjoyed it. Who wouldn't? Sitting on a beach, getting a great tan, being pampered like a Princess from another dimension (and believe me, I'd know) and the sex. Well, it's good. Better than good. He's so attentive, so loving and mine. Groo's mine. My knight in shining armour...
We pull up to the hotel and the butterflies feel like bats - I guess I missed this place more than I thought, a whole lot more than I thought. Groo pays the cab driver, wishing him a safe journey and helps me and my many bags from the cab. I insisted on coming here, how could I not? I can't wait to see Angel's face when he sees the stuff I got for Connor - he's gonna go postal, well, not totally, 'cause that would be kinda scary but... He's gonna love it.
"We're back!" I call as I come down the steps, "And we're bearing gifts!" Gifts for Connor, Lorne, Fred and...
"What happened?" They're scaring me. The place looks so dark, so unbelievably lifeless that it makes me want to cry. Where's Connor? Angel? The butterflies weren't because I'd missed this place - I knew something was wrong. Very wrong...
"Cordelia..." Fred looks at me and her eyes are brimming with tears. I wasn't here and something happened. Something bad...
"It's Connor." With two words, my world has fallen apart and the only thing I can cling to is that there's someone upstairs who needs my help. I can't fall apart because he needs me. I can fall apart later, at home, in Groo's arms...
"What happened?" I ask again. Why are they being so cryptic about this? And where's Wesley?
"Oh..." I whisper. Groo's walking towards me and he makes to put a hand on me, to comfort me. But there's someone here that needs it more than I ever will and right now, that's the only thing I can give him...
The world is changing
and time is spinning fast
it's so amazing how you came into my life
I know it seems all hope is gone
I know you feel you can't be strong
and once again the story ends with you and I
I make my way to his room, afraid of what I'll find. There's nothing I can say to make it better, so what do I hope to achieve by going up there? Nothing - I just want him to know that I'm there, that if he wants to, he can turn to me - just like I've been able to turn to him for as long as I can remember.
And anytime you feel like you just can't go on
just hold on to my love
and you'll never be alone
He doesn't turn, nor speak. At first, I don't think he can see me... All he does is sit there, staring at Connor's cot and I can feel the tears spring to my eyes. "I'm so sorry." I whisper, leaning my head on his shoulder. God help me, but I'm being selfish - drawing comfort from his presence because the child I loved like a son is gone. And hoping, more than anything I've ever hoped for before, that I'm giving some kind of comfort to Angel. His gaze drifts and I know, he sees me, he knows I'm here for him. Right now, that's enough.
* * * * *
I stayed here all night, right behind him. Moving slightly on the bed to wrap my arms around him. Angel's strong, he's always been strong, but right now, he needs somebody. I know I'm not that somebody - I know that all Angel wants is his son, back in his arms again where he belongs but we both know and don't want to come to terms with the fact that Connor's gone. Taken by a man we all loved and trusted. I don't understand why - a Prophecy, they said. I want to go to Wesley, ask him why. But to do that, would be to betray Angel - there are no questions from him, only anger and I can't blame him...
"Princess?" The voice behind me makes me turn and I move, away from Angel only intending to be away a moment as Groo hands some clothes to me, some food - my favourite. Pizza. I smile and he returns it, bringing up his hand to brush against my cheek. "You are a good friend. Staying with him at his time of need is all we can hope to do in a situation like this."
I smile... And I nod, because I know that I can't make it better. I can just be with him. "Thank you." I say quietly, gesturing to the clothes and the pizza.
"You hurt too Princess. When will it be your time to grieve?" I don't explain to him that it's already here, because I know Groo will want to be here. The only place I want to be right now, is with Angel... The only place I can imagine myself being at a time like this is with him. He needs me and though I know that I can grieve later, part of me is grieving now, with him.
"I should get changed." Groo knows I've avoided the question, but he just smiles and leans forward, brushing his lips against my forehead.
"I am downstairs, should you or Angel require anything."
"I know." Groo leaves and I turn back to Angel, watching him for a moment... He's just sitting there, staring at Connor's crib. I wonder if he's trying to torture himself, wondering 'If I'd been a bit quicker, then maybe...' Those are what hurt the most. The maybes, the what if's and the shoulda, coulda woulda's... If I'd been here, would Wesley have come to me with this? If I'd been here, would this ever have happened? Would he have took Connor?
The sigh leaves my lips and I leave Angel again, just for a moment, going to the bathroom to change.
Hold on
we can make it through the fire
and my love
I'm forever by your side
and you know
if you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
you'll never be alone
"Angel?" I ask softly, moving forward. I'm showered now and changed. "I'm right here, okay?" He's lying on the bed now, just staring at the ceiling and I know now, that he is torturing himself with this. He still hasn't spoken, not since I came back - I don't expect him to. If it were me, I'd probably be crying like a baby in his arms. But this isn't me, this is him. And Angel has to work through this the only way he knows how to work through something this bad. Alone. And that's what hurts the most.
Hopeless to describe
the way I feel for you
no matter how I try
words would never do
I looked into your eyes to find
as long as love is alive
there ain't nothing we can't make it through
I dozed off - when, I don't know - I guess I must have been more tired than I thought. Sitting watching your best friend go through something like this is the hardest thing I've ever done, probably ever will do. I swear, I only closed my eyes for just a second and...
"I think he was gonna be left handed..." I open my eyes to find Angel, still just sitting there, but this is the first time he's spoke. I move, sit up in the chair and lean forward. Is this the calm before the storm? Will he lash out? Yell? Scream... Cry? "The way he would hold on to your fingers? His left hand always squeezed just a little bit tighter -- Kid had a grip. He was gonna be a south paw for sure." Angel pauses and I stare, this isn't the calm before any storm. This is the storm. Quiet, ravaging... Inside. Where it really hurts.
"When you live as long as I do, you eventually lose everyone. I'm not saying you get used to it but - you expect it. You deal - but he was just... He was just a little..." Kid. I finish silently. He was just a little, innocent kid in all of this and he was taken away from you. You continue speaking and I want to hug you, Angel... I wish I could just make this all go away, I really do. We both know that I can't - you're opening up to me, but you're not expecting me to take it all away with a few words, a hug.
"You think you know something about living because you have this really long life. And that's really all we have, I mean, in my case anyway. And one day you wake up - and you have something else."
"A future." I say softly.
Angel pauses and I know exactly what he's going to say as soon as he opens his mouth. "I had a son."
Through the fire, by your side
I will be there for you so I'm, don't you worry
(and you know, I'll be there)
you'll never be alone
I move to sit beside him, because I can't leave him alone, not while he's hurting so much. I left him alone for two weeks and his world fell apart - I have to help, do what I can. And I know I will... Because of something I once said to Wesley. Angel's good. He helps the helpless and now? He's one of them.
"I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I know what you're going through or that I could begin to understand what it is you're feeling. The last thing you need right now is someone saying that given time things will get better or the hurt's gonna go away." I pause, because this - this very moment is the one that will either break Angel, or make him stronger. But I'm Cordelia Chase, still. Tact is not saying true stuff and right now, unless I give Angel the truth, I'm doing more harm than good. I can shelter him, let him hear what he wants to - that the hurt will go away. But this is Angel. I've never pulled any punches and I'm not about to start now. "Things won't get better. The hurt's never gonna go away. The truth is, if you lived another two hundred years, you'd never forget how Connor was taken away from you. And you shouldn't. You loved your son, Angel and you'll go on loving him, and missing him. You'll go on living too. You'll do that."
"I don't know how." He whispers.
He doesn't need to know how and I tell him that. I tell him that life will keep happening and there'll be people who need us and we'll help them too. Because that's us. That's what we do, what we've always done. The bad things come and we'll keep fighting because there's no one else.
Later that night, I stood outside his room. We'd help save Gunn from his fate of having his soul taken. We'd mended the relationship of Gunn and Fred and I'd had a couple of Groo smoochies along the way. And here I was, back again. Standing outside his room, prepared to spend another lifetime with Angel, if I had to, just to make him feel better, just to make him feel like he wasn't as alone as he thought.
As I stood there, I watched. He stared at the crib, God knows for how long, until he stepped forward and took the first step to living again. Slowly, he began to take apart the crib. It hurt me, more than I care to admit, so God only knows how much it hurt him. Did it feel like he was pulling himself apart with his bare hands? I'll never know and I'll never ask. Stepping backwards, I pulled the door shut behind me, never alerting him to my presence.
Anytime, or only for a while
don't worry
make a wish
I'll be there to see you smile
As I leave the hotel, arm in arm with Groo, I realise something. Today Angel taught me something I never knew about myself. Angel taught me that I don't need to use words, or Cordelia Chase tact. Sometimes, sometimes just being there, is enough. Sometimes, just letting someone know that you're there is the easiest way to helping someone you love.
As the tears slide down my cheeks and my own grieving process begins, I realise something else. Home is where the heart is. And though my heart is broken? Because of his presence, it's starting to heal. Not Groo's or Gunn's or Lorne's - Angel's. The pain I feel over losing Connor will never stop or go away, I don't think that'll ever happen.
But it doesn't hurt so much. And that's because of Angel.
I only hope that the time I spent with him, made Angel realise the same. He'll never be alone. Not while I'm here.
Part 2
The place looks different. I have to wonder how many lifetimes it's been since I stood here... Was it years ago? Months? Weeks? At first, I counted. Gave me something to down there, I counted in seconds... Then, I started counting backwards, just to keep myself from going crazy. Maybe I've gone. Part of me still doesn't want to believe that right now, I'm walking -- no, stumbling, I stumble -- after months of staying still, my legs are numb. My mind too. I babble a lot more. Not to people, haven't seen any - though I guess you wouldn't, down in a sewer. Right now, I remind me of Fred. Sweet, babbling Fred... I missed her.
Connor said that I was too good for death, he was right. The Powers didn't give Cordy a vision, I thought someone would come, but no-one did. No one came. I kept looking for her, kept seeing her sometimes, tasting her lips on mine... After a while, even the fish disappeared. Stopped coming to stare at the vampire banished underwater for all eternity. Has it been that long? An eternity? Could be...
Could be... I wouldn't even have known.
The sewer hatch pops open and for the first time in I don't know how long, I'm breathing air, fresh air. Nothing tinged with sewer stench, nothing with salt water... It's air. It's sweet and though I don't need it, this is something else I've craved. I didn't notice the craving until I had it back again - the one craving I had was stronger than anything else. It was her. I craved her scent, her touch, her smile... I craved her. Please let her be here. God help me, but I'm being selfish. Don't let her have moved on. Let her be mine, let her still feel whatever it was she felt that night. Let there be a reason for why she didn't save me, when she promised she'd always be there.
Let there be her.
Just let there be her...
My muscles creak and moan, just like the box did when finally, the bolts were coming undone. I tried at first, tried to force them open, to get out of there, to get to the beautiful vision I'd been seeing for weeks. Cordelia. When I felt the bolts slipping, I didn't want to believe it... Didn't want to believe it until finally, I could move my arms, until finally my legs were free -- my body was free of the confines that had kept me from the people I loved. It feels like now I'm here, as soon as I find someone solid to touch, to hold, it'll all crumble away and all that'll be there is me, just me. Alone again.
I fall into the hotel. Me, stealth guy. I fall into the lobby, hoping beyond anything that someone's there. I look. My eyes flit about the place, adjusting to the light and I speak, the first words I've spoken since I told my son I loved him, that I always would. I ask for Cordelia, I ask for anyone, but it ends with a cough. And then? There's a squeal...
I know who it is instantly - relief floods my body - and I finally let my muscles relax. God forgive me, but I let the darkness take me again. It's taken me a lifetime to get back here, where I try to belong and finally, I can rest...
* * * * *
I'm in a bed. Mine. It's good to have friends. I open my eyes and there she is, my beautiful vision girl. Cordelia. I reach out for her, pressing my hand against her cheek and - she grimaces? I guess I smell bad after all. "I love you..." I whisper, trying to clear my mind. "I wanted to tell you for so-"
"He's hallucinating." I hear Fred's voice and my vision clears. It's Fred, worried - afraid? Looking at Gunn. "He thinks I'm Cordelia..."
Gunn comes in the room, eyebrow raised, "He tried to kiss me before, y'think you've got problems?"
There must be a God because I certainly don't remember that. Moving, I struggle to sit up, feeling a hand flat against my chest, "Rest, Angel." Says Fred, softly.
"Yeah, man," Says Gunn, "You've been out for three days."
I look at them a moment, trying to memorise what this feels like. Something soft, instead of wood. Air instead of water. "Where's Cordelia?"
Her eyebrows knit together in the way that only Fred can frown and her eyes flit up to Gunn. Without realising it, a growl has slipped from my lips. "Where's Cordelia?"
"Gone..." Says Fred, "We got a call... A couple of days after you guys disappeared. The police had found her car... Cordy was gone."
Gone. Gone... Gone... Gone... Cordelia? She wouldn't just leave... Not Cordelia.
Somebody told me
you were not coming home
the words suspended in time
and the air suddenly went cold
I climb out of bed, to protests from Fred - a renewed sense of purpose, to move, to survive, to not sit there and wait for her to come to me. I'll go to her, I'll find her... And I'll tell her the thing that I've wanted to tell her forever. I love her. Only her. I need her. Only her.
"We have to do something," I say frowning. "Our contacts."
"We've been." Gunn looks at me like I'm stupid... Of course, I know they've tried. Fred's weary from trying, Gunn too. But I can't give up, not on Cordelia. Not when she never gave up on me. "Angel, she's gone."
"No." I shake my head, feeling anger flood my body. "I'm not giving up on her."
"You think we did?" Growls Gunn, "You think we gave up on either of you? Damnit, man - we used every resource in this hotel looking for you guys. For Connor..."
I look away, down. They looked for my son. That means he didn't come back. That means he's out there, thinking I killed Holtz. What if he's hurting? Feeling remorseful for what he did to me?
"Angel?" Fred looks at me. "You guys just disappeared... What happened?"
And I tell them. Do I want to? Yes. Because they deserve the truth. They deserve to know that they can't find Connor because he doesn't want to be found.
"He did this to you?" Fred's eyes fill with tears, "He... He locked you away and- What if he hurt Cordelia?"
I can feel the anger building and I glare at Fred, shaking my head, "He wouldn't do that. Not Cordelia. She never did anything to him."
"She loved you," Says Gunn, "Isn't that enough?"
The sun is still shining
but everything feels like rain, oh
and if I had one wish
it would be to see you again
Maybe Gunn's right. Is loving me, enough to get you killed? Connor was taken away from me... And what about Cordelia? I was closest to her out of all of them, Connor knew that. But... Damnit, he said he liked her.
He also said that I was his father. Did I do this to Cordelia, simply because she was in my life? He has to be wrong. Has to be. But I can't help wondering if he is. Cordelia suffered with the visions, because she loved me. What if she's suffered through Connor, because she loved me? What if?
Nothing's fair
when we lose
without a moment to say goodbye
"Angel? A-are you ready?" Fred's standing at the door, looking nervous, ashamed. When I cross the room, she looks up. "I swear, we looked. It's been awful, these past few months, wondering whether Wolfram and Hart had done something to you all. It's been..."
"Hell." I say quietly.
She nods. "And considering I survived Pylea, being a cow, a slave and a runaway fugitive? I can safely say that this has been the worst few months of my life."
I showered. So I don't smell when I give Fred a hug. That's a plus. I hope. She hugs me back, so I know she doesn't blame me. Thankfully. I don't think I could stand blame right now. I don't think I could stand anyone else thinking I failed my family, again. Connor, Cordelia - gone because they loved me. Wesley. Gone because he tried to keep my child safe from the prophecy that I'd kill him.
You don't get used to loss. But you get used to pain. You get used to surviving alone. And I changed. I learned to survive with my friends, with Cordelia and now that she's gone I don't think I can survive. She was there for me. She was there for me and I didn't get chance to say goodbye.
How come the world won't stop spinning
now that you're gone
I know every end has beginnings
but this one's all wrong
so wrong, so wrong
"Where is she?" I growl, pushing Lilah against the wall. I'm at the end of my tether. We've spent the night searching, meeting contacts who've all told me the thing I now know is true. Cordelia vanished. She's gone. At the end of my tether, stands Lilah, the woman whose neck I would have snapped to get back my son, soul or not.
"Who?"
I stare at her a moment, there's fear in her eyes, for no one knows what I'll do, not even Gunn who's come with me to stop me from doing anything crazy. Too late. Fear in her eyes, but nothing else. There's no laughter... No nothing. Lilah doesn't know. If she did, she'd gloat. It's her way.
Slowly, I release her, pull away - and shake off Gunn's hand on my arm. Comfort. He's trying to offer me that. Why? Why now? Because he realises it's futile too? The police investigated... Looked at everything in her apartment. Gunn told me - they visited her doctors. What if her 'unexplained headaches' had killed her? But even if that were true, where's her body?
Cordelia disappeared. She's gone. Gone, gone, gone... She promised me I'd never be alone. She promised.
Nothing's fair anymore
and I know there's a better place
and I'll never stop dreaming of you
The soft sounds of sobbing draw me from my room. It's Fred. After months of just listening, I hear much better now. I've stayed in my room for days, trying to think of a clue we might have missed, of a place we didn't check but there's nothing. They've brought me up blood, but I haven't touched it. I know I'm pale, drawn - a vampire doesn't die from starvation. We just get thin, pale, drawn...
"I can't..." She whispers, as I creep closer to her room. Gunn has his arms around her, tears in his eyes too. "I can't do this. Why did he come back? Just to let us watch him die?"
The words strike me like a fist into the stomach. Don't they know that right now, they're what keeps me going? They're all I have left.
"Cordelia's gone, probably dead by now..." She whispers, "And Angel, he's given up. I just don't know what to do any more, Charles. I've tried. I just want things back to the way they were."
Gunn sighs, "I know, Fred. I know."
I draw away then, I've imposed on them enough. A deep shame fills me and words Cordelia herself told me, ring through my ears. That I'll go on living, the how part will work itself out - I've just got to concentrate on what I do, helping people. Right now, I need to help Fred, I need to help her see that I haven't given up, that I just lost myself a while...
Sweet tears are shed
this pain we lay to rest
it's hard lettin' go
but I keep movin' on
in a place I don't belong
Slowly, I make my way down the stairs into the lobby - I don't need to breathe, but right now, it's keeping me grounded. If I can concentrate on that, I can do anything. I can come back into this world and realise that I have something left. Friends. It's not my son. It's not the woman I love, but it's something, and right now, I need it.
I have to move on, Cordelia showed me that. I have to let go. Cordelia's not coming home tomorrow, maybe not next week but I have hope that one day she'll return.
I know every end has beginning
but this one's all wrong
It is wrong. But it's a start. And as Fred looks up at me, giving me a tentative smile - I guess I have done the right thing after all.
"A-Angel?"
The hope in her voice is enough to make me think I can do this.
Cordelia and I - our relationship ended before it even began, but we had a friendship. I'll never love another, but I'll hope. Hope is like a light at the end of the tunnel, bright, shining and hopefully, always there. She was my light, my love, my heart. It mightn't be beating, but I still have a heart. So part of me, still has Cordelia...
Even if it's just a little part, it's enough.
Part 3
"Anything new?" I walks downstairs and into the lobby, asking the exact same question I asked last night... And the night before that. And the night before that too. In fact, this started a few weeks ago, the questions, the maybe, just maybe, that something turned up - something that they had missed last night, or the night before that.
As usual, Fred answers me the same and as usual, my face falls, "No, Angel, nothing."
You'd think that after this much time, she'd have come home by now. You'd think that all our searching wouldn't have been fruitless. You'd think that she'd be home, back here where she belongs. I refuse, and maybe I'm harming myself more in doing this, to believe that my Seer, my Cordelia, is dead. I'd know. I'd feel it. There wouldn't be hope, there wouldn't be that light at the end of the tunnel... It would be gone. I refuse to believe she's dead. I can't believe it.
I pick up my coat from the back of the stand and look at Fred, "I'm going out." She knows what I mean. Knows that I'm going to look in the same places we looked last night and the night before that. Knows that I'm going just to see that there wasn't something I missed. Fred knows. And Fred also understands. She doesn't let me give up and neither does Gunn.
They appreciate what I do - but I think they've started to believe that they're never going to get Cordelia back. I know better. I'm going to get her back. She's mine. It's not that I can't live without her, I've proved that I can.
It's just that I won't.
* * * * *
When he came back we knew. Something was different. Angel's always had this look in his eye (and when I first met him, I did a lot of looking into his eyes, though he didn't notice it) this unbreakable, can't-shake-me-down look. Even after Connor, when Cordelia came home and Charles said those mean things, he got that look again. When Cordelia left and Angel came back and things had hit a really low point, somewhere inside he drew strength and he got that look again.
Sometimes, it wavers. And sometimes it's stronger than I ever. Did I want to hope? No. I found that in Pylea, hoping just led you for a fall until Angel. I used to sit there, close my eyes and think really really long and really really hard that my knight in shining armour would come and rescue me from the monsters. He didn't - until Angel.
Did I get that look in my eyes? I don't know. But this one... This one, was one of strength, one of hope - shining more clear than I'd ever seen before. And the words that lifted my heart and made me giddy.
"I've found Cordelia."
Of course, nothing's ever as simple as that. It's not like he went walking down the street and poof, she just appeared. No, as usual, Angel has to work for something he wants. And I know him well enough to know that he will.
Cordelia's coming home. And slowly but surely, our family is rebuilding itself.
* * * * *
Me. An Angel... The thought bothered me a whole hell of a lot more than it should. I know why. How could I not? I miss him sometimes. When I'm alone, or when it's quiet round here. It bothers me. I'm not an Angel - Skip told me that no matter what they led me to believe up here, I'm not an Angel. I don't have the death certificate for a start.
I'm a higher being. Sounds weird, doesn't it. My first thought when I got here was that I always knew I was better. It made me laugh. I mean, I never really knew I was better, not back then. I had money, big whoop. It just gave me a ticket to tell everyone what I thought no matter how mean or cruel. But now... God, I really am a Higher Being aren't I? Angel's mission turned into mine.
I told myself that he'd be okay, that he had his son to love him, Fred and Gunn. That maybe, one day, he'd find it in him to forgive Wesley for what he'd done. But sitting here, right now, it's not the same. No-one can love him like I do... Can they?
* * * * *
"We're doing this now." Angel means business now, I get that. I think no matter when we found Cordy, Angel would be like this. It's good to see him with something. Fred said he's hoped since he came back from that box - but sometimes, I think my girl looks at the world through a different perspective than the rest of us do. Innocent, but not naive. Unbreakable, but not unshakable. It'd take a lot to break Fred - girl survived five years in a hell dimension with only cave walls as comfort.
"Angel, man - you know what happened last time we tried somethin' like this..." Another spell. Why was it I always felt more comforted when Wes did the spells round here?
He nods. And turns, "This is Cordelia." Guy's got a point. And so, while Angel chants in Latin (there's always chanting), I look at Fred. She smiles, brightly. And I guess I know why Fred wants Cordelia to come back - to give Angel what we do. She's my girl... And Cordelia's his.
There's a flash of bright light and all too suddenly, Angel's gone. "Good luck, man..." I whisper, pulling Fred towards me for a hug. "Y'hungry?"
* * * * *
You'd think that the way I came up here? All floaty and... Stuff, they'd let you float round here too. No such luck. I feel like I've been to a Neiman Marcus sale for a month with no seats. My feet are killing me. Of course, I'm going to kill Skip too when I find out he sent me on a wild goose chase. No demons where he said. No people needing saving. Just WHAT is his deal?
"Skip?" He turns and jumps like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, shifting nervously on his feet.
"Cordelia..."
"Why did you send me out there?" I ask, frowning. "There were no demons, no people in need of saving. I didn't even get to use my glow-ey powers! What's going on?"
"I-uh, I... Well, it's like this..."
He falters and in the time it takes him to come up with a plausible answer, there's a crash... A thud. And a grunt that, I, Cordelia Chase would know anywhere.
"Angel?!" I gasp and run forward, helping him up to give him a hug, "Oh my God!!! What are you doing here?"
"I came to save you."
You walked in the room
and time was standin' still
knew you were my destiny
by the way you made me feel
only you in my life
forever and today
you're everything I ever imagined
my love could be
you for me
He came to save me... He came to save me when months ago, he was the one who needed saving. He's told me everything, right there in front of Skip who told me that I couldn't leave... Until I raised an eyebrow. Being with me for months has learned Skip, he knows not to piss me off and right now? I'm pissed off.
Angel doesn't ask me why I left, or why I didn't meet him that night. He's so happy to see me, so happy to know that I'm safe to know that I'm not dead like they all thought. God, they've gone through hell while I've been away. I turn and look at Skip, "Why wasn't I shown?" I ask, coldly.
Skip frowns, "Because your mission is different to his now, Cordelia."
"My mission?" If I had a halo, I'd have tossed it at him. Right now, I'll settle for his statue of Morpheus from the Matrix. He yelps, managing to save Morpheus with a move that would make any american football player proud and looks up at me. "My mission was important, yeah." I say frowning. "But not enough to lose my friends over. I want to go home."
"You can't," Says Skip, "Your mission."
"I... Can't?" I ask, folding my arms across my chest. I glance at Angel, he came for me and everything stood still. Angel came for me when I should have been the one to go for him, to save him. He's standing there, a frown on his face. He's pissed and right now? I realise that his expressions aren't that far off mine. I'm pissed too. And I want to go home.
Like the stars need the sky
and the river needs it's rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed you
I once told Cordelia that you never get used to loss. You never really get used to losing somebody you love and I was right. When Fred and Gunn told me that Cordelia had gone, I felt cold. Ironic, really - I'm dead, I'm pretty much always cold. I've realised that there are two things that instill warmth. Her. And hope. When I saw her again, it felt like I was walking in the sun... It felt like finally, something had gone right. That I'd done something I was supposed to. She's not supposed to be here. She said that herself, just now, to skip.
She wants to go home. Home is where her heart belongs and her heart belongs with me.
I need Cordelia. I thought that hope was enough to keep me going but I was wrong. I need Cordelia in my life. I need her. Skip looks at us and for a moment, I think that I'm going to have yet another fight on my hands. I'm wrong. He sighs and shakes his head, "Not one to do things by the book, are ya?"
And I see her smile, brighter than the sun. Cordelia and I are going home. Cordelia and I - has a nice ring to it.
* * * * *
At first, I had to blink. The light was so bright. And when I opened my eyes, I had to rub them, make sure that what I was seeing was really what I was seeing. If what I was seeing wasn't really what I was seeing, I don't know what I would have done. Hope is cruel, even more cruel when you see something you want, only to have it snatched away again.
This time, it wasn't being snatched away. It wasn't dangling in front of me like a big hook, waiting for the fish to open its mouth. This time, it was more real than Angel, more solid than any hope I'd experienced in Pylea. This kind of hope had shape, had form. This kind of hope had the brightest, sweetest smile I'd ever seen.
This kind of hope was known as the Princess of Pylea. This kind of hope is my best friend, my best girl friend, anyway. I run forward to hug her and suddenly I'm crying, telling her I missed her and that I'm happy to have her home and that everything's alright and that if she was locked in some hell dimension she'll be okay.
And Cordelia smiles. She tells me that where she was, was nice. It was warm and she was treated more like a Queen than a Princess and I feel a tiny stab of what could be jealousy, but I think is more wonder. And then, she finishes it all with a sentence that breaks my heart.
"I've been a Queen and a Princess... But nothing compares to coming home. Home is where my family is... And comfortable SHOES!"
I'm laughing and crying all at once and it feels like everything's getting better. The sun has risen on the hotel and it's hard not to be happy, giddy excited and feeling kind of sick all at once.
It's hard to explain
but when you know you know
I was so amazed by you
you had me and: 'hello'
I need you in my heart
my body, mind and soul
it only took a moment to take my breath away
will you stay?
I thought that leaving was the absolute right and only thing to do. Angel had his mission, I had mine. They weren't the same any more. Last year ended with me, going off to complete my mission and Angel... God, I hate even thinking about it. I wasn't here when he needed me and I should have been.
I still haven't told him - I don't know how to. What do I do, say 'hey Angel, I love you, even though I left and let you get buried underwater for six months' - okay, not quite six months but somehow, I don't think that's going to cut it. I should just be honest. I should tell him that I don't know how or when, but I started to love him and that I need him.
It doesn't feel as incredibly weird as it did that night... Wondering why every car and its dog was on the freeway when I had somewhere to be. Now, I just know I love him and that the minute he walked in the room up there, I knew we belonged together. Pretty simple, huh?
Our love can't be denied, no no
there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say
my heart always knew
that's how I dreamed of you
"Angel, just TELL her!" Says Fred, glaring at me. I thought the wrath of Cordelia was bad? Fred's been following me round the hotel, mumbling things about Kye-rumption and Moira in my ear.
"Fred, stop telling me Pylean phrases for soul mates..."
"I could tell you Pylean phrases for how many times I'm going to stake you unless you TELL HER!" She frowns.
"You can only stake me once, then, I'm dust..."
She frowns again at my comment, but then not to be outdone says, "Yeah, but I can stake you in other places WITHOUT getting your heart!" She picks up a stake to poke me with it and I yelp. I wouldn't put it past her to improvise if she had to. Plus, her pencils are always neatly sharpened, I guess now I know why. "Fred!"
"Tell her!"
"No!"
"Why?"
"Because..." Okay, that was lame, even for me.
"Angel," She sighs, "Kye-rumption aside - you two are meant for each other. Two souls, remember?"
"Yeah, and remember?" I say, "Me losing said soul if something happens between us..."
Fred looks taken aback by that and shakes her head, "Yeah, if you two get groiny with one another."
I sigh, because how can I explain that I'm worried? True happiness. The requirements of me losing my soul equal true happiness. What if Cordelia says those words and I lose my soul? Does she honestly know how happy that would make me? Do I? "A moment of true happiness. What if-"
"I know what you're thinking and no..." Said Fred, "When Connor was born, did you lose your soul? When he came back, did you lose your soul? Angel, stop living in the extremely worrying past and move on... You love Cordeila... Larger than life souls. You have to tell her."
Damnit, I hate when she's right.
"Charles and I are staying at his tonight. That gives you and Cordelia time alone. If you haven't told her when we come back tomorrow. . . " She picks up the stake and waggles it in my direction, warningly.
I gulp. I think she's serious.
Like the stars need the sky
And the river needs the rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day, yeah
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you
It's good to be home. Phantom Dennis ran me a bath, made me coffee, tea - I think he's scared I'm going to leave again. I had to sit down at the table and promise him that no, I wasn't going anywhere. It seemed to work. I missed this place way more than I thought possible, but then, who's surprised? I really can't live without my... Ugh! Phone RINGING! Damn, I was just dosing off too.
"Cordelia? It's Angel..."
"Oh, hi..." I smile, I *so* love hearing his voice. (Obsessed much?)
"Listen, are you busy tonight? I mean, I thought we could go out, celebrate you coming home and all... Just you and me? I was thinking, La Tasca's, near Lafayette Park? I hear it's... Nice."
Damnit, I almost dropped the phone... Unknowingly, Angel has just given me the perfect venue, the perfect time and place to tell him. And I've got bats in my stomach.
"Uhm... Sure. That sounds... Nice."
We make arrangements, and this time, I promise Angel that no visits from the Powers That Be will keep me away, no visions, no nothing and I'm still standing here, two hours later, looking in front of my closet and panicking over what to wear. Damn, damn, damn, I have no clothes. That dress I wore at the ballet? Don't want Angel any more distracted than he's going to be... I finally settle on a dress that's 'jewel blue' - a pair of strappy sandals and a touch of strawberry lip gloss. I look good.
And right now - I'm going to start the rest of the life with the man I love.
Like the stars need the sky
like the river needs the rain
"You look... Nice." I says nervously. So far, so good. Cordelia made it with no visits from Skip. She's here. I'm pulling her chair out from in front of her and she's smiling at me. She looks more than nice. She looks beautiful. Her skin seems to be glowing and all I can think of doing is tasting that strawberry lip gloss, of kissing her until the sun rises, of kissing her until it sets. All I can think of is her.
"So do you." I'm wearing the one suit I own. The one suit that still, after all this time, has her scent all over it. I refused to wash it. Yeah, I know, disgusting - alright, I'll wash it if tonight goes to plan.
I take a deep breath and watch her as she orders, her gaze drifting to mine every so often.
"Angel?"
"What?" Busted. She caught me staring at her and- was she saying something?
"Are you going to order?" She asks, softly, a bright, teasing smile on her face.
"Oh-" Damnit, concentrate, Angel... I tell myself to stop staring, but I don't. I don't want to. Ever.
Like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
I'm shaking. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm so nervous, what if Angel laughs at me? What if he tells me that we can't have a relationship on account of his curse... On account of that he doesn't feel the same?
The conversation dried up about a minute ago - talking about La Tasca's sun dried tomatoes just isn't that interesting a topic for either of us. I can think of a million things to talk about but they all seem so trivial right now. What I'm about to say just surpasses all of that - it's like none of the past matters, only this moment, this 'right now' that I seem to be having with Angel...
We have a past... We have a right now... And no matter what happens tonight, whether he loves me or not, he and I will always have a future because where I belong is with him. Only him.
"A-Angel?" I start tentatively, "I kinda... Have something I need to talk to you about..."
Like the sun it needs the day
and the night needs the moon
Wait a minute - that was my line! I need to talk to HER about something! What's she going to say? I take a drink of water, a BIG drink of water and feel every bit of the dork that Cordelia affectionately calls me. In a dream world, she'd tell me that she loves me... In this world, she's probably going to tell me that - God, I don't know that Groo and her are getting married - and where is he anyway?
"What happened to Groo?" I ask, seeing the startled look on her face.
"Groo?"
"Yeah... Haircut and clothes kinda similar to mine?" Stupid Groo.
"He left... Just before I went..." She points upwards and I nod.
"Oh..."
Like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you
Geez, talk about unsettling? I'm sitting here trying to tell him that I love him and he brings up Groo! Okay, I don't think I can do this... And plus? I think I'm going to barf. Maybe I ate too much, and now I'm all excited and stuff and what if something... What if... Oh God, I can't. I can't tell him. I take a drink of water, trying to settle my stomach when-
"I love you."
That's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed of you
She spat on me! She was taking a drink of water and I blurted it out and she spat on me. Oh God... She's going to leave, she's going to get up and walk out and Cordelia's going to be gone again and...
"Oh my God- I, I'm so sorry but... You what?" She asks, incredulously.
I'm dripping here and she's asking me to repeat it?! Taking my serviette, I wipe my cheeks and my gaze slides away from hers. "I- I love you. I love you Cordelia. I have for a long time... I just..."
Destiny... Kye-rumption. Moira. Fred's wacky theories are divebombing about in my head until Cordelia's eyes fill with tears. I made her cry?! I didn't mean to make her cry?! Is the concept of me loving her tear-inducing?? I'm going to kill Fred... Really kill her... With torture and...
"I love you too."
What in the holy hell is going on?!
Like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you
He loves me. Angel loves me. I didn't even had to say anything and... I kinda spat on him but... Angel loves me. My eyes fill with tears and I just thank the lord that I mastered the art of buying waterproof mascara yesterday when I went shopping with Fred. And then suddenly, the words are out of my mouth. "I love you too." I whisper softly, not caring that people can see me cry. I'm making a fool of myself, in public and I don't even care.
"I'm in love with you." I say, "I knew before I left, I knew when you came to get me, I know now. I'm in love with you. That's what I wanted to talk to you about that night..."
And there it is. The grin that I'd walk through fire to see. He's smiling so brightly it hurts my heart.
"You love me?"
I nod... My smile almost splitting my face. And in a second, he's moved his chair round the table and he's kissing me, his palms laying flat against my cheeks. I hear the embarassed coughs of the other diners, hear the snickers and the heartfelt 'awww's' and then everything kind of disappears and I'm kissing Angel, and everything's alright.
Home is where the heart is and now, I'm finally home. After all this time, I'm finally home.
That's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed of you
She knows. She knows she's in love with me. She knew before she left and that was what she was trying to tell me. I can feel myself smiling and I have to ask. I don't know why, I mean, she just told me she does.
"You love me?"
She nods... And smiles. The smile I live for, the smile that are all those things, my stars, my sky, my sun, my rain. The smile that means everything to me. I move around the table and place my lips on hers, tasting the strawberry lip-gloss I've wanted to taste since the start of the night. The kiss is tender, loving - everything I've imagined kissing her like since that night at the ballet, since before that.
I don't know where the future's going to take us. I only know that we have one. And that's enough.
End.