Title: Changing The Past
Author: Angelicgal82
Posted: 12-14-2002
Rating: PG13
Category: Time-travel, BtVS 2
Email: mail@cbaird82.freeserve.co.uk
Content:
Summary: Challenge response (Karura's challenge). Cordelia watches from her spot as a Higher Being as Angel inadvertantly kills Connor. Trying to go back in time to change the past proves harder than it's worth, when Cordelia finds herself stuck in Sunnydale High School with a mind that wants to be in the future. Set BTVS Season 2.
Spoilers: Everything in BTVS from Season 1-3 and everything in Angel, seasons 1-3.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: E-mail me and ask, please.
Notes:
Feedback: 'Tis the thing I crave!
Dedication: To Karura over at ST for setting this wonderful challenge.Part 1
He's practiced what he wants to say a hundred times already. Told her he loves her a hundred different ways and there are still two things wrong with this scenario.
One, she's not here yet - which sort of works against him.
Two - everything he says or thinks he'll say feels wrong. Will talking about what Buffy meant to him cheapen his feelings for Cordelia? Is it better to expect the worst, rather than hope? What if he can't say it? He wants to tell her... But what if he can't?
Of course one is directly linked with two - because he can't tell her anything if she's not here and... It's so nice up here. Cordelia loves it here, so that makes it different for Angel. Not someplace he fought a Kravlock demon a few months ago, the fact that she loves it makes it something different... Something, beautiful.
Looking down, Angel checks his watch again. Cordelia's never late. Well, not usually - unless it's work-related. But this isn't. Sighing, he fishes his keys from his pocket and turns.
"Connor?" Something's wrong. Something's happened and Angel doesn't know what, but by the look on Connor's face, it's bad.
"Dad."
"What are you doing here?"
He smiles and suddenly, Angel feels more uneasy than he has in a long time.
"We're family," Replies Connor, "And I wanna show you how I feel about that." With a move that both stuns and impresses Angel, Connor launches towards him, knocking them both backwards and making them stumble, close to the cliff's edge.
"What the hell's going on?" She only checked in on him for five minutes. Only wanted to see... Make sure he was... Oh God...
"Connor, talk to me." Angel grabs Connor from behind, arms locked firmly behind his head. Something must have happened, Connor just wouldn't attack like this. Not like this...
He waits a moment, before sighing and relaxing slightly in his father's grip.
Angel backs off as Connor turns to look at him, a dark, haunted look in his son’s eyes. "Connor? What happened?"
If ever the Powers That Be were cruel, they were now... They show her, seconds before it occurs, what's going to happen and Cordelia can do nothing but watch.
"You." Sneers Connor coldly, "You happened. You happened and you took everything away from him. It wasn't enough to take his children, was it Angelus? You took his life..."
"His life?" And even as Connor lunges towards him, stake in one hand, retrieved from his back pocket, Angel's not expecting the blow. It hits... It hits and Angel roars in pain, the stake missing his heart by barely an inch. "Connor, stop..."
"Did you? He *gave* me up. He told you that I was yours, that you had me. That what I wanted was you, what I deserved was you and that wasn't enough for you. You killed him..." Connor lunges for Angel again, sending them tumbling from the cliff.
"Walk in his world, learn all you can. Discover what of him is in you that you might fight against it. But be on your guard. Remember what I've taught you. The devil will show you bright things, many colours."
A private moment shared between father and son, one Cordelia can see plain as day. They're showing her, but to let her stop - that would be wrong and she feels that. Feels that even as tears run the length of her cheeks... After tonight there'll be no more fighting, no more anything, not for Angel. There'll be darkness, there'll be grief.
He had a son...
There's nothing worse than silence. When the waves are crashing around you and you know there should be sound, there's nothing worse than silence - especially from the place you expect and want it most.
For as long as Angel can remember, the sound of a heartbeat has been comforting. The warmth, though small, that Connor's body brought when it was cradled next to his...
And his fingers, covered in blood. Crouching next to his son, impaled on a sharp piece of rock that juts out from the sandy shores of Point Dume... Breath slipping away from him, he meets Angel's eyes and whispers three words that make the vampire’s body bow and fall.
It's not love he whispers sentiments of...
Only hate...
* * *
"What the hell did you do to him?!" The door crashes open and knocks Skip's Matrix figures to the floor, causing the demon to jump up, startled.
"Hey! Hey! Watch the merchandise!"
"Why?"
"Because they're collector's items!" Skip rolls his eyes, even an untrained eye can see that.
"Not that!" She retorts, hotly, "THIS! WHY?!"
He's never seen her quite this pissed before. At least, not to his recollection. Never seen her eyes so dark.
"Why what, Cordelia?"
"You took me away from him and you let... You let... Did you know that was going to happen?"
"Know what?"
"Connor!" She yells, "He killed Connor. He killed..." Her voice goes quiet then and Skip stops to watch her. Well, okay, he's more worried about his figures of Trinity and Morpheus but he's worried about her too.
"Cordelia, you don't belong there any longer. Angel will bounce back, he always does."
"Bounce back? He killed his son and lost his friend all in one night, how the hell can he bounce back? You have to change it... I know you can..."
"It's not as simple as that, Cordelia. You can't change this, it's not the kind of thing..."
"Listen to me, Skip." Said Cordelia, firmly. "Listen to me and make sure you understand. Over the past few months I've watched Angel lose and regain everything only to have it all taken away again in one night. I have to do something, I can't just... I can't just not."
Skip sighed, "Not the kinda demon that does things by the book, are ya?"
"Half-demon," She amended, "Now send me back."
* * *
She should know by now. She should have realised that when the Powers are being nice, that when 'fate' (if there is such a thing) takes a turn for the kinda good, or the happy, there'll be a price attached to it.
It happened when Angel was turned human. That one day when he was allowed to be with Buffy and there was a price - one he had to pay, ironically... Coming wars, apocalypses - he'd have to face them. Vamped. Not-human. Not-happy, or so she'd thought.
He'd fought back like he'd always done. Put just that little more effort into his punches... Then Doyle had died... What followed was months of heartache and bouncing back, same old story over the past three years she'd worked with Angel. Get burned, pull yourself back, put yourself a little straighter.
And now...
Okay now, she was experiencing stuff that - well, weird? Didn't even cover it.
First of all, she was in Sunnydale. How did she know? Well, you didn't suddenly find yourself in a closet at work - unless your life had taken a turn for the seriously weird and you were kissing your boss.
Oh, she knew exactly where she was. In a closet, with Xander.
"Is it just me or is your mind not entirely on the lips at hand?"
And Cordelia was gaping at him, mouth opened, eyes wide and blinking in the light of the closet.
"Xander?!" She whispered.
Looking down, Xander patted his shirt, "Yup, that'd be me. Unless I happened to change in the last five minutes and- Wait a minute, is this you being all repressive?"
"Is that even a word?" She snapped.
"Yep," Said Xander, "Same old Cordy."
Blinking again, Cordelia looked at him, "Same old Cordy?"
He was wrong, so very very wrong...
* * *
"And you say you're from the future?"
It was nice for Cordelia to know that some things had never changed, in all the time she... Hadn't been away. Giles, still as stuffy as ever, cleaning his glasses and asking questions. She'd come here after assuring Xander that yes, she was fine
"I-I didn't want to tell the guys about this because - well, I think I'm crazy, never mind anyone else." Said the brunette, shaking her head.
"Understandable." Said Giles, then, "Are you quite SURE you didn't receive a bump to the head?"
"Yes! I'm sure, God, Giles - do you honestly think I'd make something like this up?"
"N-no, but..."
"Ask me something? Not too... Well, personal. But just ask me something."
"Cordelia, we shoul-"
"Okay. In one year from now, Buffy's going to have some big slayer 18th birthday test thing called... The uh... Damn... The Crucial Mental?"
Giles started slightly, eyebrows shooting upwards, "The Cruciamentum?"
"That's it!" Said Cordelia, "Not to give too much away, but she'll be having one of those."
Giles gaped at her, shaking his head. "W-well there could be an explanation. My Watcher's diaries..."
"The ones you keep locked away?"
"The very same." He nodded, shaking his head.
Cordelia frowned, "Look, I get that being careful is all very well and good but... Can we get back to the task at hand here? I'm... I'm my old-self again! And my old-self? Not that nice a place to be! I need to get to Angel!"
"You need to get to Angel? Why? Is he hurt?"
Turning, Cordelia looked at Buffy. "No, Angel's... Angel. He's... Fine." It was more amounts of weird than she could handle, seeing Buffy standing in front of her, knowing that she'd died and knowing what was to come with Angel was... Well, bad. "Look, I gotta go..." Grabbing her purse, Cordelia walked out of the library and away from Buffy and Giles, tears welling up in her eyes.
Heels clacking on the floor, Cordelia swiped furiously at her tears, until a hand on her arm stopped her.
"Cordelia? Are you all right?" Asked Giles, tentatively.
"Do I LOOK all right?" She snapped, "Everything's different. Buffy's all doe-eyed over the guy that I'm in love with, the world switched on me and I don't know how to switch it back."
"You're in love with Angel?" The surprise in his voice was evident. If Cordelia loved Angel, did he love her? And what exactly were the implications for Angel loving someone else - when he seemed so in love with his slayer.
"Yeah, I'm in love with Angel." She frowned, "So?"
"Cordelia, whatever happened in your past, must stay that way. If you do something to jeopardise the future, everything will change..."
"So what, you're telling me to stick this out? Re-live my high school days and watch as everything I know I can change just... Happens? No matter how bad it is?"
"Yes." Said Giles, firmly, "That's exactly what I'm telling you. If you were brought here from the future or from another dimension, then you were brought here for a reason, changing the past now would not only bring harm to you but all those around you."
But that's just it, thought Cordelia sadly as she looked up at Giles. The whole reason I was sent back was to change the past... And if I don't...
"Cordelia, are you listening to me?" Asked Giles darkly, "You mustn't do anything to change the course of what happens. Do you understand?"
The urgency underlying his voice scared Cordelia, if she changed the past then... She might never have Angel. But if she changed the past, he'd have Buffy, they could still be together.
"I understand." Said Cordelia quietly, taking her arm from Giles' grasp. "You don't have to worry..."
"It's not about winning, Cordelia, it's about what's at stake. And in this particular scenario you were way more important than winning... I did what I had to do. I'll just deal with the consequences when they happen."
It had never been about winning. When she realised that she loved Angel, Cordelia knew that it wasn't about Buffy any more, not like it had been back in high school - it was about her, and Angel. It was about being happy.
Right now, this - whatever Skip had sent her back to - was about Angel being happy. It was about doing what was right, what she had to.
Angel was more important than winning, she'd just deal with the consequences when they happened...
Part 2
The only way she could describe it was... Lead. Feeling like she was filled with lead. Her limbs felt heavy, her heart even heavier and her head couldn't make sense of the fact that she was really considering doing this.
The worst thing? She could still remember the look on his face, in his eyes. Those three words that Connor had whispered were enough to make Angel fall to his knees. The Angel she knew and loved was in another dimension somewhere, grieving for his son.
Grieving for a son that hated him.
In this dimension, Cordelia had the perfect opportunity to take away his pain… And open herself up to a world of her own.
It was easy enough, all she had to do was pick a point in time to change everything, and already, Cordelia knew what that point was.
Angelus.
If she thought about it logically, Buffy and Angel's relationship had fallen into rack and ruin right about the time Angel had gone psycho and started killing their friends. Well, duh, that was enough to drive anyone to the brink of madness and back again.
There were so many questions that needed answered. Did she still have the visions? Her demon-powers? What would happen to her if she did change the past? Her future would be so uncertain...
In a way, that was a good thing. She'd never known what was in store for her before and she'd survived, hadn't she? Ok, barely, but she'd survived.
Pulling her jacket closer around her shoulders, Cordelia felt the wind shift behind her, her blood running cold.
"I know it feels strange, but if an attacker comes at you from behind, you wanna be able to shift all your weight immediately to your other foot so you can spin and kick..."
Putting Angel's advice to good use, Cordelia spun. Her foot lashed out with her assailant, sending him to the ground. "Ok, why the hell are you following m- Angel?!"
She'd never been so pleased - or mortified - to see someone, than she was to see him right now. "Oh my God, I thought you were going to attack me! You're supposed to make noise when you walk, remember?"
Rubbing his chin, Angel got to his feet. When did Cordelia learn to kick like that? "Buffy tells me that too."
Buffy. Of course. Because she was back in Sunnydale and she'd never told him that... LA and their entire friendship had never happened.
"Yeah." Said Cordelia quietly, her gaze flitting down and away from Angel. "Did you want something?"
"You looked... Upset." Angel replied, curtly. It reminded Cordelia of how far he'd come since his Sunnydale-Brood-A-Lot days. Of course then, he probably wasn't scared that she was going to leap on him, like she'd done so many times back here, now... "I thought..."
Does he know? Her heart lifted momentarily and Cordelia's gaze moved upwards, "You thought... What?"
"I thought... Well, you looked upset."
She can remember a thousand times when Angel's told her that she can tell him anything, that they're friends and nothing, no problem, is ever going to be too big or small. It doesn't apply here; the friendship that Cordelia valued more than anything doesn't even exist. To anyone but herself, she's just Cordelia Chase, Queen of Mean - not the actual thing that made her important, not vision-gal, not champion or even half-demon seer. Angel's friend...
She can't call herself that any more and it hurts.
"I did something today," Whispered Cordelia, "And I know that it's for the best but... It hurts. It feels like I've just screwed up everything I thought was real."
For a moment, Angel just stood there, not speaking, just watching her. It was the first time that he'd seen any real depth of emotion from her, anything past bitchiness or faux-sweetness to get what she wanted. "I-I..." He was just not good with the comforting thing. "I've lived a long time, Cordelia. I've seen a lot of different things and a lot of different people struggling to make the best of what they've got. You'll be ok."
Tears welled up in her eyes, making Angel feel instantly guilty. He wasn't good with the people stuff, he hadn't been since he was human, and even then, his social skills had been sketchy at best, unless he was downing ale with a friend. "I'm sorry." He apologised, "I don't usually..."
"Talk to people," Finished Cordelia, sadly, "Right, because... Because you've got two modes with people. Bite and avoid. And that's... Hard to shift." The tears didn't fall, though she thought they would. Instead, Cordelia gathered up the courage to say the words she'd never said, but had thought she always would get the chance to, "Thank you."
Heart pounding in her chest, Cordelia walked away. That wasn't her friend, that was someone else, someone different - someone who had no idea of what he'd have to go through, simply to be the man she knew and loved.
Someone who'd never know the kind of pain that she was feeling right now, because she was going to do what was right, what felt like the right thing, regardless of the consequences...
She'd done what she was supposed to, she'd said goodbye.
* * *
Chiffon, black, silk... Laura Ashley, Neiman Marcus... A closet filled with clothes and shoes in different styles and colours from the very best in designers and for the first time in her 20 years of life, Cordelia Chase hated it all. There'd been times back in LA when she'd wished for the comfort of her old home, the simplicity of it all - no visions, no missions, just money, lots and lots of money... And no demon goo.
Right now, Cordelia would have given up 18 years of having money, 18 years of living in the very lap of luxury, just to go back there. Just to take back the visions and the demon goo and the family that she loved and craved right now.
Fred... She was probably stuck in Pylea, right now... Or about to be sucked into it. Gunn, Wesley... God only knew where they were. Here she was, stuck in Sunnydale, watching the man she loved and had had to let go, continuing on with his relationship with a woman he loved and not knowing that in one moment, everything could shatter and break.
Running a hand tiredly through her hair, Cordelia stepped up to the full length mirror, examining herself. She looked so very different, so... Soyoung. "Naive..." She whispered to her reflection. It was true. Back here, the only thing that had ever worried her was whether her dress was going to give her hives or who her date was to Homecoming and whether their cool factor could ever exceed hers.
Bitch. Queen of Mean. Stick-figure-Barbie... Cordelia smiled fondly, thinking of Gunn, of how many times she'd cursed him for saying that - and for how many times in the past hour she'd wished she could hear it again.
"Cordy?" Spinning round, Cordelia's heart thudded in her chest, even knowing that Angel wasn't standing there.
"Xander? What are you doing here?"
"Well, call me stupid, but... I was worried. You seem, I dunno, more distracted than usual in our make-out closet sessions which is weird. You're usually the one chastising me for my mind not being where it should." He realised he was babbling and shrugged, opening out his arms by way of saying 'hey, I'm a dumbass, but a worried one - put my mind at ease!'.
"Are you okay, Cordy?"
The pause should have told him everything he needed to know. He didn't need to wait for the words even she cringed at. Didn't need to see the look on her face.
"Xander, we need to talk."
* * *
"Listen to what I'm saying." Buffy drove the vampire backwards, a well-aimed foot to the solar plexus catching it off guard, "The only depth of emotion Cordelia Chase is capable of showing is a temper tantrum when someone does something she doesn't like or..." The conversation stilted as she and Angel fought side by side.
She'd left the library shortly after Cordelia had, intending on meeting Angel for the night‘s patrol. Truth be told, she'd been acting weird in the library anyway, but Buffy had put it down to yet another ploy to get Angel, another way to steal him right from under her nose.
"It went deeper than that, Buffy." Said Angel, puzzled, and understandably so, since a tearful Cordelia had just thanked him for something he wasn't even sure he'd done. Frowning, Angel barely registered the thud as he drove the stake through a vampire’s heart. "It wasn't a temper tantrum, there was something really wrong."
"Yeah, only that she can't sink her claws into at least one guy in the whole of-- What?" Noticing the look Angel was giving her, Buffy frowned, "So what am I now, Saint Buffy? Give me one good reason why I should be nice to Cordelia when she's been nothing but downright bitchy to me and the majority of my so-called 'loser' friends."
Raising an eyebrow, Angel went to say something, then thought better of it. "I just... Thought that maybe she could use a friend."
Letting out a sigh, Buffy shook her head, maybe Angel was right. Maybe Cordelia did need a friend.
"Ok, all right, I'll talk to her tomorrow. But if I turn up to patrol tomorrow night with a kitten heel wedged in my forehead, I know who to blame."
Smiling slightly at Buffy's choice of words, Angel felt her hand slide into his, warm and soft. He couldn't put his finger on why Cordelia was so upset and why she seemed to be thanking him for something he hadn't done. It wasn't like his people skills had improved dramatically in the last 24 hours, but she seemed to know what he'd been thinking, even before he'd thought it.
"Hello, earth to Angel?"
His attention snapped back to Buffy, the look on her face one of mild annoyance, "Sorry, I was..."
"Not even here?" Buffy sighed, beginning to think that maybe there really was something wrong with Cordelia. “I’ll talk to her tomorrow, promise.”
"Come on, I'll walk you home." Said Angel softly, giving her hand a squeeze. "Never know what's out here at night."
Buffy smiled, feeling her stomach settle again. "I smell a rat," She teased, glancing up at him, "Would I be right in thinking that rat wants... Smoochies?"
The corners of Angel's mouth twitched up in a smile, his eyes lightening with an impish humuor that only Buffy could lay claim to seeing.
The slayer beamed, her step light as they made their way back through the cemetery, hand in hand..
"I knew you wanted smoochies."
Continue on...