Title: Exchange
Author: Angelchase
Posted: 03-25-2002 (revised 10-26-02)
Rating: PG
Email: lifeisbittersweet@yahoo.com // www.geocities.com/lifeisbittersweet
Content: A/C
Summary: Cordelia has a way to bring Connor back, but the price to pay is high.
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution:
Notes: This was originally written in direct style, as a script, but I've changed it because I finally acknowledge that it was a pain in the ass to read it like that. Boring and lacking emotion. So, new attempt. Hope you like this version better. If you do, please remember to drop me a line saying so. This story is also a response to a challenge set in the ACAngst Yahoo Group. It's something like "what is the worst way to find out A/C are in love" or something like that.
Feedback: Everybody wants it.
"When did it all became so complicated?", Angel asked, breaking the silence in the lobby of the Hyperion.
"Was it ever simple?", Cordelia replied looking up from the magazine she was reading."
"What?", Angel said.
"You know... save the world, fight the big evil... doesn't sound simple", Cordelia remarked.
"No. No... I meant... between us", the vampire said hesitantly.
"Us? What's wrong with us?", Cordelia said looking at him with her eyes full of doubts.
"You. You are getting away from me... more and more far away each day", Angel said softly, knowing she'd try to deny that.
"No! Angel... don't say that", she tried to smile but failed.
"But you are", he said.
"It's just... It has nothing to do with you", Cordelia started to explain.
"Then what's wrong?", he asked her as he moved closer to her.
"I am", she trailed off without looking at him.
"There's nothing wrong with you... You're as perfect as anyone can be. Caring, sweet, smart... And most of all loyal. God knows what I've put you through over the last years, and you still with me", Angel assured her. He was a man in love and she was reluctant to see that.
"I am not any of that, Angel. I'm sorry. There's something you need to know...", Cordelia said in a shaky voice.
"What is it? Cordy, you're worrying me".
"The night before Connor was abducted, I had a vision...", she started.
"You saw it? Connor being taken?", Angel asked her.
"I saw Wesley taking Connor...", she explained.
"And you didn't tell me?", Angel asked with a hint of irritation in his voice.
"I thought it was ok. It was Wesley! And then I saw Connor in this nice looking place, smiling. I thought it was a way of telling me everything was damn fine!", she broke down.
"So you now take the liberty to figure out your visions", his tone was harsh, even if he didn't mean it to be. He knew she was in pain and he didn't want to make it any worse. But since Connor dissappearence, he'd been obviously sensitive about that subject.
"Angel, don't be mean. I know what they feel like, and this one felt safe", she said between sobs.
"So, you're telling me that Connor is alright?", Angel asked her.
"I think he is. I've been having visions of him since he was taken by Holtz", she confessed.
"So that's... that's good. You should have said something sooner", he tried to touch her face but she walked away.
"There's something else...", she began.
"What?", Angel asked knowing that her tone indicated something bad.
"Two weeks ago... you know, the night I came back...", she said.
"*THAT* night...". Angel interrupted her.
"A few minutes before you came to my place, I had another vision", she explained.
"About Connor? Was he ok?", Angel asked impatiently.
"Yes, about Connor. And he was fine. The vision... It was more like a message from Holtz", Cordelia said.
"What was it?"
"I know how to bring back Connor, Angel", she whispered.
"You know? You really know? How? For God's sake, Cordelia! How?", Angel was desperate.
"There was no point on telling you sooner, because it can only be done tonight... Holtz wants me instead of Connor. Well, of course he wants you to feel the pain you -I mean, Angelus- put him through, but he's like a good guy deep down. And he's willing to give Connor his life back with you, if he gets mine in exchange", she said with a confident tone that took all her strenght to put out.
"He wants to take you away from me?", Angel asked confused. He couldn't take that as a possibility.
"Yes, Angel. A small price to pay to have your son back", she smiled, but the smile was weak and it faded in a second.
"Is this why you've been avoiding *our talk*, avoiding *me*?", Angel asked her softly.
"Angel, I'm gonna do it. You know I am. There's no point in making it more painfull", she said with resolution.
"No, Cordy. We will find another way", Angel begged her. This time he reached out to touch her and she let him.
"Angel, stop the crap. You know Connor has a whole life ahead", she whispered as she tried to step away.
"And so do you. I can't let you do this. Why does he want you? What will he do to you?", Angel asked in horror.
"He doesn't want *me* for myself. He just wants to keep us apart. And it's fair enough... though it could be a huge drawback in your path to redemption if you don't get another seer", she explained.
"I'm sorry Cordelia, but that's out of the question. You are not going anywhere", he told her with a confident tone. It sounded more like a command.
"Picture this, Angel. Connor in your arms. His sweet smile lighting up everything, his baby scent all over the place...", she illustrated for him.
"What about the darkness of not having you around?", he asked with his broken voice.
"Stop, Angel. We're not in Sunnydale anymore. There are sacrifices to be made, and it can't all be taken as a Shakespeare tragedy. You know I'm not going to change my mind. I've been trying to avoid this, I know. But ever since you came to my place the night I got back, I couldn't stop thinking about it. You were a mess, you needed comfort, and God knows I needed it too. I could see all of your heart, no restrains... your pain over Connor. And then you told me that you loved me. And I already knew Holtz conditions for Connor to come back. I couldn't make it more painfull, Angel. But now it's only fair to let you know. I love you too. And that's why I'm leaving tonight. I'm leaving because you deserve to be with your son. I know you've suffered enough, and I love you too much to see you in pain", she cried as he took her in his arms.
"Don't get me wrong, Cordelia. I want Connor here as much as anyone could want anything. But I want you here, too. It can't be one or another. You are not going anywhere...", he cried himself. He burried his face in her shoulder as their embrace became tighter.
"It's not up to you to choose, Angel. Please, I don't want to get mad at you during my last couple of hours with you. I'm doing it, and you can't make me change my mind", she whispered in his ear.
"I will not quarrell with you, 'cause I know I never stand a chance of wining. But we can try to find another way. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused Holtz, and I understand he wants revenge, but think about your life. Would you stand to be in another dimension knowing that you left all your family behind?", he asked her.
"You're not helping Angel. Don't you think I realised that? It will be painfull. The thought of it already is. But it hurts more to see everyone suffer for not having Connor. Specially you. And also Wesley. And what about Connor? He's so innocent... he deserves to have a life with you. And since I mentioned Wesley... Angel, give the guy a break. He made a terrible, huge mistake. But he intended good..."
"Even if his stupidity is now taking you away from me? I'm not that good of a person, Cordelia. I can't let it go", he stated.
"You are that good of a person. You know you are even better than that. Besides, you'll need him by your side. Please, Angel. For me?", she begged him.
"For you... You are incredible, Cor. You should want him more dead than I do, and still...", he began.
"I don't want anybody dead. There's too much pain already. Why add some more? Promise me you will forgive him", she sobbed.
"I promise", he nodded. They remained in silence for a while, with they arms still wrapped around each other, just standing up in the middle of the deserted lobby.
"I've always pictured the moment you told me you loved me, and it was never liked this", Angel broke the silence.
"So sad?", she whispered.
"Yes. You and Connor have become everything to me. And I'm in love and have a son. Pretty much everything I ever dreamed of. And still, fate kicks me when I am down. It's like choosing who must live or die", he said.
"No one is dying. I'm just... leaving. But I'll be alright. And you'll be too", she smiled at him.
"You know I won't. And I know you won't either. So don't go", he simplified.
"I have to. For Connor", she told him.
"I'll get Connor back. He's my son. I'll get him back", he repeated with confidence.
"You know it is not safe for you to try. Come on, Angel. It's a good deal, don't spoil it", she begged him.
"It's not a good deal. It's no deal at all. I wish someone would give *me* a break. I'm so tired of all this, Cordelia. I'm tired of watching everyone in pain, leaving or being left behind. I don't want to give up, but sometimes I feel like taking the easy way out", the champion confessed.
"There's no easy way out. We'll just have to deal with things as they come. It's about what's at stake. You once told me that. And Connor is... Besides, we should wait and see what happens. Nothing is so definitive. Don't give up. I hang on hope. Hope that maybe some day I will be able to return to you, Connor and the rest of my strange family. If I believe everything is over, I might just spoil Holtz party and go for the Romeo & Juliette ending...", she let out a short laugh. He smiled back at her.
"How will a smile if you're not around?", he asked her.
"You'll have lots of reasons to smile about. Or at least not to frown... when no one spills nail polish on the couch...", she said.
"I love you, Cordy", he said. His voice broke one more time and the tears flowed from his eyes.
"And I love you", she said planting a soft kiss on his mouth. "It will be alright", she assured him.
End.